DS bullying a child at school

[orangesalad]

Posting for traffic and name changed as potentially outing.

Found out today that my ds13 has been nasty to a child at school today... throwing food over the child's head, making a laughing stock out of the child's dandruff (which was caused by the food my ds dropped on him) the child was also pooped on by a bird and due to that and my son throwing food over them the child threw their blazer in the bin at school. My ds13 seems to be having a good laugh about it with his friends over WhatsApp which is how I've found out and what bothers me also is my DS was telling both myself and my DH about how this 'crazy' kid had thrown their blazer in the bin at school today. We asked why and he just said he didn't know and the conversation moved on.

I'm going to speak to DS in the morning and see what he says but I've already seen what happened via his phone. I will also call the school first thing Monday but I just feel so disappointed and sorry for the child this happened to. Having been bullied throughout my school years I understand what impact that can have on a child and so I've spoken to my kids many times and encouraged them to be kind. Wwyd

What does this committee actually do?

No gifts this xmas as well... sorry but bullying is a red line !!

School campaigns generally make posters and send out emails and letters or short videos - general reminders of what bullying looks like

I see no harm in him doing that.

@orangesalad for what it’s worth I really admire how seriously you and your husband are taking this and how thoughtful you are being about making sure the behaviour changes. I wish you and your family all the best.

No gifts this xmas as well... sorry but bullying is a red line

I hope this is a joke... Punishing a 13 year old 7 weeks after the event in a way that is completely unrelated to the crime, I honestly despair that people parent in this way.

@nanbread

No gifts this xmas as well... sorry but bullying is a red line

I hope this is a joke... Punishing a 13 year old 7 weeks after the event in a way that is completely unrelated to the crime, I honestly despair that people parent in this way.

I thought exactly the same.

Punish a child for too long it will be pointless. . The lessons he is figuring out today will be lost.

This thread needs to go. It's going the way all these threads do. More and more extreme punishments suggested. I mean, why don't we just skip to the poster that suggests a public flogging??

He's a very foolish boy who did a very unkind thing. But he's a child. He needs to understand the root of his behaviour and that it should never happen again. If that is achieved, that's what matters.

@Lougle

This thread needs to go. It's going the way all these threads do. More and more extreme punishments suggested. I mean, why don't we just skip to the poster that suggests a public flogging??

He's a very foolish boy who did a very unkind thing. But he's a child. He needs to understand the root of his behaviour and that it should never happen again. If that is achieved, that's what matters.

Agree.

Well, on Saturday morning there were a lot of hyperbolic posts on both sides of the argument, that's true. (Suggesting public humiliation of the bully for publicly humiliation of his victim etc) That then seemed to segue into the "he's only a child himself have him invite the victim round to play Scrabble" absurdity.
So really, we've had all sides.

The OP seems to have effected a seachange in the child in the space of 24 hours, though as others have said, whilst I'd welcome this change of attitude, I'd also be wary of his new and equally hyperbolic social conscience. The OP admits her son has played them like a violin for years and sounds intelligent enough to work out what he needs to say he'll do for a quite life and a designer trainer.

Obviously it's now Monday and the OP will be speaking to /hearing from the school anyway if the incident was Friday. I'd also ask them about him participating in the anti bullying jniative before letting him get involved.

Good luck OP b

Good luck OP. Let's hope your firm response will draw a line under this behaviour

School campaigns generally make posters and send out emails and letters or short videos - general reminders of what bullying looks like

Oh, so basically useless.

I see no harm in him doing that.

No harm. It's a joke.

Glad you’re taking this seriously. Just a thought but I think you should post this in the adoption section. Could be attachment disorder or you mention lack of empathy. Only a suggestion but would give you a different view op.

@Lougle

This thread needs to go. It's going the way all these threads do. More and more extreme punishments suggested. I mean, why don't we just skip to the poster that suggests a public flogging??

He's a very foolish boy who did a very unkind thing. But he's a child. He needs to understand the root of his behaviour and that it should never happen again. If that is achieved, that's what matters.

Absolutely this @Lougle

I couldn't agree more.

I despair of the horrible, nasty, vindictive approaches suggested by so many PPs. Who will that serve?

I'd contact the school , to see how they responded and to let them know you know about it. I'd encourage the school to do something about it a face to face apology for a start. The school must not be aware of this or they would have contacted you

Agree @Lougle

I honestly can't believe what twisted shit people are suggesting the OP does, to a child.

Seems adults can be bullies too.

Had a brief read of this thread - including some of the ridiculous replies! I have never adopted myself, and I would be wary of taking advice from any of the posters here who clearly haven't either because its just not the same thing as parenting your birth children.

I think you have really tried to do what you think is right and best, and I really hope it goes ok today with the school. It is not just your son in the wrong, and the school also needs to step up and take action.

Of course we all feel terrible for the boy who was bullied (I know how it feels to be on that side) but the pack mentality at school is very real - I can even witness it starting at pre school age in my own son's class. Heck, I've seen a lot of it on MN with grown ass women... YES bullying is never ok, OP is perfectly aware of that, but it happens daily in schools. If I look back on all the 'bullies' in my school, knowing what I know now, I can see most of them came from some pretty difficult starts in life, and were probably hurting a hell of a lot too.

I tell you what I also remember - the truly confident kids - they weren't bullies, even though they were popular. They were fair and nice to everyone, and not dragged along by the pack, standing by watching unfair things happen to others. They stood up for people. I hope you can help him become THAT kid. (I don't remember many of those though, most stand back and watch - me included who was too shy to say boo to a goose).

Hope you continue to do what is best for your son to the best of your ability - its all any of us can try and no one is perfect!

As has been pointed out, the OP didn't initially mention her son was adopted (page 13) so, tbf, responses were given based on what was said (that they are lenient parents, that it's not the first time he's been caught bullying etc) and once the backstory was given it became more the opposite tbh, invite the victim for tea etc.

I do agree though that both sides have been hyperbolic and that the OP probably needs outside advice. Presumably she is speaking to the school today.

How did he get on going to school without his blazer?

1. new blazer
2. support any school sanction
3. phone taken away for the foreseeable
4. grounding
5. some voluntary work with an anti bullying charity
6. a look of real hurt and disappointment (on your face)

That's what I oils happen in my house.

He sounds a nasty piece of work

The blazer returns. Return of The Blazer.

@VeganVeal how constructive.

Nobody has established that the blazer needs to be replaced, at any rate? The blazer was put in a bin. I'm sure it got taken out again. Blazers clean. The poor boy who was bullied isn't going to think 'New blazer, fresh start!'. He's going to be just as upset whether he's wearing his normal blazer or a brand new one.

My now 12 year old tried to kill himself because some boys at his school were making fun of him. They all had phones (he didnt) and they were using their phones to take pictures of him and doctor them, send them on. He found out and was devastated. It's all sorted now, but will have a lasting impact on him. The first thing I would do is take his phone away. Whatever you do, please can you ask him to apologise to the boy in front of you? One of the mums did that to my son (made her son apologise in front of her) and it helped him so much, and really made a difference to stopping the bullying. Good luck OP, but please act fast.

@Papoy

No gifts this xmas as well... sorry but bullying is a red line !!

And OP, please don't do what Papoy is suggesting - that is ridiculously cruel and nasty. If you are serious, I really dread to think what your poor children go through.