DS bullying a child at school

[orangesalad]

Posting for traffic and name changed as potentially outing.

Found out today that my ds13 has been nasty to a child at school today... throwing food over the child's head, making a laughing stock out of the child's dandruff (which was caused by the food my ds dropped on him) the child was also pooped on by a bird and due to that and my son throwing food over them the child threw their blazer in the bin at school. My ds13 seems to be having a good laugh about it with his friends over WhatsApp which is how I've found out and what bothers me also is my DS was telling both myself and my DH about how this 'crazy' kid had thrown their blazer in the bin at school today. We asked why and he just said he didn't know and the conversation moved on.

I'm going to speak to DS in the morning and see what he says but I've already seen what happened via his phone. I will also call the school first thing Monday but I just feel so disappointed and sorry for the child this happened to. Having been bullied throughout my school years I understand what impact that can have on a child and so I've spoken to my kids many times and encouraged them to be kind. Wwyd

I think I would be removing every privilege your son has for a while

That must be awful for you to see and appalling behaviour

I would

• understand why he has felt this acceptable. Really question his behaviour until he does some soul searching
• watch some bullying material / case studies
• absolutely make him apologise face to face to the child and parents once he knows the impact of his behaviour.
• punishment of replacing the blazer and losing something he loves for a period of time

Remove the phone and tell him it's indefinite. Stick to it. If he needs the internet for studying, monitor it. If his friends want to speak to him, landline or through you.
At 13 he is old enough to know that serious behaviour gets serious consequences.

Ask the school pastoral team for advice. What you've done in the past clearly hasn't worked. Give the names of his friends who are either egging him on or doing the same to the school. Presumably the incidents at school were witnessed so you'll be getting contact from them anyway.

Show him the law about cyberbullying.

As others have said, what you've discovered will be the tip of the iceberg.

He hasn't just started bullying because of his hormones. You say yourself he's been caught before.

He sounds horrible, I was bullied at school and it nearly drove me to suicide, I am still affected by it now.

@jelly79s suggestions are good.

phil

Yes I understand that the kid may not want a gift from her son, but he could also donate to an anti bullying charity or similar.

I would probably have wakened him. 😳. I’d have been so angry.

And he would have had a serious ticking off.

He would have no phone probably for the rest of the year and even that under review. And if he needed phone for to and from school he’d have a brick.

I’d also be searching his bag his blazer and everywhere regularly to make sure he didn’t have someone else’s old phone. Because that’s what he will do - someone will give him an old phone.

He’d have to tell me where his money was going to the penny (see above re phone and money for top up) and he’d have to buy the child a new blazer.

And write a letter of apology.

He would be grounded. Not that that’s effective with lockdown and I probably wouldn’t let him on his console or on the internet except for homework for a very long time.

Getting him to have empathy is the key here, punishment won't work on its own. I would have him talking about it until I was convinced that he understands the impact of what he's done. So he would have to explain convincingly how it might feel for the other kid, what risks that poses for the other child's mental health, how it encourages other children to bully etc. Then work on behaviours; how to apologise effectively (and understand it might not be accepted), how to behave of other situations arise.

@Mumofriverandcats1

phil

Yes I understand that the kid may not want a gift from her son, but he could also donate to an anti bullying charity or similar.

He could, but before any of that is done, which to my mind will achieve little, the parents need to come down hard in this and I mean hard.

As someone who was on the receiving end of bullying many years ago, what I would call the "fluffy" donating this, watching that, isn't enough. Serious consequences need to be put in place to make them understand it's not on to do this and there are repercussions that really aren't nice for them.

Worth pointing out that he is above the age of criminal responsibility too. If he is getting physical with people he runs the risk of the police getting involved. This is the choice of the victim and their parents, not the school. He is taking big risks for himself behaving like this as well.

I think your approach sounds excellent op

For him to stop, though, he is going to need to develop empathy and I would focus very strongly on this. I would also focus on difference, as it sounds like this child may be different (like my dd) and how dangerous it is to stigmatise others for difference and where this leads (disablist murders, suicide of victims etc)

I might take his blazer off him until he had earned enough to pay the other child’s new blazer

In the nicest way possible, you’re going to have to come down on him like a ton of bricks.

I’m not sure phone etc will work if he doesn’t care about that.

I would be absolutely furious and would come down on him so hard he wouldn't know what had hit him.

I was also bullied at school and still think about my bullies at 30. It's taken me until just a couple of years ago to get a modicum of confidence back and even then it's shaky.

Yes to paying for the new blazer. Yes to removing all privelidges for a very long time (not a week ffs that's going to do fuck all). Yes to talking to the school and bloody grovelling to the poor child he bullied. Yes to showing him bullied to suicide. Total ban on sm for the indefinite future.

I would also be talking to the parents of the friends egging him on, to make sure they were coming down equally hard on their dc.

Bullying is abominable and that would be being made abundantly clear to him.

I would be telling him exactly how angry and disappointed I was too.

I would be so angry. One of mine was bullied and I know the damage it does.

I would genuinely struggle to be around him.

Tought*

Can I ask where the school staff are when this happening ? I’d be livid if my dd bullied another child

Agree with MRex and others ranting about removal of phone coming down like a “ton of bricks” etc yes I would too but frankly it hasn’t worked has it? Op did that before and here she is.

I would investigate how to develop empathy might mean seeking professional help and paying for it.

I would be absolutely devastated if a child of mine at this age consciously enjoyed inflicting misery on a weaker person.

The fact you are are acknowledging how angry and disappointed you are shows you are a caring person. I've known some parents who don't want to believe their DC is a bully so they don't take it seriously and theres no accountability.

Doing chores to pay for new blazer, talking to him about how you were bullied and how you never expected him to be a bully etc. He's 13 years old so old enough to feel some guilt. Like other pp have said, I would be telling him he needs to apologise in person to the other boy.

He has assaulted another child. And repeatedly humiliated them.

I can’t believe the number of people who are trying to list all the reasons to excuse and explain his behaviour.

There isn’t a 13 year ild in this country who hasn’t had numerous talks, group sessions and information about the impact of bullying.

Ton of bricks. First step is that he loses all tech so that he can’t gloat with his mates.
Second, screen shot and print his messages and take them to school on Monday to discuss a strategy with the school in line with their anti bullying policy.

Thirdly he works to pay for the blazer.

A letter of apology to his victim.

And a reminder that what he has done is assault. If it was my child who had been assaulted, the police would be involved.

In your place

• ds would pay for the replacement blazer from his pocket money
• written letter to the child and parents
• No phone or gadgets including gaming until Christmas
• A conversation with the school about the incident

Personally we would be having some pretty long discussions about bullying, the consequences to the child being bullied - the possible suspension if it happens again from school, what that means to ds future. I would also be working on your ds empathy and confidence.

You say he is confident but someone that plays the class clown is not truly confident.

Making him pay for the blazer and giving it to the kid with an apology is a good start.

I'll be teaching my son to box when he's old enough, a controlled application of violence generally sorts out bullies.

I agree about the doubtful efficacy of apologising and replacing the blazer. What that leads to with hardened bullies is the first chance they get, the victim is treated even worse as they've (in the bully's eyes) to the humiliation of having to apologize. You'll find them being told "I only did it because my mum/teachers made me apologize" etc

Expressing utter disgust that a child you have brought up thinking they were a decent human being is likely to be more effective. As Mrex says, he needs to see what an awful thing he is doing.

*contributed to the humiliation

My son called a girls slut - not to her face but to another girl. I spent two hours with him going through bullying statistics, shaming women and the long term impact and made him write an essay about it. He was 12 he was definitely trying to fit in.

What about a session for him with a counsellor/therapist who can help him understand why what he did was wrong and the consequences? If he doesn’t listen to you? What are the consequences at school going to be? The school needs to work on its zero tolerance to bullying policy maybe? I would be looking for resources online to help me deal with this as a parent, including scary videos of the suicide consequences of bullying etc
Well done for stepping up to sort this out OP