To think DH's ex should give a heads up when DSC are ill before sending them?

[Faij]

I'm immunocompromised and what can be a barely noticeable cold for some people ends up being a considerably shit few weeks of feeling quite poorly for me.

This will mark the umpteenth time I've gotten ill after the DSC visiting, because their mother failed to mention they have something before they come. Had we known in advance, I could have kept my distance where possible (I would obviously not expect her to keep them at home but I could take steps on my end to reduce the risk to me!)

Early this week DSS announced he hasn't been well all weekend and has a cough and sore throat, after sitting so close to me and talking that I ended up with his spittle on my face (an accident, not his fault) but now I'm ill again

AIBU to expect her to let us know if they're not well before they come? Is that a big ask?

Sorry you are ill. Can’t you just ask them when they arrive?

Has he had a swab with that cough? Sounds like you would be vulnerable to COVID?

I don’t see why you can’t just ask them when they arrive or get picked up?

Can you not ask them yourself? And in the middle of a pandemic, should you be sitting that close to them anyway?

YANBU. I'd imagine asking the children on their arrival could be awkward, and possibly even upsetting for a child.

Kids can bugs especially when they are young. Ds has a constant snotty nose. Surely you can make that assessment when they come around and keep your distance.

If it's that much of a risk ask your DH to check with their mum each hand off.

Ask everytime they arrive??? much more convenient than their mum letting you know in advance...

Ask everytime they arrive??? hmm much more convenient than their mum letting you know in advance...

Exactly the same workload, just not the mum doing it. Can’t their dad assess whether or not his kids are ill?

You husband has children.
Children get ill. You chose to marry a man who had children.

At this time of year some kids just slide up and down the scale between full cold to just a bit snotty and back again. I mean, it's hard but you'll just have to assume that they are brewing something even if it isn't obvious at the time and work from that known unknown.

My DH is immune compromised so family always tells us if they have any symptoms before we visit. This is a bit different because the kids are many technically visiting so you wouldn’t cancel the time together based on the info.

If the coparenting relationship is decent, it wouldn’t hurt to ask for a text at exchange with a quick health status update. I say text because it would seem weird for the kids to hear the update at each exchange.

I feel for you but I assume that your oh is just as capable a parent and could assess if the kids were a bit under the weather.

Not sure how you can avoid catching anything from them unless you have nothing to do with them when they come over which is probably not practical. My ds is the kind of child who has the sniffles 70% of the time, not a full blown cold with a temp but varies from a blocked nose to a snotty one. I just dose myself with vitamins, eat well and get on with it but then I am his mum and not in any way immunocompromised.

Not really sure what the solution for you would be.

I’m sorry you are ill, but if you and their father didn’t know he was ill by the time he was sat next to you maybe his mum didn’t know either?

I think quizzing the children on their health status every time they come round is overkill, a mere heads up would suffice.

I assumed it was basic courtesy, not even for the second families benefit but for the childrens themselves.

If I had DC going to stay with a NRP and they weren't well I would want the NRP to know in advance so they could provide medicine and care as required.

With a prior warning there is things I could do to minimise the risk to me, like keeping a reasonable distance (like the government are asking people to do)

I'm on a slow recovery from septic shock and a lengthy stay in hospital which DH's ex knows about. I've developed other health problems as a result of that and have an extremely weak immune system.

I have a baby of my own here I need to be relatively on form to look after when DH works long hours.

No DSS hasn't had a covid swab.

I wouldn't qualify to have one myself at the moment as right now I don't have a cough, temp or loss of taste and smell. I just feel incredibly crap.

Their mum did know. I asked DSS what he had been taking for his cold/virus and he said just paracetamol. He's only 10.

Just ask your DH to check in with his ex the evening before? As you say, I’m sure you wouldn’t use their illness to stop them from visiting their father, but if you know they’re not 100%, you can then make the decision to keep out of their way during their visit. Some kids pick up colds and coughs easily and regularly, so maybe their DM doesn’t see it as newsworthy. Coughs and colds don’t always need treatment - just tissues and being kept warm.

As covid has been mentioned, it's probably worth me saying I tested positive for that in July. It was a mild case and miraculously I didn't need go go to hospital, but still very unpleasant.

Still. We don't know that you can't catch it twice.

One of the first people we let know about the positive test result was DH's ex so she and the DSC could keep an eye out for symptoms.

I'm just annoyed that the same courtesy isn't returned.

Surely it's your responsibility to ask if the kids are poorly at all. Besides you can see once they get there anyway

I think quizzing the children on their health status every time they come round is overkill, a mere heads up would suffice.

To you the work you are expecting from your DH’s ex is ‘mere’, but when it is suggested that your DH assess his own kids’ health it’s suddenly her job, not his. Why?

And if they need to be medicated surely it must be fairly obvious to him that they’re not well, and when he picks them up he can just tell you?

Does anybody honestly ask their DSC if they are healthy every time they come?

More to the point, if your DC were going to stay elsewhere wouldn't you let the NRP/host know they aren't well?

My DC is a baby but I have friends with pre school children and they let nursery know in advance if they're not feeling %100.

It wasn't immediately obvious that DSS wasn't well when they came, only after 10 minutes or so did he say anything and by that point I'd been exposed to spittle.

If people think I'm being OTT I'll take that, I'm just fed up and will have to struggle through the next (at least) week feeling rotten whilst trying to look after a small and very needy baby.

Why doesn’t your DH ask her to let you know in future if one of the DC are ill or has he already done this? Didn’t see it mentioned before that’s all. Guessing she’s aware of your condition?

yanbu - it would take nothing for their mum to let you know they had been ill. is this really that unusual? if my friends or family were due to see me or my child I always give them a heads up if we have not been feeling well. that's even in normal times, let alone during a pandemic.

people are mad!

Also should say that children are honestly a hotbed of germs. As soon as they start mixing with others they just get cold after cold after cold especially at this time of year. So sadly this is just something you’ll have to contend with for years, even with your own child when they get older.

My DC is a baby but I have friends with pre school children and they let nursery know in advance if they're not feeling %100

Nurseries are childcare settings. Your DH is their parent. He needs to establish this with his ex if you are concerned. Otherwise, sending your kids to their dad’s with a cold just seems a normal part of life to me.