To think DH's ex should give a heads up when DSC are ill before sending them?

[Faij]

I'm immunocompromised and what can be a barely noticeable cold for some people ends up being a considerably shit few weeks of feeling quite poorly for me.

This will mark the umpteenth time I've gotten ill after the DSC visiting, because their mother failed to mention they have something before they come. Had we known in advance, I could have kept my distance where possible (I would obviously not expect her to keep them at home but I could take steps on my end to reduce the risk to me!)

Early this week DSS announced he hasn't been well all weekend and has a cough and sore throat, after sitting so close to me and talking that I ended up with his spittle on my face (an accident, not his fault) but now I'm ill again

AIBU to expect her to let us know if they're not well before they come? Is that a big ask?

do you have a specific issue here or do you just hate men?

I’ve explained my issue. This is the responsibility of two people: the OP and her DH. All he has to do is ask but he won’t. In the ex wife’s shoes, barring serious illness (in which case they wouldn’t be going) I would infer from that that it can’t be that much of a priority. It wouldn’t be my job, either way.

No, not pulling your leg. I think it’s weird that this is such a big deal to you (but not to your DH) and you expect it to be a big deal to some woman who doesn’t owe you anything, but you can’t see the imbalance there. But it’s up to you.

Might be easier to just assume that the kids always have some illness, bug, disease or whatever because it can of course be non-symptomatic too.

Yet another thread where people have clearly just totally lost the plot because the OP is a step mum. Back in the real world clearly YANBU OP

You'll never win on here though because MN is made up of a lot of the bitter ex wives brigade.

For what it's worth my step children's mother has sent them with all kinds of contagious stuff like chicken pox without so much of a word about it despite us having a very poorly baby at the time but obviously she can do no wrong because she was the first wife

I can’t believe 29% think you are unreasonable. Surely it’s basic common sense to inform your child’s other parent/household they are ill before they come up, or does common sense all go out of the window when it concerns children of separated parents?

Ultimately if you don't ask every time it's your fault.

I have a friend who's allergic to peanuts. I've known her for over 10 years but she still tells me every time she comes for tea because your health condition is your responsibility

People are being precious on here. We share my DSC 50/50, we have a shit relationship with their mum, and both sides still inform the other if the children are ill via text the day before they go to the next house. It's common courtesy. Even she lets us know and she's prone to never communicating anything important. But she wants us to know and monitor the kids if they're ill, plus it's a pandemic.

Why are you going on about quizzing the kids like it would have be some kind of big event?

Does he never check in on them during the week or anything and ask them how they are?
He could easily ask them when he picks them up "how are you? any of you have any bugs or anything?"

It's not a big deal, certainly not a quiz at all

I'd always tell my ex if the kids were sick, but if I didn't for whatever reason and he had an immunocompromised girlfriend at home and he didn't think he ask them himself then that's on him!!

OP, you are a second wife so of course you should just put up and shut up, according to MN.
Asking the children every time they arrive?! Bizarre. What a way to make them feel welcome!

It is not the same workload for op/DH to ask their Mum every single time they come if they are ill, compared with Mum letting DH know on the occasions they are ill, as presumably they aren’t ill every single visit

It is bizarre that she wouldn’t drop him a message saying ‘X has been a bit under the weather and taking paracetamol’ etc, even if you weren’t immunocompromised

Young kids get coughs and colds all winter.

If I was you I’d assume they’re going to have a cold every time they came because of they don’t they’ll get one soon.

Your DH also needs to be asking them if they’ve anything obvious. That’s on him.

When it comes to children having a sore throat with an accompanying cough, it's the resident parents responsibility to make people aware if they are going to be sharing the care of the children.

Everybody has a responsibility to do their bit to avoid the spread of covid right now.

Not doing so is irresponsible.

Even if alot of you don't give a toss about step mothers or men in general, to argue against that point is ridiculous.

Ina situation where the mum isn’t going to tell you - all you can control is your own action.

So the best thing is to assume they’re germy coz they probably are and get your DH to assess if they have the snots prior to contact with you.

I'm chronically unwell and have been in hospital with my lung disease after what started like a cold developed was pneumonia and even thought all my family know about my condition, my health isn't the front of their minds when visiting. Many a time fil has turned up quite unwell or the weekly get togethers at our parents one of my siblings will bring a niece or nephew who are unwell. They genuinely just didn't think because they don't live with me day to day they don't see how unwell I get.

It's not through malice or selfishness, my illness is on my mind all the time because it plays such a big part of my day to day life and I've learnt that I can't rely on others to always let me know they or their child is unwell because something as trivial as a cold doesn't lose their day to life the same risk as mine.

You know you can't depend on your husbands ex to remember to tell you just like I can't depend on my brother or my fil to remember their trivial health things can be big health problems for me so I think the most reliable thing to do is their Dad check with their mum when he collects them or drops them off. You may say it's overkill but if you're as unwell as you say then it sounds better to be make sure rather than let someone with different risks be relied upon.

Also, at the moment you might be better off keeping some distance (I've had a letter today advising keeping 2m distance even between household members) so you might be better of doing that until you're confident your husband has checked and a ten year old is old enough to be reminded about covering mouths when coughing and hand washing etc then hopefully no spit ends up in your face.

Would never drop mine off without mentioning they are or have been ill. It's just common sense

@Faij

When it comes to children having a sore throat with an accompanying cough, it's the resident parents responsibility to make people aware if they are going to be sharing the care of the children.

Everybody has a responsibility to do their bit to avoid the spread of covid right now.

Not doing so is irresponsible.

Even if alot of you don't give a toss about step mothers or men in general, to argue against that point is ridiculous.

But you have said that this is the umpteenth time that you've gotten ill after she failed to mention it, yet neither you or your partner want to take responsibility for simply asking a question. It's weird.

and you expect it to be a big deal to some woman who doesn’t owe you anything

She owes it to her child to inform the other parent when the child is ill.

And if we’re going down that road about ex and the op, the op owes the ex wife nothing too.

If dc are really ill obviously it should be mentioned and if possible they should stay put. But if its a cold, they are still well enough to go to school etc then I might not mention it unless they needed medicine and I wanted to ensure ex had calpol in ( though actually as a parent you need to ensure you always have stocks of calpol, plasters etc!)
Im sorry its so hard for you with your condition but your DP has children, they arent visitors, they are his DC and its going to be an occupational hazard of being their stepmum

The bottom line is. For whatever reason she’s not going to do what you want.

You then have a choice.

To see the kids regardless and not take precautions and get sick.

Or to get your DH to ask them or otherwise assess if they’ve been unwell and act accordingly.

You can’t make her tell you.

I'm actually his first wife as they were never married, but I suppose that still makes me bad news on mumsnet and therefore indefinitely unreasonable because he had children with her first

I do love a good one of these...

AIBU?
Yes,
No I'm fucking not, and here's why, you twats. You're all wrong/idiots/biased.

Why fucking ask then?

Also...YABVU.

I thought this was normal? I'd always give a heads up/send a text if DC were ill during my time with them. Even if just so they could be kept an eye on them/given Calpol etc...

People get so weird about this sort of subject though.

I don't think it's an unreasonable explanation however I do agree with PP that if she won't tell you then all you can do is control your own actions i.e. getting DH to ask on pick up or whatever.

Expectation not explanation

Who married him first is neither here nor there. He has DC and, like all school children, they have regular colds at this time of year. Even if you had been told in advance, just sharing space under the same roof will put you at risk and won't be significantly mitigated by not sharing the same sofa so unless you ship out to a hotel with the baby this will be how it goes as it will when your own child goes to school.

YANBU....but this is MN & you’re a SP. Its courtesy to let you know (even under normal circumstances) if one of the children is feeling under the weather, even if it was to make sure you have supplies of medicine in. We do not have the best relationship with my DHs EXW but even she lets us know which we appreciate.

I think it would be courteous if the child's mother told you in advance OP.

But I also think you're going way OTT by repeatedly calling a simple question to the child about whether they've been ill recently, quizzing.

It's not, it's jut a simple question and doesn't have to be a drama 🤷‍♀️

I'm chalking some of these replies up to being about the well known dislike of step mothers on mumsnet.

Well Mumsnetters could easily chalk your replies up to the well known dislike of ex's on Mumsnet. It works both ways.

Just ask the child if the mum won't offer the info but it's not quizzing or anything else as dramatic sounding.