To think DH's ex should give a heads up when DSC are ill before sending them?

[Faij]

I'm immunocompromised and what can be a barely noticeable cold for some people ends up being a considerably shit few weeks of feeling quite poorly for me.

This will mark the umpteenth time I've gotten ill after the DSC visiting, because their mother failed to mention they have something before they come. Had we known in advance, I could have kept my distance where possible (I would obviously not expect her to keep them at home but I could take steps on my end to reduce the risk to me!)

Early this week DSS announced he hasn't been well all weekend and has a cough and sore throat, after sitting so close to me and talking that I ended up with his spittle on my face (an accident, not his fault) but now I'm ill again

AIBU to expect her to let us know if they're not well before they come? Is that a big ask?

I'm guessing if this was an ex male partner not telling you the kids were sick when dropping them off, you would have got different responses, OP.

Crazy that you're being told to ask the kids each time.

YANBU but people will tell you are because this is MN and you are step mum.

I don’t think poorly kids should be moving around houses right now. I kept my DS back from a visit last week with his dad as he was poorly and his GF has a compromised immune system we are in the middle of a pandemic after all. The GF was the OW while I was pregnant with DS and dad regularly does shitty things I owe them no favours but I felt it was the right thing not to make anyone poorly.

People are saying you should ask but I would have expected it to be mentioned in these times. I would expect a visitor to my house (when not in lockdown) to tell me they were ill before coming I don’t quiz everyone that comes to my door to check they aren’t poorly before letting them in

I would expect a visitor to my house (when not in lockdown) to tell me they were ill before coming

They’re not visiting. They’re moving between their homes.

She's aware of my condition yes.

She is also one of the first people we made aware that we had covid in the house. It's basic decency to forewarn people if you're infectious.

Her and the DSC would be low risk for covid as no health problems but we still let her know immediately and felt totally obliged to do so.

Other cold viruses and bugs may not be news worthy to her, but they're very problematic and debilitating to me.

See how the courtesy doesn't work both ways?

I've lost count of the threads I've seen on here berating people for turning up ill and not mentioning anything beforehand.

I would never not want the DSC to come round, but I would appreciate (and expect) to be told in advance that they have something so I can take the relevant steps to protect myself at home, even if that means spending more time in my bedroom which I would be happy to do.

Thank you for seeing my POV, those of you who get it.

Other cold viruses and bugs may not be news worthy to her, but they're very problematic and debilitating to me.

Then why isn’t your DH finding out whether his kids are well?

I wouldn’t really bother to inform family we had something like a cold before visiting tbh because it’s just a cold and at this time of year, lots of people have colds. They don’t tend to bother the vast majority of people, it’s just something we all deal with.

Having said that, she knows about your condition so she should mention it. It is something you’re going to have to get used to though now you have a child of your own. They get sick constantly as they build their immune system.

@flaviaritt

Other cold viruses and bugs may not be news worthy to her, but they're very problematic and debilitating to me.

Then why isn’t your DH finding out whether his kids are well?

Because he expects to be told in advance if his children are ill when they are visiting us, you know like the vast majority of the population.

Are some of you on here honestly saying you don't think it right to mention your child being ill if they're going to stay with the other parent or family?

Bonkers.

I'm chalking some of these replies up to being about the well known dislike of step mothers on mumsnet.

Everybody I know IRL would absolutely let the other parent no.

Similarly, nobody IRL would quiz their step children on their health at the start of each visit.

Know* not no, before that is picked apart aswell.

@flaviaritt

I would expect a visitor to my house (when not in lockdown) to tell me they were ill before coming

They’re not visiting. They’re moving between their homes.

I’m not saying the children are visitors, I’m saying that I wouldn’t expect anyone else that was coming into my home ie a visitor to let me know they were poorly. If the mum knows they are poorly it doesn’t hurt for her to mention it. My point being why should the dad have to ask everytime when the mum knows already, it’s just common courtesy.

Because he expects to be told in advance if his children are ill when they are visiting us, you know like the vast majority of the population.

So this is so important to you and potentially debilitating, but your DH - the person who actually has obligations both to his kids and you - refuses to ask this simple question because ‘he expects to be told’?

There’s your problem.

@flaviaritt

Because he expects to be told in advance if his children are ill when they are visiting us, you know like the vast majority of the population.

So this is so important to you and potentially debilitating, but your DH - the person who actually has obligations both to his kids and you - refuses to ask this simple question because ‘he expects to be told’?

There’s your problem.

What a load of bollocks.

The RP has a responsibility to inform the NRP if the children are ill, if they are going to stay at their house.

That's without the added factor of an immunocompromised step mother being there.

Going against the grain here but I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

Your not asking to change the children's contact (which would be unfair) but for a simple heads up in order to manage your health condition.

Yes you could ask them when they arrive... but then you run the risk of making them feel awkward.

And I'm sure your dh is able to recognise when something is wrong with his children, but maybe not immediately.

Surely it's normal to pass on this information for the child's benefit anyway? Don't most parents mention that their child is sick or even just having a bad day before they switch? Even if they don't need medicine a poorly child might need more comfort...

I'm assuming your dh would do the same for his ex when handing the children back?

If the mum knows they are poorly it doesn’t hurt for her to mention it. My point being why should the dad have to ask everytime when the mum knows already, it’s just common courtesy.

Because this is expecting her to do his job. Why should he ask? Well, why should she tell? He is the one with the responsibility to the OP, not his ex. It is his job to ascertain whether his kids are sick, and this can be done with a simple question just as easily as the information can be shared. Except it is his job, not hers, to check.

You're*

I'm torn on this one because kids generally have on and off colds all through the winter so sometimes when it is ongoing, it isnt worth mentioning.
It sounds like a typical child cold to me..most people wouldn't inform a school if a child had a sore throat and cough (this is covid aside obviously!)

You would think the mother would want you to know so tig cadden keep an eye on them or alter plans accordingly. yanbu

The RP has a responsibility to inform the NRP if the children are ill, if they are going to stay at their house.

Really? Oh okay. Not your DH’s fault for his refusal to ask and protect his immune-compromised wife?

@Milkshake7489

Going against the grain here but I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

Your not asking to change the children's contact (which would be unfair) but for a simple heads up in order to manage your health condition.

Yes you could ask them when they arrive... but then you run the risk of making them feel awkward.

And I'm sure your dh is able to recognise when something is wrong with his children, but maybe not immediately.

Surely it's normal to pass on this information for the child's benefit anyway? Don't most parents mention that their child is sick or even just having a bad day before they switch? Even if they don't need medicine a poorly child might need more comfort...

I'm assuming your dh would do the same for his ex when handing the children back?

Thank you!

DH absolutely would do the same for his ex as would every other parent I know.

@flaviaritt

Other cold viruses and bugs may not be news worthy to her, but they're very problematic and debilitating to me.

Then why isn’t your DH finding out whether his kids are well?

ffs how hard is it for her to say "hi ex, just a heads up dss has a bit of a cold"

oh no dad must do it because mum must never put herself out, ever, even though a half decent parent would give the other parent a heads up to make sure they had the adequate supplies for example.

@flaviaritt

The RP has a responsibility to inform the NRP if the children are ill, if they are going to stay at their house.

Really? Oh okay. Not your DH’s fault for his refusal to ask and protect his immune-compromised wife?

DH has already spoken with her about my condition so we could work together to avoid exactly this.

Is it heck his responsibility to quiz the children every time they come, nor is it mine.

Given the pandemic I would go as far as to say it's fucking irresponsible to be withholding the fact that your DC has a sore throat and cough, from the NRP, when waving them off to stay there.

Take me out of the equation completely if your hatred for step mothers and second families means you're unable to contribute to a thread using common sense.

ffs how hard is it for her to say "hi ex, just a heads up dss has a bit of a cold"

About as hard as it for her children’s father to say, “Any coughs or colds?” You know, because it is his wife who needs to know. Not hers. And if he doesn’t have adequate supplies for colds he’s hardly dad of the year anyway, is he? What are we talking, some Calpol?

Is it heck his responsibility to quiz the children every time they come, nor is it mine.

Then enjoy. I suspect she feels the opposite.

@Myyearmytime

You husband has children. Children get ill. You chose to marry a man who had children.

oh, this is wild. OP, why did you marry a man you loved? So perverse of you not to cut all children out of your life. Don't you know your wonky immune system means you can NEVER seek fulfilment or forge new relationships? There certainly aren't any reasonable precautions you might take to protect yourself.

Why did you not foresee this pandemic?

My Dss mum is a selfish cow who sent dss to us knowing she had covid, then rang to tell us after a few days. I will never forgive her for that.

So no, yanbu. You have to insist on a report every time, make it normal.