To think DH's ex should give a heads up when DSC are ill before sending them?

[Faij]

I'm immunocompromised and what can be a barely noticeable cold for some people ends up being a considerably shit few weeks of feeling quite poorly for me.

This will mark the umpteenth time I've gotten ill after the DSC visiting, because their mother failed to mention they have something before they come. Had we known in advance, I could have kept my distance where possible (I would obviously not expect her to keep them at home but I could take steps on my end to reduce the risk to me!)

Early this week DSS announced he hasn't been well all weekend and has a cough and sore throat, after sitting so close to me and talking that I ended up with his spittle on my face (an accident, not his fault) but now I'm ill again

AIBU to expect her to let us know if they're not well before they come? Is that a big ask?

I could have mitigated that risk if I knew ahead,

Indeed. And you would have known if he had asked.

@flaviaritt

He has asked. For normal people, when you ask someone to do something, that's so easy, they just do it.

There’s no sensible answer to my actual question here (again) so I will leave you to your dictionary.

I did answer your question?

You're asking why he wouldn't ask. The answer is that he does not need to ask. He has done it already.

Of course it would be more reasonable for her to tell you but, as you already know that she doesn't, in your position I would definitely be asking.

@Faij

Please be very careful about not letting your quite extreme views about minor health issues impact the DC.

I don't have extreme views, I have a compromised immune system.

It is for that very reason (not wanting to impact the DC) that I don't question them every time they come.

If they are ill then there will be a reasonable adjustment on my part, but I don't make a song and dance about it.

DH has asked his ex to give us a heads up in advance so I can adjust accordingly (not sitting too close for example, or if they are coughing/sneezing alot then to spend more time in the bedroom out of the way)

I have to take those steps for the sake of my health. I also have a baby who depends on me not being laid up ill, where avoidable.

You baby is likely in these first few years to become ill, with colds, coughs, D&V, etc. So how are you going to manage that?

D&V for us was the worst. My DC came home from nursery, absolutely fine on Friday eve. So, as in this case, nothing to report. Sat eve they are throwing up etc; Sun eve 1 parent caught it; normally the other parent got it Monday. 48 rules apply everywhere for D&V. It would take a full week to get out of just that 1 cycle.

You are only referring on this threads to minor colds/coughs. They wouldnt have registered with me as even being worthy of note, let alone even thought. If your immune system is that compromised that you cannot cope with a normal infection - perhaps you need to move out from this (supposed) home of school age children. But I think you will manage to deal with this when your child gets to that age. So find a way to deal with it now so those (step) DC dont feel pushed out.

Yes, but there’s a high chance they don’t understand the situation. IME most people/adults don’t understand what it means. They might understand the words but, in a day to day way, people are quite ignorant. Even if you’ve explained they might not have taken it in. You need to repeat and spell out why it matters in but it must be so frustrating and worrying for you. Are the children old enough to take more responsibility themselves?

Why is it the mothers responsibility to tell you the father has responsibility for this child to so if your house hold needs to know if child is sick ask husband to give a quick call or text to mum the night before.

@Sweettea1

Why is it the mothers responsibility to tell you the father has responsibility for this child to so if your house hold needs to know if child is sick ask husband to give a quick call or text to mum the night before.

So if the kids are ill at dads does he not have to tell mum either?

NEWSFLASH: We are in a pandemic here, a child with symptoms should be isolating and having a test!!
The mother was totally irresponsible to send the child.

The mother was totally irresponsible to send the child.

I actually agree with this. My child would not be going to her dad’s, untested, with a cough, to the home of an immuno-compromised person with a baby at this time.

However, I still cannot for the life of me work out how this all happened, unless the OP’s DH is useless.

@flaviaritt

The mother was totally irresponsible to send the child.

I actually agree with this. My child would not be going to her dad’s, untested, with a cough, to the home of an immuno-compromised person with a baby at this time.

However, I still cannot for the life of me work out how this all happened, unless the OP’s DH is useless.

I can't possible work out why perfect Mrs first (not) wife can't manage it either. Unless she's bitter ....

I can't possible work out why perfect Mrs first (not) wife can't manage it either. Unless she's bitter ....

But why is the OP blaming her and not her husband? He actually has a responsibility to her and her health.

My child would not be going to her dad’s, untested, with a cough, to the home of an immuno-compromised person with a baby at this time.

Well that's something we can agree on.

As I said earlier, take me and my health out of the equation it's unacceptable to be sending children with covid symptoms anywhere, especially if you're withholding the fact they have them.

Well, the thing is, though, OP, as much as we might agree, I still can’t work out how this happened and how you still don’t see your DH’s role in this as problematic. We’re in a pandemic. You have a compromised immune system. Shouldn’t you expect a bit more of him? Like, more than you expect of his ex?

@Flowerpot345

NEWSFLASH: We are in a pandemic here, a child with symptoms should be isolating and having a test!! The mother was totally irresponsible to send the child.

Yep.

By the time we were aware of the symptoms and when they started, it was too late to get a test (not for want of trying)

I now can't get a test myself as I don't have the textbook symptoms.

It doesn't matter that I didn't have the textbook symptoms last time I had it. They won't test me unless they do.

I now can't have my elderly mother here tomorrow as planned (She has LD and I'm her only support) because I'm just not prepared to take the risk.

All of this because she couldn't be arsed to:

Let us know he had symptoms.

Get him tested.

If I was your DH’s ex I would certainly do this. But since she won’t - 10 is enough to explain about the septic shock, and how viruses make you far more ill than most people, and your DH and DSS can have a cheerful “any coughs or colds? Do we need to send @Faij to her room for the weekend?” when he picks up. You can only control what you can control...

• All of this because she couldn't be arsed to:

Let us know he had symptoms.

Get him tested.*

But equally: all this, because your DH a couldn’t be arsed to ask.

And to be fair (and I hope I am), I wouldn’t be supporting any sending of @Faij to her room for the weekend. It’s not her fault she is ill with a new baby. I would keep my kids at home and my ex could take them out for the day.

@flaviaritt

* All of this because she couldn't be arsed to:

Let us know he had symptoms.

Get him tested.*

But equally: all this, because your DH a couldn’t be arsed to ask.

He. Did. Ask.

@flaviaritt

* All of this because she couldn't be arsed to:

Let us know he had symptoms.

Get him tested.*

But equally: all this, because your DH a couldn’t be arsed to ask.

Should the school ask parents every morning the children arrive? Does the fact they don't then mean the school doesn't care about their own families or the pupils?

We all have a responsibility here.

I was satisfied that DH fulfilled his by making her aware of my condition and asking that she let us know if they're ever ill, to which she said that she would.

I fulfil the responsibility to myself by mitigating risk where possible.

I fulfilled my responsibility to the wider public by isolating when I had covid and making people aware who I'd had contact with.

Even pre pandemic and me being unwell, I wouldn't just rock up to work with glandular fever and not tell anybody about it.

If your DD has covid symptoms and she's due to go somewhere then firstly she shouldn't be going but if absolutely unavoidable then you have a responsibility to let the other parent know.

I don't think we can pin this on DH or me.

We are not going to agree, OP. I am not going to equate your DH’s role to that of a school or similar. He is your husband. He should have asked.

Be well.

She should tell you when the children are ill. However knowing that she doesn’t tell you, then your oh should be asking her when he collects the kids.
If that is not something you feel he can do, than you should treat it like they are ill each time they arrive until you know they are not.
Personally I tell my ex whenever ds is poorly, not to give him warning for him or his new partner / her child, but because I want to make sure he is prepared and has enough paracetamol etc to care for ds.

As this is MN and the partner of a man with children has a value slightly lower than the recycling .. I would imagine your responses are going to be pretty unconcerned by your health.

I am a step mother . I am ECV. My DH ex wife is, however a perfectly well rounded human female who knowing my health issues - would always notify at least the day before if dc were poorly and let us make the decision.

She would do this if kids were going to us, grandparents, aunts or friends in the same situation. Because that's what kind responsible people do. They don't use kids to score points when someone's health is on the line .

I've considered the replies and will say I can, after much deliberation, see why some of you think DH should have asked more frequently.

It just seemed to me (and probably him) inappropriate to be asking her the same question week in and week out when we felt we had a mutual understanding.

I didnt want to make it the kids problem so wasn't prepared to make it something I ask them about every time I see them.

I can tell that in moving forward I cannot rely on her alone to make me aware in future.

Some of the responses on this thread are baffling.

If my child was going anywhere that I was dropping them off to stay without me, and they were ill (minor or major) I'd inform the person who would be looking after them. I bet most people would, as it's courtesy to mention "DC had a bit of a cold/cough/temperature, so keep an eye out".

I really don't understand why that should change if the person due to look after them happens to be their Dad.

Assuming an EOW pattern and one midweek visit, it seems people are saying the Dad should be asking the Mum the same question 78 times a year, when the answer maybe be positive 5 times in a year. Sounds a bit silly to me.

Either parent should be mentioning any issues (illness or otherwise) with the DC at each handoff. It's just common sense so the DC can be looked after appropriately. If they don't, the ex-partners must have a pretty acrimonious relationship, and I feel sorry for the DC stuck in the middle of that.

OP YANBU.

YANBU. We always tell DSDs mother if shes ill before she goes over, usually as meds of some kind will be involved. She also tells us, when one of the lads is ill (we have DSD spending more time here, and 2x DSS with her).

Cannot actually imagine just sending them without saying..and it sees a bit ridiculous to have DH asking everytime they come if they are ill, instead of just..being told on the odd occasion they are, especially with you being ill to start with.