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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH's ex should give a heads up when DSC are ill before sending them?

298 replies

Faij · 06/11/2020 14:50

I'm immunocompromised and what can be a barely noticeable cold for some people ends up being a considerably shit few weeks of feeling quite poorly for me.

This will mark the umpteenth time I've gotten ill after the DSC visiting, because their mother failed to mention they have something before they come. Had we known in advance, I could have kept my distance where possible (I would obviously not expect her to keep them at home but I could take steps on my end to reduce the risk to me!)

Early this week DSS announced he hasn't been well all weekend and has a cough and sore throat, after sitting so close to me and talking that I ended up with his spittle on my face (an accident, not his fault) but now I'm ill again

AIBU to expect her to let us know if they're not well before they come? Is that a big ask?

OP posts:
BaronessEllaSaturday · 06/11/2020 17:44

Early this week DSS announced he hasn't been well all weekend and has a cough and sore throat, after sitting so close to me and talking that I ended up with his spittle on my face (an accident, not his fault) but now I'm ill

So he wasn't coughing when he was at yours?

Haenow · 06/11/2020 17:45

@Faij

Sorry, I meant in terms of protecting yourself from risk of germs (not just Covid)?

funinthesun19 · 06/11/2020 17:49

And remember you owe that woman nothing, so don’t tell her if dsc gets ill while at yours. Why should you go out of your way to tell her?

feistyoneyouare · 06/11/2020 17:50

@IceFrost

I’m a step mum and a mum and we have never been told if DSD has a cold before coming over. I wouldn’t expect a message either. Kids get colds and viruses. It’s part of life.

To be honest I wouldn’t be sending a message every time one of the kids had a cold either. Either way they would still be coming over and the point about making sure you have calpol in is crap. You should have a bottle in the cupboard anyway incase a child gets ill when with you.

The face is DSD mum just doesn’t care about you and she doesn’t have to message evrrytime they have a very normal cold or flu symptoms.

Nice attitude. It's not all about kids' health – for some adults it's really important to do what they can to avoid catching things.

FFS this site makes me angry sometimes.

TheFormerPorpentinaScamander · 06/11/2020 17:50

@StuffedRabbit fair enough. Personally I don't see the difference between my children taking the germs in vs the germs already being there in terms of informing the other parent in case they get passed on.

I wouldn't tell my ex if it was 'just' a cold, but that's partly because he will use any excuse to cancel contact.

I guess there's no such thing as normal. Mumsnet would be boring if there was WinkGrin

Original poster
Faij · 06/11/2020 17:53

So he wasn't coughing when he was at yours?

He was yes, but not for the first 10 minutes. He seemed ok when he came in but then he often does seem fine on first glance when he's ill.

Sorry, I meant in terms of protecting yourself from risk of germs (not just Covid)?

I was shielding, but that wasn't sustainable long term. I was then told to take all nessecary precautions like not going out unless nessecary, reducing the amount of contact I have with people, being vigilant about hand washing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Faij · 06/11/2020 17:56

Shielding from covid that is.

In general, taking all nessecary precautions to avoid getting ill. I take alot of supplements, eat clean, do what I can to support my immune system.

OP posts:
Original poster
Faij · 06/11/2020 17:57

The face is DSD mum just doesn’t care about you and she doesn’t have to message evrrytime they have a very normal cold or flu symptoms

I don't particularly care about her either but wouldn't want her to get ill if avoidable and I'd always ensure she's informed if the children aren't well...

OP posts:
YouKidsIsCrazy · 06/11/2020 17:57

Exactly if this was the other way round. Dad would be getting a roasting for not telling mum

Dad only has them to visit, they don't live with him. IT's not the same thing at all..

Mum has to do 90% of the parenting AND advise re stepmothers health issues, who thinks it isn't even her job to ask them if they're in fine health, because that's Somebody Elses Thing To Do.. Way to pile the work on the resident parent.

WorraLiberty · 06/11/2020 17:58

Sorry if I've missed it but has neither parent taken this child to get a Covid test?

YouKidsIsCrazy · 06/11/2020 17:58

Out of interest, what would you do if youd been told he had a bit of a cold?

switswooo · 06/11/2020 17:59

So your DSS starts coughing and in current times you will obviously suspect CV19. Cue panic. All that can be avoided by the ex giving a heads up that he’s got a cold but it’s not CV related.

All the people disagreeing with you would expect this in real life, OP. Your crime is to be a DSM.

switswooo · 06/11/2020 18:00

@YouKidsIsCrazy

Out of interest, what would you do if youd been told he had a bit of a cold?
It’s in the OP:

Had we known in advance, I could have kept my distance where possible (I would obviously not expect her to keep them at home but I could take steps on my end to reduce the risk to me!)

WorraLiberty · 06/11/2020 18:01

Mum has to do 90% of the parenting AND advise re stepmothers health issues, who thinks it isn't even her job to ask them if they're in fine health, because that's Somebody Elses Thing To Do.. Way to pile the work on the resident parent.

Jesus, more drama.

It's a quick text or a quick 'Oh he's got a cold' at handover time.

No-one's 'piling work' on anyone here. It's an easy thing for the mum to say and an easy thing for the dad or OP to ask.

GrumpyHoonMain · 06/11/2020 18:03

They are kids so you should just expect to catch something from them and take proactive steps yourself (eg wear a mask, keep your distance).

funinthesun19 · 06/11/2020 18:09

Dad only has them to visit, they don't live with him. IT's not the same thing at all..

Oh so bloody what how often the child is with mum? If the child has a cold, it doesn’t matter how often the dad sees his child. If the child is going to their dad’s then dad should know about the cold!
God it’s only a quick text or phone call. How is that more work for the rp?

I’m a resident parent and I think your argument is ridiculous and if you are an rp yourself then you must be quite bitter.

Bollss · 06/11/2020 18:11

@YouKidsIsCrazy

Exactly if this was the other way round. Dad would be getting a roasting for not telling mum

Dad only has them to visit, they don't live with him. IT's not the same thing at all..

Mum has to do 90% of the parenting AND advise re stepmothers health issues, who thinks it isn't even her job to ask them if they're in fine health, because that's Somebody Elses Thing To Do.. Way to pile the work on the resident parent.

Omg soooo much hard work saying your kid is ill. Jesus fucking Christ. But I'm not surprised that coming from you.
funinthesun19 · 06/11/2020 18:13

Omg soooo much hard work saying your kid is ill. Jesus fucking Christ. But I'm not surprised that coming from you.

Anyone would think we’re saying the mum should walk miles and miles through a blizzard to deliver the message in person.

flaviaritt · 06/11/2020 18:15

Anyone would think we’re saying the mum should walk miles and miles through a blizzard to deliver the message in person.

Anyone would think we were asking the OP’s DH to do the same to find out this information that is so vital to him and his family.

StuffedRabbit · 06/11/2020 18:16

Mum has to do 90% of the parenting AND advise re stepmothers health issues, who thinks it isn't even her job to ask them if they're in fine health, because that's Somebody Elses Thing To Do.. Way to pile the work on the resident parent

Bloody drama!

I do this and it's literally a case of 'oh X has been full of a cold/sick/tummy ache, have given him some Calpol already' at drop off at the most.

No need to be so dramatic about it. It's hardly piling work on anyone.

StuffedRabbit · 06/11/2020 18:17

And I'd expect the same from him if the illness started at his house.

Bollss · 06/11/2020 18:17

@flaviaritt

Anyone would think we’re saying the mum should walk miles and miles through a blizzard to deliver the message in person.

Anyone would think we were asking the OP’s DH to do the same to find out this information that is so vital to him and his family.

Anyone with half a brain would realise it's easier to say they are ill than ask every time
Original poster
Faij · 06/11/2020 18:18

DSS has not had a covid swab no.

The test needs to be done within 5 days of symptoms starting.

I can't get a test myself now as I don't have the main symptoms. It's worth noting that I didn't have the main symptoms the first time around, I was only tested as I was in hospital for something else.

I don't know if you can get it twice in such a short period of time but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried about that.

OP posts:
Dominicgoings · 06/11/2020 18:19

YANBU.
There is no love lost between my Ec and I but if one of the kids had been ill or off colour, it takes a few seconds to send a text. In my case it’s because he’s a useless dick who wouldn’t recognise a sick child if they puked in his shoes. But I still think it’s a basic thing that needs to happen.

funinthesun19 · 06/11/2020 18:20

Anyone would think we were asking the OP’s DH to do the same to find out this information that is so vital to him and his family.

He shouldn’t have to ask for the information though should he? The mum should have the basic common sense to give it to him.