To think DH's ex should give a heads up when DSC are ill before sending them?

[Faij]

I'm immunocompromised and what can be a barely noticeable cold for some people ends up being a considerably shit few weeks of feeling quite poorly for me.

This will mark the umpteenth time I've gotten ill after the DSC visiting, because their mother failed to mention they have something before they come. Had we known in advance, I could have kept my distance where possible (I would obviously not expect her to keep them at home but I could take steps on my end to reduce the risk to me!)

Early this week DSS announced he hasn't been well all weekend and has a cough and sore throat, after sitting so close to me and talking that I ended up with his spittle on my face (an accident, not his fault) but now I'm ill again

AIBU to expect her to let us know if they're not well before they come? Is that a big ask?

I do agree that going forward we should make it our responsibility, but only because she can't be arsed to adhere to basic co-parenting courtesy.

If me and DH ever split up I can safely say that both of us would let the other know if our DD was ill at exchange, if for no other reason than to make sure calpol/medicine is available (which DSS had been having)

Just ask the child if the mum won't offer the info but it's not quizzing or anything else as dramatic sounding.

Fair enough, but I do think that being asked repeatedly every visit will make a child feel uncomfortable and if that can be avoided then it should be.

Unless you are immunosuppressed yourself ( I am and have been for many many years continuously) you don’t understand how difficult it can be for the ill person so I know what you mean, it’s a nightmare having to keep away from people with colds etc, and out of the sun when it’s a hot day, and now the pandemic, I would expect to be told beforehand, faij

In pre-covid days I wouldn't have told my ex that DC had a cough/cold/sore throat. But his wife and other DC aren't imunocompromised afaik. If they had a sickness bug/something more serious I would have done, so they could chose not to have contact that week, but the chances are they would want to stay at home anyway if that were the case.
By the same token I wouldn't expect him to tell me if he/his wife/DC had a cough/cold/sore throat but would expect to know if they had a sickness bug so I/my dc could decide not to go ahead with contact if we felt it was better not to.

He's hardly seeing them anyway at the moment due to Covid, and dc arrange their own contact which they did cancel when DS2 had a cough as we were self isolating whilst waiting for test results.

ATM, ie pandemic and you being imunocompromised I think you should know in advance. But whether that's down to your DP or his ex to ask/tell? I'm not sure tbh.

If they where well enough to go to dads I’d say generally not note worthy just a basic cold sniffles type thing.

I don’t inform school every time my child has a sniffle and I wouldn’t expect to have to tell the other parent that a child has a cold/sniffle at this time of year it’s pretty standard right now.

While your health is always on your mind, if the child is well enough for school/visits there isn’t much to tell.

This is standard MN, OP. You're a SM and therefore wrong. If you posted that you asked them every time and then stayed away from them when sick, there'd be plenty of caterwauling about it.

Personally I think that a heads up isn't a huge ask. It's all about the give and take, isn't it? No, she doesn't have to give you a heads up but it's a kind thing to do when they're visiting someone who could be made quite ill. The mum may need some similar kindness in the future.

So every time he picks them up he should ask if they're ill, just in case? That sounds bonkers. Surely much more sensible for her (the ex) to spend 10 seconds saying [....] has a cold when they do, and say nothing when they don't?

I know that on MN stepmums can't do right for doing wrong, but if a sniffle to anyone else would be a major episode for OP is it really asking too much of the ex to mention it as above?

@Faij

Just ask the child if the mum won't offer the info but it's not quizzing or anything else as dramatic sounding.

Fair enough, but I do think that being asked repeatedly every visit will make a child feel uncomfortable and if that can be avoided then it should be.

It's only one question and he's old enough to understand you have a health condition to be fair.

You husband has children.
Children get ill. You chose to marry a man who had children.

What a ridiculous comment. The OP has the right to do what she can to avoid catching her stepkids' illnesses, especially as she's immunocompromised.

OP, I get it, both because I'm immunocompromised too, and because this used to happen at our house when DSD was small. DSD was frequently full of a cold, and I did feel her mum had a duty to say something beforehand, which she never did. DH would go to pick her up and find her with a streaming cold, by which time it was too late to reschedule the visit without disappointing DSD. (In our particular instance DSD's mum was so selfish I sometimes used to wonder if a part of her was glad to get DSD's germs out of her own house for the weekend, but that's by the by.)

I wouldn’t really bother to inform family we had something like a cold before visiting tbh because it’s just a cold and at this time of year, lots of people have colds. They don’t tend to bother the vast majority of people, it’s just something we all deal with.

And right now, what seems like a cold could actually be Covid. How irresponsible. Even pre-Covid, your attitude is selfish. Why should other people have to risk catching your family's colds? And what about those who aren't the 'vast majority', who really suffer in the aftermath of colds? Like the OP, I am immunocompromised and colds make me really unwell, weeks of bronchitis-type coughing amongst other things. Not everyone who catches a cold gets off with a bit of a sniffle, you know.

It is something you’re going to have to get used to though now you have a child of your own

How's the OP supposed to do that? She can't just decide not to be immunocompromised. Are you saying she should just resign herself to getting ill a lot so other people don't have to bother restraining themselves from sharing their germs and those of their kids? Again, even pre-Covid, that would have been a selfish attitude.

You sound like those people who boast about 'never having had a day off sick in their lives', blissfully oblivious of the umpteen people they've made ill in the process.

By the same token I wouldn't expect him to tell me if he/his wife/DC had a cough/cold/sore throat

That's a bit different. He, his wife or their DC aren't going into your home, your DC are staying between the houses so I do think it's different if your DC are ill.

I’m a step mum and a mum and we have never been told if DSD has a cold before coming over. I wouldn’t expect a message either. Kids get colds and viruses. It’s part of life.

To be honest I wouldn’t be sending a message every time one of the kids had a cold either. Either way they would still be coming over and the point about making sure you have calpol in is crap. You should have a bottle in the cupboard anyway incase a child gets ill when with you.

The face is DSD mum just doesn’t care about you and she doesn’t have to message evrrytime they have a very normal cold or flu symptoms.

The fact is* fat fingers.

She should definitely forwarn you if the kids are unwell. Normally I would say that if the kids were under 10, you might be better off just to presume they might have some bug or other. However Covid changes things and and cold symptoms need to be paid more attention to.

@StuffedRabbit

By the same token I wouldn't expect him to tell me if he/his wife/DC had a cough/cold/sore throat

That's a bit different. He, his wife or their DC aren't going into your home, your DC are staying between the houses so I do think it's different if your DC are ill.

Why's it different? If my dc go to his house with a cold they could pass it on to him/his family. If they go to his house and he/his wife/their DC have a cold they could pass it on to them, who in turn bring it home to me

Thank you those of you who have responded with fair and considered posts, then if you don't %100 agree with me.

I will say I'm a bit at the amount of people who don't think she should mention illness at all, despite current circumstances.

Can you imagine the wrath I would get if I posted here and said "AIBU to withhold a positive covid test from DH's ex" before hand over, and then followed up by saying I just don't think it's my responsibility to tell her and if she was that worried she should ask us every week.

There is definitely a general dislike for step mothers and second families on mumsnet even if posters insist that doesn't apply to them.

I mean if my child stays anywhere and is a bit ill I would tell whoever he was staying with because I am not a massive raging arseholes. Clearly thats too much for many who frequent this board, but I'm actually not surprised.

If the child gets a ill while they’re at yours, just don’t tell the mum. No need to is there?

Oh wait....

To add to my last post..

DSS obviously hasn't had a positive covid test, because she hasn't got him tested, even though he has covid symptoms.

I suppose she has no responsibility to tell school either before she sent him there with a cough..

@Faij

What is the view of your consultant with regards to how you manage illnesses?

When my children have been with their dads, they tell me if they have seemed unwell. And likewise, when they leave my place I tell their dads if anything has been wrong in the previous days, just so they know when they've had medicine etc and don't accidentally overdose the kids. Seems normal to me.

@funinthesun19

If the child gets a ill while they’re at yours, just don’t tell the mum. No need to is there?

Oh wait....

Exactly if this was the other way round. Dad would be getting a roasting for not telling mum.

I agree with you, it's not hard to just inform the other parent.
I have 4 DC and if anyone of them are ill I will inform there dad and we are not on good terms, it's just the right thing to do.

[quote Haenow]@Faij

What is the view of your consultant with regards to how you manage illnesses?[/quote]
Do you mean once I've contracted something or how to avoid contracting something?

Why's it different? If my dc go to his house with a cold they could pass it on to him/his family.
If they go to his house and he/his wife/their DC have a cold they could pass it on to them, who in turn bring it home to me

We'll agree to disagree. I think it is a bit different when we're talking about the person coming into your home and staying within close proximity to you. I think that is different than being informed whether anyone around that person may be ill. If the person coming into your home is ill, I think you should be told beforehand, no matter who it is.

As I say, it's always what I've done, just thought it was normal, either through text or at pick up/drop off.

Exactly if this was the other way round. Dad would be getting a roasting for not telling mum.

Yep! Which just shows people up for how ridiculous and hypocritical they are.

Op, yanbu. At least some people aren’t bonkers.