To think DH's ex should give a heads up when DSC are ill before sending them?

[Faij]

I'm immunocompromised and what can be a barely noticeable cold for some people ends up being a considerably shit few weeks of feeling quite poorly for me.

This will mark the umpteenth time I've gotten ill after the DSC visiting, because their mother failed to mention they have something before they come. Had we known in advance, I could have kept my distance where possible (I would obviously not expect her to keep them at home but I could take steps on my end to reduce the risk to me!)

Early this week DSS announced he hasn't been well all weekend and has a cough and sore throat, after sitting so close to me and talking that I ended up with his spittle on my face (an accident, not his fault) but now I'm ill again

AIBU to expect her to let us know if they're not well before they come? Is that a big ask?

@flaviaritt

ffs how hard is it for her to say "hi ex, just a heads up dss has a bit of a cold"

About as hard as it for her children’s father to say, “Any coughs or colds?” You know, because it is his wife who needs to know. Not hers. And if he doesn’t have adequate supplies for colds he’s hardly dad of the year anyway, is he? What are we talking, some Calpol?

its not that hard, but the parent handing over knows if they have something wrong them so why not just say it? i mean seriously, why not?

i think its shite to send the child to the other parent ill and just say nothing.

are you being serious? what if they have just used the last of the calpol? what if its something else that they need something more specific for?

do you have a massive problem with men? step parents? what is it?

@flaviaritt

ffs how hard is it for her to say "hi ex, just a heads up dss has a bit of a cold"

About as hard as it for her children’s father to say, “Any coughs or colds?” You know, because it is his wife who needs to know. Not hers. And if he doesn’t have adequate supplies for colds he’s hardly dad of the year anyway, is he? What are we talking, some Calpol?

In the middle of a global pandemic when the offending symptoms are a cough/sore throat etc.. You really don't think it's the mothers responsibility to mention that?

As I said, take me and my personal health out of the equation as it's clearly colouring the replies.

You are utterly ridiculous.

@flaviaritt

Is it heck his responsibility to quiz the children every time they come, nor is it mine.

Then enjoy. I suspect she feels the opposite.

then she is a shite excuse for a mother isn't she?

its not that hard, but the parent handing over knows if they have something wrong them so why not just say it? i mean seriously, why not?

Maybe her DH never asks. Maybe she resents being made solely responsible for informing her ex-husband of the obvious? Maybe she thinks it would be every bit as simple for him to ask, and she is being expected to care more about the OP’s immune system than her ex-DH does? Maybe that’s a niggle between them. I don’t know.

What I do know, is he could ask.

@Aisforharlot

My Dss mum is a selfish cow who sent dss to us knowing she had covid, then rang to tell us after a few days. I will never forgive her for that.

So no, yanbu. You have to insist on a report every time, make it normal.

I'm so sorry. Did you catch the virus? I hope if so then it was mild. Absolutely unforgivable.

Some people are selfish beyond words as this thread has shown

As I said, take me and my personal health out of the equation as it's clearly colouring the replies.

If we take you out of the equation it’s just a cold, and no, she shouldn’t need to tell him.

🤷🏻‍♀️

Answering your questions. FWIW, I am a Mum, ex-wife, and also stepmum. So no bias from me. However, I am not immunocompromised.

Does anybody honestly ask their DSC if they are healthy every time they come? No, I don't.

More to the point, if your DC were going to stay elsewhere wouldn't you let the NRP/host know they aren't well? No, I wouldn't tell their dad before we went if one of them had a cold. He's their dad. They aren't visiting him. They live with him when they are there, and with me when they are here. If they have a cold, they have a cold.

I would tell him if one of them had a sickness bug though, and he would do the same.

I would tell him if any of us tested positive for covid, and then we'd isolate as required without infecting the other home, and he would do the same.

But you know what you think, so I'm not quite sure why you've asked AIBU when you clearly don't think you are!

@flaviaritt

its not that hard, but the parent handing over knows if they have something wrong them so why not just say it? i mean seriously, why not?

Maybe her DH never asks. Maybe she resents being made solely responsible for informing her ex-husband of the obvious? Maybe she thinks it would be every bit as simple for him to ask, and she is being expected to care more about the OP’s immune system than her ex-DH does? Maybe that’s a niggle between them. I don’t know.

What I do know, is he could ask.

or maybe non of those things are true and youre just making it all up?

shes not being expected to care about op, shes being expected to care about her own fucking children, isn't she?

@flaviaritt

then she is a shite excuse for a mother isn't she?

No more than these two clowns insisting it’s not their responsibility to safeguard their own health.

wow, you're not very nice are you?

i dont think op expects ex wife to care about their health, just the health of her own children which isnt unreasonable is it?

or maybe non of those things are true and youre just making it all up?

As I said, I don’t know why. Those are speculative reasons.

And no, what she is expecting is for her DH to care for his kids, and for his wife.

That’s a ridiculous waste of everyone’s times. Like I say I’m in this exact same situation. Ex’s GF is has a compromised immune system, at the start of the pandemic he asked me to let him know if DS was sick. I said sure it was as easy as that.

Rather than having to have the same conversation at drop off each week which would soon get rather repetitive, “is Jonny sick?” “no he’s not” I just told him the one time he was sick.

Surely the person with the knowledge can just pass it on rather than the need for the same questions being repeated each week.

Gosh YANBU, OP!
And why the heck has he not had a covid swab with a cough and a sore throat?! Does she not want to have to isolate for 14 days if it's positive?

@flaviaritt

then she is a shite excuse for a mother isn't she?

No more than these two clowns insisting it’s not their responsibility to safeguard their own health.

You are an idiot.

I can guess where your hatred for step mothers and second families come from.

Please don't feel the need to contribute any further to the thread. I have no interest in anything you have to say.

@flaviaritt

or maybe non of those things are true and youre just making it all up?

As I said, I don’t know why. Those are speculative reasons.

And no, what she is expecting is for her DH to care for his kids, and for his wife.

speculative? or are you just assuming because she is mummy she is perfect and daddy is shite? thats it isnt it?

I may not have been clear but DH did ask her for a heads up if the children were ever ill when coming to visit, she knows very well what my health is like, he had a conversation with her so we could hopefully avoid exactly this.

He shouldn't need to reiterate that on a weekly basis, just the once should suffice.

OP, I will contribute if I like. I have no hatred for stepmothers. However, I think you are being utterly unreasonable if you expect your DH’s ex to do something he won’t do on principle, to protect your clearly fragile health. Deal with it at your end, stop moaning about her. It’s not that hard. “Anybody ill?” Done.

@flaviaritt

OP, I will contribute if I like. I have no hatred for stepmothers. However, I think you are being utterly unreasonable if you expect your DH’s ex to do something he won’t do on principle, to protect your clearly fragile health. Deal with it at your end, stop moaning about her. It’s not that hard. “Anybody ill?” Done.

or it could just be "dss is ill" when he is ill, and NOTHING when he isn't - that would be easier wouldnt it?

speculative? or are you just assuming because she is mummy she is perfect and daddy is shite? thats it isnt it?

I am not assuming. It is speculative. There could be any number of reasons. But the bottom line is, the OP’s health is her own responsibility and, to a lesser degree, her DH’s. Why isn’t he checking on his kids’ condition?

that would be easier wouldnt it?

For her, no.

@flaviaritt

speculative? or are you just assuming because she is mummy she is perfect and daddy is shite? thats it isnt it?

I am not assuming. It is speculative. There could be any number of reasons. But the bottom line is, the OP’s health is her own responsibility and, to a lesser degree, her DH’s. Why isn’t he checking on his kids’ condition?

because he shouldnt need to ask every time if they are well, she could just simply tell him when they are not to prevent this question every single time. you clearly have a problem with her having to do anything re her own children.

@flaviaritt

that would be easier wouldnt it?

For her, no.

it would be easier for everyone! she wouldnt have to answer the same question week in week out.

do you have a specific issue here or do you just hate men?

because he shouldnt need to ask every time if they are well, she could just simply tell him when they are not to prevent this question every single time. you clearly have a problem with her having to do anything re her own children.

He doesn’t need to ask. They’re clearly not seriously ill or he would be able to see that. He can either choose to ask (and protect his wife) or not. You are excusing him not doing it, the OP is excusing him not doing it. Maybe his ex wife doesn’t want to excuse it anymore. 🤷🏻‍♀️

oh god maybe his ex wife is taking tips from idiots on the internet!!!!!

Thank you for the laugh.

There are actually people out there who think quizzing their children (or ex partner) about health, every week, is the better option when compared to the RP making the NRP aware that the children aren't well.

The NRP asking the RP just the once to let us know if the children aren't well isn't sufficient, he must badger her on a weekly basis.

The RP has no responsibility to make people aware that her DS has a cough and a sore throat, even though they are the most well known symptoms of a virus that has caused a global pandemic.

I think your pulling my leg flaviaritt.

10/10