Partner still legally married - AIBU

[LegallyBlonde30]

I have been with my partner for 6 years. I have just given birth to our second child. He supports us all, we rent a nice flat in a nice area and have a good relationship but he is still legally married to his ex wife, whom he has 2 older children with. I try not to pressurise him and ruin what we have but it is starting to bother me that technically, I have 2 kids with a "married man". Whenever I ask about it, he says he will divorce her eventually, but that it is expensive and he is waiting until he can afford it. He is also worried she will try and take money from him. AIBU?

If he does, she will inherit, not you.

Dies

If they're still married she could end up taking money from you too.

Does he pay maintenance?

This would be a deal breaker for me. You are in a very precarious position.

I would go mad. 6 years and hes had 2 more kids on purpose but claims divorce is too expensive? Cop on he is never going to divorce her. Plus doesnt she get half of all his assets so you may find yourself in a really bad position either way. I wouldnt stay with a partner who insists on staying married to someone else. Not for 6 years.

You need to get this sorted. Your position is very vulnerable, and him divorcing her doesn’t make it any more likely that she will come after him for money. He has kids with you - it’s insane for him to not actually legally commit for the sake of protecting your interests.

YANBU not to like him being married to someone else but if having children with a ‘married’ man was an issue for you then it would probably have been better to address it before having them!

The divorce will split their assets. His former wife will not be taking money from him, but could possibly (is likely to) be entitled to a share of the marital assets.

You can get divorced for about 600 quid.

He needs to write a will very quickly.

He can divorce without her agreement cheaply and easily after 5 years separation she can't contest it.

Doesn't mean the finances will be sorted out though...

Isnt the actual divorce papers like £500? The expense comes from expensive court battles over who gets what.

Offer to pay for it and see what he says.

If they’ve been separated for years then it shouldn’t cost that much

So he can afford to have 2 more kids, and I’m assuming pay maintenance for another 2 but can’t afford to get divorced? 😐

If he can afford to have two kids with you, he could afford to divorce wife #1. That’s just plain BS and you know it, the price of being with this man, is accepting (which you’ve done up until now.

I'm astouthat you have had kids with a married man.
I mean i know he is separated and there's no issue of you two being together but having kids put things on a completely new level!
As others have said you are in a very precarious position if anything happens.
I could be wrong and happy for others to correct but won't the wife be NOK?

Why did you agree to date a married man and then have children with him from the offset? He should of got a divorce and then started to date, Alot of people I have dated seem to think that because they are separated that they are divorced, but they are still legally married like you OH is, unfortunately people then date thinking they will divorce their ex wifes/husband when we get together and as the years go on and they never do, his ex will inherit alot more now that he has been dragging his heels along.

Tell me he has got a will/

What does his wife think of the situation? Why hasn't she divorced him?

I try not to pressurise him and ruin what we have but it is starting to bother me that technically, I have 2 kids with a "married man".

The time to sort this out was before you had children with him.

He’s not going to divorce her and when he dies she’ll inherit his estate and you are unlikely to receive anything.

Don’t have children with married men.

And also, keep working and ensure you have savings in your own name. You are in a very precarious position.

It’s a bit late to negotiate after two DC. It can’t have bothered you that much or you wouldn’t be in this position, so what has changed?

My mother in law spent 30yrs with her partner. Even helped raise his 4 kids after he got custody of them. His ex was an alcoholic .

When he died he left everything to my mil but because he was still legally married to the ex who abandoned her kids and hadn't seen him in decades, she got almost everything. I think 80% of the estate.

I know he didnt love his wife, I think he just buried his head in the sand and never 'got round' to divorcing her. Maybe he thought the will was enough to protect mil. It wasnt.

You need to get this sorted. By protecting himself now hes leaving you vulnerable if/when he dies.

No wonder men behave so irresponsibly when they’re so effectively enabled to do so.

This is a common situation, a standard fear, because many wives really take away everything or a lot (for example, trying to formalize everything of value for themselves in a marriage - in an ordinary or hidden way).
The main thing is that you yourself feel that everything is fine in your relationship - and an official divorce is temporary difficulties! I wish everything worked out as best as possible!

Oh dear, OP. You are in a very vulnerable position and it's really poor that he's let you be left like this for so long.

What assets does he have that he's worried about sharing?