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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner still legally married - AIBU

215 replies

LegallyBlonde30 · 05/11/2020 18:44

I have been with my partner for 6 years. I have just given birth to our second child. He supports us all, we rent a nice flat in a nice area and have a good relationship but he is still legally married to his ex wife, whom he has 2 older children with. I try not to pressurise him and ruin what we have but it is starting to bother me that technically, I have 2 kids with a "married man". Whenever I ask about it, he says he will divorce her eventually, but that it is expensive and he is waiting until he can afford it. He is also worried she will try and take money from him. AIBU?

OP posts:
CakeRequired · 05/11/2020 20:19

Why would the ex wife push for divorce right now? She's getting maintenance from him, probably getting a decent amount to cover bills and might be worried he'll stop it if not still married to her. Once the kids are old enough to not need the maintenance paid, then she'll no doubt push for divorce. She's letting the business become even more successful to get a better deal, and the length of marriage plus having kids with another woman really just strengthens her situation.

She'll get a bucket load of money and probably make him go bankrupt by waiting. OP is in complete danger of having literally nothing once those kids grow up.

Grobagsforever · 05/11/2020 20:20

Jesus

Get your own job and income immediately, you're insane being financially dependent on a married man.

Get a job, cannot emphasis this enough

10pennychews · 05/11/2020 20:20

Omg! I am a nurse and we had a few cases like this in quick succession in the ITU I worked in and he does even have to die for this to be an Issue. We had 3 "ex" wives, one who refused to do fuck all, and left her 16 year old daughter to pick up the pieces and one were she was actually lovely to start with and said ask her (partner) what she wants and then tell me and I will agree, but her husbands partner who was pregnant with their second child attacked her in the corridor on her way out of the hospital, even though she knew what the wife had offered to do, and the wife retracted the offer, and did what she wanted, to be fair to her it was exactly what the doctors told her was what was required. And the third was very acrimonious and when he eventually died the wife took the body, and refused to discuss the funeral and inherited everything.... everything including the home the partner was living in, as wills had never been changed and the home they were in was the old marital home.
We had a flurry of weddings and divorces amongst the staff due to these when we all realised the issues.

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 05/11/2020 20:25

Surely the more he works and the more money he earns the more will be half hers? What if he opens a third gym, while they're still married she'll get half of that too. So unless he's made nothing in the last six years, he's an idiot. I agree with PPs I wouldn't have had children with a man who is still married. My best friend met her DH while he was still legally married they'd been separated for nearly 3 years, but essentially just hadn't bothered divorcing, they are still very amicable and co-parent happily. When they got to about a year into their relationship my friend said to him, I'm not looking for casual and you've told me you're not either, however I'm not becoming fully committed, financially linked etc to someone who is still married to someone else. He filed for divorce. They are still together a decade later, his ex wife and her husband came to my friend's wedding, they all get on very well and their son has two wonderful step parents. The key OP is that as soon as he realised that my friend wasn't happy about the situation, he acted to change it and valued her feelings.

AcornAutumn · 05/11/2020 20:26

@CakeRequired

Why would the ex wife push for divorce right now? She's getting maintenance from him, probably getting a decent amount to cover bills and might be worried he'll stop it if not still married to her. Once the kids are old enough to not need the maintenance paid, then she'll no doubt push for divorce. She's letting the business become even more successful to get a better deal, and the length of marriage plus having kids with another woman really just strengthens her situation.

She'll get a bucket load of money and probably make him go bankrupt by waiting. OP is in complete danger of having literally nothing once those kids grow up.

What I’d be thinking, as the wife, is that waiting allows too much time for things to happen eg business going under.
AcornAutumn · 05/11/2020 20:30

Another thought

If he gets divorced he might not want to get married again.

You have got to earn money OP. Your financial existence is far too risky.

CakeRequired · 05/11/2020 20:32

What I’d be thinking, as the wife, is that waiting allows too much time for things to happen eg business going under.

Yes but as his wife still, she has a card to play to get maintenance from him really, so why give that up? If she divorced now, she could potentially lose maintenance because he'll use his new family as an excuse. Currently, she is his family legally. Why lose that?

Plus in covid times, his businesses won't be doing as well being gyms. I'd still rather wait until they build back up again. As someone else said, he might be stupid and open a third gym, meaning even more money for her.

It's like getting paid money for doing a job that you'd normally do 'for free' (if they were still together) AND getting a massive pay out at the end of the job. He'd likely have to sell his businesses to give her the money, leaving him with nothing, but her a lovely down-payment on a house.

AcornAutumn · 05/11/2020 20:35

Cake “ Yes but as his wife still, she has a card to play to get maintenance from him really, so why give that up? If she divorced now, she could potentially lose maintenance because he'll use his new family as an excuse. Currently, she is his family legally. Why lose that?”

Oh, can he do that? She’d get half his current assets in a divorce though.

Oh well, hopefully she’s thought it through. I was always a “never getting married” person so I hadn’t thought of that kind of scenario.

JenniferSantoro · 05/11/2020 20:35

You’re not his next of kin. You’ll get nothing if he dies. I would get this sorted. I know people think it’ll never happen to them, but unfortunately for some, it does. Good luck getting sorted.

DryRoastPeanut · 05/11/2020 20:40

Sorry op and I’m going to sound like a cunt, but if my ex husband was still married to me, I’d have absolutely no qualms about taking everything from his new girlfriend just because I could, if he died.

Do you really think your children would get a look in at your dp’s assets , pension, property etc if anything happened to their dad?

Yabu, but it’s too late to do much now.

iMatter · 05/11/2020 20:41

This is a disaster waiting to happen OP

CakeRequired · 05/11/2020 20:44

Oh, can he do that? She’d get half his current assets in a divorce though.

Oh well, hopefully she’s thought it through. I was always a “never getting married” person so I hadn’t thought of that kind of scenario.

Well he shouldn't do that, but that doesn't stop many men not paying maintenance. He'd also be able to claim lower pay being self employed, and give her nothing, so realistically she's a bit better off right now staying married. That's assuming he's an asshole which it sounds like he is.

Dunno if the wife has thought it through like that though, but op certainly hasn't.

blarbed · 05/11/2020 20:45

His ex-wife is probably a bitch. My Dad has been separated from my Mum for 13 years and they are still married, despite their long-term current partners. He's petrified that she will claim she never received half of everything when they split (she took half and has been having half of his pension too ever since), and will take half of what he is left with now. She would as well.

Mintjulia · 05/11/2020 20:48

At the moment OP, you have no assets, no secure home and no support for your children if he dies.

And not much better if he walks away.

You need to get yourself a job and a pension as quickly as possible. And start building up an emergencies fund in your name. I wouldn't mention it to him.

Cocomarine · 05/11/2020 20:49

@blarbed why didn’t he divorce her soon after the initial decision of assets?

nancybotwinbloom · 05/11/2020 20:50

Well if he isn't going to marry you, will he sign half his business to you? What plans has he made in the event of
His death to look after you as the kids?

MustWe · 05/11/2020 20:52

I’m always a bit suspicious of people like your partner who seem to have loads of money but don’t or can’t buy property. I think it’s most likely that he just doesn’t want anyone sifting through his financial affairs. If the ex thought there was money to be had she’d be pushing for the divorce herself.

blarbed · 05/11/2020 20:55

@Cocomarine They split the savings, took a house each (they had rented one) and agreed to split the pension. However, my Dad's work pension entitles his wife to a 'Widow's Allowance' if he dies. They agreed that they would stay married so that that part of the pension did not go to waste in the event of his death.

13 years down the line, when bitterness between them has increased, my mum now lies about what she received initially (although my siblings and I know the truth as we sorted it for them) and talks about taking him for all she can get. He doesn't have much and would probably lose the house. When your married, any pension payments or asset division is viewed as being their money, so wouldn't count towards any settlement she's already had anyway.

TownHallDesigner · 05/11/2020 20:58

This is insanity.

You’ve left yourself and your children in a really vulnerable position, OP.

trixiebelden77 · 05/11/2020 21:05

Is he one of those misogynists who think fairly splitting the assets of a marriage is a woman ‘taking him for a ride’?

If so you’ve got bigger problems than his legal commitment to another woman.

You need to work and divorce needs to be a deal breaker. You need to be able to support yourself so you can leave if this man decides to remain married to someone else.

Crankley · 05/11/2020 21:06

What on earth possessed you to go into a relationship with a married man and have two children?

I don't think the posters on here have been harsh at all, you are in a dire situation. Not only is the wife NOK she is entitled to 50% of his assets, properties, businesses, pension when/if they divorce and if he dies she gets the lot and you get nothing. If he gets bored with you, you can be out with your DC on the pavement the next day. I don't know how you sleep at night.

If I were you, my priority would be to get a job, make myself financially self sufficient so if the worst happens, you are in a hell of a better position than you are right now. If you don't do it for yourself, do it for your children.

lunar1 · 05/11/2020 21:13

He's not technically married, he is married to her, and she retains the legal benefits of being his wife.

My friend got herself in a very similar position with a man for over 10 years. He earns over 300k, but puts it through a limited company. She gets peanuts in maintenance from him and wasn't entitled to anything.

Calmandmeasured1 · 05/11/2020 21:22

technically, I have 2 kids with a "married man".
No technically about it. You do have 2 kids with another woman's husband.

GeorginaTheGiant · 05/11/2020 21:23

Sounds like even if he ever divorces her he won’t marry you because clearly he sees women as leeches who are just going to take ‘his’ stuff. Never mind his wife probably supported him building those businesses up while caring for their children Hmm

In any case, as others have said you absolutely cannot continue relying on him financially. You need to look after your children’s best interests because their father certainly isn’t. Even if you can live with not inheriting anything from him yourself, are you really ok with your kids getting nothing?? Because his wife clearly will keep everything for her kids.

Even if he doesn’t die (!) how can you bear to get in bed each night with someone else’s husband? Every night for years including while you’re pregnant with his children. I’m not trying to make you feel bad but I think he’s minimising what a big deal this is and we’re all trying to persuade you otherwise. He’s really done a number on you if there’s any part of you that actually believes that someone getting divorced in order to marry the woman they’re meant to love, the mother of his children, could ‘ruin what we have’ Confused

I know this thread must be hard reading for you OP but I really hope you take it on board and act, for yo ur children’s sake if nothing else. Step one, get a job!!

Voice0fReason · 05/11/2020 21:28

A friend of mine was in your position. Happy with her partner and their 3 kids. He was still married and regularly saw his first 2 children.
Then he died very suddenly.
My friend had to deal with her own grief, her 3 young children and then hand over his life insurance to his wife.

It was fortunate that both families had a good relationship so the arrangments for his funeral and contact for the kids to still each other was amicably arranged, but it was heartbreaking that she was put in that position and left so vulnerable.