Partner still legally married - AIBU

[LegallyBlonde30]

I have been with my partner for 6 years. I have just given birth to our second child. He supports us all, we rent a nice flat in a nice area and have a good relationship but he is still legally married to his ex wife, whom he has 2 older children with. I try not to pressurise him and ruin what we have but it is starting to bother me that technically, I have 2 kids with a "married man". Whenever I ask about it, he says he will divorce her eventually, but that it is expensive and he is waiting until he can afford it. He is also worried she will try and take money from him. AIBU?

This whole conversation was a result of a pp saying the way round this is to teach women not to be ‘reliant’ - not ‘we should teach men better’ but ‘women need to sort this’

No, it was the result of you insisting that women have no responsibility for themselves or agency to protect themselves.

@VinylDetective

This whole conversation was a result of a pp saying the way round this is to teach women not to be ‘reliant’ - not ‘we should teach men better’ but ‘women need to sort this’

No, it was the result of you insisting that women have no responsibility for themselves or agency to protect themselves.

When did I say that? Still so desperate for that fight?

@Pumperthepumper This whole conversation was a result of a pp saying the way round this is to teach women not to be ‘reliant’ - not ‘we should teach men better’ but ‘women need to sort this’.

Yes, and just imagine if that woman was taught to not be in a reliant "financial" position, she might not even be in that position and if she was in that position she would be able to fix it and not have to put up with women on mumsnet saying "er, maybe you should have thought about this beforehand" because she did in fact think about it.

And as I said previously I don't dispute what you are saying but in order to fix it both have to do better surely? In fact I've said that all along.

[quote Faultymain5]**@Pumperthepumper* This whole conversation was a result of a pp saying the way round this is to teach women not to be ‘reliant’ - not ‘we should teach men better’ but ‘women need to sort this’.*

Yes, and just imagine if that woman was taught to not be in a reliant "financial" position, she might not even be in that position and if she was in that position she would be able to fix it and not have to put up with women on mumsnet saying "er, maybe you should have thought about this beforehand" because she did in fact think about it.

And as I said previously I don't dispute what you are saying but in order to fix it both have to do better surely? In fact I've said that all along.[/quote]
Nobody teaches women to be reliant on men. That’s not something that’s taught. What often happens is men see themselves as above childcare and so it is left to the woman. Men are able to walk away and society will line up to say ‘he wasn’t ready for fatherhood’; this thread has shown women are absolutely still seen as the default parent.

Do you honestly think women dont think twice about being financially reliant on someone? That’s very patronising.

It shouldn't be just the woman or just the man to learn about the legal and financial implications if it all goes wrong (or if it's going right), both have to take responsibility for their lives and situations. Whatever your gender, whether you're a single parent or in a happy marriage, an adult needs to be prepared to be responsible for themselves and their family. But women tend to be on the harsher end when shit happens, so if they at least make sure they're clued up about a situation, they know better how to handle it or where to find stronger support. It's great to enjoy the emotional and physical side of a relationship but you still have to be real about it - if OP's man disappears, how is she getting that rent paid?

Do you honestly think women dont think twice about being financially reliant on someone? That’s very patronising

Is it? I really don’t think some women think about it once, let alone twice or they wouldn’t do it.

@VinylDetective

Do you honestly think women dont think twice about being financially reliant on someone? That’s very patronising

Is it? I really don’t think some women think about it once, let alone twice or they wouldn’t do it.

More stellar content from you Vinyl.

I think we should be educating women to rely on themselves. But that doesn’t absolve men of the financial responsibility of their children of the impact of them. I don’t think we should be telling women to marry before they have children tho - way too retro

@CayrolBaaaskin

I think we should be educating women to rely on themselves. But that doesn’t absolve men of the financial responsibility of their children of the impact of them. I don’t think we should be telling women to marry before they have children tho - way too retro

It has nothing to do with being retro or old fashioned. Marriage is a legal contract and confers some rights to both spouses that people just living together don't have.

look - he's paying his ex maintenance - and that's about as much as YOU will get out of him when you split.

He doesn't want to give his ex the fair share she is due after all this time of being his partner/mother of his children- and he was married to her........you're deluded if you think he's going to let you get your hands on his money.

he's paying your keep only cos you live together - not because you have children together.
He could drop dead tomorrow and then you're up shit creek aren't you?

At least look into your options so you can start making plans to do your own bit providing for your family financially.

Do you honestly think women dont think twice about being financially reliant on someone?

I'd say that depends on the woman; we're not all some homogenous mass and sadly I can think of any number who feel they've "bagged themselves a rich man" and have got it made

Of course men should be responsible for the choices they make - but then, so should women

@Puzzledandpissedoff Agree with you 100%. We can't deny that there are women out there who are attracted to a man with money so they don't have to work and can join the "ladies who lunch" collective.
A very precarious position to be in IMO, but nevertheless one which is appealing to some.

Bit relieved when I read your actual post, @Nicknamegoeshere - I thought I was going to get flamed

Even though it's predominantly a female forum I do sometimes wonder if the "women as victims" thing gets a bit out of balance. Nobody denies there are some rotten men out there, but surely there's got to be some responsibility for our own choices?

I’m sorry you are in this situation. It’s a bit late now, but you need to ask yourself what you want.

I don’t mean to be harsh, but I have known several men who remain married to their first wives (while harping on about her making things difficult and not wanting to hurt her or the first dc) when in actual fact they do not want a second marriage and this is a very easy way to ensure this can never be an option. The first wife may be well aware of this. I was once chatting with an acquaintance who remained happily married to her ex in order to ‘protect dd’s inheritance from the latest dolly bird’. Not a particularly kind or respectful attitude, but somewhat pragmatic on her part and clearly agreed between the two of them.

Please consider whether you want yourself and your relationship to be viewed in this way. If he wanted to divorce and ensure you and your dc were provided for, he would. It clearly isn’t even on his radar. I would think very carefully before continuing with this relationship.

@Pumperthepumper Women may not be taught to be reliant on men, but I don't think they're taught to be reliant on themselves either.

For me, this is the reason why they need to be taught the practicalities of life before they actually have the responsibilities of life. I know too many people (men and women) who just live their lives and only deal with crises as and when they arise. Many crises actually are foreseeable.

@Ginfordinner I agree marriage is a contract, but it's one that men easily walk away from with little to no consequence, so I agree with @CayrolBaaaskin that it's a bit retro to tell women to wait for marriage. I had a child before I was married but I was also self-reliant and if anything happened I'd have been fine. Women need to be in that position especially before they become SAHMs.

It's equally important for both people in a relationship to understand the finances around that relationship. How many women have we heard are suddenly widoewed and don't know where the money is to pay the mortgage. To my mind it's all about partnership. Yes some people are better than others at things - i.e the shelf I fitted backwards, the fantastic carbonara that he cooks - but the idea is to ensure the things that matter really matter (like a roof over your heads), is something you are both aware of.