Partner still legally married - AIBU

[LegallyBlonde30]

I have been with my partner for 6 years. I have just given birth to our second child. He supports us all, we rent a nice flat in a nice area and have a good relationship but he is still legally married to his ex wife, whom he has 2 older children with. I try not to pressurise him and ruin what we have but it is starting to bother me that technically, I have 2 kids with a "married man". Whenever I ask about it, he says he will divorce her eventually, but that it is expensive and he is waiting until he can afford it. He is also worried she will try and take money from him. AIBU?

Agreed with most other PP’s, you’re in a vulnerable position. Lord knows why you chose to have children with him before he got divorced but that horse has already bolted... If he dies, she will inherit everything and you will get diddly squat.

[quote lyralalala]**@Faultymain5* Absolutely horrifed that she would take it, knowing she was legally entitled, but morally? I couldn't do it.*

You don’t know she had a choice.

I know a family where there was, and still is, a lot of bad feeling because an inheritance was absolutely promised to one person. however there was a problem with the will. It ended up going down the road of being intestate and was effectively split between three. One instantly said “No, that’s not right, I’ll give my share to X”. The other couldn’t as they were on benefits so couldn’t be seen to give away a lot of money without being penalised.[/quote]
Fair point.

This is much more a legal than AIBU question, really.

But from skimming:

Two rented houses. Despite having 2 "successful" gyms ?

The very first thing a police detective would assume was that the OPs partner was on the fiddle and has very good reason to keep solicitors and accountants well away from his "successful" business. This man appears to have gone out of his way to have no assets, and there is only ever one reason for that. And it's not a vow of poverty.

@Twisique

Doesn't make a difference if he gets life insurance and a will. The wife still gets everything. Really life insurance just means she gets even more money if he dies.

Your partner needs to sort this out- currently in law she would inherit everything if he were to die (God forbid). Even if he has a will leaving everything to his children or to you- she can contest it.
Divorce doesn't need to be expensive, it depends on assets/split etc.
Your partner needs proper legal advice ASAP.

She's not his ex wife
She's his wife
She will only become his ex wife when they get divorced
You need to sort it out

Before getting too excited about life insurance and wills, I'd advise getting this business (or "business") situation bottomed out. If the OPs partner comes a cropper for any reason, the last thing you need is to have HMRC and the fraud squad crawling up your arse (and they will) looking for hidden assets. Bearing in mind at 6 years in, it will be assumed the OP was not an innocent bystander.

They really should be teaching this stuff in school's 🙄, because some women seriously don't seem to have a breeze about how vulnerable they are having children with some men.🙄

@billy1966

They really should be teaching this stuff in school's 🙄, because some women seriously don't seem to have a breeze about how vulnerable they are having children with some men.🙄

You can lead a horse to water, etc.

@billy1966

They really should be teaching this stuff in school's 🙄, because some women seriously don't seem to have a breeze about how vulnerable they are having children with some men.🙄

Yes, we really should put more responsibility on women, and not the men who cause these situations.

Yes, we really should put more responsibility on women, and not the men who cause these situations.

Odd thing to say - one of the most important things to learn as a woman is to be responsible for yourself, and not rely on a man to save you!

@billy1966

They really should be teaching this stuff in school's 🙄, because some women seriously don't seem to have a breeze about how vulnerable they are having children with some men.🙄

Generally, there should be basic financial and legal information taught in schools. Of course it will change but children aren’t taught the most basic stuff of life. I think it’s based on the idea that their parents will but that’s not always the case.

Two rented houses. Despite having 2 "successful" gyms?

The same thing stood out to me
The whole thing stinks of a man who's determined to keep earnings under the radar, so good luck if you ever split - it would be difficult to think of a more precarious position than the one you've chosen for yourself

@ShowingOut

Yes, we really should put more responsibility on women, and not the men who cause these situations.

Odd thing to say - one of the most important things to learn as a woman is to be responsible for yourself, and not rely on a man to save you!

Have to agree with @ShowingOut on this one. Yes ideally all men should look out for their partners (and vice versa) but the entire point here is that women need to know how to take charge of their lives, and not be reliant on others. Every women is going to have the possibility to be in a situation like this at some point in her life, ultimately if she’s an adult it’s on her to be in charge of her life and not just hope that everyone out there is looking out for her.

Nothing contradictory in saying men should be taught to better partners, and women should have the life skills to refuse to make bad choices.

@ShowingOut

Yes, we really should put more responsibility on women, and not the men who cause these situations.

Odd thing to say - one of the most important things to learn as a woman is to be responsible for yourself, and not rely on a man to save you!

Or we could teach boys not to make multiple children they don’t want. We could teach them that they must pay for the children they create. We could teach them to value their partners, instead of blaming the mothers for being ‘reliant’.

We could also teach girls not to have multiple children with married men. Or men who won’t marry them.

@VinylDetective

We could also teach girls not to have multiple children with married men. Or men who won’t marry them.

Married cheating men are still the fault of women? Sure.

You need to resolve this urgently for your own protection.

Also remember that your two kids are going to grow up knowing their dad is married to another woman! How do you think that will make them feel?

@ShowingOut

Yes, we really should put more responsibility on women, and not the men who cause these situations.

Odd thing to say - one of the most important things to learn as a woman is to be responsible for yourself, and not rely on a man to save you!

I get what you are both trying to say, but isn't it the parents' responsibility?

Although that would probably be the blind leading the blind based on many of the scenarios we get ourselves into.

@LegallyBlonde30 does your partner share your bed every night? - Reason I ask is, are you sure you aren't just his bit on the side and his wife doesn't actually know about you?
As PP have said you are in an extremely vulnerable situation, marriage these days does not necessarily have to be the big fluffy white wedding with 300 guests costing thousands. Stripped down to its legalities, it is a legal contract between two people protecting both of them - basically an insurance policy. You wouldn't buy a house without house insurance so why have children without getting married first??

Or we could teach boys not to make multiple children they don’t want.

You can lead a horse to water ...

Married cheating men are still the fault of women? Sure

Nobody mentioned cheating.

@billy1966 They really should be teaching this stuff in school's 🙄, because some women seriously don't seem to have a breeze about how vulnerable they are having children with some men.🙄

@Pumperthepumper Or we could teach boys not to make multiple children they don’t want. We could teach them that they must pay for the children they create. We could teach them to value their partners, instead of blaming the mothers for being ‘reliant’.

@ShowingOut Odd thing to say - one of the most important things to learn as a woman is to be responsible for yourself, and not rely on a man to save you!

None of you are wrong, but do you really think these women and these men were raised without being told these situations are wrong.

Oh and practically speaking the reason why the women end up with being expected to do more is because men can simply walk away and as seen over and over, do. It is sensible for women to protect themselves and be aware of how they can do that.

@ShowingOut

Yes, we really should put more responsibility on women, and not the men who cause these situations.

Odd thing to say - one of the most important things to learn as a woman is to be responsible for yourself, and not rely on a man to save you!

Exactly, if it isn't my responsibility not to have a couple of children with a married man and to not work, and be completely financially at his mercy......who's responsibility is it????

Santa?
The fairies?
God?
The Universe?
The Dalai Lama's?

Whose responsibility is it.

I say it's mine.
My responsibility.

And I am most certainly raising my daughter's to value and protect themselves and to not put themselves in a position where they are extremely vulnerable and at the mercy of anyone.

So yea, may be teaching young women to understand how vulnerable having children can make them, with out their own careers, financial security, marriage etc. would be a good idea.

I sure as hell wouldn't be looking to expect it from men🙄

Did you not anticipate this being a problem op ?
Seriously , two kids ?
I don't know what to suggest , he absolutely holds all the cards here. You're completely at his mercy .