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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner still legally married - AIBU

215 replies

LegallyBlonde30 · 05/11/2020 18:44

I have been with my partner for 6 years. I have just given birth to our second child. He supports us all, we rent a nice flat in a nice area and have a good relationship but he is still legally married to his ex wife, whom he has 2 older children with. I try not to pressurise him and ruin what we have but it is starting to bother me that technically, I have 2 kids with a "married man". Whenever I ask about it, he says he will divorce her eventually, but that it is expensive and he is waiting until he can afford it. He is also worried she will try and take money from him. AIBU?

OP posts:
Cosyjimjamsforautumn · 05/11/2020 19:22

Are you working and do you have separate finances as you could come badly unstuck?

Take heed. My ex colleague's DP never divorced his first wife. He had 2DC each with DW and xcolleague (who was on mat leave with DC2 when her DP sadly passed away very suddenly age 37 earlier this year). She's lost her home because he never got around to changing his will or the beneficiary on his life insurance! So she's grieving, financially stuck and any further legal challenge will cost her money she doesn't have.

Kit19 · 05/11/2020 19:23

God lord OP I’m trying not to be harsh but what were you thinking??

She is his next of kin, if he were to be have an accident tomorrow & be rushed to hospital unconscious she not you would be the person making decisions, if he decides he no longer wants to be with you then he has no responsibility to you at all only to the DC, if he died tomorrow she’d get everything

Seriously what are you doing? Protect yourself, protect your children, have some self respect here! You’ve given birth to 2 of his children & he can’t even be arsed to divorce his wife?

Another thought - if he owns 2 gyms, is she also a director of the company too? Are their tax advantages to him remaining married to her??

Come on lovey you know you’re worth more than this!!!

emilyfrost · 05/11/2020 19:23

Why would you have children with a man who can’t even be bothered to divorce his ex?

If he can afford two kids, he can afford to divorce, and he should have done it before you had the two kids.

GroundAlmonds · 05/11/2020 19:23

If he’s ever in an accident or needs urgent medical attention you can’t consent as you’re not his Next of Kin.

NoK rules do not work along the same lines as intestacy law. To a large extent, you can appoint anyone you like, but if you don’t , institutions use common sense.

CantStandMeow · 05/11/2020 19:26

My ex dragged his feet about signing the divorce papers (I filed against him after he left for the OW, paid all fees etc but he was very reluctant to actually sign) Until I mentioned that should he be in an accident it would be me who got to pull the plug Wink

MrsAudreyShapiro · 05/11/2020 19:27

I agree with pp, you are in a very vulnerable position with no income of your own.

If his excuse is that it's expensive, ask him to sit down with you, draw up a budget and start a savings plan for the divorce. If he owns and runs a successful business with 2 gyms, he clearly knows about financial management and budgeting.

If he refuses to sit down and make a plan with you, I'm afraid you have your answer: he likes you being vulnerable.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 05/11/2020 19:28

If he’s ever in an accident or needs urgent medical attention you can’t consent as you’re not his Next of Kin

This is not true.

OP - he needs to see a lawyer. Yes, if he divorces his wife will be entitled to a settlement, but without talking to a lawyer he cannot know what that might be.
Does he have a will? Are you and your children named in it?

He needs to sort out his divorce, and at the same time, do a will. At the moment if he died, and he has not made a will it is very likely that his wife would inherit the first big chunk of his assets, with a smaller portion being divided between all his children, including yours. But you would be high and dry.

Faultymain5 · 05/11/2020 19:28

I don't know what's worse here living with someone who has money who says divorce is too expensive but two more kids are not or living with someone who has no money who says divorce is too expensive but tow more kids are not. Sorry one of my relatives is in the latter situation.

I believe the longer he is married, by the time he is ready to divorce she gets more depending on the length of the marriage doesn't she? So you are good enough to live with, have children with but not to ensure your lives are catered for if anything happens to him?

It sounds like you are not alright with this, but like I said to my relative the fact that you live with him, in his mind, means you are okay with it.

monkeymonkey2010 · 05/11/2020 19:28

you shacked up with a married man and had two kids to him - and you have no job cos yo expect him to fund you......

Not only does his wife have a claim on marital assets, but she is legally his next of kin - so you will get pushed out of the way regarding anything to do with 'next of kin' legalities.

He's paying her maintenance and knows she has a big claim on his finances.........he isn't going to marry you and in doing so effectively 'give' YOU his 'hard earned assets'.

He's only paying for your 'keep' whilst he's with you - and you'll be even further up shit creek when he leaves you - you'll be lucky if you get maintenance from him.

Pedallleur · 05/11/2020 19:29

Get him to make a will naming you as the beneficiary. Why hasn't his wife divorced him?

whoareyouIwonder · 05/11/2020 19:29

Why would you have children with a man who can’t even be bothered to divorce his ex?

This. Get some respect.

Kcar · 05/11/2020 19:29

Oh dear. You’re very vulnerable.

If he dies she will inherit.

Notnownotneverever · 05/11/2020 19:29

I think the problem is more what is he waiting for? What will change financially? If he's running a business then he won't be trying to earn less or for the business to make less money so surely he just needs to accept that his ex will be entitled to half the business and he will need to settle that. It won't change in the future.

Livelovebehappy · 05/11/2020 19:30

Maybe he doesn’t want to get married again, and thinks by staying married to his ex, that he doesn’t have any added pressure of committing to you?

ShowingOut · 05/11/2020 19:32

@HollowTalk

He needs to write a will very quickly.
If he's too lazy/cheap to get divorced, then I doubt he'll write a will either!

And, OP, like the others have said, you are on very insecure ground here.

GreenClock · 05/11/2020 19:32

You need to get a job OP and save some money. Protect yourself.

If he leaves you, you’ll be entitled to child maintenance and nothing else.

He won’t divorce her. So get your own affairs in order so that you’re less vulnerable. That’s all you can really do now. Be pragmatic.

Candyfloss99 · 05/11/2020 19:32

So he's happy to be in a legal contract with his ex who he clearly doesn't trust? You are in such an awful position. This needs sorted ASAP. If he doesn't ring a solicitor to get this sorted tomorrow you should think about whether you want to stay with him.

PurpleFlower1983 · 05/11/2020 19:34

I met my DH when he was still married, they were going to wait for 2 years separation but I pushed the issue as I didn’t want to be with a ‘married man’. I don’t know how you’ve managed to have a family with that looming over you!

FilthyforFirth · 05/11/2020 19:36

Good lord, why an earth have you had 2 children with a married man? And why are you now bothered about it?

You are in such a precarious position. I would be looking to get a job asap. He clearly wont divorce her, nothing to stop him easily leaving you though....

Wyntersdiary · 05/11/2020 19:36

If he dies it will all go to her though :S

lyralalala · 05/11/2020 19:36

Even if he writes a will she, as his wife who has dependent children, will have a claim on his estate.

He is basically leaving you (and her) and massive fucking shitstorm to sort out if he got hit by a bus tomorrow.

You are in a very vulnerable situation.

Does he have a will. Why does he rent a house if he's so successful - is that purely to keep assets away from a divorce?

vanillandhoney · 05/11/2020 19:37

@Pedallleur

Get him to make a will naming you as the beneficiary. Why hasn't his wife divorced him?
A will can be contested in court, especially if it names someone other than the person's legal spouse as beneficiary.

He needs to get a divorce.

HappyDays10101 · 05/11/2020 19:38

He’s not ‘legally married’. He’s ‘married’.

user1473878824 · 05/11/2020 19:39

@monkeymonkey2010

you shacked up with a married man and had two kids to him - and you have no job cos yo expect him to fund you......

Not only does his wife have a claim on marital assets, but she is legally his next of kin - so you will get pushed out of the way regarding anything to do with 'next of kin' legalities.

He's paying her maintenance and knows she has a big claim on his finances.........he isn't going to marry you and in doing so effectively 'give' YOU his 'hard earned assets'.

He's only paying for your 'keep' whilst he's with you - and you'll be even further up shit creek when he leaves you - you'll be lucky if you get maintenance from him.

What a horrible post
ivykaty44 · 05/11/2020 19:40

There are several practicalities that make him being married to someone else rather difficult in the event of x y and z

you have had two children with a married man - he has not dissolved his partnership with his former partner, not a great move to have children with him until that was sorted

but your I that situation now

so you can tell him you'd like him to divorce to show his commitment to you and a diy divorce isn't difficult or expensive

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