Partner still legally married - AIBU

[LegallyBlonde30]

I have been with my partner for 6 years. I have just given birth to our second child. He supports us all, we rent a nice flat in a nice area and have a good relationship but he is still legally married to his ex wife, whom he has 2 older children with. I try not to pressurise him and ruin what we have but it is starting to bother me that technically, I have 2 kids with a "married man". Whenever I ask about it, he says he will divorce her eventually, but that it is expensive and he is waiting until he can afford it. He is also worried she will try and take money from him. AIBU?

When I was a trainee solicitor a wife came. A man had died in an accident at work and been in paper. Married young together briefly and she said everyone thought they had divorced. He’d lived with his girlfriend for many years - 20 plus. Wife inherited the lot - think there was death in service payment etc. Was substantial. I can remember the secretaries in the office being horrified.

I feel like people shocked by the 'someone else's husband' part are either religious or missing the point - they're very clearly separated, so for emotional purposes it's kind of irrelevant whether they're still married. She's not a mistress, nor would it (other than very strictly in religion) class as adultery - if the wife wanted to claim adultery it'd be very easy to show that he's been separated from her for a long time, for example.

But that's besides the point - OP, you need to take steps to sort this precarious situation out. I personally don't think there's anything morally dubious about him being married in terms of your relationship (as he was separated from his wife), but financially it's bad, and he sounds either like he's very stupid when it comes to how divorce works and what it costs, or he has something else going on with his assets that you need to be aware of. Who owns multiple businesses but not their own home?

I would like to think l wouldn't take it if l was in this position but if the relationship ended acrimonious and l had kids t support l probably would. Everyone for themselves.

@yelyah22

I feel like people shocked by the 'someone else's husband' part are either religious or missing the point - they're very clearly separated, so for emotional purposes it's kind of irrelevant whether they're still married. She's not a mistress, nor would it (other than very strictly in religion) class as adultery - if the wife wanted to claim adultery it'd be very easy to show that he's been separated from her for a long time, for example.

But that's besides the point - OP, you need to take steps to sort this precarious situation out. I personally don't think there's anything morally dubious about him being married in terms of your relationship (as he was separated from his wife), but financially it's bad, and he sounds either like he's very stupid when it comes to how divorce works and what it costs, or he has something else going on with his assets that you need to be aware of. Who owns multiple businesses but not their own home?

No-one has mentioned religion. The fact he's single for "emotional purposes" won't financially protect the OP if anything happens to her partner and that's what people are commenting on.

The wife could claim adultery. Having sex with someone else while you are married is, legally, adultery. There's a couple of birth certificates to prove said adultery as well. Not that it would matter in financial terms.

for emotional purposes it's kind of irrelevant whether they're still married So?

It’s not the emotional reasons that leave OP and her two young children incredibly vulnerable. They’re the factual legal ones.

yelysh it is adultery legally. The man’s wife could divorce him for adultery with op the proof is 2 children. Irrelevant if relationship started after split up they are legally married.
If Man’s wife has more kids then she can register op’s boyfriend as father (no need for him to be present) as the husband is legally presumed to be father of a married woman’s children.

OP needs to step up and sort this out for her dc if not herself.
Everything that needs to be said has already been said.
Time for some serious discussions OP.

@lyralalala and @Dixiechickonhols wouldn't work in the divorce courts as they have been separated for over 5 years and clearly due to her husband having 2 children with another woman, she was aware of it for at least 2 years.

Regardless the OP needs to sort herself out.

This was exactly the story SIL's ex gave as his excuse for not divorcing his wife. It was blatantly a load of rubbish because he'd already paid for a separate house for his wife and was paying maintenance for his children, so being divorced couldn't leave him any worse off financially. Unfortunately SIL wouldn't believe it and stuck with him for ages, right up to the time he found a younger model to replace her.

RedMarauder wife may not be aware OP doesn’t say. He may work away and stay in flat with op when he’s working etc. He could well have a good reason for not divorcing wife i.e she still thinks they are in a marriage.

Oh yeah I agree AnneLovesGilbert

It’s not the emotional reasons that leave OP and her two young children incredibly vulnerable. They’re the factual legal ones.

^^ 100% agree here. I was referring to comments like this from a PP:

how can you bear to get in bed each night with someone else’s husband? Every night for years including while you’re pregnant with his children

In my opinion, whether or not he was married wouldn't have a bearing on how I felt in that scenario, as long as they were actually seperated (i.e. the emotional relationship was over).

Obviously the fact that he's married is legally and financially a huge problem.

@LegallyBlonde30

She rents too

At the above, you only know the wife rents because he has told you. I suspect he owns the house the wife currently lives in. You can look up who owns a property on the Land Registry website for £3.

Apart from that, I'd start looking for a job if I were you. Then once you are more secure, give him an ultimatum that he divorces the wife or you leave. You really are in such a vulnerable position.

The longer he leaves it the more money she can take from him as the marriage will have gone on for longer. It could negatively affect you & your children's financial position.
If he dies or is seriously injured she inherits/ gets to make the decisions.

Its not that expensive, just do it for your future.

Lots of people are saying the OP should get a job... which in principle is good advice, but childcare for 2 children will be expensive.

One of them might be in school... so maybe it would be childcare for just one...that's still expensive.

Her OH pays the rent, utilities, food.....everything and she is fully financially dependent on him.

Given what we know, what are the chances that her OH will pay a penny towards childcare, given that he pays everything else? So unless the OP can get a job that covers the entire cost of childcare.....then it's not a viable option for her.

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@Feelinglost1919

The fact you’ve no family and he is not involving you in his, is just really cruel. I live overseas away from family and when friends involve me in their Xmas family dinners etc - it is very touching.
I would be so offended and hurt if my OH didn’t invite me along ! Massive red flag

Did you miss this?

I forgot to say however that they did ask me over for Christmas day from the start (managed to avoid going)

29Pedallleur

Get him to make a will naming you as the beneficiary.

He's not going to do this. He doesn't want his Ex to get what she's entitled to and he won't make the OP a beneficiary. This man is protecting his assets.

The ABC

You need to:
a) insist on divorce and marriage to yourself. As other's said upthread, it's approx £500 for the divorce and just £120 for a civil ceremony. Your peace of mind is worth £620.

Except it will cost her OH a lot more than £620....so why would he marry her? He won't and one cannot really insist your OH marries you.... when it's obvious in this case he doesn't want to marry her.

I suspect he's the kind of person to hide his assets and neither the OP or his Ex will get much if anything at the end of the day.

No advice but this situation sounds exactly like my sister she is engaged to a man who is still legally married to his ex his excuse for not getting divorced he wants his ex wife to sort it out because she will get legal aid he has already said he doesn’t want to get married again so I think what he really means is if he keeps saying he’s waiting for his ex to sort it out it’s never going to happen then my sister can’t make him go through a 2nd marriage that he doesn’t want. I think my sister is extremely stupid for staying with him and putting up with his antics I wish she wouldn’t be so gullible and naive but she wouldn’t listen to anyone if they told her to stop wasting her life waiting for a wedding that will never happen.

My fiancé and I were both legally married when we first met. Mine was because ex was still attempting to contest the divorce (narcissist) and fiancé being as horizontal as he is hadn't applied for the decree absolute (amicable separation). However, within about six months of us dating we both sorted it and became officially divorced. It was important to both of us.

We now have a baby girl together. No way I'd have had a child with him had either of us still been married!

@SandyY2K wrong thread.

Oh dear. You really are screwed OP. You’d best make sure you don’t invest/own anything with him and hope he doesn’t die. You’ll be in trouble then! This happened to a friend of mine. They’d been together 20 years plus. He snuffed it. To this day she doesn’t even know where he’s buried and she had to sell the house because the “wife” got his share of the house that they’d lived in all those years. NEVER invest your life in a married man. Legally you are a nobody.

Why did you now wait till he was divorced first? he is legally still married, you need to get a job and you do not need a man to support you

@LegallyBlonde30

My partner owns 2 successful gyms and he is worried she will try and get a lot of money out of him. He does pay her maintenance and no, I don't have my own income, he supports us. I don't know what his ex wife thinks about is as I've never asked her or him.

op I would suggest a good way to get what you need to be financially stable is to insist on an hour or two with a solicitor and then a financial advisor to hammer out wills, power of attorney etc. and discuss what would be needed to protect your children in the event of one of you dying or the like. While you are at the solicitor you should bring up the wife and your two step-children so they can be included in the will and maybe ask if she has any claim on his assets, what would happen if she decided to divorce him now or in the future and how that might impact any joint assets, pension or life insurance.

Once you have that information as a couple you can pressure him to get appropriate legal documents and insurance in place so your children are protected and ensure your assets aren’t so mingled with his that they are at risk.

I agree with the sentiment of others, though, that if he is avoiding divorce because he’s concerned about providing his wife with a fair distribution of assets then you should probably be considering how to protect yourself from his self-centeredness rather than how to legally entwine yourself with him further.

@Dixiechickonhols

When I was a trainee solicitor a wife came. A man had died in an accident at work and been in paper. Married young together briefly and she said everyone thought they had divorced. He’d lived with his girlfriend for many years - 20 plus. Wife inherited the lot - think there was death in service payment etc. Was substantial. I can remember the secretaries in the office being horrified.

Absolutely horrifed that she would take it, knowing she was legally entitled, but morally? I couldn't do it.

There are a few things you can do.

You can take out life insurance on your partner, get him to pay for it.

You can start a pension or savings. I would take advice on what would suit you best. Small amounts each month can add up!

Change your mindset to one of a more independent person. What do you need? What will you need if he dies, he leaves you, you don't want to be with him. What would help you in the future? Not 'us'.

You can ask him to make a will, his response will help you see clearly no doubt. Maybe he already has one? Maybe he will do as you ask and leave everything to all his children. Either way don't rely on it, wills can be changed.

Get yourself a part time job when you can. It will boost your confidence and could lead to more when your youngest is older.

Build a strong support network, other mums, friends and family.

Don't bury your head in the sand! You can do this, maybe not all at once but bit by bit until you are in a better position. Start with the life insurance this week. You got this!

I strongly suggest you read this. You’re in a very vulnerable position should something happen to him and he dies (as previous posters suggest).

You’re also very vulnerable if you break up. You’ll only be entitled to child maintenance. You’re not entitled to any maintenance yourself and no share of assets. As you’re not working, unless you’re making contributions to your pension, you’ll have nothing in the future but very basics.

Oh my goodness, please do something to safeguard something for your future

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/death-and-wills/who-can-inherit-if-there-is-no-will-the-rules-of-intestacy/

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.news24.com/amp/w24/work/legal/can-a-mistress-inherit-from-her-married-lovers-estate-20170512

@Faultymain5 Absolutely horrifed that she would take it, knowing she was legally entitled, but morally? I couldn't do it.

You don’t know she had a choice.

I know a family where there was, and still is, a lot of bad feeling because an inheritance was absolutely promised to one person. however there was a problem with the will. It ended up going down the road of being intestate and was effectively split between three. One instantly said “No, that’s not right, I’ll give my share to X”. The other couldn’t as they were on benefits so couldn’t be seen to give away a lot of money without being penalised.