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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner still legally married - AIBU

215 replies

LegallyBlonde30 · 05/11/2020 18:44

I have been with my partner for 6 years. I have just given birth to our second child. He supports us all, we rent a nice flat in a nice area and have a good relationship but he is still legally married to his ex wife, whom he has 2 older children with. I try not to pressurise him and ruin what we have but it is starting to bother me that technically, I have 2 kids with a "married man". Whenever I ask about it, he says he will divorce her eventually, but that it is expensive and he is waiting until he can afford it. He is also worried she will try and take money from him. AIBU?

OP posts:
monkeymonkey2010 · 05/11/2020 19:40

he just needs to accept that his ex will be entitled to half the business and he will need to settle that. It won't change in the future

He's put it off this long cos he doesn't want the divorce top affect his businesses - which it will if he has to sell to pay her out.
SHE isn't going to divorce him when she knows she gets more the longer they remain technically married and that she's automatically STILL the next of kin when it comes to legal stuff and 'inheriting' should he die.
Also, staying married means she and her children remain a higher 'priority and importance' in the hierarchy than the OP and her kids.

Anyway....maybe his business will now suffer due to Covid closures?
If it does - both women are going to feel the impact financially.....especially if he loses his business and there's no assets or money left in the 'bottomless pot'......
Maybe that will make the idea of getting divorced more palatable for him?

unicornparty · 05/11/2020 19:42

Why aren't you working? You've put yourself in a ridiculously vulnerable position.

SixesAndEights · 05/11/2020 19:43

My divorce cost next to nothing as I was entitled to have the fee waived.

As others have said it's about £500 otherwise.

AuntieMarys · 05/11/2020 19:46

No words. You are either naive or stupid.

RedMarauder · 05/11/2020 19:48

It's £550 and he can do it under 5 years separation.

He is better of divorcing her while she is still young enough to get a job. Also with lockdowns and if there is a recession his gyms won't be worth as much.

Iwonder08 · 05/11/2020 19:49

OP, I think you are mad. You have zero rights or security. You need to raise it him firmly. You need to see his will and he needs to set up a life insurance to make sure there is a substantial sum of money left to you if he dies suddenly.

1stV45 · 05/11/2020 19:50

So he's avoiding divorce becuae he thinks his wife will get a share of his business? Surely that gets bigger the longer he leaves it. He's never going to divorce.

I hope he's written a will or his wife will get everything.

JurassicParkaha · 05/11/2020 19:51

Being with a 'married man' is not what you should be worried about. You have no job, income, no legal rights atm to your partner's assets or maintenance, no assets of your own - why on earth have you allowed yourself to be so vulnerable?? You have children to think of, and you cannot afford to be so naive about financial protection. Do you have any sort of contingency if he leaves you?

Get him to draw up a will, find a job or some source of income, and insist he gets divorced. You can't control what he does re: the will and divorce - but please, at least look to get back on the job market so you have an income and SOMETHING that's your own.

Ronia · 05/11/2020 19:52

Leaving aside the fact that he's married to someone else, not having income of your own and having two children leaves you so incredibly vulnerable. There was a thread on here the other day from a woman who's been with her partner for 20 years, and had kids with him and been a stay at home mother. He was now leaving her and she's left with nothing. It was heartbreaking.
You're twice as vulnerable as he's actually got a wife!

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 05/11/2020 19:53

OP you’re in a ridiculously vulnerable position now. If something happened to him, or if he left you, you would basically be unemployed and on the streets with nothing but a bit of child maintenance. I don’t think it’s possible to be in a more vulnerable position surely? It’s not like he can even leave his estate to you and your children/his other children too if he dies, as it’s entangled with his wife’s.

Obviously it’s too late now, but this situation should NEVER have arisen. Ever. I think if he had any real respect for you or concern for his children, he wouldn’t have put you in thai situation. And if you had string self respect, you would never have accepted it.

However going forward:
1: he needs to get divorced. Right now. It’s only getting worse as he leaves it. If it’s “to expensive” then it’s his own fault for leaving it so long, to get so pricey! If he refuses to do it, honestly I would consider leaving him. You can’t invest your life in someone with that little basic care or respect for you.

2: you need to get a job, ASAP and have your own security nest. If he left you now, you would be literally out on the street with nothing but child maintenance. Similar picture if he died suddenly. You CANNOT rely financially on someone who has no obligation towards you.

BluntAndToThePoint80 · 05/11/2020 19:53

I’d agree with the various pp. @JurassicParkaha sums it up nicely.

picosandsancerre · 05/11/2020 19:53

god yet another woman who has kids and ends up a SAHM and isnt married. Given he already has two kids, is still married it doesnt bode well for you. Your entitled to nothing!

So he either gets divorced and you marry or as with most folks these days you get a job so if he choses to move on you wont be left struggling on the dole

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 05/11/2020 19:56

There is nothing more to add that you haven't already been told. There's no technically about it - you are dating, and have children with a married man. He, and his wife hold all the cards and all the power here.

TicTacTwo · 05/11/2020 19:57

How much she would get is determined by length of marriage and whether or not there are kids. 5+ years is considered a long marriage (even if it's on paper) so he's shot himself in the foot not acting ASAP. She has a claim on the business, his pension, savings, life insurance and any house he buys before his divorce. If he died, she'd get it all and you'd have to take her to court to get money for the kids. If you split with him then you'd only get Child Maintenance for the kids.

You're in an extremely vulnerable position. Would it be best to act now while the gym's value is lower thanks to Covid?

TheABC · 05/11/2020 19:58

He dies: you get nothing. No income, security, share of pension or a roof over your head. She gets everything.

Your relationship breaks up. He kicks you out; same situation, except you may get child maintenance (if you are lucky).

You need to:
a) insist on divorce and marriage to yourself. As other's said upthread, it's approx £500 for the divorce and just £120 for a civil ceremony. Your peace of mind is worth £620.

b) Get a job and a separate income stream from your partner. You need it, if only to fund your pension!

Good luck.

Charleyhorses · 05/11/2020 19:58

Exactly what has he got that she can take?
Insist it get sorted.
Meanwhile take out life insurance on him in your name tomorrow

user1471453601 · 05/11/2020 20:00

Id just like to put the counter argument. My ex left me for OW many, many years ago. I don't know OW but we once had a telephone conversation where I persuaded her not to send him packing. Sounds odd, but both me an ex could see our marriage was over, and I could see (me and ex still lived in the same house) that he really cared for her.

20 years latee, he asked for a divorce, because he needed to be taken off the mortgage to the property we owned together. The delay in divorcing was not because we retained feelings for each other, it was just that I saw no need to start proceedings, so I didnt. I've no idea why he didnt.

So, in my case, it wasn't a case of " hanging on", it was more a case of " shrug, cannot be bothered,means nothing".

If, opening poster, it bothers you that he's still martied, tell him. If he still remainsmarried, rethink your options,which aren't many with two children.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 05/11/2020 20:04

Don't think l would wait until tomorrow @charleyhorses

Hippee · 05/11/2020 20:05

I don't think that you can write your husband or wife out of a will. My DGF wanted to leave everything he had to his children as DGM was in a psychiatric unit, but she was entitled to at least half, I think.

CakeRequired · 05/11/2020 20:06

Nothing anyone has said here is horrible. It's all the truth.

OP, you're fucked essentially. You've thought about this 6 years too late.

  1. He's never going to divorce her because he doesn't want her getting half his stuff. You are NEVER going to be married to him.
  1. You should never have had kids with him if this bothered you, but you're screwed in that front now.
  1. Get a job, quickly. Others are right, he will not support you with maintenance if you split up.

You're going to have to hope you never split up to be honest. But if he dies before you, you're entitled to nothing, just know that. His wife and other two children get everything. You will be left with two kids, your rented house and memories, that's it.

Bringing it up is going to make no difference. Start trying to get your own assets separate from him, entirely separate because if he has a share in a house, his ex wife will get half of that too if he dies before you. You will never be able to share a proper life with this man. Have separate bank accounts too. Keep everything separate.

I'm doubting you've done any of that, but honestly if you actually want to make sure you and your kids aren't screwed if he walks out, you'll take our advice. He will never marry you.

FrippEnos · 05/11/2020 20:08

@LegallyBlonde30

My partner owns 2 successful gyms and he is worried she will try and get a lot of money out of him. He does pay her maintenance and no, I don't have my own income, he supports us. I don't know what his ex wife thinks about is as I've never asked her or him.
He knows that she is entitled to a big chunk of what he has.

To make it worse, as he leaves it longer and builds up more money from the business she gets more.

Itawapuddytat · 05/11/2020 20:13

@LegallyBlonde30

My partner owns 2 successful gyms and he is worried she will try and get a lot of money out of him. He does pay her maintenance and no, I don't have my own income, he supports us. I don't know what his ex wife thinks about is as I've never asked her or him.
Well, she is NOT his ex wife. She is his current wife, and as things are at the moment, she is entitled to a good chunk of his assets. If something happens to him, since they are not legally divorced, she is next of kin and can inherit (if there is a will she can contest it and has a good chance to win)

If he really wants to look after you and your children, he cannot NOT afford to divorce her. It should be a priority, now that you have children together.

Cocomarine · 05/11/2020 20:14

Interesting that you see a perfect reasonable request - wanting tour boyfriend and father of your children not to be married to someone else - as something that will “pressurise” him, and “ruin what you have.”

He’s really the one calling the shots here, isn’t he?

He’s only going to owe her more, not less. All the money those successful gyms have been making for the last 6+ years, pension contributions... So it doesn’t make sense for him to wait.

It does seem odd for her to wait - and I’m cynical enough to want to know more about that. Is she scared of him? Sure that he’ll successfully hide money and punish her by reducing maintenance? Or perhaps stopping paying the mortgage in a house she still lives in? A bit extreme perhaps, but I’d be very interested to know her reason for waiting.

If you think it’s ridiculous to suggest she could be scared of him... you’re scared of raising this reasonable request with him.

As ever though, the time got boundaries is before planning children!

gemini70 · 05/11/2020 20:15

I think some of the posts are a bit harsh. You’ve made a mistake but we’ve all made mistakes haven’t we? My advice to you is to think about yourself and how you will make your position better. As others have said, you need your own income, but also a short term and long term plan for financial independence and security. Don’t ask him, tell him to get a divorce and have a plan for how you will support your children and yourself if need arises. Best of luck.

Cocomarine · 05/11/2020 20:15

Ignore mortgage point, I see she rents.