To consider letting DD stay alone overnight?

[DreadingSeason2020sFinale]

Sorry, may be long.

My dad is dying. He lives at the other end of the country so when the time comes, DH and I will need to go there for a couple of days for the funeral.
MIL lives two streets away in our small, quiet village.
DD who is 14 years old wants to sleep in the house at night on her own with the cat, and her sister (11) and brother (8) can go stay at gran's. She doesn't want to sleep in gran's double bed with her siblings and says she can look after our cat this way too but accepts that cooking while at home alone would be off the table so could eat a hot dinner at her gran's house then leave.

Now, with anyone else's kid it would be an immediate and obvious hell no, too young, however, DD has consistently proven herself to be mature, sensible and very independent so I'm actually considering saying okay! I just don't know. Am I crazy?

She gets herself up in a morning. Refuses (politely) all offers of a lift to school and has never been late, sorts her own breakfast and lunch, organises her own uniform and PE kit, (DH and I still do the laundry but once washed and dried the kids deal with their own), she never stays up too late and goes to be without any prompting, I haven't needed to wake her up for school in a good 6 years now, she happily 'babysits' (it's not really required as the younger kids don't need watched) her siblings and even cooks them a lunch if we're out a while, and is generally just a really good and mature young lady. Far more so than I ever was or am now

If anything, I often feel a bit sorry for her because she's that "grown up" I wonder what she's missing out on. I'm as daft as a brush and quite frankly, never half as serious as my girl is.

I appreciate there's people from all different places on MN but for us so will have a completely different perspective of dangers, but for us, we are in a quiet village where people don't lock doors when home during the day so physical safety from others isn't a huge concern. I know she would be more than fine (especially considering our neighbours/friends) are right here 24/7) but it's just not sitting right with me. I cannot think of any reason at all to say no except for the fact she's 14.

What would you do?

She is too young. Your dad is dying (sorry to hear this) and this isn’t about her right now. Tell her to do as she is asked.

I would leave her

How far is the grandparent? Could the gran not go and stay in your bedroom so the kids can sleep in their normal bedrooms?

14 is not to young could a neighbour keep an eye on her

I think you'll worry too much about her being on her own.

Could she sleep on the couch at her Gran's instead of sharing the bed? Or stay at a friend's?

Why can't your MIL stay at your house with thr children?

I would let her, she sounds capable and help is nearby

I wouldn’t, for a number of reasons.
The first is safety, what if there was an emergency in the evening/night? An intruder or a fire. Even walking from her gran’s house after dinner wouls be in the dark at this time of year.

My second major reason is that it will play on your mind and add an extra layer of stress to your life at a very difficult time. Even if she is sensible, you will still worry. You need the headspace to focus on your own grief.

Also, she is 14. Far too young emotionally despite being sensible.

Your daughter’s reasons for wanting to stay home are not significant enough to warrant the risk and stress imo. She can sleep on a camp bed at her gran’s house for a couple of nights. It’s the least she can do to support you.

I stayed home alone all of the time at 14, it was totally normal for me. I would sometimes also go to sleepovers at my friend’s house while her parents went away for the weekend. It really wasn’t a big deal and nothing untoward happened or really would happen. She’s 14, not 4. I can’t really see what could go wrong.

I think 14 is old enough, since she’s sensible. Make sure you calls her grandmother to say she is home safely and locked in when she goes home after dinner. Although TBH at 14 I was quite capable of making my own dinner anyway.

Your MIL is also only 2 streets away and I’m sure your DD has a phone so if she gets worried at all she can contact her Gran who will be at your house in minutes.

I think 14 is not too young to be without an adult for one night, but being alone is very different (e.g. if there were two 14 year olds, I think it would be fine, just for one night.)

The thing that is putting me off is cooking being a no-no. If you can't trust her to use the microwave and/or bung a ready-meal in the oven or heat up a pan of beans, you can't trust her in the house overnight.

I wouldn’t. She thinks she’s mature and acts it on simple situations.

That’s very different to if someone breaks in during the night, or if she has an accident and can’t seek help.

Agree with the others. However mature she is (she sounds wonderful compared to my dd!) she's too young to be alone all night. Could gran move into yours while youre away?
Sorry about your dad

Not a chance I would leave a 14 year old overnight on their own.

MIL comes to you so the kids are in their own bed

I actually think this request tells me all I need to know about her maturity: a mature person wouldn’t ask this. They would just pop along to gran’s and share the bed while their mum focused on her grief.

@justicedanceson

How far is the grandparent? Could the gran not go and stay in your bedroom so the kids can sleep in their normal bedrooms?

MIL is two streets away. We're at the top of our street so it's less than 350 yards walk to MIL's.

MIL won't stay here. She is very set in her ways so doesn't even visit. We have to go to her.

She sounds like a lovely girl, but as a parent I think I would be too worried about her. It's a different ball game to be completely alone overnight, however near help might be.
I think I would say it would be great for her to go home, feed the cat, do homework etc, but sleep at Granny's. Camp on the floor if she doesn't want to share the bed?

At 14, my parents would have left me. They wouldn't have left my brother. Also, a child who has just turn 14 is slightly different to a girl who is just about to turn 15, if you see what I mean. If she turned 14 in September, maybe not, 14 turning 15 in December, probably.

Could gran come and stay with them all at your house?

I'd be cautious. My DD is 15 and probably would be fine but I would worry about something happening: a fire for example, or just something happening which scared her. I know these are unlikely, but...

Agree with PP. She’s wanting to stay home alone When she knows you’re going through a hard time. Absolutely not the mark of a mature girl, and that’s not wrong, she’s a child, she’s not meant to be mature yet.

Fourteen is far too young for her to be left unsupervised. She can’t cook, she’s going to be walking home in the dark, your mil refuses to come to your house so if someone breaks in who realises that there’s a young girl staying alone MIL won’t be there to help out.

And how trustworthy do you really think she is? Would she e.g. invite friends over for a party?

The answer would be no, and I would tell her to do as she’s told.

Or alternatively you go on your own and dh stays home with the kids.

@TechnoDino

I wouldn’t, for a number of reasons. The first is safety, what if there was an emergency in the evening/night? An intruder or a fire. Even walking from her gran’s house after dinner wouls be in the dark at this time of year.

My second major reason is that it will play on your mind and add an extra layer of stress to your life at a very difficult time. Even if she is sensible, you will still worry. You need the headspace to focus on your own grief.

Also, she is 14. Far too young emotionally despite being sensible.

Your daughter’s reasons for wanting to stay home are not significant enough to warrant the risk and stress imo. She can sleep on a camp bed at her gran’s house for a couple of nights. It’s the least she can do to support you.

Thanks so much for the reply.

To address a couple of points, DD being out in the dark at this time of the year isn't an issue. She would be out in darkness just seeing her friends anyway, as are many village teens and even much younger children although lockdown has reduced the numbers and DD has little interest in being out in the cold now.

Also added stress for me isn't something I am concerned about as I wouldn't be fearing for her. I know she would be fine. It's just the idea of allowing her to sleep alone feels odd.

Like a PP I too slept regularly alone at 14 and I don't think anyone bothered back then. Granted that's a few decades ago now

No, I wouldn't. I would worry about her possibly being scared on her own during the night.