To consider letting DD stay alone overnight?

[DreadingSeason2020sFinale]

Sorry, may be long.

My dad is dying. He lives at the other end of the country so when the time comes, DH and I will need to go there for a couple of days for the funeral.
MIL lives two streets away in our small, quiet village.
DD who is 14 years old wants to sleep in the house at night on her own with the cat, and her sister (11) and brother (8) can go stay at gran's. She doesn't want to sleep in gran's double bed with her siblings and says she can look after our cat this way too but accepts that cooking while at home alone would be off the table so could eat a hot dinner at her gran's house then leave.

Now, with anyone else's kid it would be an immediate and obvious hell no, too young, however, DD has consistently proven herself to be mature, sensible and very independent so I'm actually considering saying okay! I just don't know. Am I crazy?

She gets herself up in a morning. Refuses (politely) all offers of a lift to school and has never been late, sorts her own breakfast and lunch, organises her own uniform and PE kit, (DH and I still do the laundry but once washed and dried the kids deal with their own), she never stays up too late and goes to be without any prompting, I haven't needed to wake her up for school in a good 6 years now, she happily 'babysits' (it's not really required as the younger kids don't need watched) her siblings and even cooks them a lunch if we're out a while, and is generally just a really good and mature young lady. Far more so than I ever was or am now

If anything, I often feel a bit sorry for her because she's that "grown up" I wonder what she's missing out on. I'm as daft as a brush and quite frankly, never half as serious as my girl is.

I appreciate there's people from all different places on MN but for us so will have a completely different perspective of dangers, but for us, we are in a quiet village where people don't lock doors when home during the day so physical safety from others isn't a huge concern. I know she would be more than fine (especially considering our neighbours/friends) are right here 24/7) but it's just not sitting right with me. I cannot think of any reason at all to say no except for the fact she's 14.

What would you do?

Chances are absolutely nothing will happen, but you need to think about the future, so if she wants to do something that perhaps you'd be uncomfortable with her doing, will she say, 'Oh but you let me stay on my own when it suited you...' or something teenager similar?

Of course it's an extraordinary situation, but would she be able to call someone if she thought she heard something at night or was scared?

Sorry, for those asking, DD wouldn't really want to come to the funeral nor be too badly grieving to be left home. Due to the distance, my DC don't know their grandad very well at all. They'll be sad of course, but thankfully I guess, only in the way of losing a family friend or a neighbour. I have made them far more upset by having to sneak away to sob after every phone call about dad.

Also, if it's a weekday funeral (no one knows what the hell is happening with this bloody pandemic) she won't be okay with missing any school if it can be helped. She is a very diligent pupil with full attendance.

Lastly, she doesn't travel well so a 5 hour journey and another 5 hour back would be unpleasant for her.

If her Grandma is happy being the 'on call' adult in this situation, and she is as sensible and happy with the idea as she sounds, then yeah.

They do have to learn to cope alone at some point!

@flaviaritt

And it’s not just one night, either, it’s several.

It might be two nights. No longer.

And that wouldn't be 48 hours completely alone. She'd be in school or at gran's etc.

Wow. We really baby teenagers these days. How is it even a question that she's not old enough? I babysat my baby cousin overnight at 15. And how is a 14 year not able to cook dinner? I was perfectly capable of planning a meal, buying any missing ingredients and cooking it at younger than that.

As DD is so sensible and reliable, could she stay with your mum even tho she's had a hip operation?
She could be helpful to your mum.

Does the cat really need fed 3 times a day?

@justicedanceson

How far is the grandparent? Could the gran not go and stay in your bedroom so the kids can sleep in their normal bedrooms?

MIL is 2 streets away...she could come to yours and stay in your room while the kids are all in their rooms surely?

My mum is in the next village. If DD was to go there it could only be a weekend, not week day as she wouldn't be able to get to school. Or the shop. Or anywhere else as my mum is on a farm well out the way.

@SengaMac

Does the cat really need fed 3 times a day?

Nope. She's just an absolute arse of a slave driver who likes to be let in and out all the time. (No cat flap and doesn't like a litter tray, just our garden) 😂

In the unlikely event any of those things happened, the teen's fil and mil are 350 metres away fhs! So she does have two adults protecting her!

Erm. No.

NSPCC and Gov guidelines say children under 16 should not be left alone over night.
Your MIL would be useless in a crisis if she wont go to your house!
I'd insist she stays at MIL's. You'd never forgive yourself if something happened.

It might be two nights. No longer.

Right, but no, I wouldn’t leave a 14 year old alone for 48 hours. I think we are all inclined to believe our teenagers are mature, but once they have a bit of leeway they have an alarming propensity to do some very daft things, because they’ve never been in the situations we are so used to. Anyway, hope you make a decision you are comfortable with.

When I was 14 my parents left me alone overnight for the first time. It was summer and l went to bed leaving a downstairs window open. Luckily I remembered just before I fell asleep and went down to close it. I very nearly didn't bother.

The next day the police turned up at the door. I thought they were going to tell me my family had been in accident. They actually told me that next door had been burgled and the burglar had gone into all the back gardens on the street checking for ways to get in. They didn't question why I was home alone for some reason.

It freaked me out for a very long time. So my advice is no, she's too young.

I would in your situation. Sounds like she'll be fine with the plan to go to her grans for dinner.

@SpaceOP

OP, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what we all think. You need to decide if your DD is responsible enough. It seems the ONLY reason you are thinking not to, is some idea that the age is too young.

But there are people on MN who have never allowed their 16 year olds to be in the house alone for so much as an hour and others who have had their kids out playing independently from 5. It's a decision that has to be taken by each family independently.

In year 6 at DS' school, the children are allowed to walk to and from, if they have written parental permission. At this point, I feel confident that within DS' circle of friends, he will be the only one doing this. It's allowed, even encouraged, but none of his friends' families are likely to be comfortable with it. That won't stop me from allowing him. He's perfectly capable of walking to school, is very keen to do so, and I see no reason to curtail his independence because other families think that 10 is too young.

Thank you. I do agree with this.

I do know my kid. I was left much younger and babysat others too. She knows what to do in an emergency, which is obviously, to call her gran or knock on our neighbour's door. (Our neighbours are good friends)

You might be surprised to hear that our village primary school doesn't require any parental permission for children to walk home unattended, though they do make sure an adult is there for a P1 child (in England that would be Reception class!). There are a number of children who normally walk home either alone or with a friend as young as 6 or 7. It's quite usual for here. That took some getting used to for me as seeing children that young alone was quite odd from where I was raised (big town).

Too young . If she's so mature, why would a microwave meal not be ok? Granny could sleep at yours . Also re the not locking doors & safe village stuff, that's naive. I grew up in a nice rural village, next door were burgled & & one village over a guy climbed the massive VIctorian garden wall ,entered thru an unlocked door & raped a woman whose husband was away on business.

Do you have an adult female friend who could stay overnight with her?

CSIblonde

Well, yeah. All she has to do is tell one (chatty) mate that she’s alone for two nights and someone could break in to grab iPads or house keys or whatever. It’s just not worth it.

@CSIblonde as I've said, the no cooking thing was mentioned as an extra layer of caution and risk reduction. I don't actually care if she cooks because she's perfectly capable. But for the sake of two nights she could eat with her gran and DD could actually socialise a bit with other related humans (she rarely visits the ILs)

You might be surprised to hear that our village primary school doesn't require any parental permission for children to walk home unattended, though they do make sure an adult is there for a P1 child (in England that would be Reception class!). There are a number of children who normally walk home either alone or with a friend as young as 6 or 7. It's quite usual for here. That took some getting used to for me as seeing children that young alone was quite odd from where I was raised (big town).

Are you in a different country? I have extended family in various parts of Europe and when one moved to a new country, to a relatively small village, she was nicely but firmly told by the school that she cannot walk her 5 year old to school and he must come by himself!

This thread made me think so I've posted a thread asking what's normal for primary children. Our school only allows independent walking at year 6. The other local primary school allows it from at least year 5 (but the parents do need to sign a written form at the beginning of the year). I have a good sense of what DS' school friends will be doing but trying to figure out if that' normal overall or not. Purely out of interest.

Just Scotland. 🤷‍♀️

I'm sorry to hear that you have lost your dad.

Two grandmothers nearby but not prepared to spend 2 nights with the grandchildren?

14 is too young to be alone for 2 nights irrespective of how sensible she is.

There are too many "I did it and it didn't kill me" on this thread. It's also against safe guidelines. Time for her to learn a mature lesson in it's not always about her (especially under the circumstances).

When I was 14 I used to babysit for a toddler. Her mum used to go clubbing until 3 or 4am, so I used to stay over.

it wasn't a whole night, but at least half a night, and I was fully responsible for a toddler....

I vote yes, let her.

@flaviaritt

CSIblonde

Well, yeah. All she has to do is tell one (chatty) mate that she’s alone for two nights and someone could break in to grab iPads or house keys or whatever. It’s just not worth it.

Or a bunch of local (or not so local) cool kids barge in for an instant party.

And don't pander to the cat so much - ask the neighbours to feed it for a couple of days, or put it in a cattery.