To consider letting DD stay alone overnight?

[DreadingSeason2020sFinale]

Sorry, may be long.

My dad is dying. He lives at the other end of the country so when the time comes, DH and I will need to go there for a couple of days for the funeral.
MIL lives two streets away in our small, quiet village.
DD who is 14 years old wants to sleep in the house at night on her own with the cat, and her sister (11) and brother (8) can go stay at gran's. She doesn't want to sleep in gran's double bed with her siblings and says she can look after our cat this way too but accepts that cooking while at home alone would be off the table so could eat a hot dinner at her gran's house then leave.

Now, with anyone else's kid it would be an immediate and obvious hell no, too young, however, DD has consistently proven herself to be mature, sensible and very independent so I'm actually considering saying okay! I just don't know. Am I crazy?

She gets herself up in a morning. Refuses (politely) all offers of a lift to school and has never been late, sorts her own breakfast and lunch, organises her own uniform and PE kit, (DH and I still do the laundry but once washed and dried the kids deal with their own), she never stays up too late and goes to be without any prompting, I haven't needed to wake her up for school in a good 6 years now, she happily 'babysits' (it's not really required as the younger kids don't need watched) her siblings and even cooks them a lunch if we're out a while, and is generally just a really good and mature young lady. Far more so than I ever was or am now

If anything, I often feel a bit sorry for her because she's that "grown up" I wonder what she's missing out on. I'm as daft as a brush and quite frankly, never half as serious as my girl is.

I appreciate there's people from all different places on MN but for us so will have a completely different perspective of dangers, but for us, we are in a quiet village where people don't lock doors when home during the day so physical safety from others isn't a huge concern. I know she would be more than fine (especially considering our neighbours/friends) are right here 24/7) but it's just not sitting right with me. I cannot think of any reason at all to say no except for the fact she's 14.

What would you do?

Normally I'd say no but it sounds potentially ok. I can't believe I am saying that and I almost certainly wouldn't do it in your position, but it does seem low risk. Also though if she is nearer 13 than 15 I wouldn't advise it.

I would insist on some things though, one that if you don't feel comfortable with it she stays at her gran's without resistance...any sign of resistance to that and I wouldn't let her stay at home alone. Two, she has a set up re beds etc where she can stay at her gran's if at the last minute she wants to.

I also would say that FIL or MIL walks her home and goes in to get her a bit settled and so on for the night. She doesn't walk home alone and let herself in for the night.

If it is causing you stress, just say no.

I (think I've) read the whole thread. If MIL won't stay over at yours with all the DC, what about asking FIL?

I'd leave her happily, she's proven she's mature beyond her years and her gran isn't far away. Just make sure the door gets locked each time she comes in the house, not just at night and you've got working smoke alarms and I think it will be fine.

GOOSEFOOT

No, I dont think its bizarre- yes, 16yr olds are considered adult in many ways, including being able to decide to leave the family home, marry, make informed decisions about intimacy etc.. but we are not talking about 16 yr old here, this thread is about a 14 yr old

In my opinion a parent should be guiding their child up to this point (16yrs) throughout their teen years, gradually having the teen assume independence, responsibility and decision making at a pace they are competent and confident to do so

• but all guidelines based on research and knowledge far superior to mine indicate that UNDER 16's are not ready to be left home alone overnight. And this is what I follow in my line of work, alongside my colleagues in CAVA (Police safeguarding unit)

ShrodingersImmigrant

Under 16's CAN be left FOR A FEW HOURS- safety plan and emergency contact arrangements in place should be age,competency and confidence appropriate

NSPCC site (amongst others) have guidance on this

AuditAngel

My 'sources' are my LA practice guidance, policies and procedures, Working Together to Safeguard Children, (2018) and my post-grad education in Safeguarding Children & Young People (2015)

I am NOT purporting to be an expert- just responding to a query on a thread about a topic I have had some experience in - and someone who feels that the guidance we have (and thats all we have, 'guidance') is confusing for parents, which is why, when we get a report of an under 16yr old being left 'home alone', we risk assess it, as described above.

Please dont take me for an apologist for the system, I'm just someone working within it, doing my best

16 is the youngest it's recommended, FOR A REASON.

And it's also not the law. FOR A REASON

I'd be more worried at leaving my smaller children at your MILs if she is so set in her ways she can't stay at yours, 350 yards away, for a couple of nights. What's that all about? is there a PIL? How old is she? if she can't move down the road is she safe to look after the younger ones?

I'd probably leave her, if your PILs are happy and if they can come up with a back up plan for what would happen if your DD did freak out in the middle of the night.

Don't do it, my exh got rushed in hospital when ds was staying at his & left ds home alone to look after the dog, one of the neighbours reported to SS, I got a phone call from a social worker stating that it was illegal to leave a 14 year old home alone overnight & it took 18 months to get them off our backs even though I hadn't done anything wrong, it was exh.

I think it's quite sad we've gotten to the stage where a 14 year old cant sleep overnight in a house next door to friends and just up the road from her gran.

@guffaux, you first mentioned a couple of hours. To think that you can't leave a 15yo and 11 months alone from 8 to 11pm without being concerned that you'll be reported to SS triggering a safeguarding investigation is ridiculous.

@DreadingSeason2020sFinale Is she introverted? Maybe she's looking forward to the chance to be peaceful in her own rather than staying away from home and not having her own space.

Like I've said- I'm just working within the system- I'm not an apologist for it- if we get a report of a child/children left home alone, Police investigate it, we assess the risk alongside them.

but all guidelines based on research and knowledge far superior to mine indicate that UNDER 16's are not ready to be left home alone overnight. And this is what I follow in my line of work, alongside my colleagues in CAVA (Police safeguarding unit)

The OP's individual knowledge of her own teenager's maturity is far more accurate than any generalised research though. And she will also likely know very well whether she has ridiculous neighbours.

I'd leave her alone in the house. She sounds very sensible, and she can always call if she wants company

No, she's too young. The night can be very long for you, worrying about her, and it could be very difficult for her but she hasn't anticipated that.

Nspcc also has there that Children in primary school aged 6-12 are usually too young to walk home from school alone
How more ott can UK get😱

I am also astouned people report 15 year old neighbour child at home alone.

Quite frankly, these are the reasons why parents in UK are totally fucked and many young people are so useless in life they actually have their parents calling to work that they are sick (at 19, yes happened with numerous staff) and I am surprise you are not all fighting back👀

I would be concerned about her getting worried in the middle of the night with no back up. If your MIL won’t stay in your house I assume she also wouldn’t be the type to drive over at 2am to sort her out.

Personally I would get her to stay with a friend, preferably one in her own “class bubble” but needs must in these times.

It depends if she's just 14 or nearly 15. There's quite a big difference in my opinion.

I would probably allow her to have a friend to stay so she's not alone.

Sorry to hear about your father

children in primary school aged 6-12 are usually too young to walk home from school alone

Meanwhile in Switzerland, 4-year olds are considered old enough and you will get a letter home telling you how important it is for their development.

@G5000

children in primary school aged 6-12 are usually too young to walk home from school alone

Meanwhile in Switzerland, 4-year olds are considered old enough and you will get a letter home telling you how important it is for their development.

I had a quick look but couldn't find anything. It would be so interesting to see comparisons of how the children are doing under different regimes like this. What are anxiety levels, self sufficiency, what age do they move out, get employment etc.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Nspcc also has there that Children in primary school aged 6-12 are usually too young to walk home from school alone How more ott can UK get😱

I am also astouned people report 15 year old neighbour child at home alone.

Quite frankly, these are the reasons why parents in UK are totally fucked and many young people are so useless in life they actually have their parents calling to work that they are sick (at 19, yes happened with numerous staff) and I am surprise you are not all fighting back👀

The NSPCC's guideance also states that children over 16 shouldn't be left for lengthy periods. Their guidance is completely out of touch with reality.

I had numerous fights with my DD's school several years ago when they were adamant I wasn't allowed to let them walk to and from school themselves. They threatened all sorts - social services, meetings etc - and I told them to go ahead and look into it. They soon discovered they do not have the authority to prevent a parent allowing their child to walk to and from school.

It's an absolute nonsense that children are expected to manage buses and the likes to secondary school, but have a couple of months experience of walking alone at all in many places.

It's the same with people who send them off to uni having seriously mollycoddled them until then. My DS has a housemate whose parents left him overnight at home once, for experience, for the first time in the summer before he went to uni.

Nspcc guidance list touch with reality years back. Genuinely don’t understand why they’ve adopted this strange position.

It’s safety at the expense of child development.

It's also making young adults and teenagers less safe because when they do have to do things alone they lack experience.