To consider letting DD stay alone overnight?

[DreadingSeason2020sFinale]

Sorry, may be long.

My dad is dying. He lives at the other end of the country so when the time comes, DH and I will need to go there for a couple of days for the funeral.
MIL lives two streets away in our small, quiet village.
DD who is 14 years old wants to sleep in the house at night on her own with the cat, and her sister (11) and brother (8) can go stay at gran's. She doesn't want to sleep in gran's double bed with her siblings and says she can look after our cat this way too but accepts that cooking while at home alone would be off the table so could eat a hot dinner at her gran's house then leave.

Now, with anyone else's kid it would be an immediate and obvious hell no, too young, however, DD has consistently proven herself to be mature, sensible and very independent so I'm actually considering saying okay! I just don't know. Am I crazy?

She gets herself up in a morning. Refuses (politely) all offers of a lift to school and has never been late, sorts her own breakfast and lunch, organises her own uniform and PE kit, (DH and I still do the laundry but once washed and dried the kids deal with their own), she never stays up too late and goes to be without any prompting, I haven't needed to wake her up for school in a good 6 years now, she happily 'babysits' (it's not really required as the younger kids don't need watched) her siblings and even cooks them a lunch if we're out a while, and is generally just a really good and mature young lady. Far more so than I ever was or am now

If anything, I often feel a bit sorry for her because she's that "grown up" I wonder what she's missing out on. I'm as daft as a brush and quite frankly, never half as serious as my girl is.

I appreciate there's people from all different places on MN but for us so will have a completely different perspective of dangers, but for us, we are in a quiet village where people don't lock doors when home during the day so physical safety from others isn't a huge concern. I know she would be more than fine (especially considering our neighbours/friends) are right here 24/7) but it's just not sitting right with me. I cannot think of any reason at all to say no except for the fact she's 14.

What would you do?

If she's sensible as you say then I would let her. Especially if she's going to be the one expected to go back and forth to deal with the cat anyway.

Also if she's sensible enough to be left I wouldn't be insisting on no cooking either. Imo kids that age are either sensible enough or they're not (I'd have left one of my DD's happily, but not the other).

Why can’t DD go with you?

@flaviaritt

Surely in this age of mobile phones she would simply text her grandmother who would nip over to collect her, or they would meet half way.

Leaving the other children alone? If she can’t go from her own house to her grandmother’s on her own, she’s probably not safe to be left overnight on her own, is she?

Mil lives with FIL. The children wouldn't be unattended. And as already stated, it's maybe 350 years walk so even if FIL wasn't there, it would not be an issue.

I would say no because she will have just lost her grandfather and will have her own grief to deal with. Not ideal to be left in those circumstances.

I'm sorry about your dad.

Can she stay at a friend’s house if the MiL is not an option? If the friend is in the same “year group bubble”. I had a very similar situation when I was in year 8 and my sister in year 11. Granny was dying, father abroad on business. Other grandparents not able to help. We stayed overnight on our own but my sister was 15/16 years at that point. I would also have been fine staying overnight on my own but it would have felt a little weird.

And as already stated, it's maybe 350 years walk so even if FIL wasn't there, it would not be an issue.

Well, no, I’m sure it wouldn’t be. But surely if she is actually old enough to be left alone for the night, she is also old enough to walk 350 yards on her own, and wouldn’t need an escort.

I wouldn't leave her alone, as the 'caretaker' adult, which is MIL isn't prepared to come around. So if there was an issue- something caught fire, accident, even that she got upset, in fact she would have to go there and not the other way around.

I don't think now (your dad dying, so sorry) is the time to be experimenting over this.

@flaviaritt

Er, the point is about the adults potentially not wanting her to walk to her grandmother's by herself late at night in a quiet village. Not whether the teen is capable of it, which she very obviously is!

I’m confused. If she is capable of it (and of being alone all night) why wouldn’t they want her to do it? Why would they leave younger kids alone to meet her?

Anyway, I’m in the ‘no’ camp. This sounds like a want rather than a need and although I am sure she’s mature, it just doesn’t need to happen.

There's really nothing confusing about it. It's not because the teen isn't capable of walking that very short distance that they may not want her to do it, it's because of other adults with ill intent who could, in theory, be potentially lurking about. And to be clear that is not my theory, but the reasoning of another poster.

Apologies, I replied to the wrong post. I intended to reply to the PP stating that MIL couldn't meet DD halfway due to having the siblings at hers. MIL would be able to but it would be daft and pointless to. It's 350 yards. In a quiet village DD grew up in and has roamed the streets of since she was much much youngeif she couldn't make it two streets at night, even if spooked I wouldn't be leaving any of my kids even with their grandparents.

It's 350 yards. In a quiet village DD grew up in and has roamed the streets of since she was much much younger. If she couldn't make it two streets at night, even if spooked I wouldn't be leaving any of my kids even with their grandparents.

Well, yes, that’s what I’m saying.

It's not because the teen isn't capable of walking that very short distance that they may not want her to do it, it's because of other adults with ill intent who could, in theory, be potentially lurking about.

But it’s the same logic against leaving her in the house. It’s not that she isn’t capable of being alone. It’s ‘what would happen if someone had malicious intentions?’ So, what if the house was burgled? What if someone found out she was alone and targeted her? These are unlikely events but at 14 she should still have an adult to protect her in the event something unlikely happened, IMO.

@cologne4711

MIL won't stay here. She is very set in her ways so doesn't even visit. We have to go to her

That's won't.

Why can't she?

She 'can't' because her stubbornness won't let her. I like MIL just fine but she is very, very set in her ways. The kids (one, two or all three) have only stayed at their house maybe 4 times TOTAL since the first was born. We're lucky she offered to have them at all for when it happens. My own DM can't as she had a hip replaced last week.

Oh I give up! Fwiw I was responding to this poster:

She might even just decide she hates it when it starts to get dark and the silence is deafening, then if she stays it might get really late and she might decide to head for her nannas really late at night

Never mind.

I hope you find a solution that works for you op.

I'd leave her. You seem to trust her. Make sure she knows what to do in regards to people knocking on the door or hanging about in the garden. Make sure she knows about safely using an oven and no metal in a microwave. What to do in the event of a fire. And if she decides she doesn't like it she can always ring MIL to go there.
In 2 years she can have a baby and her own home, I think she can handle a night alone.

Could DD stay with your Mum, she could be useful! and perhaps would have a bed to herself?

I would leave her at home. It's fine

In 2 years she can have a baby and her own home,

She can have a baby now. Not sure I’d recommend it, though.

You know your daughter, sounds like she’ll be fine, and MIL is really close.

OP, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what we all think. You need to decide if your DD is responsible enough. It seems the ONLY reason you are thinking not to, is some idea that the age is too young.

But there are people on MN who have never allowed their 16 year olds to be in the house alone for so much as an hour and others who have had their kids out playing independently from 5. It's a decision that has to be taken by each family independently.

In year 6 at DS' school, the children are allowed to walk to and from, if they have written parental permission. At this point, I feel confident that within DS' circle of friends, he will be the only one doing this. It's allowed, even encouraged, but none of his friends' families are likely to be comfortable with it. That won't stop me from allowing him. He's perfectly capable of walking to school, is very keen to do so, and I see no reason to curtail his independence because other families think that 10 is too young.

The NSPCC recommends that children under 16 should not be left along overnight. Obviously that’s guidance, not law. But Considering you’ll be away for several days/nights, it’s what I’d go with.

www.nspcc.org.uk/about-us/news-opinion/2019/parent-guide-home-alone2/

I wouldn't let my very mature and capable 15yo and we babysat overnight "back in the day". It isn't about not trusting the child, its more about her being put in a position to make decisions if something major happens. A few hours, yes. Overnight no.

Be fine by me. I stayed alone for a week at 15. I was mature and had been very independent for years. You know her best

And it’s not just one night, either, it’s several.

DEFINITELY NOT. She's too young.

@flaviaritt

It's not because the teen isn't capable of walking that very short distance that they may not want her to do it, it's because of other adults with ill intent who could, in theory, be potentially lurking about.

But it’s the same logic against leaving her in the house. It’s not that she isn’t capable of being alone. It’s ‘what would happen if someone had malicious intentions?’ So, what if the house was burgled? What if someone found out she was alone and targeted her? These are unlikely events but at 14 she should still have an adult to protect her in the event something unlikely happened, IMO.

In the unlikely event any of those things happened, the teen's fil and mil are 350 metres away fhs! So she does have two adults protecting her!

flaviarrit you seem to have a strong appetite for back and forth debate. And perhaps deliberately misunderstanding... or something. I don't , and I am sure it is not helping the op in her current circumstances, so I am stepping away from the thread now.