To consider letting DD stay alone overnight?

[DreadingSeason2020sFinale]

Sorry, may be long.

My dad is dying. He lives at the other end of the country so when the time comes, DH and I will need to go there for a couple of days for the funeral.
MIL lives two streets away in our small, quiet village.
DD who is 14 years old wants to sleep in the house at night on her own with the cat, and her sister (11) and brother (8) can go stay at gran's. She doesn't want to sleep in gran's double bed with her siblings and says she can look after our cat this way too but accepts that cooking while at home alone would be off the table so could eat a hot dinner at her gran's house then leave.

Now, with anyone else's kid it would be an immediate and obvious hell no, too young, however, DD has consistently proven herself to be mature, sensible and very independent so I'm actually considering saying okay! I just don't know. Am I crazy?

She gets herself up in a morning. Refuses (politely) all offers of a lift to school and has never been late, sorts her own breakfast and lunch, organises her own uniform and PE kit, (DH and I still do the laundry but once washed and dried the kids deal with their own), she never stays up too late and goes to be without any prompting, I haven't needed to wake her up for school in a good 6 years now, she happily 'babysits' (it's not really required as the younger kids don't need watched) her siblings and even cooks them a lunch if we're out a while, and is generally just a really good and mature young lady. Far more so than I ever was or am now

If anything, I often feel a bit sorry for her because she's that "grown up" I wonder what she's missing out on. I'm as daft as a brush and quite frankly, never half as serious as my girl is.

I appreciate there's people from all different places on MN but for us so will have a completely different perspective of dangers, but for us, we are in a quiet village where people don't lock doors when home during the day so physical safety from others isn't a huge concern. I know she would be more than fine (especially considering our neighbours/friends) are right here 24/7) but it's just not sitting right with me. I cannot think of any reason at all to say no except for the fact she's 14.

What would you do?

I'd leave her.

When I was 15 (2005, so not a million years ago!) my parents left me for three nights while they went to visit family. I didn't want to go so they trusted me to be sensible. It was absolutely fine - in fact, I loved it!

They could NOT have left my brother at that age. He was scatterbrained and would have burned the house down.

You know your DD and it sounds like she'll be fine for one night, especially as her granny is so close by.

I'd come on here to say let her stay, I had my own house at 16 and I wasn't a mature, sensible child, but...

My daughter is 12, sounds very much like yours. Mature, sensible, organised, but occasionally does the odd, daft thing that we'd NEVER have thought to prewarn her about (absent mindedly sucked a glass against her bottom lip/chin while engrossed in a tv show and didn't even realise she had a livid red mark - I thought she'd taken an allergic reaction to something at first, 'rearranged' her room and trapped herself helplessly in a corner)

There are always situations you haven't prepared for that can happen out of nowhere - and always at the worst possible time. Even if not life-threatening, something could frighten her, or shake her confidence and maturity to the core. Better to stay at your MIL.

Sorry about your Dad.

An odd night alone, sensible child, with support nearby? Yes. Far less stressful for everyone.

I would have left me, and both my teen daughter's. My brother, no way. Dd's lovely but vacant friend, no. These are unusual times, we just have to go with it and make decisions weighing up the circumstances.
Best wishes

@HedgehogintheFog

I think 14 is not too young to be without an adult for one night, but being alone is very different (e.g. if there were two 14 year olds, I think it would be fine, just for one night.)

The thing that is putting me off is cooking being a no-no. If you can't trust her to use the microwave and/or bung a ready-meal in the oven or heat up a pan of beans, you can't trust her in the house overnight.

Oh no, I completely trust her to be safe cooking anything. She's perfectly able to whip up a decent meal. I was just thinking of risk minimising if I do say okay.

It sounds an ideal arrangement. Any problems she can still get help from her gran, and if she does realise on the first night that it's scary being in a house on your own, then she can change her mind and stay at grans with the others. I think either of mine would have been ok for a night or two at 14, with light touch supervision from a short distance as you describe.

Come to think of it, I was 14 when my younger sister and I had to be put on a plane to another city, get ourselves to booked accommodation and look after ourselves at a music conference for 2 or 3 days till our parents got there. (relatives insisted on visiting from overseas despite being told we would be away)

I'm sorry about your dad.

I wouldn't leave a 14 yo overnight. We were burgled recently and I would not like to think of my teenagers being disturbed, having to call 999 and having to deal with the police that came out.

I think it’s fine, she sounds very mature and sensible and it’s one night with grandma two streets away and I presume a phone. She could be legally living alone in a couple of years. You know your child better than we do.

Maybe she’d like to attend the funeral with you? Whilst obviously being outside the rules, could she have a friend to stay overnight if she stays? Or buy a decent blow up bed for her to sleep on at MIL’s.

I think I’d worry about her if I left her completely alone all night and you can do without that when you are at a parent’s funeral.

Sorry about your Dad.

We had similar situation when my dad was in a hospital. I was little bit younger than yours and left alone, no problem. My mum spoke to the neigbours and I knew I can go for help. My young brother was with DGM.
As long as she is mature for it and ok with it, absolutely leave her.

Sorry about your dad.

I would allow her considering her grandmother is so close.

I would leave her. A mature 14 year old should be fine alone and can always change her mind and go to her granny's if she needs to. I think the risks are minimal and someone that age who is mature would be able to respond as appropriately as an immature 16 year old, frankly.

@mylittleyumyum I'd come on here to say let her stay, I had my own house at 16 and I wasn't a mature, sensible child, but...

Same. I had a two bed terrace to myself at 16. I'd been working since before it was legal and still worked to pay my own (albeit cheaper than market) rent. It's probably colouring my view on what I should do. I cannot think of a strong reason to say no.

I have no issue with DD asking. She's not kicking off about going to gran's or anything, she just thinks staying home makes more sense than shared bed or sofa sleeping. If I say no, she will still be coming to and from our house morning afternoon and night letting the cat in and out and feeding her etc. But she definitely won't be mad about me saying no to her suggestion.

Sorry to hear about your dad, OP.

I think you know her best, 14 is old enough to sleep there alone if she wants - but as we all know some 14 year olds are more capable of being left alone than others.

I think you are are her parent and know her best so I see no reason why, if you think she's responsible, you shouldn't leave her. I do think that if you trust her to sleep at home alone, you should trust her to be able to prepare a meal. However, like you I would insist she has dinner with her siblings and grandmother, as a social thing and to check in as much as anything rather than because Id' be worried about her cooking her own food. Your MIL can then better guage if she's genuinely okay etc.

I also think it's perfectly legitimate to insist that she texts you first thing in the morning to say she's okay/ calls her grandmother when she gets home after dinner etc. If she'll be going to school while your'e gone, ditto, she should text you when she's home from school etc (obviously, she could lie to you, but a) that seems unlikely and b) it's more about making sure she's alive and well than keeping track of her).

In other words, all the usual checks that would normally be done in person, need to continue - if she's home at a certain time normally, that still needs to happen. if she has to let you know if she's staying late at school, that still has to happen. Etc.

Actually I’d leave this call to your mother in law. You’re going to be far away, she’s going to be the default adult in an emergency. How does she feel about it, considering she’d be the one picking up the pieces on an immediate basis if anything did go wrong? Very unfair position to put her in, being responsible for a child not under her roof.

@MoiraNotRuby

I'm sorry about your dad.

I wouldn't leave a 14 yo overnight. We were burgled recently and I would not like to think of my teenagers being disturbed, having to call 999 and having to deal with the police that came out.

That's awful for you but you can't live your life in fear either about stuff like that happening, that could happen to a 16 or an 18 year old too but it would be silly to not allow them to stay in the house alone

@SilenceOfThePrams

Actually I’d leave this call to your mother in law. You’re going to be far away, she’s going to be the default adult in an emergency. How does she feel about it, considering she’d be the one picking up the pieces on an immediate basis if anything did go wrong? Very unfair position to put her in, being responsible for a child not under her roof.

That's a good point to be fair.

My Mum was travelling into central London and back as well as working a full day at 14 - and this was during the blitz.

I was left at 14 for odd nights when both DM and my stepdad were working away. I was fine and actually quite enjoyed it as she left me a choice of M&S ready meals and I had control of the TV remote. By 15 it would sometimes be 2 nights.
MIL just around the corner makes it even less of a problem. Although as it's the first time, I think going to MILs for dinner is a good idea as the nights drawing in make for a very long dark evening on your own.

I wouldn't. It's not because she is likely to mess up, or that anything is likely to go wrong, it's that if by some awful chance something did go wrong, she is 14 and too young to manage it. Additionally I would be so anxious that I would be unable to stop worrying about her.

I would have been capable at 14. Is it an option for MIL to stay in your home? Has DD a pal who can stay with her for comfort the night is noisy when you're alone.

Sorry to hear about your Dad.

I'm sorry about your dad.
Could mil not stay at your house? It might bring your daughter more comfort in a crappy time to be in her own space and environment. If my child was asking to stay at home I would find a way to make that happen for her.