To consider letting DD stay alone overnight?

[DreadingSeason2020sFinale]

Sorry, may be long.

My dad is dying. He lives at the other end of the country so when the time comes, DH and I will need to go there for a couple of days for the funeral.
MIL lives two streets away in our small, quiet village.
DD who is 14 years old wants to sleep in the house at night on her own with the cat, and her sister (11) and brother (8) can go stay at gran's. She doesn't want to sleep in gran's double bed with her siblings and says she can look after our cat this way too but accepts that cooking while at home alone would be off the table so could eat a hot dinner at her gran's house then leave.

Now, with anyone else's kid it would be an immediate and obvious hell no, too young, however, DD has consistently proven herself to be mature, sensible and very independent so I'm actually considering saying okay! I just don't know. Am I crazy?

She gets herself up in a morning. Refuses (politely) all offers of a lift to school and has never been late, sorts her own breakfast and lunch, organises her own uniform and PE kit, (DH and I still do the laundry but once washed and dried the kids deal with their own), she never stays up too late and goes to be without any prompting, I haven't needed to wake her up for school in a good 6 years now, she happily 'babysits' (it's not really required as the younger kids don't need watched) her siblings and even cooks them a lunch if we're out a while, and is generally just a really good and mature young lady. Far more so than I ever was or am now

If anything, I often feel a bit sorry for her because she's that "grown up" I wonder what she's missing out on. I'm as daft as a brush and quite frankly, never half as serious as my girl is.

I appreciate there's people from all different places on MN but for us so will have a completely different perspective of dangers, but for us, we are in a quiet village where people don't lock doors when home during the day so physical safety from others isn't a huge concern. I know she would be more than fine (especially considering our neighbours/friends) are right here 24/7) but it's just not sitting right with me. I cannot think of any reason at all to say no except for the fact she's 14.

What would you do?

Surely in this age of mobile phones she would simply text her grandmother who would nip over to collect her, or they would meet half way.

Leaving the other children alone? If she can’t go from her own house to her grandmother’s on her own, she’s probably not safe to be left overnight on her own, is she?

I'd leave her. And I wouldn't insist on rules about no cooking either. My 12 year old regularly cooks meals, it wouldn't occur to me to say that she couldn't. To my mind staying at home alone means carrying on their normal life, just without anyone else in the house. If they can't be trusted to carry on their normal life without you then they aren't old enough to be left alone IMO.

I was left around that age and it was completely fine. I would leave a mature and sensible 14 very comfortably, as long as there's someone nearby she could call in an emergency.

My only worry would be whether you will be able to focus on the funeral or whether you'll be worrying about her.

Someone else suggested that your MIL come and stay in your house so the DC can stay in their usual rooms. I think that's the ideal solution, and given that you're going through something so hard right now I would be very surprised if she refused that request.

I do feel very sympathetic to your DD not wanting to share a bed with her grandmother at 14. I adored my granny but I still wouldn't have wanted to bed share.

I think I'd let her from what you say.

Does she have an equally sensible friend, who is in her school bubble, who could stay too?

Leaving the other children alone? If she can’t go from her own house to her grandmother’s on her own, she’s probably not safe to be left overnight on her own, is she?

Oh dear. I was responding to another poster who said that the dd might get scared and walk to her grandmother's late at night when it wasn't safe.

The mil lives two streets away and the other DC are eleven and eight so yes I am pretty sure it would be fine for the grandmother to leave them alone for five mins to meet the dd half way should that occasion arise. I am also pretty sure the teen would be capable of walking there herself too!

I wouldn't. Just before lockdown1, my BIL got married and ds (17) wasn't invited, so we left him at home overnight. All fine.

BUT about 10 days later, just after lockdown started, we had a water leak. Fortunately we were all home and were able to deal quickly and I had details to call a plumber. Had we been away at that point, ds would not have known what to do or who to call and a ceiling might have come down.

It's not about fires or burglaries, though they can happen. Just things suddenly going wrong.

And even if you make a comprehensive list, the thing you didn't think of will happen.

I suppose her grandmother is close by, but even so. I wouldn't be keen. Why can't she stay in your house?

Op I forgot to say, I'm really sorry your DF is so seriously ill.

In theory yes but I've listened to way too many true crime podcasts to say yes myself.

Unless I've missed it most sensible solution is to have some spare bed sheets handy and ask MIL to stay with all DC while you're gone.

I think she's too young. Maybe some 14 year olds would be ok with it, but many wouldn't so I would err on the side of caution and say no.

MIL won't stay here. She is very set in her ways so doesn't even visit. We have to go to her

That's won't.

Why can't she?

I would let her stay. I stayed on my own, and each of my 3 kids stayed on their own at that age. I really don't see a problem with it, and have never had problems when leaving my own children.

I think independence and self reliance are so important.

Mine's a similarly sensible and independent 14, and an only child, so we could easily have a similar dilemma. I think I'd be seeing whether one of her friends could come and stay over. As far as rules go, you could perhaps claim it as in lieu of childcare - and since they'll be together at school anyway, and everyone else will be out of the house, fairly minimal covid-spread-risk. I presume her going to stay with a friend would be allowable as childcare (but more risky as she would encounter other member of their household).

NSPCC are very clear :

'Children under 16 years old shouldn't be left alone overnight. Over 16 year olds shouldn't be left alone frequently for long periods of time'

So it is a definite no from me.

She is years away from having the maturity to deal with an emergency/burglary on her own. You have enough to worry about, send her to Granny's it is not the end of the world, you need to focus on DF not be stressing about dd

I am also pretty sure the teen would be capable of walking there herself too!

You’d hope so, if her mum is leaving her alone for the night.

Those asking why the grandmother can’t stay overnight, it’s hardly the issue. She doesn’t have to have the kids at all.

I think it's fine to leave her

At 14 and sensible, fine. At that age (I'm 35 now) I would often have cooked the dinner. There are people on here who seem to thing young people magically mature over night age 18 (or older), and cannot do anything without parental supervision before that. Its mad, this is a 14 year old, not a 6 year old.

She sounds perfectly capable - and why on earth wouldn't she cook herself a meal? I shouldn't think she's planning chips in a deep-fat fryer.

Tbh, my main concern would be her grieving for her grandfather alone in the house at night.

At that age i would have been fine overnight alone, and so would most 14yr old girls i know, but this isn't you going away for a night in a hotel, tbis is you going to a funeral because someone she loves has died. I'd be very concerned about how miserable her night all alone could get.

Oh and my sibling had to deal with a burglary at this age. Got home from school to find it - parents away at work some drive away. Sibling got police over etc. A 14 year should be able to do that then ring the MiL and go over there. It's not like she is living in an isolated place, there are neighbours and she has an adult relative very close by that she can call on in an emergency.

I am also pretty sure the teen would be capable of walking there herself too!

You’d hope so, if her mum is leaving her alone for the night.

Er, the point is about the adults potentially not wanting her to walk to her grandmother's by herself late at night in a quiet village. Not whether the teen is capable of it, which she very obviously is!

Had we been away at that point, ds would not have known what to do or who to call and a ceiling might have come down.

At 17 I would fully expect the near to adult to be able to figure out to call any adult and ask for help... I would expect that from a 12 year old tbh

I would say no this time. Because you will be far away, at a funeral. As soon as is pratical (damn Covid), give her a chance to stay alone overnight. She sounds amazing.

I wouldn't at 14. She may think she is mature enough, but she really isn't. NSPCC guidelines say under 16 shouldn't be left overnight.

Er, the point is about the adults potentially not wanting her to walk to her grandmother's by herself late at night in a quiet village. Not whether the teen is capable of it, which she very obviously is!

I’m confused. If she is capable of it (and of being alone all night) why wouldn’t they want her to do it? Why would they leave younger kids alone to meet her?

Anyway, I’m in the ‘no’ camp. This sounds like a want rather than a need and although I am sure she’s mature, it just doesn’t need to happen.

@unicornparty

Does nspcc guidelines suggest that under 16s shouldn't be left alone overnight? Does your dh need to go with you? Could he stay and look after the kids?

Sorry, I need my husband far more for my dad's funeral, which also includes a good 10 hours driving.