To consider letting DD stay alone overnight?

[DreadingSeason2020sFinale]

Sorry, may be long.

My dad is dying. He lives at the other end of the country so when the time comes, DH and I will need to go there for a couple of days for the funeral.
MIL lives two streets away in our small, quiet village.
DD who is 14 years old wants to sleep in the house at night on her own with the cat, and her sister (11) and brother (8) can go stay at gran's. She doesn't want to sleep in gran's double bed with her siblings and says she can look after our cat this way too but accepts that cooking while at home alone would be off the table so could eat a hot dinner at her gran's house then leave.

Now, with anyone else's kid it would be an immediate and obvious hell no, too young, however, DD has consistently proven herself to be mature, sensible and very independent so I'm actually considering saying okay! I just don't know. Am I crazy?

She gets herself up in a morning. Refuses (politely) all offers of a lift to school and has never been late, sorts her own breakfast and lunch, organises her own uniform and PE kit, (DH and I still do the laundry but once washed and dried the kids deal with their own), she never stays up too late and goes to be without any prompting, I haven't needed to wake her up for school in a good 6 years now, she happily 'babysits' (it's not really required as the younger kids don't need watched) her siblings and even cooks them a lunch if we're out a while, and is generally just a really good and mature young lady. Far more so than I ever was or am now

If anything, I often feel a bit sorry for her because she's that "grown up" I wonder what she's missing out on. I'm as daft as a brush and quite frankly, never half as serious as my girl is.

I appreciate there's people from all different places on MN but for us so will have a completely different perspective of dangers, but for us, we are in a quiet village where people don't lock doors when home during the day so physical safety from others isn't a huge concern. I know she would be more than fine (especially considering our neighbours/friends) are right here 24/7) but it's just not sitting right with me. I cannot think of any reason at all to say no except for the fact she's 14.

What would you do?

Sorry to hear about your Dad 🌷

I would let her. She sounds total able & she wants to, she's not being made to.

I'd let her do her own thing for dinner. Given she makes food regularly & isn't hopeless, I see no reason to make her go to her grans for dinner.

People baby teens now, even when they're competent. It's unnecessary & does them no favours.

I think its natural to feel a bit odd for you the first time, no matter when that is!!

MiL won't stay. Sorry I missed that.
If she has a local friend and they're sensible they could play house.

I would. Can't see why not!

@peboh

I'm sorry about your dad. Could mil not stay at your house? It might bring your daughter more comfort in a crappy time to be in her own space and environment. If my child was asking to stay at home I would find a way to make that happen for her.

OP has already answered about MIL staying at theirs.

Did you know, you can easily read all of an OP's posts now with the addition of 'next' on their posts

I personally would allow it as she is super sensible and has good neighbours and family literally on the doorstep. Tea with gran, straight home and check in with you/gran via phone or text, make sure door is locked as soon as she arrives home. She’ll probably enjoy it but I agree with PP, maybe make sure gran is okay with being “on call” so to speak.

Has she ever been alone on her own? I begged to be allowed to stay home when my mum worked nights instead of going to my gran's when I was 17 (!!!!) and I absolutely hated it. Being in the big house, with all its noises that I'd never noticed before, on my own. All thoughts about what might happen were going through my head, and I literally only did it once.

She might feel the same when it comes to it.

I actually still don't like being at home at night, and I'm now 30. When DP is away (very rarely thank goodness) I stay up very very late to make sure I'm incredibly tired and will go to sleep straight away. I hate it! I don't think I could cope living on my own!

I spent the odd night alone at this age - it depends on the child. She sounds sensible and if MiL is happy to be the emergency call point then it could be a better arrangement.

Is she really happy being on her own in the house, if its windy or rainy or a night of random noise weather?

I'd leave her. It sounds like she'll be fine and appreciate the trust shown in her.

What are her friends like? I was a sensible 14 year old but my friends would have all piled round and turned it into a party!

This is a tricky one. The policeman and social worker granddaughter part of my brain has immediately gone to it only takes one wrong person to know she’s there alone (in the same way you should never announce you’re going on holiday in the hairdressers etc) because that’s exactly what they’d say.

I think you can trust your daughter. It’s whether you can trust zero horrible scenarios to happen and which is a higher risk to you.

I would, she sounds more sensible than some of the 18 year olds I know.

I would let her and your DD sounds very trustworthy but agree with fabulous40s that it depends on on her friends , whether you know them, and how easily influenced she could be.

I might get shot down here for being OTT but what if someone doesn't notice she's home alone, or worse does notice and does it for that reason, and breaks in? You live in a quiet village, but my nanna lives in a quiet village and one morning years back she came out of her bedroom or bathroom to find two men in her house.... They'd been in the area looking for houses to rob and had decided because there was no car on the drive and the curtains were open that that the occupant was at work and they actually shattered the glass windows and door of her downstairs and no one had even heard it along the quiet road. Obviously this is very unlikely. But you'd never forgive yourself if it happened. Or there could be a fire and she'd be on her own. She might even just decide she hates it when it starts to get dark and the silence is deafening, then if she stays it might get really late and she might decide to head for her nannas really late at night. It might be unlikely that something bad happens but, similar to the joke, dont do something with your kids that would look bad if it ended up that 0.999% that got in the press if catastrophe struck.

@fabulous40s

What are her friends like? I was a sensible 14 year old but my friends would have all piled round and turned it into a party!

Thankfully she's no social butterfly. She has 3 very close friends and whilst I wouldn't leave those girls alone (and neither would their mums (my own friends) they're not the type to have a house party. We haven't actually had anyone round at all in ages anyway with trying to reduce chances of Covid due to what's happening with dad. If I catch it I risk not being able to attend his funeral.

@LifesNotEnidBlyton what are the chances of that.
It's like saying you would never forgive yourself for letting them walk alone because someone might kidnap them.
Or go on a bus alone, because there can be an accident.
Or letting them cook, because something can happen.

Bad things may happen anywhere, anytime and if people do not do something because of absolutely miniscule chance it will go badly they need to go to get their issues sorted. It's nothing personal, but this is really ott which will also make then the children anxious and less self sufficient for a future.

SchrodingersImmigrant
You've literally written a lot of my own post there....

But no, it isnt like those things because you dont need to leave a fourteen year old at home alone at night and theres no real gain to it, walking around and cooking are things that need to be learnt at an earlier age than living alone.

I would let her stay alone but let her know if she gets bored/lonely she can go to gran’s in case she suddenly changes her mind. I think it’s easier for a teenager to say they were bored alone than admit they were scared.

I think 14 is old enough to stay alone with nearby support, especially since you say she is unusually sensible and responsible.

But no, it isnt like those things because you dont need to leave a fourteen year old at home alone at night and theres no real gain to it, walking around and cooking are things that need to be learnt at an earlier age than living alone.

It actually is like that. It is something what builds up skills for a future and it allows them to learn independence in a safe environment. The home IS a safe environment. I don't understand why people here think 14 year olds can't stay at home alone for 1 night as an emergency unless there are some SN...

I left my 14 year old son for a night at the weekend. My mum popped in several times, we rang him at 10pm, and he could ring us if needed. The next door neighbour was aware, and my parents are very local. He was fine. As long as there is a back up plan in case she needs support, and she wants to, I can't see a problem with it.

She might even just decide she hates it when it starts to get dark and the silence is deafening, then if she stays it might get really late and she might decide to head for her nannas really late at night

Surely in this age of mobile phones she would simply text her grandmother who would nip over to collect her, or they would meet half way.

I'm generally a very cautious parent, but if you constantly say "no" to teens for fear of something bad happening (within reason of course) then eventually what they hear is "we don't have confidence in your abilities" and then the DC start to believe that themselves.

I would,
I stayed home alone for a week at 14 and loved it.

Phones mean you can keep in touch so easily now. You can even face time a couple of times.

Don't let catastrophists put you off, yes bad things happen but so very rarely and they can happen in the most careful of situations. She is sensible and wants to do it. Reward her by trusting her.

I would definitely let my DD stay at home in that situation. It's so important to build up independence and confidence and stop wrapping our kids in cotton wool.
We all assess risk each day and the risk of something happening is tiny, far less than travelling in a car for instance.
Do it, let her feel grown up and in control of her own life.

SchrodingersImmigrant

If you do that though you could start at any age. It is up to individual people what age they feel is good.

Spreadingchestnut

She'd have the younger two though.

Anyway, despite putting how unlikely something bad happening is lots in my first post, people are still jumping on it so I've added my ideas and a perspective as is the idea of the thread and I hope you do what is right for you OP because only you amd your DH can decide what's best for your children.

Does nspcc guidelines suggest that under 16s shouldn't be left alone overnight?
Does your dh need to go with you? Could he stay and look after the kids?

Whilst your DDs outlook and behaviour is something to be proud of, I'd be concerned about what could happen, and the NSPCC guidelines are sensible. Not something instigated by the daughter, but by someone else.