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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Stepdaughter and Covid

297 replies

TheHomelands2020 · 04/11/2020 13:25

I am probably going to get hammered for this but please hear me out first and put yourself in my shoes. I don't have the best relationship with my step daughter but we get on OK nothing has ever been said and we are polite to each other. When she was much younger she was really quite unpleasant but as she was a youngster and I believed much of it came from her mother I put up with it.

I've been with her dad about 10 years and he'd split from her mum about 2 years before that so she was very young when they split up.
I don't see her often. She spends EOW with her dad and I usually go to see friends so I rarely see her. Me and her dad are married.
She's 16 and sexually active with her new boyfriend. I know this because she posts videos and pics on Instagram that leave no doubt. None of my business I stay out of it as she's 16 it's not illegal and I'm not her mum. Her mum takes no notice of Covid precautions, had her own boyfriend to stay during the first lockdown thinks it doesn't apply to her. Step daughter is a hugger/kisser of friends as I think is quite normal for 16 year olds and has little respect for social distancing at work and college.

Obviously lockdown is looming and during the four weeks DH would usually see her two weekends. I can't go to friends and they can't go out. I'm an asthma sufferer and I know that she does nothing to protect herself while mixing with a great many people at college, work and at home. Also if I can't work I will only get SSP which I can't afford to do.

DH tells me that as she's under 18 he's entitled to have her over to stay. I say that's stretching the rule book. I totally agree a youngster could be disadvantaged by not seeing her dad but at 16 I'm sure she'd cope for four weeks! If I could move out I would and let them live together but I can't.
AIBU?

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 04/11/2020 13:35

Are you and your DH strictly shielding? If not then I don’t really think you can ask his daughter not to visit, sorry.

19lottie82 · 04/11/2020 13:36

PS also, in legal terms, she is entitled to move between her parents households.

HugeAckmansWife · 04/11/2020 13:37

not sure why its relevant that she's sexually active - I think what you mean is that she hasn't been especially careful re SD. I'm sorry but it really just reads like you don't like her and this would be a good excuse to have her not come. I understand that asthma is no longer considered to be a higher risk as far as CV is concerned so I think in all YABU to say she cannot come. Either keep your distance, citing the asthma as a reason, or actually see it as an opportunity to improve the relationship.

D4rwin · 04/11/2020 13:38

My ex has completely refused to see his children eow because his latest girlfriend has asthma. My children are 12 and 14. It hasn't bothered them in the slightest.

D4rwin · 04/11/2020 13:39

You sound like you're just digging for an excuse though. Maybe he's not the one for you?

AllsortsofAwkward · 04/11/2020 13:40

Her sex life is not youre concern you don't like and you don't want her there.

SocialBees · 04/11/2020 13:42

It's not stretching the rule book - children with separated parents are specifically allowed to move between their houses.

stackemhigh · 04/11/2020 13:45

My elderly mum has severe asthma so I sympathise but even my mum is able to shield effectively in her support bubble.

It’s not nice to have to hide away in your own home but you’ve set this precedent where you let them have the run of the house 2 weekends a month so I think you’d be better off shielding (so stay in another room, use a different bathroom if available, eat separately etc).

If your DH has an issue with that then tell him they can stay in a hotel.

ChronicallyCurious · 04/11/2020 13:46

YABU

Meepmeeep · 04/11/2020 13:48

How do pictures prove she’s sexually active? Unless the pictures and videos are of her actually shagging?

Nicknacky · 04/11/2020 13:50

What is actually your concern here? Lockdown rules or catching COVID? After all, there was a lock down earlier in the year so if your h was still seeing her (as was allowed) it can’t be rules you are worried about, surely?

TheHomelands2020 · 04/11/2020 13:50

The reason I've mentioned her sex life, is similar to the reason I've mentioned college, she is not being careful with other young people and is at risk of carrying this virus. I note I was not told her college life was none of my business?

I don't care what she does with her time, I just don't like the risk I'm being put under and the fact I get little say in my own home.

OP posts:
TicTacTwo · 04/11/2020 13:50

Boris specifically said children can move freely between their separated parents houses.

Nicknacky · 04/11/2020 13:51

But nothing will have changed in four weeks time, so why ask for her not to come?

TheHomelands2020 · 04/11/2020 13:52

During the first lockdown he saw her for a reduced amount of time. I shielded during this time. This time around they want her to come over for three nights EOW.

As I've been asked, the pictures are of them in bed together, what you can see of them both is naked.

OP posts:
TheHomelands2020 · 04/11/2020 13:52

I know what Boris has said, but do you really think it applies to children acting as adults or small children who would be affected by not seeing their dad?

OP posts:
NRatched · 04/11/2020 13:53

Your post reads as if you want him not to see her for the 4 weeks? If thats the case, YABU really, even if she is nearly 18.

Honestly, even if she was 'taking covid precautions' I expect shes in education? Where she spends hours upon hours mixing with loads of other people without a mask. So really, hugging/shagging your boyfriend is unlikely to be as high risk as school is!

TicTacTwo · 04/11/2020 13:55

Its not possible to be careful at school/college. They are overcrowded places and as we know from mass testing in universities, inevitable hotspots of infection. It is unreasonable to expect teens to go to school under these occasions but not socialise out of school like adults are. (That comment isn't particularly directed at you but I see it a lot)

It's not possible to prevent her from having physical contact with her bf and friends unless she's kept home from education and never allowed out.

ThePinkPlunger · 04/11/2020 13:55

I don't understand why her sexual activity or nudie pictures have anything to do with Covid Confused

TicTacTwo · 04/11/2020 13:57

My teens are seeing their Dad as normal. Johnson doesn't want the courts even more overwhelmed and teens need their Dads too. What difference will a month make? I'd say she was less likely to be infectious now (thanks to half term) than 3 weeks time

TheHomelands2020 · 04/11/2020 13:58

@ThePinkPlunger please read my post to explain why I mentioned her sexual activity. I can't be the only adult on the planet to think a just 16 year old shouldn't be shouting from the roof tops about her sexual activity, or maybe I'm just a prude.

This post is not about her sexual activity, I mentioned that to highlight that she's not very careful in her personal life, her work life or her home life about taking precuations to prevent Covid.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 04/11/2020 13:58

Were you told to shield or was that your precautions?

Nicknacky · 04/11/2020 13:58

So the issue is her social media use then, not her sex life.

switswooo · 04/11/2020 13:59

Even children aged 16 need contact with no TV parents. You seem to have written her off as a sexually active adult.

switswooo · 04/11/2020 13:59

*both , not No Tv