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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepdaughter and Covid

297 replies

TheHomelands2020 · 04/11/2020 13:25

I am probably going to get hammered for this but please hear me out first and put yourself in my shoes. I don't have the best relationship with my step daughter but we get on OK nothing has ever been said and we are polite to each other. When she was much younger she was really quite unpleasant but as she was a youngster and I believed much of it came from her mother I put up with it.

I've been with her dad about 10 years and he'd split from her mum about 2 years before that so she was very young when they split up.
I don't see her often. She spends EOW with her dad and I usually go to see friends so I rarely see her. Me and her dad are married.
She's 16 and sexually active with her new boyfriend. I know this because she posts videos and pics on Instagram that leave no doubt. None of my business I stay out of it as she's 16 it's not illegal and I'm not her mum. Her mum takes no notice of Covid precautions, had her own boyfriend to stay during the first lockdown thinks it doesn't apply to her. Step daughter is a hugger/kisser of friends as I think is quite normal for 16 year olds and has little respect for social distancing at work and college.

Obviously lockdown is looming and during the four weeks DH would usually see her two weekends. I can't go to friends and they can't go out. I'm an asthma sufferer and I know that she does nothing to protect herself while mixing with a great many people at college, work and at home. Also if I can't work I will only get SSP which I can't afford to do.

DH tells me that as she's under 18 he's entitled to have her over to stay. I say that's stretching the rule book. I totally agree a youngster could be disadvantaged by not seeing her dad but at 16 I'm sure she'd cope for four weeks! If I could move out I would and let them live together but I can't.
AIBU?

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/11/2020 14:01

So just unfollow her

switswooo · 05/11/2020 14:05

I've just read back every single of OPs comments on this thread and still can't find any evidence of ANY of the accusations that are being thrown at her. Every comment about her SD links directly to how she is concerned about the COVID risk, there isn't a single insult about SD.

I think the comments below are quite judgey and uncalled for:

I can't be the only adult on the planet to think a just 16 year old shouldn't be shouting from the roof tops about her sexual activity, or maybe I'm just a prude.

She is sexually active, this is adult behaviour, she can't be a child in one rule book and an adult in another.

He's the 4th boyfriend this year.

aSofaNearYou · 05/11/2020 14:09

@switsooo

Yes, they are slightly disapproving, hardly the crime of the century or a "disgusting, appalling character assassination". Many people would privately disapprove of a 16 year old posting suggestive pics and being allowed to sleep over at a boyfriend's. She's not acting on it at all. Why is this so shocking to people?

switswooo · 05/11/2020 14:10

Because she’s using them as fodder to not have DSD in her own father’s house.

Original poster
TheHomelands2020 · 05/11/2020 14:19

@switswooo what does it matter? Her profile is open to the public. I follow her, she follows me, what's the big deal????

I am not 'lurking' her reel is at the top of my screen?

I don't hate her, or vilify her or despise her as I've been accused of. I don't love her like a daughter because she's not my daughter, I don't worship her or think everything she does is right, it doesn't make me a bad person. Actually, my thoughts on her sexual activity are more for her own wellbeing and low self-esteem than anything else. At 16 she shouldn't be sleeping around and posting it all over SM. She should be taught that she should have a higher opinion of herself. I think her mother and father should be talking to her about this and educating her.

At 16 she's not unique in challenging her parents' views and she does this very regularly. She's difficult to be around and as someone without a biological bond I struggle with it. It doesn't mean I want to stop her seeing her dad but it is my home and when her challenging behaviour brings in risk to my home I would like that heard by my husband.

On the flip side, she also hates her mother's boyfriend. Her mother chooses her boyfriend over her daughter and fobs her off on anyone who'll have her so she can see him. I think this is wrong. Her mother provides her primary home and should put her first, but I understand her challenging behaviour is hard for everyone involved with her. I'm not asking to be put first over her, I'm asking for my concerns over her risk taking to be considered.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 05/11/2020 14:19

@switswoo No, she's using her sleeping over at her boyfriend's as an example of the things she gets up to outside of college that makes her a particularly high risk to OP. All this talk of whether OP approves of her SD being sexually active is a total derailment, she's said many times her concerns are the risk her SDs activities pose to her personally, and not having any say in what happens in her house.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/11/2020 14:23

[quote TheHomelands2020]@switswooo what does it matter? Her profile is open to the public. I follow her, she follows me, what's the big deal????

I am not 'lurking' her reel is at the top of my screen?

I don't hate her, or vilify her or despise her as I've been accused of. I don't love her like a daughter because she's not my daughter, I don't worship her or think everything she does is right, it doesn't make me a bad person. Actually, my thoughts on her sexual activity are more for her own wellbeing and low self-esteem than anything else. At 16 she shouldn't be sleeping around and posting it all over SM. She should be taught that she should have a higher opinion of herself. I think her mother and father should be talking to her about this and educating her.

At 16 she's not unique in challenging her parents' views and she does this very regularly. She's difficult to be around and as someone without a biological bond I struggle with it. It doesn't mean I want to stop her seeing her dad but it is my home and when her challenging behaviour brings in risk to my home I would like that heard by my husband.

On the flip side, she also hates her mother's boyfriend. Her mother chooses her boyfriend over her daughter and fobs her off on anyone who'll have her so she can see him. I think this is wrong. Her mother provides her primary home and should put her first, but I understand her challenging behaviour is hard for everyone involved with her. I'm not asking to be put first over her, I'm asking for my concerns over her risk taking to be considered.[/quote]
This is the first time I read compassion for this girl. If you want her to act in less risky ways, the only way to do this is to find a way to connect with her. For her safety as well as yours. It is a pity you didn’t start from this point in your op and ask for ways to move forward.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 05/11/2020 14:24

it is my home and when her challenging behaviour brings in risk to my home I would like that heard by my husband.

And this is the crux of your issue.

Original poster
TheHomelands2020 · 05/11/2020 14:28

Thank you @aSofaNearYou

Your comments make me realise I am making myself heard to at least one other person. The derailment of the post does keep taking it off on a tangent and I'm guilty of responding to try and defend myself.

Just for those in any doubt, my concerns are about my step daughter bringing Covid into my home via her activities that include things she is allowed to do, i.e. go to college, and those she shouldn't be doing, hugging and kissing friends, staying over at bfs house, etc. Everything else is an aside to this.

OP posts:
Saladfingersscaresme · 05/11/2020 14:50

Op, YANBU. I have been a stepmother, I get you on all levels.

aSofaNearYou · 05/11/2020 14:57

@TheHomelands2020 No problem, for what it's worth I think it was pretty clear what your concerns were from the start. So often perfectly non offensive threads by SMs go this way.

katy1213 · 05/11/2020 15:07

I'm with you! A 16-year-old will survive without seeing her father for a few weeks. And I'm also old-fashioned enough to think that nobody's sexual activity - never mind a 16-year-old's - should be flaunted on social media.

GrapevineFires · 05/11/2020 16:11

So this poor girl gets drop by her DM for DM's boyfriend, and now you want her DF to put his DW ahead of her too.

The risk of her spending time with a boyfriend is no more significant than her spending 5 days a week with 100s of other students - yet you don't seem concerned about that.

And what does happen if lockdown is extended another 4 weeks? Another 8? Are you suggesting your DH shouldn't allow his DD around for the whole time?

GrapevineFires · 05/11/2020 16:13

And if 'everything else is an aside' then why the fuck did you mention it? What relevance AT ALL does her being on the pill since 14 have to do with COVID?

ChloeCrocodile · 05/11/2020 17:44

it is my home and when her challenging behaviour brings in risk to my home I would like that heard by my husband.

Her behaviour re covid isn't particularly challenging - it is normal for a 16yo right now. Most 16yo aren't socially distancing from friends at all (indeed they can't at college), and most who have boyfriends and girlfriends are still seeing them (or were until today). So what your husband is hearing is that you want him not to have his daughter over, simply because she is acting like an ordinary teenager.

SimonJT · 05/11/2020 17:51

So her mum puts her boyfriend above the welfare of her daughter and her dad puts his partner above the welfare of his daughter.

Lets face it, you think her value as a human is diminished because she takes a tablet once a day and has a boyfriend. You might as well show your true horrid colours and call her a slag or something equally as vile.

aSofaNearYou · 05/11/2020 17:58

Let's face it, you think her value as a human is diminished because she takes a tablet once a day and has a boyfriend. You might as well show your true horrid colours and call her a slag or something equally as vile.

Oh dear lord 🤦‍♀️

emilyfrost · 05/11/2020 18:02

At 16 she shouldn't be sleeping around and posting it all over SM.

Again, being naked in bed doesn’t mean they’re having sex or engaging in any sexual activity.

borntohula · 06/11/2020 14:55

@SimonJT

So her mum puts her boyfriend above the welfare of her daughter and her dad puts his partner above the welfare of his daughter.

Lets face it, you think her value as a human is diminished because she takes a tablet once a day and has a boyfriend. You might as well show your true horrid colours and call her a slag or something equally as vile.

Agreed.
dontdisturbmenow · 06/11/2020 15:22

All this talk of whether OP approves of her SD being sexually active is a total derailment, she's said many times her concerns are the risk her SDs activities pose to her personally, and not having any say in what happens in her house
That's how I read it too. Not sure why the thread derailed so much. But I also don't understsand why OP believes her SD coming to see her dad puts her so much at risk.

Ivy455 · 06/11/2020 16:51

Jesus, this post escalated.

Sceptre86 · 06/11/2020 18:17

Really not sure why you are getting villiefied over your comments. By spending your weekends with friends etc. you have given sd the time to spend with her father one on one. It isn't easy for someone to have to vacate their home or make plans every weekend to facilitate this but presumably op has done so because she wants her husband and sd to have much needed time together. It seems stepmothers can never win on this site, had you always been present when so came over you would be accused of overstepping the mark and by giving them time together you are cold and distant. Is it so hard for posters to understand that children do not always warm to their parents new partners and may direct (wrongly) their upset at the stepparent instead of their parent for abandoning them?

Op is not sd's mother and she clearly doesn't consider herself a bonus parent or similar. She is concerned about covid, as a parent you would be able to overlook her behaviour but you are not her parent. You are well within your rights to speak to your dh about this but understand that he is between a rock and a hard place. Despite her engaging in adult behaviours to her dad she is still a child and his child at that. For him four weeks may be too long to go without seeing her and vice versa. Kids don't stop needing or wanting to spend time with their parents once they hit 16 ( some might but not all) and from your posts you don't know your sd on a personal level to know how she would feel.

Your dh should acknowledge your feelings and you have a problem if he doesn't. I would then either wear a mask around her or stay in your room if you are that concerned about covid. In addition your dh could have a word with his dd about you having asthma and the need to be careful whilst at yours. I think that is the best you can hope for.

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