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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepdaughter and Covid

297 replies

TheHomelands2020 · 04/11/2020 13:25

I am probably going to get hammered for this but please hear me out first and put yourself in my shoes. I don't have the best relationship with my step daughter but we get on OK nothing has ever been said and we are polite to each other. When she was much younger she was really quite unpleasant but as she was a youngster and I believed much of it came from her mother I put up with it.

I've been with her dad about 10 years and he'd split from her mum about 2 years before that so she was very young when they split up.
I don't see her often. She spends EOW with her dad and I usually go to see friends so I rarely see her. Me and her dad are married.
She's 16 and sexually active with her new boyfriend. I know this because she posts videos and pics on Instagram that leave no doubt. None of my business I stay out of it as she's 16 it's not illegal and I'm not her mum. Her mum takes no notice of Covid precautions, had her own boyfriend to stay during the first lockdown thinks it doesn't apply to her. Step daughter is a hugger/kisser of friends as I think is quite normal for 16 year olds and has little respect for social distancing at work and college.

Obviously lockdown is looming and during the four weeks DH would usually see her two weekends. I can't go to friends and they can't go out. I'm an asthma sufferer and I know that she does nothing to protect herself while mixing with a great many people at college, work and at home. Also if I can't work I will only get SSP which I can't afford to do.

DH tells me that as she's under 18 he's entitled to have her over to stay. I say that's stretching the rule book. I totally agree a youngster could be disadvantaged by not seeing her dad but at 16 I'm sure she'd cope for four weeks! If I could move out I would and let them live together but I can't.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Love51 · 04/11/2020 14:56

@TheHomelands2020

I know what Boris has said, but do you really think it applies to children acting as adults or small children who would be affected by not seeing their dad?
All. I strongly suspect the reason they explained it in this manner is because there are a lot of court orders around child contact and the court couldn't cope with issuing variations to them all, especially if neither party wanted them to. All children have the right to see their parents. It is tricky as ideally you would want her to be cautious so you didn't have to shield from her in your home. But you surely can't expect her not to see her dad? Especially as this is going to go on for another 9 months, with restrictions being loosened and tightened.
Fluffybutter · 04/11/2020 14:56

I wouldn’t want someone who was breaking all kinds of covid rules in my house if I was potentially at risk.
I don’t understand why people can’t see that

Mrsjayy · 04/11/2020 14:56

What would the school do about her posting pictures with her boyfriend ?

GetOffYourHighHorse · 04/11/2020 14:57

'However, she spends 5 days a week in a large secondary school where social distancing is pretty much impossible. So even if your SD did nothing except go to school, she would already be a big infection risk.'

She is further apart from others sat in a classroom than when mixing households and sleeping with people.

TicTacTwo · 04/11/2020 15:01

if she continues to stay over at her various boyfriends and mix households I'd suggest to dh that she stays away until after lockdown.

I live in Tier 1 where you can meet indoors (Rule of Six) and stay overnight. Are you saying that she should live stricter than the actual rules?

Aragog · 04/11/2020 15:02

she can't be a child in one rule book and an adult in another

Of course she can!

Legal ages apply for different activities.
At 16y she can legally have sex.
At 16y she is also legally a child.

RedskyAtnight · 04/11/2020 15:04

@GetOffYourHighHorse

'However, she spends 5 days a week in a large secondary school where social distancing is pretty much impossible. So even if your SD did nothing except go to school, she would already be a big infection risk.'

She is further apart from others sat in a classroom than when mixing households and sleeping with people.

Yes, but there is a huge risk of transmission just from being in secondary school. See the recent El Pais article english.elpais.com/society/2020-10-28/a-room-a-bar-and-a-class-how-the-coronavirus-is-spread-through-the-air.html If OP's concern is health related, she needs to worry about this as much or more than her SD's sex life.
GetOffYourHighHorse · 04/11/2020 15:06

'live in Tier 1 where you can meet indoors (Rule of Six) and stay overnight. Are you saying that she should live stricter than the actual rules?'

No, that's why I said 'if she continues to'. As we do go into lockdown/much tighter restrictions today.

sirfredfredgeorge · 04/11/2020 15:06

If I could move out I would and let them live together but I can't

You can, there is nothing in law preventing you, hotels are even open specifically to meet this situation.

TicTacTwo · 04/11/2020 15:11

@GetOffYourHighHorse

'live in Tier 1 where you can meet indoors (Rule of Six) and stay overnight. Are you saying that she should live stricter than the actual rules?'

No, that's why I said 'if she continues to'. As we do go into lockdown/much tighter restrictions today.

Yes I knew about Lockdown 2.0 Grin
timeforanewstart · 04/11/2020 15:11

Im in my forties and even i will find it hard not seeing my parents for a month

Aragog · 04/11/2020 15:13

She is further apart from others sat in a classroom than when mixing households and sleeping with people.

To an extent, but in most schools they are sat shoulder to shoulder with at least one other teen with no masks, etc. SDing just isn't happening in schools. Most classrooms aren't big enough to allow it.

flaviaritt · 04/11/2020 15:14

And I'd inform the school that she's posting sexually suggestive pictures on open social media.

Why? Wouldn’t they... call SS on you and your DH? You know, the people actually responsible for her?

unicornparty · 04/11/2020 15:18

Op your sd is 16 so should continue to see both parents. I've got a dsd who is 18 that lives with her brother (dss) who is older. In lockdown we're now not allowed to see dsd as she's 18 but it feels cruel. She's got no job at the moment so she'll be home alone all day while her brother is at work.

Dustysilkflowers · 04/11/2020 15:19

He's the 4th boyfriend this year!

Wow. Sounds like you’ve just found a reason not to have her there tbh.

Also - you didn’t inherit her... you joined her family. Sounds like something she wasn’t too impressed with either..

aSofaNearYou · 04/11/2020 15:20

*If she's allowed to move between households, she should be responsible with that and limit her exposure/risk.

I wouldn't want her in my house either.*

This.

Yes she is still a child and therefore should still be able to see her dad, but she is old enough to be told that she needs to be responsible and considerate of the increased vulnerability of other people in both of her households. Attending college does naturally pose a risk, yes, but this is necessary and not an example of her being inconsiderate. Flouting SD rules by hugging her friends and sleeping over at her boyfriends during lockdown (so from tomorrow) is inconsiderate, so I don't think OP is unreasonable to feel she is not being considered.

TicTacTwo · 04/11/2020 15:20

To an extent, but in most schools they are sat shoulder to shoulder with at least one other teen with no masks, etc. SDing just isn't happening in schools. Most classrooms aren't big enough to allow it.

My kids experience too. No masks in class so every time someone talks to you, you're at risk. Masks aren't being too strongly enforced and a lot of kids have the same mask and reuse for days if it's not being worn as a chin warmer instead.

At DD's work people take off masks when there's no customers and there's plenty of passing people stuff and touching the same surfaces as colleagues.

Dustysilkflowers · 04/11/2020 15:21

One night or three is exactly the same.

Are you going to be going round after her with anti bac wipes?

You should just stay in your room isolated the entire time she is there Wink

TableFlowerss · 04/11/2020 15:29

To be honest the person that should be taking the most responsibility is your DH and her father!!

It’s easy for you to say it’s just a month but it might be extended indefinitely? What you going through suggest street Christmas, her not to come over? It will still be out there there

You’re not wrong in feeling that you should be prioritised over her but you’re wrong to expect your DH to agree with this.

She’s his daughter end of. You got with someone that had children and there are positive and negative aspects but never make him chose, but I suspect it wouldn’t go in your favour.

Unless you’ve been shielding since March and haven’t been out the house except in emergencies then you’ve not got a leg to stand on.

As all suggested you could stay in a hotel if you felt that strongly

TableFlowerss · 04/11/2020 15:30

Excuse all the types 😂

Idunnoyou · 04/11/2020 15:35

Rule book....

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/11/2020 15:40

"Also if I can't work I will only get SSP which I can't afford to do.

I'm assuming you have shared finances with your husband @TheHomelands2020, have you discussed this aspect of the fallout should you become ill? Because if you can't afford it, neither can he.

And what would happen if he were to become ill? What would be the impact of that?

It's all very well for him to say that "he's entitled to have her over to stay" (he is), but what plans has he made to deal with the possible consequences?

ThePlantsitter · 04/11/2020 15:41

One of the benefits of making the effort to build relationships with people is that when you need them to think about what you need - e.g her to follow covid precautions - they will do it because they care for you. I don't have anything against step parents but somebody who can be in a child's life for 10 years and makes no effort whatsoever to bond? You've made your own bed frankly. Sorry.

nosswith · 04/11/2020 15:41

Is it an option for her to visit for a short while, not stay, and go back home at night? Your DH and stepdaughter could at least meet, even if only for a coffee in another room or a walk around the garden.

I agree staying is unreasonable, but at least this means they meet each other during the four weeks (or longer if the case).

Hotels are not an option if I read the plans correctly. Unreasonable to be forced out of your home every other weekend in any case.

Stantons · 04/11/2020 15:49

YANBU OP its horrible not to feel safe or have control of anything in your own home. There are a lot of posts on here but they are not from people in the same position. YANBU and your feelings are valid

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