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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepdaughter and Covid

297 replies

TheHomelands2020 · 04/11/2020 13:25

I am probably going to get hammered for this but please hear me out first and put yourself in my shoes. I don't have the best relationship with my step daughter but we get on OK nothing has ever been said and we are polite to each other. When she was much younger she was really quite unpleasant but as she was a youngster and I believed much of it came from her mother I put up with it.

I've been with her dad about 10 years and he'd split from her mum about 2 years before that so she was very young when they split up.
I don't see her often. She spends EOW with her dad and I usually go to see friends so I rarely see her. Me and her dad are married.
She's 16 and sexually active with her new boyfriend. I know this because she posts videos and pics on Instagram that leave no doubt. None of my business I stay out of it as she's 16 it's not illegal and I'm not her mum. Her mum takes no notice of Covid precautions, had her own boyfriend to stay during the first lockdown thinks it doesn't apply to her. Step daughter is a hugger/kisser of friends as I think is quite normal for 16 year olds and has little respect for social distancing at work and college.

Obviously lockdown is looming and during the four weeks DH would usually see her two weekends. I can't go to friends and they can't go out. I'm an asthma sufferer and I know that she does nothing to protect herself while mixing with a great many people at college, work and at home. Also if I can't work I will only get SSP which I can't afford to do.

DH tells me that as she's under 18 he's entitled to have her over to stay. I say that's stretching the rule book. I totally agree a youngster could be disadvantaged by not seeing her dad but at 16 I'm sure she'd cope for four weeks! If I could move out I would and let them live together but I can't.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 04/11/2020 15:51

@TheHomelands2020

My HUSBAND also has obligations to his wife. He's not my partner.

I have never said her dad's home is not her home. YOu're putting words into my mouth now.

First and foremost your husband has obligations to his DEPENDANT CHILD.

There are many many people on this site, who are vulnerable but not very vulnerable. Many have school attending children. Bet your bottom dollar if this was your child, you wouldn’t feel the same way.

yabvu

Ihaveyourback · 04/11/2020 15:54

YABU and sound like you are looking for the perfect excuse not to see her.

NRatched · 04/11/2020 15:56

I don't care that she's sleeping with her boyfriend, I used this as an example to show that she's not being very careful about Covid precautions. He's the 4th boyfriend this year.

I expect the '4th boyfriend this year' thing is also something that apparently doesn't bother you and you are 'just saying'?

I could understand the focus on her sex life a bit more if she was underage, but this 'a 16 year old is having sex, this means she is an adult in everyway and she shouldn't see her dad' is..weird. Her having sex with her boyfriend, if she is, is unlikely to make her as hish risk as sharing a classroom with 50 other teenagers and a teacher each day for hours on end will.

I really don't understand the focus on her sex life, while pretending its not the sex life that bothers you, when its clear thats the primary concern of yours. I really do think you should be avoiding her social media if its upsetting you this much. She would probably be quite embarrassed to find out you are seeking out her social media profiles and frothing over them really! Even if they are 'open', its a little weird.

I am actually getting quite confused by MN and the teenager thing. Making out that them for example, walking home from school together means they are high risk. Rather than the fact that..they are at school with no preventative measures, its definitely the few minutes doing something outside of school thats the problem, everyone knows you cannot catch covid in school, same as you couldn't catch it before 10pm Grin

Whitecottoncandy · 04/11/2020 15:57

@TheHomelands2020 I’m confused that you don’t seem to know how covid spreads. If she has it and sees your husband then he can pass it to you. So you going to a friend to avoid them while she is there but then coming back home to your husband is fairly pointless. He would have to never see her to protect you from covid and that is pretty unreasonable.

NRatched · 04/11/2020 15:59

@Nicknacky

But what difference does after lockdown make?
I would think, that lockdown is actually when the risk lowers. If you have been ok with seeing someone before lockdown, it makes little sense to think its more dangerous during lockdown, when numbers will be lowering during the lockdown so is technically safer than it has been?

Something else thats confusing me about the whole thing really. Have a few friends who are saying their kids will be off school from thursday onwards as its too high risk. But..numbers will be falling from thursday and if they think its safe now, it makes no sense to suddenly decide that it becomes toxic on Thursday onwards? makes sense to be concerned about safety in general of course, but 0 sense to think it will be MORE dangerous as less people interact?!

Stantons · 04/11/2020 15:59

@whitecottoncandy going to the friends reduces the risk though, its not ideal for OP but it's a compromise

Whitecottoncandy · 04/11/2020 16:00

@Stantons if she had it and gives it to the op DH then he can easily spread it to her so I don’t see how it reduces risk. If he’s spending a full day in her company his risk of infection is very high if she has it and then the op goes back and spends her time with him.

Standrewsschool · 04/11/2020 16:01

So basically, you are concerned because you suffer from asthma and your step-daughter mixes with a lot of people, and you don’t consider her Covid -safe. The rest of the information is superfluous.

Can she perhaps get Covid tested before visiting you, to prove she is negative? Or just practice good Covid hygiene when she is with you?

JaffaCake70 · 04/11/2020 16:04

@TheHomelands2020

The reason I've mentioned her sex life, is similar to the reason I've mentioned college, she is not being careful with other young people and is at risk of carrying this virus. I note I was not told her college life was none of my business?

I don't care what she does with her time, I just don't like the risk I'm being put under and the fact I get little say in my own home.

The reason no one has told you that her college life is none of your business, is because going to college doesn't cast any judgement on her character, whereas telling us she's sexually active at 16 does (you hope). And well you know it.

There was absolutely nothing to be gained by telling MN that this girl is sexually active, you could have just told us that she has continued to see her boyfriend. That would've been enough information to inform us that she is 'not being careful with other young people'.

You sound like you really dislike her and would love an excuse for her to not be able to visit.

If I was your DH I'd be telling you to go and stay somewhere else. I'd never pick a partner over my child.

StrawBeretMoose · 04/11/2020 16:05

@TheHomelands2020

I know what Boris has said, but do you really think it applies to children acting as adults or small children who would be affected by not seeing their dad?
It applies to all children and more fool you if you think teenagers need their parents less than little kids with all that is going on in the world.
Therealjudgejudy · 04/11/2020 16:08

You sound like you really dislike your SD.

You do know that both she and your husband will have picked up on that right? Hmm

Mrsjayy · 04/11/2020 16:08

Oh I agree there was no need to go on about her sexlife or her social media but I think that was to sully the girl and add a bit of salacious drama to the story,which is a pretty shitty thing to do.

JaffaCake70 · 04/11/2020 16:11

@Mrsjayy

Oh I agree there was no need to go on about her sexlife or her social media but I think that was to sully the girl and add a bit of salacious drama to the story,which is a pretty shitty thing to do.
Agree 100%

Nasty behaviour.

Speaks more of OP's character than it does of her Stepdaughter's.

Keepdistance · 04/11/2020 16:12

Yanbu
Currently 2% of older kids have covid.
Being in a household overnight is the highest risk for catching
Asthmatics are supposed to strictly SD.
Not everyone spreads covid so only the dh seeing STep Dd might make a difference.
The issue for anyone CV would be nhs services being overwhelmed.
I have mild asthma i think i had covid in apr i was struggling to breathe. Plus heart palpitations. Imo if it wasnt so expensive etc more groups would be shielding.

But i do get the points on where will it end.
I also dont think it would be wise if either had high bp etc. Yes you might catch it eventually but new treatments all the time.

Milkshake7489 · 04/11/2020 16:12

For god sake your MIL analogy is ridiculous.

Is she a child? Does your husband have parental responsibility towards his mum?

No, your MIL is an adult and a guest so not allowed to visit.

Your husband has a responsibility towards his daughter until she is, at an absolute minimum, 18. This responsibility far outweighs his responsibility to you (you can divorce a spouse if things don't work out... it's far more serious to give up parental rights).

What would happen if all the mums on here decided to stop allowing their teenagers into their homes because of covid?

Parenting doesn't become optional at 16.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 04/11/2020 16:17

The rule around children moving between houses is clear.. It applies to all under 18’s regardless of whether they attend school / college / whatever. I know my ds (just turned 18) is struggling with the fact that he’s no longer allowed to visit his dad, which in turn means he can’t see his dsis either.
I do get your concerns.. I’m slightly vulnerable as well (not shielding level, but have an underlying health condition) and I know when ds2 is at his df’s they aren’t nearly as careful as I am. But - aside from silently seething - there really isn’t much I can do.

Borderterrierpuppy · 04/11/2020 16:27

Hi OP how severe is your asthma, if it’s well controlled there is not much evidence that you will do any worse than someone your age and weight without asthma? I have asthma too and work in a clinical setting with covid + patients.
Do you go out to work etc?
Teenagers are inherently risk takers, remember being that age?
Honestly you have been with her dad for 10 years I would really try and connect with her on any level and you might find you will be finding fewer problems .

ChloeCrocodile · 04/11/2020 16:33

I wouldn’t want someone who was breaking all kinds of covid rules in my house if I was potentially at risk.
I don’t understand why people can’t see that.

People can see that. But I don't know any parent who would refuse to let their 16yo in to the house because they are going to college and have a boyfriend! This is exactly what the OP is expecting her DH to do. Completely unreasonable, and disproportionate - the OP wasn't even on the shielding list.

TiptopJ · 04/11/2020 16:40

Op you knew he had a child when you met him. Why did you not consider exactly how you would think act and feel during a global pandemic when you met him 10 years ago?????????

yeOldeTrout · 04/11/2020 16:47

I know way too much about this poor girl's sex life. Disingenuous for OP to supply so much detail but then say "I'm just worried about catching covid from her".

Original poster
TheHomelands2020 · 04/11/2020 17:04

OK thanks, I've stopped reading because it's not about her sex life, it's about Covid, but you all see this as a stick to beat me with.

Put yourself in my shoes, just for a moment. Thanks for all the comments. I'm not flouncing off, I just can't keep repeating myself.

OP posts:
WingingItSince1973 · 04/11/2020 17:06

Why do you leave the house eow when she stays? Surely it would be better to be around and build up a relationship with her. I can understand you're anxious about covid but its not her fault same as its not your fault you can go and stay with friends. If you're married to her dad then she comes as the package.

ArranBound · 04/11/2020 17:12

We stepmothers get an often unjustifiable hard time on here, OP. I get what you're saying; your stepdaughter isn't taking any Covid19 precautions and is knowingly putting you and other members of your immediate household at risk. But if your husband isn't prepared to ask her to stay away, or meet her outside of the house, he is part of the issue, by refusing to acknowledge your anxiety. I'm not sure what else you can do other than try to isolate yourself from them as much as possible over the weekends and clean anything that is shared. Stay safe.

Original poster
TheHomelands2020 · 04/11/2020 17:21

It's easier to not be around when she is, there's just such a stressful atmosphere. I did try for many years but eventually had to disengage for my own mental health.

If you're not a stepmother to a difficult child you'd never understand how it feels to be a stranger in your own home.

There are comments about me isolating away by myself in my own home - should I let them lock the door from the outside???

OP posts:
Halliehallie9828 · 04/11/2020 17:23

OP you are in the wrong. She’s still a child and yes mentioning the sex thing was plain weird as it’s irrelevant. You could of just said she had a BF she spends time with considering most 16 year olds kiss their BF so they same amount of risk as having sex!

Your house is also her house! She’s entitled to see her dad. You don’t like her which is very obvious but that’s your problem. Deal with it or move out.