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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepdaughter and Covid

297 replies

TheHomelands2020 · 04/11/2020 13:25

I am probably going to get hammered for this but please hear me out first and put yourself in my shoes. I don't have the best relationship with my step daughter but we get on OK nothing has ever been said and we are polite to each other. When she was much younger she was really quite unpleasant but as she was a youngster and I believed much of it came from her mother I put up with it.

I've been with her dad about 10 years and he'd split from her mum about 2 years before that so she was very young when they split up.
I don't see her often. She spends EOW with her dad and I usually go to see friends so I rarely see her. Me and her dad are married.
She's 16 and sexually active with her new boyfriend. I know this because she posts videos and pics on Instagram that leave no doubt. None of my business I stay out of it as she's 16 it's not illegal and I'm not her mum. Her mum takes no notice of Covid precautions, had her own boyfriend to stay during the first lockdown thinks it doesn't apply to her. Step daughter is a hugger/kisser of friends as I think is quite normal for 16 year olds and has little respect for social distancing at work and college.

Obviously lockdown is looming and during the four weeks DH would usually see her two weekends. I can't go to friends and they can't go out. I'm an asthma sufferer and I know that she does nothing to protect herself while mixing with a great many people at college, work and at home. Also if I can't work I will only get SSP which I can't afford to do.

DH tells me that as she's under 18 he's entitled to have her over to stay. I say that's stretching the rule book. I totally agree a youngster could be disadvantaged by not seeing her dad but at 16 I'm sure she'd cope for four weeks! If I could move out I would and let them live together but I can't.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 04/11/2020 14:12

Do you want your h to put you above his daughter?

Original poster
TheHomelands2020 · 04/11/2020 14:12

Thank you @Bumble84

This home is my home. She is welcome and I've never tried nor wanted her to stop seeing her dad. I'm just worried about catching Covid from her.

OP posts:
switswooo · 04/11/2020 14:12

My HUSBAND also has obligations to his wife. He's not my partner.

Not at the expense of his children. I hate this line but it’s needed here: you knew he had a CHILD when you married him.

Aragog · 04/11/2020 14:12

Are you classed as CEV or EV with your asthma?
I know that not all asthma sufferers are classed as vulnerable now, but assume if you shielded last time then yours must be pretty bad.

Unfortunately even if you are particularly vulnerable your SD is allowed into your home, even though she is mixing with others (which she will be due to college) - it is law. Her age doesn't change this. She is 16y and still legally a child. She is allowed to maintain her contact with her dad over the next month.

To protect yourself you just need to follow the guidelines yourself and, when she is there, try to maintain a 2m distance, air the room regularly, you could clean contact points, etc. Maybe have one room that you know she won't go in so you know that one is 'safer' for you.

Drowninginwashing · 04/11/2020 14:13

Unless the MIL lives in the house, your analogy is faulty. MIL would be a visitor - not allowed. But DSD is entitled see her father's home as her own and is legally allowed to stay there during lockdown. So yes of course you would get different answers, since the situation is totally different.

Mrsjayy · 04/11/2020 14:13

What are you going to do are you going to force your HUSBAND to choose?

switswooo · 04/11/2020 14:14

She is 16y and still legally a child.

OP refuses to grasp this.

Kcar · 04/11/2020 14:16

Your MIL is not 16 and not legally entitled to move between homes.

cadburyegg · 04/11/2020 14:16

YABU

Original poster
TheHomelands2020 · 04/11/2020 14:17

No of course I'm not going to force my husband to choose. I have no choice in the matter, that is my beef really. I get no say in the matter despite having serious and valid concerns. I will socially distance from them both, I will wipe down surfaces and clean the bathroom much more often. My point is I shouldn't have to, I should have a say in this, I'm not talking about a total blanket 'don't see her', just perhaps minimise it to one night until we can all do our own thing again.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheHomelands2020 · 04/11/2020 14:18

She is 16 and officially still a child.

OP posts:
Sophoa · 04/11/2020 14:19

To be fair, apart from the sex she's pretty much doing what every other 16 year old is doing, her being in close contact with other children and the hugging is what 99% of them are doing. 16 year olds don't tend to be any good at social distancing. Sorry! I think that you can keep your distance from her but she's entitled to come and see her dad as she's 16 and still a child.

Noitjustwontdo · 04/11/2020 14:19

I’ll go against the grain here because I understand your anxieties OP. You obviously have asthma bad enough to have shielded during the first lockdown so I’m baffled as to why shielding hasn’t also been recommended this time around. You’re obviously vulnerable to the virus which should be respected.

I don’t think her sex life is irrelevant, OP was clearly trying to point out the fact she isn’t SD so she’s at a much higher risk of catching it as a result.

I feel for you OP, it’s a shame there’s nowhere you can stay on the weekends he wants to see her. Do you know any single people you could form a support bubble with so you could stay with them?

flaviaritt · 04/11/2020 14:20

And if her mum said the same? She can spend one night with you, one night with her mum, and the other nights...where?

Doingitaloneandproud · 04/11/2020 14:20

@TheHomelands2020

Thank you *@Bumble84*

This home is my home. She is welcome and I've never tried nor wanted her to stop seeing her dad. I'm just worried about catching Covid from her.

But then your home is also her home. So she is entitled to see her dad and stay there. I'm sorry but it seems as though you just would prefer she didn't come for the full lockdown and that is unreasonable. She is still his childConfused
Mrsjayy · 04/11/2020 14:20

No unfortunately your stepdaughter is entitled to see her dad all the say you have is id she wants the boyfriend over which of course you can put your foot down.

TicTacTwo · 04/11/2020 14:21

Yanbu to worry about catching Covid from SD and if you'd asked advice from CEV people about how they got over the fear and sent their kids to school then you would have had lots of support.

The stuff about her having sex etc has made you seem like the stereotypical mean stepmother. Not seeing her for 4 weeks isn't going to change the risk.

Aridane · 04/11/2020 14:21

She is sexually active, this is adult behaviour, she can't be a child in one rule book and an adult in another

Yes, she absolutely can - different ages apply under different pieces of legislation.

You don’t like her - own it - don’t blame covid. (Or shit yourself away when she visits)

Haenow · 04/11/2020 14:22

YABU, she’s 16 and you’re not officially shielding.

NRatched · 04/11/2020 14:22

@TheHomelands2020

No I'm not officially shielding, never have, I took myself away from them during first lockdown as we knew her mother had been ignoring all lockdown rules and I didn't want to catch it. I still don't.

She is sexually active, this is adult behaviour, she can't be a child in one rule book and an adult in another.

she can't be a child in one rule book and an adult in another.

Course she can, most teenagers go through a bit of crossover surely..

Anyway, even if she was an adult because shes sexually active, that still doesn't mean she doesn't need to see her dad.

TicTacTwo · 04/11/2020 14:23

has little respect for social distancing at work and college.

You can't SD at college and many work places.

Sally872 · 04/11/2020 14:24

You are at no greater risk from her during the 4 weeks of lockdown than you are any other time. It is not reasonable for dh and dd not to see each other until vaccine so pointless and potentially harmful to their relationship to stop visits for 4 weeks.

NRatched · 04/11/2020 14:26

@Mrsjayy

Unfollow her on social media and let the girl see her dad i don't know what her sex life has to do with anything .
I would definitely advise this. It seems to be stressing you out, and regardless of your posts saying its not, her being sexually active is clearly a problem for you. Especially given it appears her being sexually active seems to be the reason behind you thinking her dad should refuse to see her for a month.

OK, I'll rewrite this as MIL wants to come to our house and she doesn't take any Covid precautions. I'm sure I'll get a very different response.

MIL is the same as your child? Hmm.

Its also quite interesting that you do not see the house as DSDs? I mean, obviouly its not just hers, but if her dad lives there, it is one of her homes. DH has 3 kids with someone else, and they ca all use this home as their own..yes, even if they might do some things in their private life that I don't personally agree with.

Aridane · 04/11/2020 14:26

Are you classed as CEV or EV with your asthma?

@Aragog - OP has confirmed that she was not CEV / required to shield but choosing to do so because of pre-existing medical condition

NRatched · 04/11/2020 14:26

@TheHomelands2020

Her social media is open.
Stop looking at it. For your own sake.