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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepdaughter and Covid

297 replies

TheHomelands2020 · 04/11/2020 13:25

I am probably going to get hammered for this but please hear me out first and put yourself in my shoes. I don't have the best relationship with my step daughter but we get on OK nothing has ever been said and we are polite to each other. When she was much younger she was really quite unpleasant but as she was a youngster and I believed much of it came from her mother I put up with it.

I've been with her dad about 10 years and he'd split from her mum about 2 years before that so she was very young when they split up.
I don't see her often. She spends EOW with her dad and I usually go to see friends so I rarely see her. Me and her dad are married.
She's 16 and sexually active with her new boyfriend. I know this because she posts videos and pics on Instagram that leave no doubt. None of my business I stay out of it as she's 16 it's not illegal and I'm not her mum. Her mum takes no notice of Covid precautions, had her own boyfriend to stay during the first lockdown thinks it doesn't apply to her. Step daughter is a hugger/kisser of friends as I think is quite normal for 16 year olds and has little respect for social distancing at work and college.

Obviously lockdown is looming and during the four weeks DH would usually see her two weekends. I can't go to friends and they can't go out. I'm an asthma sufferer and I know that she does nothing to protect herself while mixing with a great many people at college, work and at home. Also if I can't work I will only get SSP which I can't afford to do.

DH tells me that as she's under 18 he's entitled to have her over to stay. I say that's stretching the rule book. I totally agree a youngster could be disadvantaged by not seeing her dad but at 16 I'm sure she'd cope for four weeks! If I could move out I would and let them live together but I can't.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheHomelands2020 · 05/11/2020 12:20

If you read the post it clearly said she was put on the pill and it was possibly to do with her periods. I am aware of this, even as a lowly step mother. I have no desire whatsoever to be any kind of mothering figure to her, she has a mum for that so you sticking the boot in over her not wanting to tell me anything has zero effect.

OP posts:
Kcar · 05/11/2020 12:22

I strongly believe she was having sex under age, she was put on the pill by her mother at 14. This could be to help with periods but I think she viewed it as a license to have sex.

I was countering this allegation.

You are determined to view her negatively because she’s having sex at 16.

And in point of fact, at 14. She doesn’t get put on the pill by her mother. There is a conversation with a medical professional.

Mebeline · 05/11/2020 12:24

It sounds like a very disconnected relationship, which is sad for you both.

And yes, she is a child.

JaffaCake70 · 05/11/2020 12:26

@Kcar

I strongly believe she was having sex under age, she was put on the pill by her mother at 14. This could be to help with periods but I think she viewed it as a license to have sex.

I was countering this allegation.

You are determined to view her negatively because she’s having sex at 16.

And in point of fact, at 14. She doesn’t get put on the pill by her mother. There is a conversation with a medical professional.

I just don't understand why we need to be told anything at all about this girl being on the pill, having sex etc.

In what way is this connected to the whole Covid and visiting her DH matter?

OP is DEFINITELY on a mission to assassinate her SD's character.

Motherofthreequeens · 05/11/2020 12:27

Does your dh know how you really feel about his DD?

This is my worst nightmare tbh. My dds having a SM that actively disliked them. I just couldn’t imagine being with some one that felt like that about my kids. Nor would I put myself through being with some one when their kids clearly didn’t like me.

Motherofthreequeens · 05/11/2020 12:28

OP is DEFINITELY on a mission to assassinate her SD's character

I agree. I’d be packing their bags if I ever caught my partner talking about my kids in this way.

Original poster
TheHomelands2020 · 05/11/2020 12:30

I wish it could go back to the COVID points. This keeps veering off into step mother bashing.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/11/2020 12:33
  1. your hatred of your SD is positively dripping from all your posts
  2. you don't like what you see on her Social? Then don't fucking look at it. In fact, I'd go so far as to say if you are unhappy with the content then you speak to your husband as he clearly hasn't explained internet safety to his child
  3. she could move in and you would have to accept it. She is your husband's child and, ultimately, his top priority.
switswooo · 05/11/2020 12:35

I have no desire whatsoever to be any kind of mothering figure to her

Why are you stalking her on social media then, as you’re clearly not friends with her on social media?

Original poster
TheHomelands2020 · 05/11/2020 12:36

She followed me, I followed back. Quite straightforward I’d say.

OP posts:
switswooo · 05/11/2020 12:38

Except you said ‘her social media is open’ which suggests you’re not following her but lurking. You’re backtracking OP.

Motherofthreequeens · 05/11/2020 12:38

@TheHomelands2020

I wish it could go back to the COVID points. This keeps veering off into step mother bashing.
Back to COVID points.

She’s legally entitled to see her father.
If your scared of catching COVID from her isolate yourself.

Kcar · 05/11/2020 12:39

If you don’t like what you’re seeing you can talk to your husband and unfollow her.

peboh · 05/11/2020 12:46

@TheHomelands2020

OK, I'll rewrite this as MIL wants to come to our house and she doesn't take any Covid precautions. I'm sure I'll get a very different response.

it seems MIL's are fair game on here but dare to criticise an almost adult step daughter. To me they are the same, family you inherit.

Oh for gods sake. She is his daughter, she is entitled to move between her parents household. If both her and her dad are okay with that, then you need to get with it.
Original poster
TheHomelands2020 · 05/11/2020 12:47

It is an open profile but as I follow her her reels pop up on the top of my screen? What’s the problem here? I have spoken to my husband about it.

OP posts:
FabbyChix · 05/11/2020 12:49

Not sure why you even mentioned she is sexually active, she is of a legal age, and young girls do post suggestive pictures they always have. You clearly look down your nose at her. Shame you havent found the time to be friends with the girl so you can join in her time she spends at yours.

You can easily have her over, you just stay 2m away from her the whole time and sterilise door handles and toilet flushes.

Cloverforever · 05/11/2020 12:58

@TheHomelands2020

I wish it could go back to the COVID points. This keeps veering off into step mother bashing.
This is not step mother bashing, particularly as some posters are step-mothers themselves. People are quite rightly calling out your appalling attitude towards your step daughter.

Much easier to blame it on step mother bashing than take the blame yourself OP, isn’t it?

Aragog · 05/11/2020 13:04

@TheHomelands2020

I wish it could go back to the COVID points. This keeps veering off into step mother bashing.
But you are the one that referred to them, right from your very first post.

They weren't relevant then, nor the continued posts about them.

If it was to show she wasn't SDing then it would have been easy enough to just state that SD is not SDing with her friends/boyfriend or at college rather than the various points about the number of boyfriends she has had, how old she was when she had sex, that she's on the pill, that she posts photographs in bed, etc. None of that was relevant but it was YOU who included it all. By adding those points you detracted the conversation away from Covid and it highlighted how you felt about your SD, a child you have known for 9 years and who should be your husband's priority then and now.

Aragog · 05/11/2020 13:08

And if it really just about Covid:

  • She is legally allowed to visit
  • Even children of ECV (which you say you are not) are to continue with school, etc (where there is no real SDing anyway) in this lockdown
  • as the adult, you have to take responsibility for your own risk - if that means SDing from DH and SD during the next month then that is what you have to do

FWIW I am CV and I am expected to be in school, teaching across the whole school so 270 pupils every week, with no SDing, masks, etc. No choice in that unless I want to hand my notice in. I am current not at work as it happens as I did catch Covid - almost certainly from school, most likely via a symptom free child. Its not great, but it is what it is.

LaceyBetty · 05/11/2020 13:10

@LaceyBetty thank you for the ‘poor thing’ comment I thought would come eventually. such stereotypical bullshit.

You can call it a stereotype all you want, but you didn't answer the question. Where would she go if her mum's partner took the same view as you?

aSofaNearYou · 05/11/2020 13:12

I wish it could go back to the COVID points. This keeps veering off into step mother bashing.

This is exactly why I said you would have been better off posting under Step Parenting. All these comments about how you are "clearly" trying to destroy your SDs character and "obviously" seething with slut shaming resentment for her, when in fact none of these things are clear or obvious at all, they are extreme extrapolation from posters predisposed to dislike anyone that in any way criticises a step child or their behaviour.

I would say it is clear and obvious that you mentioned her being sexually active because it is part of your concerns about her taking Covid seriously, and it has been massively picked on in comments, forcing you to keep talking about it. Far from a deliberate character assassination. It's also clear that you don't entirely approve of her being sexually active and don't generally worship the ground she worships on, but (shockingly) there are people out there that are aware that if you are polite to her, these feelings are not "appalling" or "disgusting" and are actually pretty normal and common.

The responses on this thread are becoming increasingly ridiculous and nasty, and very much fall into the category of being a character assassination of you, which is pretty ironic given that's what people are so convinced you are doing to your SD. Posters in AIBU do like an echo chamber no matter how little evidence there is to support what they're saying.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/11/2020 13:37

All of your comments read that you have no desire to fix the relationship with your husbands dd. As a result it is understandable she sees no benefit in respecting your needs.

Why would she when she believes you do not respect her needs? If you want her to be considerate of you, the behaviour change and apologies need to come from you and her father.

Instead you are right fighting that a child should be treated as an adult I find it vomit inducing you followed her to then berate her on a social media site. Instead have you thought to find a connection with her through it?

It’s really really not uncommon for teens of this sort of age to post things, which adults find shocking. It’s called pushing the boundaries, finding themselves and so forth.

It’s a shame you cannot see what you and her father could do to elicit a change and instead are wrapped up in right fighting. So lacking in empathy for a child.

yikesanotherbooboo · 05/11/2020 13:55

I'm a bit scared of catching COVID too but you can't expect your DSD to stop coming to her home . Lots of people are having to 'suck up' the risk ; all parents, nhs workers, teachers and ancillary school staff, university staff, child care providers, supermarket and food shop workers etc . Try to accept the risk and to take reasonable precautions but beyond that your DSD has every right to see her father.

switswooo · 05/11/2020 13:57

It is an open profile but as I follow her her reels pop up on the top of my screen? What’s the problem here?

Someone said stay off her social media, you said her social media is open. So that implies you're lurking on her profile because its open.

If you're following her, her social media being open or closed would not affect you, you would have access.

aSofaNearYou · 05/11/2020 13:59

@Mummyoflittledragon I've just read back every single of OPs comments on this thread and still can't find any evidence of ANY of the accusations that are being thrown at her. Every comment about her SD links directly to how she is concerned about the COVID risk, there isn't a single insult about SD. She describes disenganging (very common for step parents) and she says she normally goes away EOW to allow SD time with her dad. That is a perfectly acceptable and I would say quite high level of "respecting SDs needs". She doesn't say she has said anything to SD about her social media activity, just that it is how she knows she is sleeping over at her boyfriend's and that she doesn't personally approve.

I may sound like a broken record at this point but seriously, what is people's problem on this thread?? Nothing OP has said deserves the vilification she is receiving.