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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepdaughter and Covid

297 replies

TheHomelands2020 · 04/11/2020 13:25

I am probably going to get hammered for this but please hear me out first and put yourself in my shoes. I don't have the best relationship with my step daughter but we get on OK nothing has ever been said and we are polite to each other. When she was much younger she was really quite unpleasant but as she was a youngster and I believed much of it came from her mother I put up with it.

I've been with her dad about 10 years and he'd split from her mum about 2 years before that so she was very young when they split up.
I don't see her often. She spends EOW with her dad and I usually go to see friends so I rarely see her. Me and her dad are married.
She's 16 and sexually active with her new boyfriend. I know this because she posts videos and pics on Instagram that leave no doubt. None of my business I stay out of it as she's 16 it's not illegal and I'm not her mum. Her mum takes no notice of Covid precautions, had her own boyfriend to stay during the first lockdown thinks it doesn't apply to her. Step daughter is a hugger/kisser of friends as I think is quite normal for 16 year olds and has little respect for social distancing at work and college.

Obviously lockdown is looming and during the four weeks DH would usually see her two weekends. I can't go to friends and they can't go out. I'm an asthma sufferer and I know that she does nothing to protect herself while mixing with a great many people at college, work and at home. Also if I can't work I will only get SSP which I can't afford to do.

DH tells me that as she's under 18 he's entitled to have her over to stay. I say that's stretching the rule book. I totally agree a youngster could be disadvantaged by not seeing her dad but at 16 I'm sure she'd cope for four weeks! If I could move out I would and let them live together but I can't.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Kcar · 04/11/2020 14:00

She’s 16. She is legally permitted to move between households.

It’s not stretching anything. It’s literally the law as she is U18.

Like others, I don’t see the relevance of her sex life to this at all.

Original poster
TheHomelands2020 · 04/11/2020 14:01

No I'm not officially shielding, never have, I took myself away from them during first lockdown as we knew her mother had been ignoring all lockdown rules and I didn't want to catch it. I still don't.

She is sexually active, this is adult behaviour, she can't be a child in one rule book and an adult in another.

OP posts:
flaviaritt · 04/11/2020 14:02

I think you should stay off her social media, tbh. And yes, she is entitled to come to her dad’s.

Original poster
TheHomelands2020 · 04/11/2020 14:02

Her social media is open.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 04/11/2020 14:02

So as soon as she becomes sexually actively she loses the right to see her father as arranged? Did she know that was the deal?

switswooo · 04/11/2020 14:03

I can't be the only adult on the planet to think a just 16 year old shouldn't be shouting from the roof tops about her sexual activity, or maybe I'm just a prude.

Given you have zero input in her life as you are polite but distant with each other and leave the house to them EOW, her sexual activity is hers and her parents’ business.

I think you know you can manage this in the house, it sounds like you don’t want to and this is an excuse to not have her around for a month.

Kcar · 04/11/2020 14:03

Well, she can because the legal age of consent to sex is 16 and the rules about moving between parents apply to u18.

flaviaritt · 04/11/2020 14:04

Her social media is open.

Doesn’t mean you need to look at her pictures and then discuss them with strangers. Come on. Legally she is perfectly within her rights BOTH to be sexually active (none of your business) and to see her dad.

Aragog · 04/11/2020 14:04

I say that's stretching the rule book.

It's not stretching the rule book. It is simply the rule book - its allowed. She is allowed to move between her parent's homes and normal contact is allowed - that is a legal right.

Her sex life is irrelevant, especially as if she is at school she won't be social distancing anyway, not in any real sense.

switswooo · 04/11/2020 14:04

She is sexually active, this is adult behaviour, she can't be a child in one rule book and an adult in another.

He has responsibilities towards her until she is 18. You know that many times a court won’t allow a house to be sold in the event of a divorce until the youngest child is 18?

Mrsjayy · 04/11/2020 14:05

Unfollow her on social media and let the girl see her dad i don't know what her sex life has to do with anything .

Kcar · 04/11/2020 14:05

And you haven’t even been officially advised to shield!

Come on.

Milkshake7489 · 04/11/2020 14:05

It's not stretching the rules as she is not an adult (regardless of whether she is sexually active).

YABU to expect your DH to shirk his parental responsibilities. There is good reason that children are allowed to move between their parents households during lockdown, maybe ask a friend if you can lockdown with them for the duration instead?

Original poster
TheHomelands2020 · 04/11/2020 14:07

I've said it before and I'll repeat it - I don't care that she's sleeping with her boyfriend, I used this as an example to show that she's not being very careful about Covid precautions. He's the 4th boyfriend this year.

Her parents are clearly not bothered by it, so I am not. I just don't want to catch Covid and her being in our house is putting that at risk.

OP posts:
TicTacTwo · 04/11/2020 14:07

She is sexually active, this is adult behaviour, she can't be a child in one rule book and an adult in another.

Yes she can. At 16 she can't drive, drink, smoke or vote but the law says that she can consent to sex.

Kcar · 04/11/2020 14:07

@TheHomelands2020

I've said it before and I'll repeat it - I don't care that she's sleeping with her boyfriend, I used this as an example to show that she's not being very careful about Covid precautions. He's the 4th boyfriend this year.

Her parents are clearly not bothered by it, so I am not. I just don't want to catch Covid and her being in our house is putting that at risk.

Then you need to move somewhere else.

Your partner has obligations to his daughter.

EatPrayYoga · 04/11/2020 14:08

OP YANBU but your posts do read like you don't like SD and SMs get a hard time on Facebook

I can see how it is relevant that she is not being relevant as she is putting you at risk by behaving that way and then going to DHs

TicTacTwo · 04/11/2020 14:09

Can you self-isolate from them when she's here?

flaviaritt · 04/11/2020 14:09

Sorry, OP, her dad’s home is her home.

Original poster
TheHomelands2020 · 04/11/2020 14:09

OK, I'll rewrite this as MIL wants to come to our house and she doesn't take any Covid precautions. I'm sure I'll get a very different response.

it seems MIL's are fair game on here but dare to criticise an almost adult step daughter. To me they are the same, family you inherit.

OP posts:
switswooo · 04/11/2020 14:10

I've said it before and I'll repeat it - I don't care that she's sleeping with her boyfriend, I used this as an example to show that she's not being very careful about Covid precautions. He's the 4th boyfriend this year.

That’s not true, you see her sexual activity as a signal that she is no longer entitled to be treated like a child by her dad.

You said:

She is sexually active, this is adult behaviour, she can't be a child in one rule book and an adult in another.*

Bumble84 · 04/11/2020 14:10

I’m going to go against popular opinion and say I completely see where you are coming from op re being concerned having SD in your house. Yes it’s allowed within the rules of course and so you can’t stop it if your DH, SD and her mother are all in agreement. However I would not allow a friend into my home that had not been following SD and taking precautions even if it was allowed.

I suppose this is where the difficulties come with blended families as you have little control over her. As a minimum I would be expecting your DH to be having words with her about how seriously she is taking the virus and re her SD behaviour. You can also practice SD from her in the house if possible and maybe give her her own bathroom if possible?

Original poster
TheHomelands2020 · 04/11/2020 14:10

My HUSBAND also has obligations to his wife. He's not my partner.

I have never said her dad's home is not her home. YOu're putting words into my mouth now.

OP posts:
switswooo · 04/11/2020 14:11

OK, I'll rewrite this as MIL wants to come to our house and she doesn't take any Covid precautions. I'm sure I'll get a very different response.

Is your MIL 16? Confused

flaviaritt · 04/11/2020 14:12

I have never said her dad's home is not her home. YOu're putting words into my mouth now.

No, I’m not. I am just reminding you that you can’t stop her coming to her home.