Stepdaughter and Covid

[TheHomelands2020]

I am probably going to get hammered for this but please hear me out first and put yourself in my shoes. I don't have the best relationship with my step daughter but we get on OK nothing has ever been said and we are polite to each other. When she was much younger she was really quite unpleasant but as she was a youngster and I believed much of it came from her mother I put up with it.

I've been with her dad about 10 years and he'd split from her mum about 2 years before that so she was very young when they split up.
I don't see her often. She spends EOW with her dad and I usually go to see friends so I rarely see her. Me and her dad are married.
She's 16 and sexually active with her new boyfriend. I know this because she posts videos and pics on Instagram that leave no doubt. None of my business I stay out of it as she's 16 it's not illegal and I'm not her mum. Her mum takes no notice of Covid precautions, had her own boyfriend to stay during the first lockdown thinks it doesn't apply to her. Step daughter is a hugger/kisser of friends as I think is quite normal for 16 year olds and has little respect for social distancing at work and college.

Obviously lockdown is looming and during the four weeks DH would usually see her two weekends. I can't go to friends and they can't go out. I'm an asthma sufferer and I know that she does nothing to protect herself while mixing with a great many people at college, work and at home. Also if I can't work I will only get SSP which I can't afford to do.

DH tells me that as she's under 18 he's entitled to have her over to stay. I say that's stretching the rule book. I totally agree a youngster could be disadvantaged by not seeing her dad but at 16 I'm sure she'd cope for four weeks! If I could move out I would and let them live together but I can't.
AIBU?

I agree that it looks like your looking for excuses for your partner not to see his daughter, it’s 2 weekends during a 4 week lockdown, of course there’s a small risk but then many of us are making the same risks going to work or visiting a supermarket etc..

Advice is that children can still travel between both parents, my dd1 is 16 and will still be seeing her father every weekend, it’s not even crossed my mind that she shouldn’t.

Agree with majority of other posters. It is (or should be) classed as her home aswell as yours and dh's. The mil analogy doesn't work because of this. Its a shit situation to be in dont get me wrong. Id be annoyed at her lack of personal responsibility but there's not an awful lot you can really do if your her dads not on the same page as you.

Poor SD, you are not coming across well tbh and this goes deeper than COVID. You sound exactly how step mothers are portrayed in films! The fact that you’ve been married to this girls dad for 10 years (since she was 6) and you haven’t formed a decent relationship is sad. You don’t care for the girl but care enough to see that she’s having sex on socials

I'm disagreeing with everyone apparently, but I wouldn't have anyone in my home who is a hugger and not following the current advice. At 16 she is old enough to be told the reasons she can't come. You have asthma and are entitled to be safe in your own home.

what does your DH say about your financial fears if you have to have time off work or isolate?

YABVU. Okay, so you have asthma. So do a lot of people. You don’t need to shield now and you didn’t need to last time either.

You have no idea if she’s sexually active or not just because you saw them naked in bed. I was a virgin until I was married, in all areas, but I still got skin to skin close sometimes because it’s nice.

The reality is that of course you have no choice; you married a man with a child. She will always come before you and that’s the way it should be.

You have distanced yourself from her, always leaving when she stays, so of course you don’t have a good relationship. You should have been around more over the years and she would have gotten used to you, rather than take the easy way out and buggering off so you don’t have to deal with her and pretend she doesn’t exist.

but I wouldn't have anyone in my home who is a hugger and not following the current advice. At 16 she is old enough to be told the reasons she can't come.

By both parents, or just her dad?

Am just trying to work out why you feel the need to go stay with friends every time she's there.

I don't think you are being massively unreasonable tbh over the matter of only four weeks, especially if your husband isn't being sympathetic and apologetic about the risk he is putting you under. I know there is obviously a likelihood of her not listening but purely for the principle, is he planning on asking her to be more careful due to the risk she is bringing home?

I think you need to reframe your thinking - she is his 16 year old daughter - it is stretching the rulebook and is entirely allowed. It is also different from a MIL at it is also her house - a mother is very different to a child

Now you have a right to be slightly concerned as to the increased risk given she is a college student but her mixing is still allowed as part of the rules so she isnt doing anything wrong.

@TheHomelands2020

No I'm not officially shielding, never have, I took myself away from them during first lockdown as we knew her mother had been ignoring all lockdown rules and I didn't want to catch it. I still don't.

She is sexually active, this is adult behaviour, she can't be a child in one rule book and an adult in another.

Well, she can. Because the two things (having sex and being allowed to see both parents during lockdown) have different age limits. She is acting within the law on both of them.

All you can do is take precautions when she's with you, and ask your husband that she sticks to lockdown rules when she's at your home (i.e. no popping out to see boyfriend or friends). Unfortunately, what she does at her mum's home is her mum's responsibility to police.

Your options are either:

1. Gather evidence and phone the police (which I'd assume you won't be doing)
2. Move out for the duration of this lockdown
3. Put up and shut up, while taking the precautions you can

Sorry, this is a shit situation for everyone, but the simple fact is that she is legally old enough to have sex, and legally young enough to be able to see her dad during lockdown. End of, I'm afraid.

YABU op, I received an official shielding letter during the first lockdown as I am extremely high risk and I was at home with my Mum at the time. My younger siblings went to see my Dad on his contact days (as the law allowed), and I didn’t have a problem with that as you can’t expect children to no see their parents. I understand it’s a worry but just don’t go near her whilst she’s there, she’s 16 and his child.

I'm doing work on child protection right now.

She's a child by any legal definition whether you like it or not.

Lunar1 So you don’t hug your kids if you have any?

What if it’s not 4 weeks, but 6, 8, 12?

Is your DH worried your asthma puts you at increased risk?

This child has been in your life since she was 6. Your attitude towards her is so sad considering

I'm with you op, doesn't matter if its a stepchild or a sibling I wouldn't be happy with someone coming to stay who was a flouter. Yes she can't help college but if she continues to stay over at her various boyfriends and mix households I'd suggest to dh that she stays away until after lockdown.

But what difference does after lockdown make?

My DS is 16 and whilst he could go without seeing his dad for 4 weeks I certainly dont expect him too. It's a 40 min drive between me and his dad but we will still make it work, unless his dad or anyone in the family is clinically vulnerable, displaying symptoms or had a positive test i expect him to go as normal. I was heavily pregnant for the last lockdown so we tweaked it that he would stay longer and go less frequently to minimise the to and fro between households. But we certainly didn't stop contact and never considered it once we knew it was permitted

Of course she must visit her dad.

What's the difference between 4 weeks of lockdown (which will be extended) and 8 or 12 weeks? Will the risk have disappeared? How long do you propose she doesn't visit for?
You sound very unfamiliar with teenagers. Do you not have children yourself? The whole thing with teenagers is that they are developmentally between children and adults so it is normal and right that they are children but also learning to be an adult. What on earth are you doing checking her SM accounts? Most 16 year olds with a boyfriend/ girlfriend are sleeping with them nowadys and most are in close contact with their friends.
It's no wonder that you have a distant relationship; I expect she can tell that you don't like her.

Others have made this point, but you seem to be ignoring it.

My teen is sticking to social distancing as much as she can.
However, she spends 5 days a week in a large secondary school where social distancing is pretty much impossible. So even if your SD did nothing except go to school, she would already be a big infection risk. That has been the case since September and will continue to be the case unless schools closed. So I'd suggest you focus on whether you think this is too much or a risk for you, and ignore the rest.

OP I have to pick up on a previous posters observation that is important. where would this child be if say, her

mothers partner felt the same as you. then where would this child be? she is just as much your husbands responsibility as her mothers. end of.

If she's allowed to move between households, she should be responsible with that and limit her exposure/risk.

I wouldn't want her in my house either.

And I'd inform the school that she's posting sexually suggestive pictures on open social media.