To ask why so many women are in unhappy marriages?

[jennie0412]

Not victim blaming, a genuine question! It's overwhelming over on the relationships board how many women are utterly unhappy in their marriages. Why is this happening so much? it makes me not even want to try with relationships because I'm worried I'll end up being 23 married to a 47 year old bloke who won't touch me!

Are you 23 and planning a marriage to someone aged 47 with a limited interest in sex? Seriously it's like asking 'how long is a piece of string?'. Relationships change, people change, goal posts change. Nobody has a crystal ball.

My word ! Don't give up before you start! Just be fussy, only enter into a relationship with someone who's values are the and as yours. There's no the limits. Enjoy choosing meeting exploring and don't get her up on making someone else responsible for your happiness. That's your job .

I think when people get married they tend to ignore the other person's bad points because they are so loved up, and looking to build a future together having children etc.
It's only when you have been living together that you really get to know that person, and by then you may have a mortgage and children which make it hard to go separate ways, plus if you live with an abuser you actually think you can't live without them.

I stayed with my husband for too long because I thought I would not be able to manage financially. He was so far removed from the person I met by then, I could not stand him. Looking back, some of the signs were there such as the way he wanted to look after me when he really wanted to control me, but at the time I thought he was lovely.
He ended up behaving like he was my parent and criticised everything I did of my own accord. He stifled the life out of me.

I also think daily on these boards "wtf just leave him!" but life isn't that simple. Sometimes you are unhappy but you'd be more unhappy single or you just have inertia and can't be bothered. I'm personally not in a bad marriage but I am in other situations that are bad or could be better (eg, job, house, weight) and for me it's easier to complain about a situation than actually do something about it.

I think a lot boils down to money, security and safety.

If you think the relationships board here is bad never ever look at the ones on reddit or join women only groups on Facebook!

it makes me not even want to try with relationships because I'm worried I'll end up being 23 married to a 47 year old bloke who won't touch me!

Why on earth would this be a likely possibility?

@Nikori

I think a lot boils down to money, security and safety.

I think you have it in a nutshell, particularly when the woman is older and can't face leaving her home, or when the husband has control of all the money and the wife thinks she is not entitled to anything. Nothing is impossible.

Those of us that are happy aren't posting about it as it sounds like gloating, tempting fate or we just aren't on those boards as things are good

The relationships board is a slightly skewed sample, you do realise?!

money, security. Many of my friends in unhappy marriages gave up work to become sahms or have up careers for less stressful jobs to raise the kids. After 10-15 years, you just cannot walk into a well paid job. they just couldn't do it unless they are happy to make major lifestyle changes of go on benefits. I have a friend with a severely disabled child who want to split up and she wants 50/50 custody for their DS so she can work again but DH made it clear he won't have DC more then every other weekend if she files for divorce. so she is stuck.

Economic factors. Live somewhere you can afford on one income and make your own money.

Some women on MN simply can't afford to leave. If you can't afford to rent a tiny property in a area miles away from your children's school, then what option do you have. Assuming the husband is pleasant and not abbusive, just a tad stale? That seems to be common on MN.

Because most women I know are treated like crap and have a DH who is abusive at some level but its just so wide spread that they know if their marriage fails they'll likely just be alone (I'm sure someone will come along to say how great their DH is but this is genuinely my experience). Around half have had incidents of physical abuse spaced across the years and explained away, 2 financial abuse with the husband not contributing even equally to family life and the others emotional abuse with being called a cunt a regular feature. A friend had to call the police when her husband attacked her recently. These are people in public sector jobs predominantly. They stay because they are SAHMs, don't want to share custody of their child, because its all explained away and they are told by DH and family it isn't that bad or some other excuse. Many are on ADs to cope. I have a single friend who says the same as you - maybe she will stay single and childless because has yet to meet any genuinely happily married women. Actually the only one I have met is in a same sex marriage to a women who absolutely adores her and pulls her weight.

Many years ago I posted about being in a happy marriage. I was flamed and told that posting about being happily married when others aren’t was inappropriate.

I reported the thread and had it taken down.

People who are in happy marriages either don’t post here or when they do so few people reply that the threads slip down very quickly.

I think some unhappy marriages are because things are never discussed properly - I assumed DHs priorities were mine and also was brainwashed by societal expectations of a good wife /marriage.
Discuss everything. Always.

It's mostly about kids. Lots of women living in that space where the split of work, childcare and housework is nowhere near 50:50 but it's still less than if they were on their own.

My advice to you would be - get together with whoever you like, but make your life decisions - career, house buying - based on your own self interest. Ditch any bloke who wants you to move somewhere you'd be miserable, who wants you to compromise on your own career to help his, or who doesn't make an effort to get to know your friends. If he's a good sort he will support you. If not, no loss.

I’m very happy in my marriage.

To answer the question in your OP: because they had kids.

Children are the bars on the cage.

@Chamberlai I totally agree and unfortunately some men who seemed a good choice of partner radically change when children arrive. It seems they can’t cope with not having all the attention on them, and of course, a lot depends on their upbringing.
A good, but not always reliable indicator, is to look at the dynamics of the mans parents/family.

If you want security, make sure you have a career. Don't have children until you are financially secure, only have one child and always be prepared to walk away.

The moment you rely on someone, you make yourself vulnerable and open to abuse.

Grim but true

Blackcat has explained better than me but yes all true. My own reasons for being stuck are basically money and kids.

How old are you op? Are you dating a much older man?

And if a woman is in an unhappy marriage then it stands to reason so is the man.

I think you need to keep in mind that people only post when they’re unhappy; when someone does a positive post there are lots of people who come to say how happy they are.
I consider myself in a happy marriage but the division of labour since having DC has put a big strain on it and I actually didn’t expect that although perhaps I should have as there were some clues beforehand. It’s also much harder to leave once you have kids; both financially and because you want that family life for your DC so you stay longer than you might have otherwise

Scanning the relationships board for an assessment of women in relationships would be like scanning the insomnia board for a temperature read on the quality of people's sleep.