To ask why so many women are in unhappy marriages?

[jennie0412]

Not victim blaming, a genuine question! It's overwhelming over on the relationships board how many women are utterly unhappy in their marriages. Why is this happening so much? it makes me not even want to try with relationships because I'm worried I'll end up being 23 married to a 47 year old bloke who won't touch me!

I’d rather teach my DC that it’s ok to be unhappy, than move them to a poverty stricken area with violence and drug problems and all the risks that entails. If I could afford a decent house and lifestyle on my own I’d leave tomorrow. But I can’t. In this scenario you have to sacrifice yourself for your children. Safety comes before happiness.

Oh God @TigerBrite please dont pull that "sacrifice yourself for your children" crap. You can give them the gift of an unhappy childhood, that is your right. Just dont expect them to be grateful to you for it.

Really tigerbrite?

Because I stayed in an unhappy borderline abusive relationship for way too long and let.me tell you it really really fucked my kids heads up .

I've got to live with the damage that did them for the rest of my life.

My son has given me a lot of grief for it, ni way should he have been grateful ffs

Resentment. Then you get the ick.
Why do I stay ? Because it’s easier than causing a massive upset, divorce is expensive, I get to stay in my lovely home, his regular income and pension, my kids aren’t children of divorce like me, and because it’s too much effort.
There’s 10 years between me and DH, and that gap gets wider the older he gets.

@Porcupineinwaiting

Oh God *@TigerBrite* please dont pull that "sacrifice yourself for your children" crap. You can give them the gift of an unhappy childhood, that is your right. Just dont expect them to be grateful to you for it.

The thing is @Porcupineinwaiting, you actually have no idea if the children will definitively have a happier life once separated. Poverty makes for a harder and certainly comes with its stresses and unhappiness. Children will be able to compare before and after. Hols and no hols. Just getting by and putting food on the table and been able to have extras and fancier stuff. I suspect some children will be resentful of that. Plus the safety aspect of course, schools etc.. That can affect children a lot

(Also a reason why I think mothers should stay in the family home until the dcs have left home. Not always possible. Or the father might be a pain....)

@ghostmous3 an unhappy relationship isn’t the same as an abusive relationship.
And you don’t need to have an abusive relationship to want to leave

A small part of me thinks that you just don’t hear about happy marriages as much as unhappy ones.

Most of me thinks it’s because marriage is a crazy crazy idea which we’re just not suited to as humans. Think very carefully before you marry someone OP. There are so many other ways to live and have relationships too.

For those bemoaning poverty as reason to stay .i grew up extremely poor. Absolute poverty by today’s definition. They thing that fucked me up was my parents . The arguing, the resentment for each other, having nothing of material value was liberating in some ways. We need we locked the door. There was nothing to take.

Never .

If you’re going to have children together - which I think was the point of a recent post ? - then you should get married for financial protection.
But I wouldn’t get married again, it’s far easier to walk away when you’re not.

People talk about bad things.

I'm 35 and happily married to a lovely kind man who mostly pulls his weight at home, is good with the kids and works hard to contribute financially to the family. Most of my friends and family appear to be in similar positions. My parents have been happily married for 45 years.

A lot of women on here just seem to accept that they cannot earn well. I see so many posts on here from women whose partners earn double or treble what they do and they seem to just accept it as a fact of life.

Of course there will always be some people who cannot earn well because they have disabilities or children with disabilities but, in a lot of cases, women are choosing not to prioritise earning decent money themselves and it leaves them trapped in bad relationships often

The reasons are complex.

I have a career, but I was an unhappy teenagers -not my parents fault. I probably had depression that university made worse. Got a lovely boyfriend at university and we lived together for 4 years. Then I felt we were boring and playing at being married and wanted to feel excitement -a new job opportunity offered that -up North and he didn't want to move away from the area, his job etc and his family -who lived close by. So we split up and I moved up North and started living more like a uni student in my late 20s so should have grown up a bit. But I didn't.

Then I met a charmer. He charmed me. He abused me -scoring my sex technique out of 10 -always a joke -let's see if you can get above 8 tonight. But he abused me by stealth. He'd compliment me on my hair and the next day it would be up and he would say "why have you done that?" and made it all about me abusing him etc -it was awful. By the time we married - I was a shell and isolated from my friends. He reeled me in.

Years later after he hit me I left. It cost me a fortune to divorce him and I was broken and didn't realise. Straight on to the next one -who did similiar.

Three kids later I feel isolated even more but am finding my happy. Have I fucked my kids up? I hope not. But happy forever after is not the norm -as my counsellor says there are an awful lot of abusive men out there. A lot. They don't reveal themselves straight away -it's a game and you are the prey.

@HazelWong

A lot of women on here just seem to accept that they cannot earn well. I see so many posts on here from women whose partners earn double or treble what they do and they seem to just accept it as a fact of life.

Of course there will always be some people who cannot earn well because they have disabilities or children with disabilities but, in a lot of cases, women are choosing not to prioritise earning decent money themselves and it leaves them trapped in bad relationships often

A bit like how people here will say 'Women stop working after having children because men earn more than women." In fact, young women often outearn men. The fact that so many women give up or curtail their careers after having children that is one of the main reasons that women appear to earn less than men.

I haven't read any comments yet but I'll tell you why : unrealistic expectations.

@Savourysenorita

” unrealistic expectations.”

How so?
What do you mean by this?

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland, when I look at my parents, I’m not sure I would say they are happy. My dad has been depressed for years but never had any treatments.
My mum is a ball of anxiety and has been brushing over my dad’s behaviour for ever ‘because his childhood was crap’. If I was at her place, I wouldn’t tolerate a lot of his behaviours. Including my dad having an affair when I was a teen.
However, if you ask them, they would say they are happy, married 50 years etc....

So it makes me wonder... and I suspect it’s all down to expectations on what being happy in a relationship is.

@YouShouldLeave e. G expecting romance and the 'spark' after a decade of marriage to still be there. Expecting a man or woman to be 'everything' perfect wife / husband perfect mother/father perfect cook/mechanic/cleaner. Getting hung up on petty things. Not letting anything go. Very high standards. An elderly patient of mine with a successful marriage told me 'nobody's willing to put up with anything anymore' whilst the exception to this rule is abuse of any kind - I think she was right. Too much social media comparison. Too much 'life is too short - what are you teaching your kids about relationships?' I think we're teaching our kids this 'it you decide the grass is greener - trade up to another model and don't worry about the kids you leave in the aftermath' people divorce or split for some flimsy reasons nowadays. Marriage sometimes takes work and remember to appreciate what each other brings to the marriage. My marriage has been hard going at times. Many things Id be told to leave him for on here I can absolutely guarantee. But we're a good team - good parents- have a nice life and are financially secure. Is it romantic? Not particularly. Is it boring? Often. But would I rather leave him to experience romance complete domestic equality for example for someone riddled with other problems? No way. I'm very grateful for the content and stable relationship and family we have.

very. High standards

@Savourysenorita, what do you consider too high standards?

My experience: I started just like you described and learnt that I just got walked all over instead. Boundaries are essential in a relationship as well as compromises on BOTH sides. When the woman is always the one to compromise or too lower her boundaries/standards then imo it’s not acceptable. Unfortunately around me, this is whaat i see happening repeatidly

I wonder why there are so many. My colleagues don't have a good word to say about their husbands and complain frequently about them several times a week. It makes me extremely glad to be very happily unmarried.

I sometimes wonder whether the expectation that we should seek a lifelong partner (til death do us part) is actually helpful. Perhaps changing partners should be more akin to changing career - costly but perfectly possible.

I think it’s to do with societal expectation too - the whole “ideal” that is still held up of husband, 2.4 kids etc being the pinnacle of happiness if you’re female.
So young women pursue this dream but lack the life experience to spot the pitfalls until it’s too late...being encouraged to give up career to be a sahm for example can be lovely and make you feel cherished when loved up and you probably wouldn’t focus much on the career sacrifice. But if things turn bad down the line, you’ve built a trap for yourself and sacrificed financial independence.

Also in a bad marriage you’re quite likely to be ground down, lacking confidence, often co-dependent. It takes courage to leap into the unknown and optimism that life will get better. That’s really hard to find when you’re at your lowest so it seems easier to just stay.

I feel v sorry for these women. You see it a lot on the relationship board but also in real life.

@Abouttimemum

“Question for those with good men: do their fathers treat their mothers well?“

His father abused him and his mother, spent time in prison, then left when he was 10, his mother then spiralled into alcoholism and abandoned him at 12, and he lived on a variety of friends’ sofas and back gardens until 15, when he managed to get a factory job and they gave him a loan for a flat at 16.

He’s very much of the opinion that everyone has choices, he knows how to look after himself because he didn’t have any other option, and he’s grateful for what he has. He worked very hard to be the man he is today. He has absolutely no sympathy for people who moan about their lot but don’t do anything about it.
I remember the first year we were together and my parents bought him a Xmas gift and invited him for dinner, he cried and cried that someone could treat him so nicely. I admire him with everything I have.

That's made me tear up, well done him.

I think there is some confusion between live and happiness. You can be in a relationship with someone you don't love anymore but still quite happy. Because you enjoy the lifestyle that comes with them and you don't hate him, even sometimes like him.

You can be in a very abusive relationship with a man you love deeply.

In the end, most women stay with men when they deem their life with them still happier than what they think it would be without them, even if they are not experiencing complete happiness.