To ask why so many women are in unhappy marriages?

[jennie0412]

Not victim blaming, a genuine question! It's overwhelming over on the relationships board how many women are utterly unhappy in their marriages. Why is this happening so much? it makes me not even want to try with relationships because I'm worried I'll end up being 23 married to a 47 year old bloke who won't touch me!

In my experience it is not so black and white. Happiness and unhappiness are evolutionary. People I have known in long relationships and in my own experience have ribbons of both running through marital their timelines, and unless there is abuse or an inability to compromise on either side, unhappiness can become happiness but also vice versa.

People stay because they feel they can't go, or don't want to, or are scared, or because it simply does not occur to them to leave. They stay because they think the fallout of leaving would be too damaging. They put their perceived childrens happiness above their own.

Sometimes they are unhappy but despite that, see a future where happiness may be.

There are a million reasons. Each personal.

Some very honest posts.
Societal pressures account for a lot of it. Married Women are still regarded as worth more than unmarried women. Pressure to be married and have children. Society judging single women who have boyfriends but live alone.
Lots of bad fathers who are terrible role mdels. My last 2 exs had awful fathers. Both of my exs witnessed their father hitting their mother. One of the mothers would go and stay with his bit on the side if his wife dared to get angry back or put her foot down. No surprise then that my ex had cheated on his ex wife and after I left him I found out he had tried it on with a friend of mine and hit his ex wife and children. The other ex had grown up with a violent misogynistic father. Before we had children he did his fair share of housework and cooking. Then once we had children things changed. I became the nagging wife expecting him to pull his weight and parent our child. I gave up work as we both wanted our children to be looked after by a parent or relative and as our parents all worked the choices were nursery or one of us looking after them. My mum had worked full time and I believe it affected my relationship with her. I was brought up by my grandma and I loved her like a mother, still feel an overwhelming sadness writing this now that she has gone.
Anyway, I stayed with him because I had children and was married. If we hadn't got married and simply lived together and didn't have children I would have walked out years ago.
Having children does restrain you.
I was from a broken home as it was called then and I absolutely wanted to avoid that at all costs. My marriage wasn't unhappy so long as I did the majority of the grunt work and childcare. If my ex had been more helpful then it would have been better.
Anyhow I left. We had to move from a lovely home to a shittier one
My ex never quite seemed to forgive me, his relationship with the kids suffered. He didn't handle it well and sent all our children abusive messages about me. They no longer her speak to him, they regard my new husband as a father figure and adore him.
My husband grew up in a loving family with a blissfully happy mum and dad. He regarded his late father as his best friend. I have never had a relationship with anyone who loved his father as much as he did. I think that is crucial.
Crap fathers breed crap sons.
I've had to work hard with my dcs. My dd had said she will never forsake her career for her child, my son has said he will never have children. It's sad that families can no longer work together and do what is best for the family but with so many break ups everyone has to look out for themselves.

Loves DC, plays with them, takes them out for walks, changes nappies, reads to them, cooks for them sometimes, puts them in the bath, brushes their teeth, puts them to bed, etc

Id have Said that was meeting the bare minimum Standard rather than good.

And this is part of a wider problem. Just how low expectations of parenting are for men compared to that for women.

I agree @YouUnlockedTheGateAnd, that’s the bare minimum. Actually I would say, that for me, it’s nowhere near good enough anymore.

I expect more. I would expect a father to share RESPONSIBILITY. 50/50. That list is giving lip service to being a father.
I now have no respect for men who think that’s enough and expect lengthy praise for that. That’s not good enough.

(That’s also the reason why I’m unlikely to ever find a man ‘good enough’ according to my standards:(. Which is deeply sad first of all for the children btw)

Yes... atleast my case.

My marriage is dead more than a dodo. I was qualified once but I chose to leave everything for my kids, not sacrificed but chose.
I do not regret time with them at all yet regret the power I put in my husband to take care of us. Its difficult to mend something when you willfully surrendered all tools to someone else.

Would I advice my daughter to be a homemaker?.. I dont know.. she might get a normal man unlike my narcisist half. Its very difficult to chose, everything is a package.

Now I suffocate and like someone is strangling me and I am fighting for my life breath after breath. But I have no means to feed our dog ( leave alone kids/ mortgage etc)...I only do a minimal part time job which takes 3-4hrs a week and paid whats enough for Gas bills/ month and thats that.

Its lockdown now, so I am 24/7 with work and cooking and cleaning. Yet, I am trying to study 2-3hrs a week. I know its slow as a snail but may be in near future, I will have some ray of hope.

May be I won't be all financially sound but atleast get a job outside and escape H when kids are at school.

@Nikori

I think a lot boils down to money, security and safety.

Sorry meant to quote this message

Well there are exceptions but in general... Once people have been together a long time, had kids and mortgage etc, they get tired and grumpy and take each other for granted. Women may put on weight and stop shaving, men may stop going to the gym and start being patronising/rude/controlling. Both feel disatisfied as their hopes and dreams dissolve into a humdrum life similar to their parents instead of the exciting triumphs that movies and xfactor taught us to hope for. By thirties/forties the woman is usually in perimenopause and the man is wondering why his wife’s sex drive is so different. Both hope things will go back to how they used to be but neither do much to make that happen. Etc.