To ask why so many women are in unhappy marriages?

[jennie0412]

Not victim blaming, a genuine question! It's overwhelming over on the relationships board how many women are utterly unhappy in their marriages. Why is this happening so much? it makes me not even want to try with relationships because I'm worried I'll end up being 23 married to a 47 year old bloke who won't touch me!

I doubt it’s just about wanting to maintain their lifestyle. Many women see the reality of single motherhood and it’s scary. For every woman who feels free and happier, there must be others like me who deeply regret it. I was happier in an emotionally neglectful but not too bad marriage than I am now. Twice the work, half the fun, no sex and no support. Not to mention so frigging isolated during lockdown.

But I do think it’s important that women try to leave abusive men of course.

Plus the pain of knowing your dc and the man you love all cosying up together with a new woman while you’re alone in the home you made, missing them and feeling that your life’s irreparably broken. Yes I know that sounds ridiculous but that’s how it feels sometimes.

I think many people can be unhappy in their R/L but not all the time .So maybe they go through a bad patch and post on here about it .Then things get better for a while and so on .Women are still at a disadvantage though ,as many work P/T ,or are SAHMs with children and like to be around for pick ups ,After School Clubs and so on.Problems with Childcare ,getting F/T well paid work and so on ,often prevent them from leaving ,and so they stay .Society seems to still see us as Carers more than men who seem to be able to up and leave as soon as the going gets tough!

• children and not wanting to “break up the family”
• money: inability to finance their lives independently or needing to downgrade lifestyle
• fear of societal judgement over divorce
• fear of losing friendship groups and networks
• fear of being a single patient, both the social taboo and the increased workload
• the nagging sense that this is probably as good as it gets and not wanting to face bring “out there” again

I would say those, alone or in combination, account for most of the women who don’t leave their marriages.

None of these is insurmountable but you can understand people not wanting to face them until they really have to...

@Sorryusernamealreadyexists

The vast majority of the woman I know in unhappy, unhealthy marriages stay because they have no financial independence OR don’t want to live a life they aren’t accustomed to ie be a single mum with limited income or live on benefits. Most of the time they’ll put up with vile behaviour and cheating, but want to keep up appearances

I’m not sure keeping the lifestyle is the reason tbh, not in a ‘I want to keep going on hols twice a year and buy expensive clothes’ type of things.

But I know that looking at my dcs lifestyle has been Part of the equation. As in leaving meant me on benefit, no money and them becoming my carers. Whereas staying means them having a childhood/teenage hood, nice lifestyle not restricted by money and the ability to stay at their private school.
So yes lifestyle But that’s not MY lifestyle iyswim

So yes lifestyle But that’s not MY lifestyle iyswim
Yes I meant DCs lifestyle not mine. A nice privately owned house in a respectable low-crime area where neighbours are in employment and not on drugs. Hobbies like music and dance etc. I grew up in the sort of area I’d end up living in as a single mum, and I would go through hell to protect my DC from that experience.

Statistics show, pretty consistently, that levels of happiness rise for men after marriage, but remain the same or even decline for women. Which, of course, is precisely the opposite of what women are told.

I think it's easy to see why this is so. Marriage is simply a better deal for (most) men than it is for women. A man gets a partner who will do most of the emotional and practical labour and gets the stability and social status of marriage. In return, many women get very little. Which is why single women are consistently happier than their married sisters, but the opposite is true for men. Go figure, as the Yanks say.

Single women also live longer than married women. Whereas married men live longer Than single men.

I’ve often used that to show to DH the impact of marriage on women and how this is to the advantage of men. He has never been happy about that (nor have any other men I know for that matter....)

@Meuniere

Single women also live longer than married women. Whereas married men live longer Than single men.

I’ve often used that to show to DH the impact of marriage on women and how this is to the advantage of men. He has never been happy about that (nor have any other men I know for that matter....)

It's funny, isn't it?

Women/girls are sold the idea of marriage as the ultimate goal, and words to describe unmarried women - like 'spinster' and 'old maid' - are quite derogatory. By contrast, married men are often described as being 'tied down' by the 'ball and chain', with words like 'bachelor' - with its implication of freedom - to describe single men.

And yet, actual stats show that marriage is good for men and bad for women. Funny that.

Statistics show, pretty consistently, that levels of happiness rise for men after marriage, but remain the same or even decline for women.

Well, people to get less happy from young adulthood to middle age, but that is common for all. Rauch’s Happiness Curve studies. His book compiled numerous studies and discovered that levels of happiness rise from childhood to a peak in late 20s/early 30s and then decline to its lowest point in mid/late 40s and then rises again from age 50 to end of life......for everyone. Men and women. Married or not.

Additional studies done into happiness of married people versus single people found that married people were happier. However, they also found that unmarried people in long term relationships were just as happy as married couples. This study was done in the U.K. too.
www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2017/12/171219110035.htm

Single women also live longer than married women

I think it’s “single and childless women live longer than married women with children”
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/may/25/women-happier-without-children-or-a-spouse-happiness-expert

It’s probably the children that cause lower life expectancy because women still do die in childbirth rather than marriage.

It’s probably the children that cause lower life expectancy because women still do die in childbirth rather than marriage.

The risk of dying in childbirth in the UK is 1 in 7000.

That's of no statistical significant whatsoever.

Well, people to get less happy from young adulthood to middle age, but that is common for all. Rauch’s Happiness Curve studies. His book compiled numerous studies and discovered that levels of happiness rise from childhood to a peak in late 20s/early 30s and then decline to its lowest point in mid/late 40s and then rises again from age 50 to end of life......for everyone. Men and women. Married or not.

The link you yourself posted suggests that marriage is a good deal for men but not for women.

*“We do have some good longitudinal data following the same people over time, but I am going to do a massive disservice to that science and just say: if you’re a man, you should probably get married; if you’re a woman, don’t bother.”

Men benefited from marriage because they “calmed down”, he said. “You take less risks, you earn more money at work, and you live a little longer. She, on the other hand, has to put up with that, and dies sooner than if she never married. The healthiest and happiest population subgroup are women who never married or had children,” he said.*

actual stats show that marriage is good for men and bad for women

Well, depends on if you are a mother or not. Married mothers tend to be happier than unmarried mothers per “Does Lone Motherhood Decrease Women’s Happiness? Evidence from Qualitative and Quantitative Research”

“Our quantitative evidence shows that, although the general level of happiness among unmarried women is lower than among their married counterparts, raising a child does not have a negative impact on their happiness.”
link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10902-013-9486-z

@IcedPurple

Well, people to get less happy from young adulthood to middle age, but that is common for all. Rauch’s Happiness Curve studies. His book compiled numerous studies and discovered that levels of happiness rise from childhood to a peak in late 20s/early 30s and then decline to its lowest point in mid/late 40s and then rises again from age 50 to end of life......for everyone. Men and women. Married or not.

The link you yourself posted suggests that marriage is a good deal for men but not for women.

*“We do have some good longitudinal data following the same people over time, but I am going to do a massive disservice to that science and just say: if you’re a man, you should probably get married; if you’re a woman, don’t bother.”

Men benefited from marriage because they “calmed down”, he said. “You take less risks, you earn more money at work, and you live a little longer. She, on the other hand, has to put up with that, and dies sooner than if she never married. The healthiest and happiest population subgroup are women who never married or had children,” he said.*

Yes, but you are spectacularly missing my point. It’s not that all married women are less happy than all single women. It’s “...unmarried and childless women are the happiest subgroup in the population. And they are more likely to live longer than their married and child-rearing peers, according to a leading expert in happiness.”

Can’t make it any clearer. To be happier you must be both single AND childless because unmarried mothers are less happy than married mothers.

Op, the main reasons are money and children. A lot of families can’t afford to fund two separate houses and lifestyles for their children. A separation for a lot of families would mean a significant drop in living standards and housing, and a lot of women (and men) are not prepared to let that happen to their children unless there is no alternative. Aside from money some parents think it is always better for their kids for them to stay together and a separation would risk one parent losing custody, or at least a lot less time with their kids.

If you want to protect yourself completely from this possibility either marry rich, get yourself a well paid career (that let’s you go part time) or don’t have kids.

@IcedPurple

It’s probably the children that cause lower life expectancy because women still do die in childbirth rather than marriage.

The risk of dying in childbirth in the UK is 1 in 7000.

That's of no statistical significant whatsoever.

Sure it is. 1 in 7000 is still a lot of deaths every year extra that childless women as a subgroup do not experience. I take it you are not familiar with how life expectancy is calculated.

at the risk of stating the obvious, it's mostly (not always) about money.

even if you're relatively well off divorce could easily mean the proceeds of a 4-5 bedroom house being used to buy two places that are smaller and maybe also less salubrious.

if you're not well off, it could easily mean sliding into at least relative poverty.

Sure it is. 1 in 7000 is still a lot of deaths every year extra that childless women as a subgroup do not experience. I take it you are not familiar with how life expectancy is calculated.

Don't be daft. 1 in 7000 is certainly not a 'lot of deaths each year'. It's a statistically minute number. Your chances of dying in childbirth in Britain are miniscule, and certainly not enough to impact life expectancy figures. Plus, almost half of births in the UK are outside of marriage, so quite a few single women will be having children and running the same (negligible) risk of dying in childbirth as married mothers.

Yes, but you are spectacularly missing my point. It’s not that all married women are less happy than all single women

Of course not all married women are less happy than single women. But as a demographic, they are generally less happy.

This study, done on post-menopausal women - so unlikely to be mothers of young children - suggests that marriage has negative effects on women's health.

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-single/201702/women-who-stay-single-or-get-divorced-are-healthiest

Lockdown has proven that my husband and I are poles apart regarding what we want in life.

Why don't we split up? Fear of being alone, and having to deal with everything by myself, really. I need to get brave.

even if you're relatively well off divorce could easily mean the proceeds of a 4-5 bedroom house being used to buy two places that are smaller
DH earns treble what I’d earn, so his half of our house plus mortgage would probably get him a new build 3 bed semi in an acceptable area. But I’d be looking at swapping a 4 bed detached for a 2 bed ex council house in an area with drug problems. Not somewhere I want to take my DC. I stay because I want my DC to live in a nice safe area.

Because most men are pigs. Because most women are needy and will put up with Crap. I think the only truly happy, liberated woman is a single one.

Because most men are pigs. Because most women are needy and will put up with Crap. I think the only truly happy, liberated woman is a single one.

If only most women agreed with you...

In my case it is because our DD is equally close to both of us and neither of us could bear not to live with her 7 days a week. It is a very difficult situation. With regards to why I got together with someone unsuited to me in the first place... lust, low self esteem, mentally abusive relationship with my father. Looking forward to my 50s when I will eventually try to find a healthier relationship with someone who is a better fit.

@TigerBrite

even if you're relatively well off divorce could easily mean the proceeds of a 4-5 bedroom house being used to buy two places that are smaller DH earns treble what I’d earn, so his half of our house plus mortgage would probably get him a new build 3 bed semi in an acceptable area. But I’d be looking at swapping a 4 bed detached for a 2 bed ex council house in an area with drug problems. Not somewhere I want to take my DC. I stay because I want my DC to live in a nice safe area.

My friend stayed in an unhappy marriage. He said to me his kids didn't even know they were unhappy. They'd a good life together. They just didn't love each other.

25 years later. He's stilll with his wife. The kids were truly and utterly fucked up. From their unhappy marriage. To be true. They didn't argue. They just didn't love each other. But now both kids (they aren't now. They are 30's). Are also in very unhappy relationships. Because they were brought U.K. to believe it's ok to stay unhappy.

It is hard. But kids can read you very well. Those who are unhappy but stay for the kids. Teach their children that it's ok to be unhappy.