To ask why so many women are in unhappy marriages?

[jennie0412]

Not victim blaming, a genuine question! It's overwhelming over on the relationships board how many women are utterly unhappy in their marriages. Why is this happening so much? it makes me not even want to try with relationships because I'm worried I'll end up being 23 married to a 47 year old bloke who won't touch me!

@osirus I'm sure thats true in some cases but so often it seems not to be. Psychotherapists often say that if we had negative experiences as a young child then the same behaviour or treatment can feel familiar or recognized as love in adulthood even when its abusive.

Kudos to you for escaping that trap, I don't think its the norm though.

Question for those with good men: do their fathers treat their mothers well?

Not for my dh. His parents remain married and committed but his father is a grump and hard to live with and his mum tolerates that but it's quite developed into quite a tense dance of passive aggression. My DH is nothing like that, nor would I humour it.

I have a really wonderful father and my parents have a great marriage and I think that experience meant that I knew a good thing when I saw it. I am aware that I never tolerated any disrespectful behavior in boyfriends even in my teens, I believe I have my father to thank for that as he modelled for me what a good partner should be.

Yes same here. I was born in the 60s, my father was hands on and involved, did an equal share of the housework and I never saw him being less than respectful towards my mother.

We’re happy and a lot of our friends have very successful, happy marriages too. A couple of friends have had rocky relationships and yet to find the one. I’d say we know more happy, stable couples than not.

I agree, people only post when they’re unhappy.

I’m not sure a title ‘AIBU to gloat about my happy marriage’ would gather much support.

I lived with DH for many years before we got married, so there’s nothing I don’t know about him. And i wouldn’t have had a kid with him if I thought for one second he wouldn’t be up all night with me changing nappies and doing feeds. Also I have my own career and while we are a ‘one pot’ family when it comes to finances, I don’t rely on him.

I'm with @Meuniere, my experience is that the women that are happy are generally in what I would call a traditional relationship where the woman does all the wifework and the man goes to work and is 'head' of the household.

The other group that seem to do well are when the woman has a good well paid job and therefore has a voice. It still seems to me that if you are financially independant and could up and leave if you wanted you have more control and the relationship is more equal.

There are so many threads on here where women complain about their relationships but don't seem to want to do anything about changing them. I can only guess that they don't want to rock the boat and their partner to leave them?

I think so many women focus on the wedding they forget that it’s actually about a marriage and not an Instagram perfect wedding day. I’ve been married 25 years. I couldn’t be happier. We’re best mates, we respect each other and are kind to each other. I know I’m lucky and I’m grateful for the life I have. Life is too short to stay with someone that makes you miserable.

There must be many men who are in unhappy marriages too. I can't imagine that women are unhappy and their husbands are in ignorance and blissfully happy.

I think the fundamental problem is that people often marry because they are carried away and blinded by love. I don't think love, by itself, is enough to get you through a lifetime together. I think you do need similar views and/or attutudes regarding the most important things in life.

Looking back, I am very fortunate, to have married someone with whom I have grown at a similar rate. I don't think we really knew each other when we married. It was a romantic decision as we couldn't bear to be apart. It just happened to work out very well for us (but it could have been so different).

Well, we are 26yrs married and happy. I’ve always been the primary earner/breadwinner. DH was primary child carer when they were young because his job didn’t have the travel and antisocial hours mine did. His job is also public sector so while being just as worthwhile and hard as mine, it pays less but had better family friendly policy. Which we took full advantage of.

Now the DCs are 3 adults and only 1 child left, so we are both just partners doing our fair share towards getting them through university and full independence.
We don’t have a head of household. DH and I always discuss together and we usually come up with a third different better solution than what we individually were thinking. We do a lot of talking!

“Question for those with good men: do their fathers treat their mothers well?“

His father abused him and his mother, spent time in prison, then left when he was 10, his mother then spiralled into alcoholism and abandoned him at 12, and he lived on a variety of friends’ sofas and back gardens until 15, when he managed to get a factory job and they gave him a loan for a flat at 16.

He’s very much of the opinion that everyone has choices, he knows how to look after himself because he didn’t have any other option, and he’s grateful for what he has. He worked very hard to be the man he is today. He has absolutely no sympathy for people who moan about their lot but don’t do anything about it.
I remember the first year we were together and my parents bought him a Xmas gift and invited him for dinner, he cried and cried that someone could treat him so nicely. I admire him with everything I have.

@jenniferSantoro The obsession with the wedding totally baffles me but yes for many women its very important to them and its been the dream since childhood. I wasn't too fussed about my wedding it was lovely but very low key, I just wanted to be married to my husband. I think I always felt like my relationship was special (to me and DH) and private, I never wanted everyone gawking at us in what felt to me like a very personal moment.

“Question for those with good men: do their fathers treat their mothers well?“

N/A. My DH was an orphan raised by his single grandmother.

I think it's just life honestly. Except in cases of abuse or horrible behaviour, but if it's just meh or general unhappiness.

Yes many people are in unhappy marriages but many people are single and unhappy (the unhappiness may or may not be related to single status). Life isn't fun all the time.

So many times on here someone explains they are 50 with three kids and in a meh marriage, and the replies go "leave him and find a wonderful man who treasures you". That's very hard to find even when you are 21, cool, slim and free! Not that the person shouldn't leave if they want to, but the alternative to that marriage isn't an amazing dating life leading to a perfect relationship.

Sorry to go off on a tangent @Batlights, but it amazes me the amount of criticism women are subject to when planning weddings. In our case, we would have been perfectly happy to "elope" but both DPs and PILs would have been devastated had we not had a relatively large wedding and invited all the family to it.

Finding a suitable venue, organising the ceremony and rehearsals, liaising with the vicar, organising invitations and programmes, advising guests (many of whom seem to lose the ability to think for themselves and want your help with everything when you're at your busiest ) on travel and accommodation, making sure elderly guests are looked after and have somewhere comfortable to sit, accommodating everyone's dietary preferences, ensuring entertainment and highchairs/cots in rooms etc. for young children, organising babysitters, ensuring sufficient food and drink, organising transport and wet weather options in case of rain, organising bridesmaids, usher and best man gifts and accommodation, ensuring everything is going smoothly on the day while at the same time trying to look unstressed and "radiant" ....

Yet still you get threads on here saying, "AIBU to object to a child-free wedding" and "AIBU to not go to my sister's wedding because she won't invite my best friend".

Planning an event for a large number of people is not easy, especially when most women have no prior experience as event planners. While there is a valid argument that weddings nowadays are far too expensive and elaborate, the "Bridezilla" stereotype is very unfair imo. What it usually means is that the bride is doing most of the work and becoming stressed out and grumpy as a result...Good preparation for family life later on, then.

“Question for those with good men: do their fathers treat their mothers well?“

My DH’s dad was a good man, yes, and he and MIL had a strong and happy marriage until he died. It wasn’t without its ups and downs. I know MIL found him to be a bit of a stick in the mud in later years, as she was full of life and liked to travel, dance and enjoy cultural pursuits whereas he was a homebody. But he treated her respectfully and lovingly, always, and was a very hands-on family man. They were equal partners and I think DH did learn from that model.

Yes, my FIL has been an incredibly dedicated husband.

The men in DH's family are all very different, as are their partners, but one thing they have in common is they're all very uxorious- very much one women type men.

Suits me, I simply will not play second fiddle in a marriage. All these men you read about who have female best friends who they have to go and see for hours while their wife recovers from having their fourth child, or who still allow MIL to call the shots - they would last about a second with me.

My DH’s dad could be difficult and selfish but was generally OK when the chips were down.

Well I thought me and DH were happy/okay..but unbeknown to me he was having some kind of mental breakdown behind the scenes, he used drugs a handful of times and on one of those times it resulted in him cheating on me.
It was very 'out of character' for him. He's a fantastic Dad, but I do think he's found fatherhood a struggle as didn't have the best of role models himself and his parents relationship is still not particularly happy - so unfortunately I think a lot of inner turmoil and hurt, has bitten him on the bum and as a result, bitten our marriage too.

So yes, had you asked me 5 years ago if I was happy and had a good marriage, I'd have said yes...but sadly something changed, whether that was us/him/me, I don't know...but we are where we are for a reason....and if it wasn't for being able to get benefits to top up my wage (as was out of work for years raising our children, so my career took a back seat) then I'd have been stuck in a very toxic unhappy situation. Luckily we are in rented accommodation, so that's also made things easier as I can get help towards my living costs too.

Things aren't always black and white. People change. Mental health issues crop up. Happiness isn't a destination, it's a way of life.

Well I was lonely and unhappy in my marriage for the last couple of years of it once he has mentally checked out and now I'm lonely and unhappy single.

At least when I was married he took the bins out, cooked a few times a week and would sort out issues with the car. But now I'm doing all those things on less money and don't get to see my children every day.

I can see why people stay. I wouldn't have chosen this life.

It’s not always connected to being a Sahm. I have friends who work in professional jobs who are unhappy in their marriages.
They stay because they have children and want to try everything so as not to break up the family. Not many women want to be a single parent as a first choice. They try everything they can so their family can stay together.
Often, as a pp pointed out, they had no idea how bad the relationship was going to get and it often changes after after having children.

Question for those with good men: do their fathers treat their mothers well?

No my father is an absolutely vile bully. He bullied my mother, he physically and mentally abused me and my siblings.
It took me years early on in my marriage to realise that not all men were like that and that being married to a lovely man who treats me with nothing but love, respect and kindness, should be the norm.

For me, it's solely because of DC. I earn good money, DH has been unemployed for a year and showing no signs of ever going back to work again. He is severely depressed and refuses to seek help and our home is completely joyless, but I'm just about managing to pay the bills on my income - including 2 sets of school fees.

I would desperately like to divorce, but with DH not earning, the reality is that to run two households instead of one, me having to hand over half of my significant savings to DH as a marital asset, no maintenance possible due to his lack of earnings, as well as potentially having to pay him spousal maintenance, DC would have to leave their fantastic private school in which they are thriving.

I'm sacrificing my happiness for theirs and I'm OK with that.

Oi! Wtf has age got to do with it? I'm 25 married to a 47 year old bloke and I'm very happy in my marriage.

I'm not dating anyone and I'm not 23! I was meaning it more as an exaggeration of what the relationships board is mostly like! Sorry if I offended anyone

@Girlzroolz

Sometimes you can wait, be careful and fussy, do the work, have the therapy, face every relationship challenge with positivity and be firmly on a self-growth path, with very realistic expectations of what a long-term relationship can be like. You can have every person who knows you both sigh over how well-matched you are. You can even have the ‘perfect’ kid in the mix, and really think you’re set for a life full of companionship, teamwork, laughs, sex and joint goals.

Then one day he announces he’s changed his entire philosophy on life, sees great merit in a more religious and politically right-wing conservative life. Falls down a Men’s Rights internet rabbit-hole. Decides work is shit so quits. And bang, there goes your sexlife, any chance of balanced calm conversation, your financial future and any decent co-parenting aspirations. Your friends start pitying you, and your kid is embarrassed to have their friends over.

The shock and disbelief at how your life seemed to go to fuck overnight is unbelievably hard and paralysing.

Point being, sometimes there’s no ‘red flags’ at all. We are just all living so much longer that there’s more opportunity for people you knew well to do multiple ‘about-faces’. That’s my opinion, anyway.

If I was starting out again, I’d see relationships as 5 year contracts, with the option of extending another 5 years if both agree. And keep my finances far more seperate. Jump in with joy, jump out with no shame if things go bad.

This is what I'm afraid of that I'll meet a lovely person and we get along perfectly for years and then suddenly they decide to change everything they've ever believed in and I'm tied down to them, and while it's easy to say now that I'd walk out, I know and it's evident from the relationships board it's not ever that easy, if it was there wouldn't be any women in abusive marriages!