To ask why so many women are in unhappy marriages?

[jennie0412]

Not victim blaming, a genuine question! It's overwhelming over on the relationships board how many women are utterly unhappy in their marriages. Why is this happening so much? it makes me not even want to try with relationships because I'm worried I'll end up being 23 married to a 47 year old bloke who won't touch me!

So, you are worried on behalf of a completely theoretical person who theoretically thought that this board would be a good place to assess the benefits of marriage? Who would do that? Listen, theoretical person - don't get married if you need to canvass the opinions of strangers on the internet first.

“Question for those with good men: do their fathers treat their mothers well?“

My DHs parents are the classic 70s, dad goes to work all day every day then goes to the pub on his way home and spends most of his earnings leaving mum to do everything including work part time to top up the income. But no particular nastiness. DH has an aversion to housework as a result of this and his mother coddling him and doing everything for him. But its improved and we have a pretty balanced division of labour.

My dad was a nasty bastard to my mum and my mum didn't handle it well which made my childhood rather chaotic and tense. I make damn sure I dont allow any man to treat me poorly.

Emotional, psychological and financial abuse.

The silent killers. Women are told by their husbands he will fight for the kids as she wont be able to afford to fight, what society does not tell them is that if they report him for abuse to the police, they then get free legal support via legal aid.

Society unfortunately does not understand when a woman does not leave their abuser immediately they believe its not that bad, reality is they are brainwashed they are so psychologically abused they fear the actions that will fall upon them if they leave. Took me 18 months by then Id lost everyone.

@ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings

I think the question of why women stay in bad relationships and marriages is different to the question of how they get into them in the first place. For that answer I think you have to look at female socialisation. I've seen too many posts by women saying "we've been together for 2 months and he's slept with an escort", "we've had 3 dates and he's called me a bitch", "it's been 8 months and he's still only affectionate when he wants sex" etc, clearly not situations where the woman is trapped in any way by finance or children but they still aren't leaving. I think that women are raised to see the goal of dating as securing a long term relationship, rather than assessing their date for areas of campatibility. So they start dating someone, discover ways in which they are incompatible (or actively horrible) and instead of thinking "OK so let me find someone different who I actually get on with" they look for ways of "fixing" the bits that are wrong, either by trying to change their date, or by resigning themselves from day one to a life with a man who doesn't meet their needs. Because they've forgotten that from their POV that's what dating in the early days should be, finding someone who meets your needs. Instead they spend hours trying to figure out his needs so that they can tie themselves in knots meeting them in the hope that the relationship will progress to marriage, whether or not that would actually make them happy. I think this is because women's worth in society is still very much tied up in how "successful" we are in heterosexual love, with the highest goal being seen as finding a husband and having children. Basically more women need to realise that relationships have to work for them, that you can leave anyone at any time for any reason, and that being incompatible with someone is a sign you should move on rather than a hurdle to be overcome before living happily ever after. I wish every woman would write down a list of non negotiable things that she wants from a relationship, no matter how obscure, obvious, or numerous. If you only want to date men who are 6ft 5 and work in a bank and wear green on a Monday then that's your right. More realistically, if you need a lot of physical affection then don't compromise on that, if no drugs or alcohol is a deal breaker then don't compromise on that, if you want a partner who texts a lot and wants to speak on the phone often then that's fine, if you have a problem with porn and don't want him following scantily clad women on Instagram then that's 100% your right. Ditto for views on marriage, children, communication styles etc etc. Depending on what your criteria is you may or may not find someone, or it may take a lot of dates to meet him, but the point is to think honestly "what things would I be unhappy with/without in a relationship?" and then commit to choosing no man over the one who makes you unhappy. Of course this isn't fool proof. It doesn't stop life getting in the way, or people changing. It doesn't screen out the manipulators who just say what you want to hear. But if more women viewed dating as an exercise in centering their own needs and wants, for the advancement of their own personal happiness and fulfillment, rather than viewing relationships as something that's happening to them, where the man has all the voice and agency and their role is to be passive and stoical on the grand quest towards heterosexual marriage and family, then I personally think we'd see more happy relationships.

This was a great post thank you for replying

I'm tied down to them, and while it's easy to say now that I'd walk out, I know and it's evident from the relationships board it's not ever that easy

It is fairly easy to leave (unless you're in physical danger) if you've maintained your own earning power. I was a SAHM for a while so have nothing against them at all, but of course it puts you in a vulnerable position. Yes, it will affect the children (not necessarily adversely) but I think most people agree now that it absolutely not worth staying together for the sake of the children.

BTW, your example in your OP was quite bizarre - I have never seen anything like that scenario on the Relationships board! Affairs, doing nothing around the house, treating the mother as the default parent, spending a ridiculous amount of time on their hobby, yes. An older man losing interest in their much younger wife, not so much...

" Question for those with good men. Did your father treat your mother well"

no he really didnt. But you can learn from these things. Both my sister and I have married lovely men who are nothing like our father.

My dad treated my mother like shit growing up. Spending all the family money, running away, getting into debt, leaving her to deal with it and bring me up. They eventually got a divorce when I was 9 after my grandparents found out the extent of the shit he got my mum in, and offered her financial support to leave him.

All I know is that after seeing that I made damn sure my future DP was nothing like my dad. I was very lucky that I've found such a caring, clever and financially wise DP, I absolutely did not want to be in the same position as my mum, ever.

For reference, I'm in my 20s, and know women have much more freedom and choices now, but it's still very hard to leave a shit DP if you are connected financially or with kids. It's hard to move out on your own and be able to support yourself, never mind kids as well.

Thanks to those who answered my question, very interesting. Just to clarify, I meant did the man’s father treat his wife well (ie your fil).

@MsVestibule

I'm tied down to them, and while it's easy to say now that I'd walk out, I know and it's evident from the relationships board it's not ever that easy

It is fairly easy to leave (unless you're in physical danger) if you've maintained your own earning power. I was a SAHM for a while so have nothing against them at all, but of course it puts you in a vulnerable position. Yes, it will affect the children (not necessarily adversely) but I think most people agree now that it absolutely not worth staying together for the sake of the children.

BTW, your example in your OP was quite bizarre - I have never seen anything like that scenario on the Relationships board! Affairs, doing nothing around the house, treating the mother as the default parent, spending a ridiculous amount of time on their hobby, yes. An older man losing interest in their much younger wife, not so much...

if you've maintained your own earning power. I was a SAHM for a while so have nothing against them at all, but of course it puts you in a vulnerable position.

Absolutely this. I feel I fully supported my husband to progress in his career, by being out of work and focusing on raising our children..if he needed to do overtime, change hours/do work trips etc, I supported with the kids no issues as didn't have to juggle them around my own job.
But when I went back to part time work (due to childcare issues and lack of support I do rubbish hours) I'd only been back in part time work a couple of years when the prick cheated on me. It really scared me how financially vulnerable I was/am..I am now studying alongside working, so that I have a good career too...It shocked me how vulnerable I feel and how reliant I was on him

My dad was and is lovely and lovely to my mum.
However I chose a dick head.
Partly I didn't realise men could be quite so selfish, mean and nasty as my ex was. I thought it must have been me and I could change and he would change.
I was in fact too young and immature emotionally for a relationship.

My dad was, and is, great. I was born early 1950's and I know my dad helped a lot with me changing nappies etc.

My mum worked when me and my siblings were young. She worked evenings so she could be at home during the day and then dad would get home from work and take over. He cooked every weekday evening and cleared up until we were a bit older and helped.

He did his fair share of housework as well.

My DH's parents didn't really get on. FIL did nothing at home even though MIL worked. He said housework was for women!

DH is nothing like his dad. He said he grew up determined to be nothing like him. He also didn't really want to be like his mum in a lot of ways. They were both very racist and were outspoken about that. Also disliked Irish, Welsh, gay men and women. DH is the complete opposite.

His dad used to be quite nasty about DH doing housework. He called him a poof for hanging out washing!

Because my children love their daddy.

Be very picky when choosing a partner and ensure you are financially independent.

Too many have the “big day” without thinking of the actual commitment being made from some of the marriages I’ve witnessed.

Others stay as they want more children, don’t want to forgo the lifestyle, like the finances of a partner etc. I’d imagine men stay as they know they will end up with very little time with their children as mums are still favoured and I suspect more men than women have to split their assets in divorce.

Because my children love their daddy
This is the crux of it. If he’s a good father and not abusive, are you really going to deprive your kids of their father and their home, just because he’s a pain in the arse and you don’t fancy him any more?

There are a few reasons that are pretty complex but in short I think the main reasons are:

• children
• lack of financial independence
• female socialisation

Totally anecdotal but I have a friend who’s recently split from a useless cheating husband and taken the children and she said, contrary to her expectations, life has actually been so much easier because she now only has two children to look after rather than three. She doesn’t have to clean up after an adult as well as the children. And she also gets time to herself EOW, because her ex is actually forced to do some solo parenting (which he opted out of before).

I t’s not until I was married that I actually realised hw much partnership was a power struggle.
I naively assumed that he would automatically and always want to best for me, even if it meant making an effort/compromise/taking the rougher end of the deal. In reality, as other posters have mentioned, you have to be very clear about your boundaries and expectations and hold them tight if you don’t want to be walked all over.

Money comes into play in a big way there. Because unfortunately, money is power. Power in the relationship and power to leave too.
Too many people (men and women) are convinced that how much you earn is also how much you are worthy (see he is the min provider story that always dismiss the women income etc....)

@TigerBrite, could you describe what a good father looks like to you?

TigerBrite, could you describe what a good father looks like to you?
Loves DC, plays with them, takes them out for walks, changes nappies, reads to them, cooks for them sometimes, puts them in the bath, brushes their teeth, puts them to bed, etc. I just don’t love or fancy him any more, but it would be mean to deprive DC of a father just because I want a new boyfriend.

Sorry I’m asking not to question your decision (I’m in the same boat except my choice is down to my health) but because ive often been told that my DH is a great father and I shouldn’t ask/except more when Imo he is doing the bare minimum and does really win the father of the year medal - even if he is not neglectful, abusive etc...

I see Dh doing all that. I still thinks he pays lip service to being a father because being a father is also about looking aft the emotional need of his Dcs. It’s about taking responsibility.
Eg my dc has developed a rash on his leg, maybe eczema. Extremely hard to get a GP appointment so DH proposed to use the private health insurance he has with work. Says he will look at how to book a GP appointment. I still booked dc with the GP despite long wait.
3 weeks later, we’ve had the GP consultation but DH still hasn’t sorted out how to get the appointment with the health insurance....
So for me, him spending with the dcs is minimum parenting. The varnish in the top that makes it look not so bad but there is no feeling that he is responsible for the dc wellbeing which should be a minimum iyswim

I think women's time limit on having children is a factor. From my observations of friends ( I'm 51 now), many friends married at a time when they wanted children. About half have divorced now. Biological drive overtakes all else and relationships that could easily have fizzled out become the person they are wed to. It's a huge pressure.

@NoCauseRebel

Many years ago I posted about being in a happy marriage. I was flamed and told that posting about being happily married when others aren’t was inappropriate.

I reported the thread and had it taken down.

People who are in happy marriages either don’t post here or when they do so few people reply that the threads slip down very quickly.

I'm in a happy marriage, it wouldn't cross my mind to create a post to gloat about it tho. No wonder you got annihilated

People change over time, that’s part of the problem. Also, some relationships work until you add the stress of running a home together and having children.

I had an Aunt who advised me once that all women marry Mr Darsy, the man looks good, smells fresh and is in listening mode. Ten years on a woman wakes up one day and realizes Mr Darsy has turned into a real life pig. Snoring, belching and farting next to her in her bed, incapable of listening and incapable of supplying any support especially with children. Some men can be really good, but it is amazing how fast things can change...

The vast majority of the woman I know in unhappy, unhealthy marriages stay because they have no financial independence OR don’t want to live a life they aren’t accustomed to ie be a single mum with limited income or live on benefits. Most of the time they’ll put up with vile behaviour and cheating, but want to keep up appearances

Oh god

No idea

My friend was married. He left his wife for her. He had 3 children previously. They had 2 children. He then cheated on my friend. Met another woman. Had another 3 children with her. Then sleeping with an ex. Now all these woman fight over him. It's absurd. He doesn't see any of the kids. Probably trying to find a new woman. Makes me sick. He's disgusting inside and out. Yet my friend is madly in love with him! Why?!?

I'm happily married. Don't get me wrong. He drives me insane most of the time. Yet he tells me I'm beautiful every single day and has done for 15 years! He works. I spend. He's so generous. People hate it though. People get very jealous of others who are genuinely happy. I've come across it many times over the years. I spent years learning that others opinions don't count. But once I learnt it. I became happy. Not much gets me down.

The difference? We don't care. Nor do I flaunt it. I'm not on any social media. I don't post to anything.

Those that are happy rarely speak about it. Because we don't have to.

Only you can make yourself happy. You can control everything. You can't control how others behave. But you can control how you react to it. It's empowering.

Find someone. But the most important thing you can do is be happy and love yourself