To ask why so many women are in unhappy marriages?

[jennie0412]

Not victim blaming, a genuine question! It's overwhelming over on the relationships board how many women are utterly unhappy in their marriages. Why is this happening so much? it makes me not even want to try with relationships because I'm worried I'll end up being 23 married to a 47 year old bloke who won't touch me!

I'd never, ever marry an older man unless he was independently wealthy, otherwise it virtually guarantees that you end up nursing someone in their decreptitude while still going out to make ends meet, and years of widowhood.

But I found men my own age to be little boys. Barely mature enough to hold down a job. My DH is 8 yrs older than I am. I realise I may be nursing him in old age, but I may not be.

One of my friends is an 85yr old man who has been a widower for almost a decade. He nursed his 12yrs younger wife- pushing her in wheel chairs, washing her, spoon feeding her etc until she passed away at age 66 from breast cancer.

I recently celebrated my Silver Wedding Anniversary. I'd look like a smug arsehole if I posted about the joy he brings to my life. We are equal in all things and he has, as far as I know, been nothing but a great husband and father to our three children.The relationship board bears no resemblance to the vast majority of in my experience.

I think quite a lot of women are so desperate for children they just marry someone unsuitable so they can have them.

Also quite a few get married because of "accidental" pregnancies and even those who don't seem to get pregnant very quickly.

Couples need time together before having children as even the happiest marriage can be ruined by children.

It's the relationship board ,people are not going to post about their happy long-term relationships are they?

I don’t think it’s to do with a man completing you. More that most women do want children.

Children put an immense strain on the relationship. They need constant care when young. They're (adorable) little parasites that suck all your money and energy away.

It's difficult for both parents to maintain the freedoms they had pre-children, including freedom to work. For example, both DH and I worked in high-pressured, high-paying jobs pre-children where we'd be expected to work late with no notice (and by late, I mean 3am in the morning, not 7pm at night. 7pm was an early night). It would have been impossible for us both to maintain that post-children and would have meant DC only seeing their parents at weekends. Since he was earning more and I'd been on maternity leave, it was me who ended up "downgrading" my career.

I am now "default" carer for DC and, while I love them to pieces, I do sometimes resent it. I don't earn nearly as much as I did in my previous job, don't have the career excitement I used to have and have to leave work bang on the dot to collect DC. I don't have the flexibility I used to have. I have to bargain with my DH to come home early from work or arrange childcare if I want to go out at all during the week (he's pretty good about sharing weekends). It's me who does the lion's share of childcare, organising activities, cooking, bath and bedtime, purely because he's not here so much.

It works ok for us because we share finances and he helps at weekends. If I was doing all this and he got in from work at 5.30pm and sat his arse down on the sofa, expecting dinner and adoration for "going to work", and resented me spending "his" money, it would be a different story. And this happens quite a lot in relationships.

A bad marriage can grind you down. Chip away bit by bit.
I have a good friend who I've known for 12 years. Shd been married for 3 years by then. Her marriage struggling already. His drinking and selfishness, flirtations/affairs with other women.

The marriage survived and has survived 3 affairs - one serious where he did leave her. Unfortunately, she took him back. Again. Believing his false promises of it being a mistake and of course the suicide threats he made.

Earlier this year, it did look as if she would leave him. Lots of reasons. Of course, he eventually talked her round. She is now preparing to move away with him to start yet another 'new' life.

Away from her family, friends and even colleagues. Who put ideas in her head as we don't understand him.

They have no children. She earns good money.

What I'm saying is this: some women stay as they are so ground down. A manipulative coercive man also knows to temper this with over the top declarations of love, that they are soul mates, that outsiders don't understand their marriage.

She hasn't the strength to leave him. I think that's the truth for many.

We need to raise our kids to recognise coercive control for what it is. Sadly, being blinded by love can render anyone vulnerable to this behaviour.

Women still tend to be paid less than men and often are forced to go back to work PT at least for the four years before their child starts school. After four years out of FT work it can be tough to find a FT role again and quite often they still need hours to fit around the school run because they struggle to afford childcare.

I also think some women stay in unhappy marriages because it’s easier than leaving. We all want an easy life so it’s easier to just put up and shut up than leave and cause a major upheaval.

I don’t actually agree with that at all lyney, depending on the personalities it can actually be more difficult to adapt after children if as a couple you have had say a decade of regular sex, spontaneous weekends away, relatively high disposable income and so on, adapting to children is hard. If on the other hand you get on with it almost immediately, it’s the norm, it’s how life is.

People don't post about happy relationships because they get flamed when they do.

Other relationship forums that are more gender balanced show there are plenty of miserable men stuck in marriages too.

As people have said; people change, people hurt and betray, people refuse to communicate and compromise.

Oh and yeah, some women are ground down by the bastard they’re married to too or plainly just by life. They don’t have the self esteem or confidence to leave.

A good, but not always reliable indicator, is to look at the dynamics of the mans parents/family.
This X 100.
I would say it is an excellent indicator.
OP, do not listen to what people say. Listen to what they do. That is how they tell you who they are. Words and promises mean nothing.

I think most women stay for practical reasons. I'm not dreadfully unhappy but if I could do it again I would have married someone else. I stay because I prefer to pay a mortgage (and thus have security) on a family home instead of us both renting a shitty flat. I also couldn't stand to share custody and be away from my children for days at a time.

At the risk of generalising, I think many women want more from their relationships than their husbands do.
You get men who are essentially after comfort- nothing too demanding, a warm body in bed and around the house making things homely. They don't notice their wife wanting/needing more and becoming dissatisfied.
Or else they notice and become nasty to her because she's 'demanding' and 'needy'. This kind of bloke can get really unpleasant- it's her fault, she rocks the boat. They might jump ship for a younger model that will play ball again.

Money. Women can’t afford to leave and maintain their lifestyle. In many cases they earn less because their career has taken a back seat due to kids, and even if they have a salary, they can’t match the type of house and lifestyle that’s available with two salaries. As a mother you want to give your kids the best. You don’t want to take your kids to a smaller house in a worse area, where they’ll potentially end up mixing with dodgy people and god knows how that will end up. So you stay unhappily in your nice middle class family home and sacrifice your happiness for your kids.

Because it’s a forum where people come on to discuss problems and get advice.
Imagine how goady (and how little anyone would care) if I started a post about how good my marriage is?

I'm very happily married, but as PP have said, if you're happily married you don't have much to post about. I mean sometimes we piss each other off and all, but it's never anything major.

I don't know whether it's because I started out as a single parent before meeting DH, but never once in my life have I assumed I wasn't capable of something that falls under the umbrella of "basic adult skills". Apart from driving on motorways, but I'm going to get lessons in that.

I honestly don't understand when otherwise able women say they can't leave because they wouldn't be able to manage without their DH (who is clearly useless) that they wouldn't be able to manage their kids, finances etc. It's the same as when people go on about not being able to take their child out in public by themselves if DH wasn't there, etc etc. When you don't have a choice, you absolutely will have to cope and that's all there is to it. I'm actually so glad I had that experience of being on my own and on a tight budget, because it has basically removed all fear of being alone, and all dependence on a man. I absolutely adore DH and he improves my life immeasurably, but if he walked out tomorrow I have the utmost faith that I would cope and continue to build a good life for myself and DC.

I don't mean the above as a criticism of anybody btw, it's more that I just cannot get my head around it as I'm mentally coming from such a different place

(obviously it's different if health issues/SEN are present)

In very dead marriage here, for about 17 years.

We're not intellectually compatible.
Sex was always crap so I stopped it 10 years ago.
He's got zero interest in anything except sport and can't talk about anything other than sport.
He's lazy and after 22 years of asking for (simple) things to be done properly eg. empty dirty washing up water out of bowl/wipe down surfaces/wipe kitchen table after dinner/put a pillow case on etc. everything is done to such a poor standard that I have to go over it again.
However, I'm not going to leave cos we don't argue or have a row cos we actually hardly communicate with each other. I'm OK living as we do now cos it's just like being 2 people in same house and I'm not leaving my house cos I love it.

I’ve been married more than 30 years and the vast majority of my friends have also been in long marriages. Very few have split up. Every single one has had ups and downs.

Assuming that one half of the partnership isn’t a total ass hat (in which case LTB) then compromise, sitting out the hard times, supporting one another are all just a part of marriage. Seeking support from outside the marriage is also vital so long as it doesn’t stray into inappropriate grounds. My female friends are my lifeline sometimes.

Have separate lives and interests as well as shared ones. Discuss finances and make sure you are on the same page before you commit and be pretty bloody sure you have some compatibility in terms of sex.

My lesson endeth.

If I take my experience and make it a generality:

• because we live in a patriarcal society where men have no idea of how privileged they are and are acting entitled wo even releasing it. ‘Because that’s how things are’ or is didn’t realise that is such a pain to do’ etc...

• because Women have been raised to not make a fuss or expect the same than men. So women reduced their hours when they have a child as the norm for example but men don’t.

• because women are been judged negatively for the same behaviours men are praised for (not just childcare but attitude at work etc..l that allows them to progress career wise etc...)

• and because men have never thought about what life as a woman means because ‘we are all equal now’ is taken as ‘we have the same sort of life’. When we blantantly don’t.

The result is women who are trapped in a marriage where getting out is hard because they have little financial security. And where women doing it all at home and men showing them little respect is still the norm so saying enough is enough is HARD.

Just read the thread on MN to see how low the bar is to make a ‘good man’. I’ve had comments on how my DH is clearly a saint because 1- he does an activity with his Dcs and 2- i have a chronic illness... right.....
Unfortunately this also means that finding a man that isnt too much like this is hard work and you might have to face staying single instead.

I think there are a lot more happily married than you realise - we just have reason to post about it!

Honestly? Because most women are heterosexual. It's all very well saying you can leave a bad partner but most people want a relationship, most people are het, and on average society allows men to be a bit crap, so obviously most women are going to be with men who are not that great. The chances of meeting one of the men who overcome social conditioning are small and decrease as they get into and stay in relationships so even fewer are available. It's just statistics. You may be lucky, if not there are other things in life than relationships.

Have NO reason to post that should have said. Wouldn't come across kind bleating about how great things are when people are really struggling would it?

If I look at my friends and family the ones that seem to have happy and long marriages are the ones that chose not to have children.

Most with children are either divorced (quite a few more than once) or unhappy.

My sister has children who are grown up now and she and my BIL are happy but they waited 10 years before they had children so had plenty of time being just the 2 of them

Well at the moment, its probably because of this pandemic. Been stuck 24/7 with someone who you are having problems with.