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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad my mother is going to be a grandmother so late?

228 replies

NoMoreMrNiceGaius · 03/11/2020 22:51

Hello all, we have been actively trying for a baby for around 2 years but had to wait for 3-4 years before then for health reasons. Currently on 3rd IUI with hormones and feeling very down and fed up lately.

I have mostly come to terms with my own disappointment but lately I've been worrying about my mother. I'm 33 and she is almost 61. She lives in another country and because of Covid I haven't seen her in a year. Normally I see her at least twice a year.

She is my best friend and growing up I always imagined her constantly being there when I had a child/children. She was a teacher and loves kids and is really great with them. I always knew if I had children they were going to adore their grandma.

Now the reality is looking more like they are hardly going to get to know her, and by the time they are old enough to remember their memories, she is going to be close to 70, and she will definitely not be one of the energetic/fit 70 year olds.

I don't have siblings and she has no other grandchildren or other children in the family. She actually has very little family left at all where she lives.

AIBU to feel like I have stolen her best years of being a grandmother from her? To feel so sad and guilty that she will miss so many big moments, when their other grandparents will see them all the time? (And they already have 5 grandchildren) I deeply regret moving to another country and not thinking about how it would be for her when she gets older.

I'd love to hear any experiences, positive or negative, of people who had grandchildren after 65, or who live in another country and dont get to see them often.

What do you find easy or especially hard? Do you ever resent your children for you not being able to be more involved or not being a grandparent when you were younger? Would you ever tell your daughter/son if you did?

OP posts:
EnidMatilda · 03/11/2020 22:59

Can't give experiences of being a grandmother in my 60s but I've just given birth to my first child at 32. I've got two siblings, my partner has three siblings and our child is the first grandchild on both sides. Both sets of grandparents are in their 60s. Tbh I don't think that's particularly late, certainly it's not in the circles I mix with. People are having children late and therefore first time grandparents are older but of course people are living longer.

Although I understand where you are coming from, I would firmly put that feeling in the 'can't control it so don't worry about it' box. It hasn't worried me. As your mum lives in another country, I'd imagine the time you do spend together with be extra special and she will be keen to travel to see your little one. Good luck on your journey.

TheNewLook · 03/11/2020 23:03

I honestly thought you were going to say she was in her 80s.

61 is nothing.

37weekswithno2 · 03/11/2020 23:04

My mum is in her mid 60s, her oldest grandchild is 5 and youngest due in a couple of weeks. That's completely average in my circle tbh.

Good luck op Thanks

LouiseTrees · 03/11/2020 23:04

I am 33. My mother is 61. I had my child in November last year after multiple rounds of ivf and despite me and DH having siblings and step siblings it’s likely this will be their only grandchild all round. I have never thought like that. We didn’t ask to have fertility problems. Also you are acting like they don’t have memories before they are 9. I still remember my grandfather who died when I was 5. The guilt on moving so far away from her is a seperate issue from the age.

I have one friend who moved to Australia from the UK and had 2 kids. Her mum( pre Covid) would visit for 3 weeks once a year. I often though why did the mum not move but it turns out she was a carer for her mum (friends gran). Her mum has never guilted her and understands the quality of life she has there is a million times better than she would have had here.

Simbidian · 03/11/2020 23:06

My mother became a grandmother at 74. It didn't stop her having good relationships with all her grandchildren.

nogooddeedgoesunpunished · 03/11/2020 23:07

My mother began a very active grandmother to my child in her late 70's. She was having him a day a week right up until the first lockdown and they loved their time together. She had lots of friends on the same position. I don't think 60 is that old.

Ginfordinner · 03/11/2020 23:08

She's only 60. Goodness, I thought you said she was old Hmm

I'm 62, and DD is 20.

nokidshere · 03/11/2020 23:14

MIL was 80 when I had my first. She was an active part of their lives and babysat and took them out when they were younger. My boys grew up having a fantastic relationship with her until she died aged 97 when they were 17 and 15.

It might not be the same as having a younger grandparent but it's no less rewarding.

randomchap · 03/11/2020 23:14

Better to be a grandmother at 60 than one at 33.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 03/11/2020 23:15

No, that's fine. My Mum was well over 60 when she became a grandmother and she enjoyed it very much.

FlyNow · 03/11/2020 23:15

That's a perfectly normal age to become a grandparent isn't it? My mum first became a gp at 64 and she didn't think it was old at all.

In fact my gps were the same age and I had lots of great times with them. 61 is hardly one foot in the grave!

Leobynature · 03/11/2020 23:15

Good luck with your IUI and it will be an exciting time for you both when baby arrives regardless of your ages. You will find new and wonderful ways to include your mom in the upbringing of your children. My 2 year old is obsessed with my mom and she calls and FaceTimes her all the time despite seeing her regularly (she lives in walking distance). I am constantly on the phone talking about the children or asking my mom for advice, you will find her wisdom invaluable when your baby arrives. My mom is my best friend and one of the few people I can ramble on about DD too and she never gets bored. She also loves DD unconditionally and i am so lucky to have her. She is 60 soon but has more energy then me.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 03/11/2020 23:15

Mine didn't become a GM til she was 81! I do think it's a shame my daughter will barely know her (she lives a long way away and is in poor health) but it is what it is. She anyways said she didn't want grandchildren and wouldn't have helped out had she been younger so there might not have been that close a relationship anyway. Your mum's young. It'll be fine.

timetest · 03/11/2020 23:17

I’m in my sixties DGD is 3. I’m taking her swimming tomorrow then, weather permitting, it’s off to the park for us. It’s unusual to find a grandmother under 60 round here.

SarahAndQuack · 03/11/2020 23:19

@ginfordinner, the OP does also explain that her mother isn't very healthy or fit?

My MIL just turned 60, but because she has had a hard life, she looks like a woman of 80. That's some people's reality. When DD was a baby she couldn't lift her securely, and for long periods she's been unable to come to visit and meet her grandchild because she's been too unwell to travel. I can absolutely understand the OP wishing her mum were ina better state of health, as she was a few years ago. That's not a reflection on you as a healthy 62 year old.

AlexaShutUp · 03/11/2020 23:19

Confused She sounds like normal grandparent age to me?! Not old at all?

nokidshere · 03/11/2020 23:19

I meant to say my own mother became a grandma at the age of 42 and she is now 79 with 6 children, 13 grandchildren and 12 great grandchildren and she is only in contact with 4 of them. She hasn't seen my boys for 12yrs.

Being young doesn't necessarily translate to better relationships.

OhTheRoses · 03/11/2020 23:21
Confused I'm 60; DC are 25 and 22. I still work full time in a high pressure job. Can drive fast cars and boats, etc. I hope DC have oodles of fun in the next 10 years and then turn me into a healthy and adoring grandmother.

Grips for sale - this way.

You do realise your post is a little offensive don't you op?

Patienceisvirtuous · 03/11/2020 23:22

Had my DS at 39. My parents were 66 and 68. DS is now 3 and they’re >70.

They’re active, loving grandparents who my DS adores. Try not to worry about what can’t be changed and just appreciate the joy in things as they are...

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 03/11/2020 23:23

I'd be horrified to become a grandma any earlier than my 60s!

elp30 · 03/11/2020 23:27

@timetest

I’m in my sixties DGD is 3. I’m taking her swimming tomorrow then, weather permitting, it’s off to the park for us. It’s unusual to find a grandmother under 60 round here.

I became a mother at age 21 and I became a grandmother at age 41, nearly 42. I'm 50 now and I have an eight-year-old granddaughter and four-year-old twin grandsons.

I would have preferred to have been in my 60's when they came along. My youngest child was only 11 and I was too busy with my own children and our priorities (working, school runs, etc...) to spend as much time with my grandchildren as I had hoped.

Embracelife · 03/11/2020 23:30

You havent "stolen" anything.
Dont take on any more guilt.
It is what it is.
You dont owe anyone grandchildren.
Is this,something she has expressed or is it all in your head that you are disappointing her?

GreenClock · 03/11/2020 23:32

Early sixties is a good age to become a grandparent. However, I infer from your post that she’s not super healthy, so I can see why you’re disappointed that it didn’t happen sooner.

You seem very fed up OP - I hope you’re ok and have plenty of moral support. It can’t be easy undergoing fertility treatment during a pandemic when your mum is elsewhere.

Knittingnanny · 03/11/2020 23:33

It’s not the age that will make the difference at all. The living in different countries will. I’m 64, 4 grandchildren in this country 5 minutes away. My other 5 ( 1-8 years ) were born and live overseas, 8 hours flight away and 15 hours flight away. Apart from this year, I see them once, occasionally twice, a year for a week or two. My relationship with them is completely different to that of the local ones. We do FaceTime but it’s only the eldest that can really engage.
I’m sorry if that isn’t what you wanted to hear but it’s just the way it is. It’s hard but I’ve come to terms with it and accept it’s what my adult children have chosen and I have to respect it.
By the way, I will never let them know it’s hard for me!
Hope it all works out for you all.

saraclara · 03/11/2020 23:34

@TheNewLook

I honestly thought you were going to say she was in her 80s.

61 is nothing.

I became a grandmother at 64. It's hardly unusual as people are having children later in life than they used to. When I had my daughter at 31 in the mid 80s, I was the oldest in my ante natal group. Now 31 is positively young to have kids.

You have nothing to feel guilty about, fertility problems or not.