To feel sad my mother is going to be a grandmother so late?

[NoMoreMrNiceGaius]

Hello all, we have been actively trying for a baby for around 2 years but had to wait for 3-4 years before then for health reasons. Currently on 3rd IUI with hormones and feeling very down and fed up lately.

I have mostly come to terms with my own disappointment but lately I've been worrying about my mother. I'm 33 and she is almost 61. She lives in another country and because of Covid I haven't seen her in a year. Normally I see her at least twice a year.

She is my best friend and growing up I always imagined her constantly being there when I had a child/children. She was a teacher and loves kids and is really great with them. I always knew if I had children they were going to adore their grandma.

Now the reality is looking more like they are hardly going to get to know her, and by the time they are old enough to remember their memories, she is going to be close to 70, and she will definitely not be one of the energetic/fit 70 year olds.

I don't have siblings and she has no other grandchildren or other children in the family. She actually has very little family left at all where she lives.

AIBU to feel like I have stolen her best years of being a grandmother from her? To feel so sad and guilty that she will miss so many big moments, when their other grandparents will see them all the time? (And they already have 5 grandchildren) I deeply regret moving to another country and not thinking about how it would be for her when she gets older.

I'd love to hear any experiences, positive or negative, of people who had grandchildren after 65, or who live in another country and dont get to see them often.

What do you find easy or especially hard? Do you ever resent your children for you not being able to be more involved or not being a grandparent when you were younger? Would you ever tell your daughter/son if you did?

You don't have children to make your parent a grandparent, you have them because you want them

Do you come from a country where people have tended to have children relatively early? I live in eastern Germany and my in-laws' generation all had their children very young; my children (21/23) still have a really amazing and lovely great-grandmother. So expectations are quite different. (When I was born as a first child, my grandparents were 77, 69, 61 and 63.)

It is a shame that the kids haven't got to see their UK grandparents more often - and like you, I didn't really think about it before. And yes, it is slightly annoying when the in-laws get to see them all the time - when everyone is going on about it being a lovely family Christmas or whatever and you are supposed to feel happy, not sad. But life isn't perfect. I didn't see much of my dad or his family despite being in the same country, due to divorce and a long-distance move. My bf lived in the same country as his mum, but 6 hours away, so his dd didn't get to see much of her grandma either; she was 9 when she died - the same age I was when my maternal grandad died, even though he was the youngest of my grandparents. Things don't always work out like you want.

The kids get on well with their British family from a distance / when they do visit, thanks to the efforts I made when they were small to get them into that culture and language. They aren't totally alienated or anything.

I had my first baby at 32, I didn’t regret it at first as we do live close by, but I lost my dad suddenly last year and I still feel bereft for my 2 children who will have no living memory of him. Especially the older one who has just turned 3 as they had a fab relationship being scamps and causing chaos together. My mum although only 63 isn’t very active so I feel she misses out a lot but it’s in her hands really she’s still young enough to change. My partners parents are both 80 odd and had my partner later in life so I can’t change that either. I think the only thing that add perspective for me is that I grew up quite away from both sets of grandparents, although I didn’t see them a lot I do have fond memories just not that close grandparent relationship you see sometimes.

I think in this day and age it is not that unusual. I am a gp in my early 50s as were my dm and my dgm but most of my friends aren't. It is a joy

You are going through so much and shouldn't have to feel guilty

I mean being a gp later in life

61 isn't old! I'm 30 and I don't want children but my brother and his fiancee do. However, they are only 24, they're getting married next November and plan to buy a house the following year. Add in to the mix some ongoing health issues, they probably won't be thinking about a baby until 2023, when my parents will be 59 and 63. They'll both still be working full time, far from living an "elderly pensioner" lifestyle!

While I understand that you have pondered this for a long while, the main thing I find hard to relate to in this way of thinking as at its heart there is 'normal' and you are comparing your situation and it is coming up short.

Families are not like this. Every family is a mix - and your family is a just as it is and will be just how it will be.

My mum was a fairly young grandma and was still working when I had my eldest son (he’s now 19) but she also moved to Australia the week after he was born until he was 5 and my second son was a year old. And then moved down south so 8 hour car journey from us. My boys have a wonderful relationship with her v close. I have 2 younger kids too & same with them, Technology really helps with distance and you have to invent ways of staying close and having a good relationship it can be hard work and especially now we’ve not seen my folks since last Christmas so kids miss them. My mum doesn’t keep great either but still manages to play with kids etc she just does what she can manage and gets more tired than she used to.

I’m sure your mother will be an amazing grandparent, I hope things happen for you soon, it must be very difficult if your mum is so far away too.

My dm and df became first time grandparents at 60 and 61 definitely not too old at all

Our parents were all early/mid 70s when their (only) grandchild was born. I was late 30s. That's completely normal to me - most of my friends and parents were around the same age.

Now I have a toddler I do see the benefit of having younger grandparents, and I wish we'd had him earlier so they would be around longer and more physically able to play with him... but we simply weren't in a position to have a child until we did, as we wanted to be financially stable and own a house. With hindsight I wish we'd saved up harder and earlier, but I certainly wouldn't want to have had a child while I was in a lower paid job and insecure rented flat.

My Mum was that age when my first was born, and was also living in a different country to us. To be honest, I upped sticks and moved my back to my home country (including convincing my DH who had only ever lived in the country where he was born & where we met) after that so that my kids could have a really strong relationship with her & my father, who are brilliant grandparents. Best decision we ever made

I had my first child at 34 and second child at 35. My mother had me at 32, so she was 66 and 67 respectively when they were born (and my dad 2 years older than her). They are amazing g parents to my girls, provide childcare every Wednesday and plenty of ad hoc baby sitting in between. I think my girls love them more than they do me and my husband!! I could not have imagined any better a relationship, had they been 10 years younger. The only downside is that they will have less years together, but that is life. There will always be something you miss out on because life is not eternal.

My DPs were 35 and 38 when they had me so they were never going to be young grandparents unless I had kids very young myself. I had DDs at 29 and 33 so they were in their 60s/70s. DDs for a long time had all four grandparents close to them (DH's parents are a little bit younger) which is more than I did when I was a kid.

You'd be surprised what kids can remember, OP. I have lots of clear memories of my Nan and Granddad's flat before they moved to their bungalow when I was about 6. Don't fret too much about this and I wish you well

I became a grandma when I was 64 via adoption, he will be my only grandson (he's now 7) and haven't seen him face to face since February, don't think my age makes a difference but I didn't have my own children until my 30s by which time my many siblings had produced dozens of grandchildren for my parents

Yes YABU.

These poor 61 year olds, at deaths door, unable to pick up a child or even remember their names, the poor demented, zimmer-using souls.

You are worrying unnecessarily OP.

My mum became a grandma at 62. She played an active part in all my children's lives as they were growing up. The youngest who is autistic, was 18 when she died and wrote a prayer around his childhood memories of being with her, which he read out at her funeral.

@freddosfrogs

Yes unfortunately.

I am far too young to be a grandmother and I'm going to be one of those distant hands-off ones if and when it happens. Emergency help only.

I became a Nanny at 55. I thought it would never happen. My dd lives 170 miles away but I travel to see her every 3 months however from Xmas I did not see my GC until August as DH was shielding. I don't think I will get to see them at Xmas this year. We Skype but and I send dgc little gifts like stickers etc. Not the same as a cuddle though. I would lovey dd to live closer but they made their life and home away and they.have to choose what they want.

DD has told me she has no intention of having children. I am not bothered either way TBH. I just want her to have a happy and fulfilled life.

She has never shown any interest whatsoever in babies and hates small children and babies anyway.

Hi. My mum was 65 when she became a granny, and she loves it. My FIL is 72, and has an absolute ball with our son (pre Covid)

I'd be horrified to become a grandma any earlier than my 60s!

That's really sad to hear. Both my parents and my in laws love being grandparents in their mid-50's.

They have plenty of energy and have DS over for sleepovers because they can still do so much with him.

@ariettesmall

I'd be horrified to become a grandma any earlier than my 60s!

That's really sad to hear. Both my parents and my in laws love being grandparents in their mid-50's.

They have plenty of energy and have DS over for sleepovers because they can still do so much with him.

Well good for them. But I had my kids in my 30s, and would rather my DC enjoy their 20s child free, travelling, working on their career, dating, just having fun. Which would mean no grandchildren for me before my 60s. By which time I'll be closer to retirement and more able to help out if needed.

DD still has a career with dgd plus great grandparents love her being around

@GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal

That's fine.

But equally life doesn't stop when you have a baby. You can still travel and work on your career.

I find my child loads of fun!

I would much rather have a child earlier and then when I'm in my 40's they'll have grown up, I'll be mortgage free and more spare money.