To feel sad my mother is going to be a grandmother so late?

[NoMoreMrNiceGaius]

Hello all, we have been actively trying for a baby for around 2 years but had to wait for 3-4 years before then for health reasons. Currently on 3rd IUI with hormones and feeling very down and fed up lately.

I have mostly come to terms with my own disappointment but lately I've been worrying about my mother. I'm 33 and she is almost 61. She lives in another country and because of Covid I haven't seen her in a year. Normally I see her at least twice a year.

She is my best friend and growing up I always imagined her constantly being there when I had a child/children. She was a teacher and loves kids and is really great with them. I always knew if I had children they were going to adore their grandma.

Now the reality is looking more like they are hardly going to get to know her, and by the time they are old enough to remember their memories, she is going to be close to 70, and she will definitely not be one of the energetic/fit 70 year olds.

I don't have siblings and she has no other grandchildren or other children in the family. She actually has very little family left at all where she lives.

AIBU to feel like I have stolen her best years of being a grandmother from her? To feel so sad and guilty that she will miss so many big moments, when their other grandparents will see them all the time? (And they already have 5 grandchildren) I deeply regret moving to another country and not thinking about how it would be for her when she gets older.

I'd love to hear any experiences, positive or negative, of people who had grandchildren after 65, or who live in another country and dont get to see them often.

What do you find easy or especially hard? Do you ever resent your children for you not being able to be more involved or not being a grandparent when you were younger? Would you ever tell your daughter/son if you did?

I'm sensing you miss your mum and this is less about her age.

Not sure where you're from that you think 60 is old to be a grandma. I know certain cultures (including my own) have children young and thus grandmas are often in their early late 40s- 50s when they first grandchildren come along.

My mum became a grandma at 58 - would have been sooner if I hadn't battled infertility for 5 years.

I had my child at 36. My dad was 78. Until a year ago when he got ill he was her child care. This man made bottles changed diapers volunteered at her school. He died a few months ago right before she turned 10 but I can tell you all her best memories included him. I promise you a grandchild will keep your mom young

My mother is never going to be a grandmother. I couldn't care less.

Agree with PPs, your OP is quite offensive to people in their 60s who don't consider themselves particularly old to be GPs - because they're not!

The reality though is that you choosing to live in another country more than likely will impact on your DMs relationship with any child/ren you have, as they'll only ever know her as the person they speak to on the phone, apart from the 1 or 2 times a year they go to visit her.

One of my GPs lived 250 miles away when I was growing up and we rarely visited; I can't say I was ever close to her/had any real sense of having a relationship with her. Ultimately that's the choice you made though, presumably for other good reasons if you're happy and settled where you are, so you need to make your peace with it.

Your mum will miss out because you live in a different country. Age doesn't come into it. She may well live a very long life, but will still not see her grandchild much because of the distance. Are you sure you're not just feeling guilty about that than anything else?

I never had grandparents because, like many women in the 40's, before the pill, my gran had my mum in her mid 40's. She was in her 70's when we came along & not interested in us. Mum was late 50's when I had my kids, but as uninterested as her mum. She died days after her 65th birthday, having never built a relationship with them. Entirely personal choice though. Similar story on dads side. At one point they had all 4 grandparents, but none interested. They now, in late teens, have 2 plus a step gran, all uninterested.

If your mum is interested in being a grandparent then she will do her best, but it will be physically impossible for her to be the hands on gran that it seems that you'd like.The only way to have that would be to move back to near her. Thats your choice.

@neongenesis oh God, there's more than one of them out there. Sorry you have to put up with it too...

I remember her yelling at me to come and change the baby when I was upstairs sorting her washing .

It’s just the way life has planned out. My grandmothers lived in another country. One was a lot older than the other. Didn’t see them often mostly every few years. My dads mother was about 85 when she died. But my mums mothers was 70 when she died 3 years after my other gran died. Doesn’t matter how old you are when grand children are born. There’s no guarantee you will live a long life. Both my parents fathers died when they were children as well. Your mother is definitely not old. It’s much easier to be in contact now with face time etc. My aunt had my cousin young and probably wouldn’t been having children now. I’m sure after the lockdown you can travel to be with your mother.

60s is a totally normal decade to have a first grandchild, it's definitely not considered late in this country! I don't have kids but my parents became grandparents (sibling's kids) at 60 and 62 and my own grandmother was 63 when I was born.

Haha I was fully expecting you to say your mum was in her 80s or something! To put another spin on it, when my ex told his then 60 year old ma that she was to be a grandmother she exclaimed “oh! But I’m far too young to be a granny!” 🤷‍♀️

61 sounds like a young grandparent to me. My parents became grandparents in their late 50s when my eldest sibling had their first child. But they were almost 80 when my younger child was born (I was 35). When my dad was dying I heard him whisper to my son (who was snoozing on his lap) 'I wish I could see you grow up' which was heart wrenching. I do feel sad for my children that they knew their grandparents only as elderly and housebound, not as lively younger grandparents.

61 seems like normal grandparent age to me. I hope your mother gets to enjoy many years of happy grandparent-ing.

A stupid young shop assistant asked me last year if I had grandchildren. As I told her 'I'm not that fucking old!' I was 51. I started going grey at 16, and stopped dying my hair when I was 50. Still no excuse for her stupid comment, especially as she'd just taken my date of birth...

My maternal grandmother was 65 when I was born. I was 23 when she died. I thought that was about the standard age gap.

If my daughter is as old as I was when having her, I’ll be 80! 60 is young!

My Granny was 68 when I was born and she died a few years ago. She was my best friend and I spent all of my school holidays with her.

Your mum is not old to become a grandmother, not by any stretch. She is at the young end, the age is a red herring. If her health is poor for her age, that is a separate issue, and could be the case at any age.

It sounds like the sadness you are feeling is more about stress of ttc and especially about your DM living in another country, not being in the best of health. The covid difficulties are only making all that worse. I hope you can find some solutions to alleviate these things in time, but whatever happens I don't think your mum would want you to be agonising over it.

My mother has far more energy than me. She was not young as I struggled with fertility and dd was an ivf baby - 3rd attempt. She used to take dd out whenever we saw eachother and was very active with her. Dd is older now so different and we haven’t seen her due to the pandemic.

60s is nothing. Anyway growing up, I had a better relationship with my great gran than my gran.

You could move back to your original country? Wouldn't stop her being older, but grandkids are a bonus and I don't think people expect them. I imagine seeing you more regularly would be more than enough.

I made my mother a grandmother at 70!!

Mil became a grandma at 79.
She was absolutely over the moon. She played with the children and babysat for the odd half hour - but she had a bad back so I was never far. She was just so excited and the DC remained the light of her life until she died earlier this year at 90.

@Ginfordinner

She's only 60. Goodness, I thought you said she was old

I'm 62, and DD is 20.

I thought the same, my son will be 18 when I'm 60!

My mil is 68, my husband is 48, we have a nearly two year old who is her first and only grandchild. MiL lives in another country but the times she held our son before covid she was overjoyed. The excitement of the pregnancy, the pictures, updates and facetimes are all very lovely for her. Honestly she would have been fine without but her grandson has bought her lots of joy. I think she is a young grandma with many more memories to make. I think you worry too much. 🤷🏻‍♀️

If it makes you feel better, I have quite a lot of cousins of varying ages and my gran loves us all but she definitely seems to have loved spending time with the youngest grandchildren, born in her early 70s, the most, she is very close with them now they are teenagers and she is in her mid 80s.

I’m also suffering infertility and for various reasons my husband and I are likely the only chance for my parents and in laws to have a grandchild and I feel as you do sometimes but I take comfort from the fact that if I have a child in the next year or two they’ll all be retired or close to it and will have more time to spend with the little one. I think my fears are tied up with a general worry about losing my parents which I’m sure most people have.

I agree with others, 62 is not old.
Good luck op.

My parents were 64 when I had my first child, now they're 76.

DCs have a lovely relationship with them and know them really well. My DGFs died before I was born and I barely remember DGMs as one we barely saw and was odd and the other had a series of strokes and was in a home so I couldn't really know her as a person.

I'm really glad my parents have had this time with my children, but I am finding that I am taking lots of photos of them together for when they're gone. It's morbid but I want the DCs to remember.

My auntie didn't become a grandmother for the first time till 73. She'd come to the conclusion her boys were never going to settle down and have a family, then the oldest did.

I have no doubt that your mum would say "Of all the things that are hard about the situation, worry about me the least".