To feel sad my mother is going to be a grandmother so late?

[NoMoreMrNiceGaius]

Hello all, we have been actively trying for a baby for around 2 years but had to wait for 3-4 years before then for health reasons. Currently on 3rd IUI with hormones and feeling very down and fed up lately.

I have mostly come to terms with my own disappointment but lately I've been worrying about my mother. I'm 33 and she is almost 61. She lives in another country and because of Covid I haven't seen her in a year. Normally I see her at least twice a year.

She is my best friend and growing up I always imagined her constantly being there when I had a child/children. She was a teacher and loves kids and is really great with them. I always knew if I had children they were going to adore their grandma.

Now the reality is looking more like they are hardly going to get to know her, and by the time they are old enough to remember their memories, she is going to be close to 70, and she will definitely not be one of the energetic/fit 70 year olds.

I don't have siblings and she has no other grandchildren or other children in the family. She actually has very little family left at all where she lives.

AIBU to feel like I have stolen her best years of being a grandmother from her? To feel so sad and guilty that she will miss so many big moments, when their other grandparents will see them all the time? (And they already have 5 grandchildren) I deeply regret moving to another country and not thinking about how it would be for her when she gets older.

I'd love to hear any experiences, positive or negative, of people who had grandchildren after 65, or who live in another country and dont get to see them often.

What do you find easy or especially hard? Do you ever resent your children for you not being able to be more involved or not being a grandparent when you were younger? Would you ever tell your daughter/son if you did?

My grandmothers were both 70 when I was born. I’m lucky that they both lived long lives, and I have great memories of the one who died when I was 24. I’m 33 now and my other grandmother is still alive and a huge part of my life!

I have four children. DD is the youngest 29 and says she doesn’t think she wants children her brothers are all single. I am 63 my best friend is younger and has five and two step grandchildren. I am a tiny bit jealous. I do get to play with them and occasionally look after them.

Be sad or buy a time machine.

What is anyone here suppose to say,

She’s so young! My parents are early 80s and I have a newborn and a 3 YO. It’s totally fine!!

I am 61 and our children are 34 and 29. They are not planning to even consider kids yet, although DD has a very nice cat.

It is entirely their own choice and I would not expect them to make decisions based on my own, which was to start a family mid 20s. It curtailed my career whereas our DD is putting her career first. Different generations make choices which suit their own situations.

Your concerns are the reason I moved back to the U.K. before having children. There isn’t a way to have it all if you live abroad, unless you convince your mum to come live near you.

Your Mum is going to be a Grandmother, all I can say is she is very fortunate.
I have 4 Ds's all in their 30's, 3 of which are in LTR's/married, I am nearly 70 and have no prospect of any grandchildren any time soon.
I would dearly love to be a grandma, but never voice this to my DC's, I am the only one in my friendship group who has no grandchildren.
OP you Mother is not too old I'm sure she will be pleased to be a grandma.

I think I was born when my grandfather was 70. He still carried me up the stairs to bed when I was 6-8 years old. He died when I was 18, he was the eldest of my grandparents that I knew, one died when I was 4. I knew them all well, and now over 20 years after they have died, tell my own son about them and think about them almost every day.

61 isnt old.

You are being ridiculous and rather offensive. I had my DS when I was 38 and my mother became his childminder when I returned to work 4 days a week. My mum was 60 and because she didn't drive she walked him to school and back each day - so 4 x for her and it was a mile each time. She looked after my DS until she reluctantly gave up when he was about 13 and it wasn't cool to have his nanna looking after him anymore.

I'm 59 myself now and, guess what, I still managed to work full time even though you obviously feel I am ready to be put out to pasture!

I had DS at 32, but DM had me at 43! I'm also an only child that lives abroad, and tbh, it never occurred to me to feel guilty about it. Must have a heart of stone

Side note - when she did visit after DS was born she was horrible to me and kept pestering me to lose the baby weight...3 weeks after my c-section when I wasn't even a stone heavier than pre baby. She also refused to help with DS and made me do her washing

I thought you were going to say that she's 80 something lol!

61 is a very normal age to become a grandmother. My mum was 60 when she became a grandmother and I thought absolutely nothing of it.

I can sympathise about the distance though - my parents are on another continent. They have only met their eldest grandchild once. Never met the youngest because of covid travel restrictions. It's tough. But you can't have everything. If you and your mother both really wanted to live in the same country then you would. Family ties are important, but they are aren't the only important thing in life. Otherwise, no families would ever live apart from each other. For us, our whole lifestyle is better over here than it was in my mum's country. She won't move over here because she has her friends there and she doesn't like our weather. So we all stay where we are and visit each other when we can. You can't have your cake and eat it too.

I had my DD when I was 32 and my Mum was 70! Then when I had my DS she was 72 and my Dad 74! My children are their only grandchildren. They looked after both my children 2/3 days a week, even picking them up from school for a while right up until first lockdown. They have a very close bond and a wonderful relationship. I do wish that they could have had more time together when they were younger and my Dad who is living with cancer finds their energy too tiring now. The first year of DDs life was magical though and brought us all closer together. They have cherished every second with my children and I feel very lucky that they got the chance to bring joy to each other.

I was in my 40s and my parents were in their 70s. There was a 20 year gap between my nephews and my kids so it came as a shock but
They Loved It.
I think it gave them a new lease of life and another 10 years. They weren't in another country but they were down the far end of Cornwall so they might as well have been. We would stay with them for a week so they really got to know our DC. They sent parcels. They made real relationships and the DC have fond memories.

My grandad was 75 when I was born. He was a fantastic grandad and died last year at the age of almost 100.

She is a perfectly normal age to become a grandmother. I don’t actually know anyone IRL under 60 who is a grandparent.

@allfurcoatnoknickers

Omg, are you my long lost sister? My mum was exactly the same when I had my first. I was so excited for her to fly over, thinking she'd be nicer than usual because of the baby, but no... It was all comments about my new mummy tummy and how untidy my house was. Didn't lift a finger.

My mum and MIL were both in their 70s when our kids were born. Yes I would love to have had kids earlier but life didn't work out that way! Both grans are thrilled to be grandparents and have great relationships with our kids.

Sorry for the struggles you've had.. I had my first DD when my DM was 69, second when she was 74. She has some health issues, certainly not young for her age physically.
My DS adore their granny, and have a lovely relationship with her. Try not to worry. There's certainly no need for guilt.

My nanny was 59 when I was born. She lived till she was nearly 90.
I.have years of wonderful memories of her. I'm also very like her which pleases me

Your mum is not old. 61 is young

I'm 54 and my eldest child is nearly 23 and I am hoping that I won't be a grandmother for a few years yet - I don't feel anywhere near old enough!
I do have some sympathy for you though given that your Mum isn't in good health. My eldest is the only one of my children who remembers my parents when they were healthy and my youngest barely remembers them at all. That makes me a bit sad sometimes, especially since my parents in law are quite a bit younger so have had a lot more to do with my children than my own parents did. But things are how they are. I didn't set out to "deprive" my parents of time with their grandchildren and nor did you with yours. Don't dwell on things you can't alter. You can't change the past, but you can look forwards to the future. I hope everything goes well for you.

EnidMatilda Tue 03-Nov-20 22:59:08
Can't give experiences of being a grandmother in my 60s but I've just given birth to my first child at 32. I've got two siblings, my partner has three siblings and our child is the first grandchild on both sides. Both sets of grandparents are in their 60s. Tbh I don't think that's particularly late, certainly it's not in the circles I mix with. People are having children late and therefore first time grandparents are older but of course people are living longer.
......
Agree with that. I am seventy and can still bounce around!

Anyway, op, why feel guilty about something beyond your control? It just can't be helped.

I hope you get your wish soon.

ok .Honestly 61 is not late a age .Anyways I think you are more sad due the fact that you are a single child and you cant meet your mother .get rid of the guilt please .Life is not always what we think it should be :)

My mother was 67, 71 and 73 when she became a grandparent to my 3, she's had a good part in all their lives despite living a distance away. We've done this by going on holiday together each year - we pick somewhere we can both travel to easily, obviously not this year. It's doable OP you just have to plan ahead. They have a better relationship with her than the ones living locally.

My mum was 61 and 63 when she became grandma to my two boys, and my dad was 65 and 67. They are now in their seventies and have energy to burn—I’m super fit and they leave me in the dust.

You say your Mum has little family where she lives. Could she move to be nearer you maybe?

As for her age, I think you are probably at a bit of a low ebb and catastrophising a bit. She’s your best friend, have you talked to her about how you feel? She may not see it the same way that you do. Presumably she was worried about your health before and would almost certainly say that you being healthy should always be her priority

If you do manage to have a baby in the next few years she will be absolutely average age to be a Granny. My MIL is 69 and my son is 4 and she is very active and hands on with him, but in the other hand my own Mum died at 66 and never met my son, so I have two extremes. Life can be shit sometimes and she may not have the idealised grandmother experience you imagined, but it will still be lovely and better than being like me and having to imagine how your Mum’s face might have looked when she saw her grandchild.