To feel sad my mother is going to be a grandmother so late?

[NoMoreMrNiceGaius]

Hello all, we have been actively trying for a baby for around 2 years but had to wait for 3-4 years before then for health reasons. Currently on 3rd IUI with hormones and feeling very down and fed up lately.

I have mostly come to terms with my own disappointment but lately I've been worrying about my mother. I'm 33 and she is almost 61. She lives in another country and because of Covid I haven't seen her in a year. Normally I see her at least twice a year.

She is my best friend and growing up I always imagined her constantly being there when I had a child/children. She was a teacher and loves kids and is really great with them. I always knew if I had children they were going to adore their grandma.

Now the reality is looking more like they are hardly going to get to know her, and by the time they are old enough to remember their memories, she is going to be close to 70, and she will definitely not be one of the energetic/fit 70 year olds.

I don't have siblings and she has no other grandchildren or other children in the family. She actually has very little family left at all where she lives.

AIBU to feel like I have stolen her best years of being a grandmother from her? To feel so sad and guilty that she will miss so many big moments, when their other grandparents will see them all the time? (And they already have 5 grandchildren) I deeply regret moving to another country and not thinking about how it would be for her when she gets older.

I'd love to hear any experiences, positive or negative, of people who had grandchildren after 65, or who live in another country and dont get to see them often.

What do you find easy or especially hard? Do you ever resent your children for you not being able to be more involved or not being a grandparent when you were younger? Would you ever tell your daughter/son if you did?

My parents are 77 and 80 and have a very strong relationship with my nine year old.

My DD was 6 when her paternal grandmother died aged 82. She is now 21 and both maternal grandparents are mid 70s. She has never lived near them but values them enormously.

I thought that was pretty average age to become a grandparent.

My mum struggled with the idea of becoming a grandmother before she was 60- she was 58 and didn’t feel old enough to have a grandchild!
Now my parents are in their mid-70s (and still playing golf 4 times a week) DS helps out with heavier garden work and enjoys doing that. Love isn’t about age.

I wouldn't worry so much about it. All grandparents are different. Mine were in their 50s when the first grandchildren were born and barely did anything with them.
So there's all sorts of reasons that grandchildren may miss out on quality time with grandparents. And it doesn't affect them at all.

I will be 60 next year and am in no hurry to be a grandmother. My children are in their 30s so it may not be long now unfortunately

For complex reasons, I didn't even meet one of my grandmothers until I was 6. She died in her early 70s, when I was 11. She lived in a different country, so we were only able to visit back and forth in the school holidays.

I have wonderful memories of her, perhaps more vivid because her visits were more of an event, I talk about her frequently with my parents and my own children, and I use items and recipes of hers on a very regular basis. We also shared a hobby, and I often think about what she'd do or think about something. Apparently we are very alike.

Even though I only knew her for five years in childhood, she has had a big impact on my life. Your mum is early sixties - that's young for a grandparent these days. Physical health isn't all that - I was also very close to, and have lovely memories of my great grandmother, who was very frail indeed all my life. Your mum will hopefully have twenty or more good years in her, and even if, god forbid, she doesn't, she can have a massive positive influence on your children's lives in a quarter of that time.

Best of wishes for the fertility treatment - I have been there, and it's horrible and stressful and it does throw up the weirdest and most upsetting thoughts - but when you do find yourself holding your baby at last, you do tend to wonder what you were worrying about, and things fall into place in their own way.

This post is so rude! 61 and too old to be a grandparent?!
Yes YABU OP.

I'd like to offer a view on the opposite end of the spectrum. My Nan was 37 when I was born which is obviously extremely young. We had a great relationship and still do now but she was a SAHM. However my mum was in her 40s when I made her a nan and because she was so young she still had loads of working years ahead of her and is still working full time now. That means she hardly ever sees ds. Her evening and weekends are full of housework, food shopping etc while her week is taken up by working. Ds is now 10 and she's never once been on the school run or anything like that.
Being an older grandparent surely means they have more time to see their gc.

@WitchQueenofDarkness

I will be 60 next year and am in no hurry to be a grandmother. My children are in their 30s so it may not be long now unfortunately

Unfortunately ?

Do you ever resent your children for you not being able to be more involved or not being a grandparent when you were younger? Would you ever tell your daughter/son if you did?
If anyone ever feel this way, they need to gave a serious talk to themselves.

We don't have children to expect to give us anything. I really really hope to be a grandma one day but if it happens it will be a blessing. If it doesn't it is ok because that's how life will pan out.

I suspect your mother is much more frustrated for you then she is for herself and wishes you to become a mother much more than she wishes to become a grandmother.

My mum is 60 and became a grandmother for the first time last year with my DD. She’s one of the first of her friends and the first of her siblings who are older! She loves it and everyone says she’s a ‘glam’ gran as she’s not ‘old enough’ to be a grandma ! I was quite surprised when I read your post as that is totally normally if anything a bit young in my world!

Depends.

My parents were in their late Fifties when my sister had her three girls.

When DD arrived my dad had already passed away a year before and mum was 69. My PIL were 75 and 69.

Like you, we live in a different country to our parents.

All have health issues, my mum even when my nieces were born, heck it started when I was just 12. They still enjoy DD when they meet her, they may not played rough and tumble with her but they always spend time with her, are interested in her, talk about everything and make sure that she knows she is important to them. DD is 13 now and has a lively WhatsApp relationship with my PIL and always talks to my mum on the phone when she is nearby. All on her own initiative.

When DD had her performing arts show last year they did a song called "Hero" and everyone was asked to bring a photo of a person they feel is their hero. DD chose her granddad.

It depends on undividual circumstances obviously, but it can be a bonus.

MIL is 67, retired and able to help out, fit as a fiddle. My mum, on the other hand, is 56 and nowhere near as fit and healthy!

OP I had DS when I was 34, and my mother was 62. She enjoyed every moment of his early childhood when she was with me. Even now she enjoys him over video chats. In fact she liked having time to spend with him, post retirement and with no obligations ( same with my father). Don't worry about this.

I'm not a grandmother but my parents were 64 when my eldest was born, and living in a different country. Both children now grown up, both parents still alive, in contact with their grandchildren, lots of happy memories. What we did, over many years, was prioritising family contact over other holidays. Not exclusively (important to have own family time too) but often.

61 isn't late. I had my DS at 36 and DTD at 38. My mum was 61 and dad was 65. Unfortunately my dad died suddenly when DTD were 8 months old but my mum is now mid 70s and loves being a nan. She's still pretty healthy and they have a great relationship. Don't feel guilty

I just had my first baby at 40. He’s now 6 months and we’re planning a second child for next year. The reason it was so late was I didn’t meet the right person until I was 38 and we did it as early as we could because we wanted to marry first. Obviously very blessed to fall pregnant easily later in life. Both sets of Grandparents were 71 when he was born. Honestly it’s not made me feel bad at all having him late. They love our son and we feel very supported. They live within 20 miles but due to Covid we haven’t seen that much of him.

My advice is this is how your life has turned out so try not to feel bad. I’m sure your mother loves you and will love your child. Focus on the memories you can make when the time comes. There is nothing you can do about the past and the way things have turned out. Early 60s is a good age to become a grandparent and very normal. Unfortunately we all get older and it is sad that grandparents might not be at their fittest when the time comes. It’s however part of life. Doesn’t mean when you are able to see her it won’t be fun and special. You can tell your kids all about when you were a child and how nanny was with you. They’ll also be elements of your own parenting that come from her. Best of luck with your procedure. I really hope you get done good news soon! Xx

People are having children later and later, it’s just the norm now. I’d say 61 is fairly average, even quite early to become a grandparent these days. Obviously everyone’s health is different. Mother in law is still fit and active in her late 70s, though I would expect her to provide child care for a baby or toddler now. In her 60s however she was still more than capable and very willing to do so.

My mother in law was over 60 when my dds were born and she has been far more involved than my mum who was only late 40s early 50s.

I’d understand if she was late 70s, a friend of mine was the child of an older mother and an older mother herself. It was tough for her caring for a young family and an elderly parent, but that’s not the situation you’re in at all.

*wouldn't expect her to

Surely it’s better to be a grandparent once you’ve retired as then you have the time to spend with your grandchildren? My DPs are late 60s/just 70 and my ILs are early/mid 70s, my boys are 6 and almost 4, they have a fabulous relationship with both sets and all of the GPS are more than capable of playing/going on walks etc etc

I completely understand your concern about living in another country and missed experiences but the age aspect baffles me!

I’m not that far off 60 and my eldest is nowhere near having kids, just finishing uni and concentrating on getting a career foothold. My youngest is in senior years of high school. There are others in-between. Same with everyone I know around my age. If any of mine had kids and made me a grandmother at 61yo I would wonder the fuck they were thinking! I don’t even know anyone in mid-60’s who are grandparents, only starting to happen around 70yo for anyone I know or in my greater circle of acquaintances and they are all still working at that age. I find your worry about the age aspect extremely odd.

I too think 60’s is completely normal, my DM was 62 and has bucket loads of energy for them.

I had fertility issues and had similar worries. I was going to be an old Mum, my parents would be old parents, then my kids would be too far apart in age. In my head. For some reason my ideal was having my first at 32 and another two spaced two years apart. Needless say that didn’t happen!

Lots of us unfortunately can’t choose when our babies come along, so do try give yourself a break as going through fertility treatment is hard enough x

Many people never get to be grandparents. Or parents. Some choose this, for others it's circumstantial.
It's not something you owe your mum.
I hope your fertility treatment is successful, I know the hormones make people feel terrible.
You say you deeply regret moving to another country- can you move back?
My mum's grandchildren live in another country- she has met her 16 year old granddaughter once.

I was expecting you to say she was in her 80s! Sounds like you're sad about the state of her health/fitness rather than the timing, which you can hardly feel guilty for. My mum is close to 70 and walks miles with her dog, moves furniture around, gardens, and definitely doesn't think of herself as an old person. Surely its more unusual to become a grandparent before your sixties? Incidentally, my grandmother wasn't very old, and I have pretty much no good memories of her because she had dementia, wasn't a very nice person even before that, and preferred boys to girls. With dementia she became vicious.