To feel sad my mother is going to be a grandmother so late?

[NoMoreMrNiceGaius]

Hello all, we have been actively trying for a baby for around 2 years but had to wait for 3-4 years before then for health reasons. Currently on 3rd IUI with hormones and feeling very down and fed up lately.

I have mostly come to terms with my own disappointment but lately I've been worrying about my mother. I'm 33 and she is almost 61. She lives in another country and because of Covid I haven't seen her in a year. Normally I see her at least twice a year.

She is my best friend and growing up I always imagined her constantly being there when I had a child/children. She was a teacher and loves kids and is really great with them. I always knew if I had children they were going to adore their grandma.

Now the reality is looking more like they are hardly going to get to know her, and by the time they are old enough to remember their memories, she is going to be close to 70, and she will definitely not be one of the energetic/fit 70 year olds.

I don't have siblings and she has no other grandchildren or other children in the family. She actually has very little family left at all where she lives.

AIBU to feel like I have stolen her best years of being a grandmother from her? To feel so sad and guilty that she will miss so many big moments, when their other grandparents will see them all the time? (And they already have 5 grandchildren) I deeply regret moving to another country and not thinking about how it would be for her when she gets older.

I'd love to hear any experiences, positive or negative, of people who had grandchildren after 65, or who live in another country and dont get to see them often.

What do you find easy or especially hard? Do you ever resent your children for you not being able to be more involved or not being a grandparent when you were younger? Would you ever tell your daughter/son if you did?

I am a grandmother to three now, but I genuinely wouldn't have been in the least bit bothered if I had never become a grandparent at all. It's just not my call. If my children want children and can have them, that's great, but if their choice was not to have offspring, I would have been equally happy with that.
Not all parents are desperate to see another generation...the happiness of my children and supporting their choices is always paramount to me.
( I do love my grandchildren! )

My parents were 64 and 68 when I had my first and 66/70 when I had my twins. My mother probs would have been upset if I had them much earlier (I was 30). She gets along with the kids fine, though granted these days she can’t babysit all of them at once - but babysitting is not what I am/ you seem worried about.

Also when you say another country do you mean opposite side of the world or 2 countries within Europe? Because that’s more likely similar to the distance between us (in Aus) and while she would like to see them more they know her better than I ever knew my grandparents, who were on the other side of the world. Also things are different now. They just FaceTimed over dinner and my 4 yo daughter showed grandma her seal swimming impression...

Another one who expected you to say she was in her 80s! My mum didn’t become a grandmother until she was 59, mil was 63. They now have five grandchildren each and have a great relationship with their grandchildren. There are lots of activities that they can do together which don’t involve running about - reading, puzzles, baking, arts and crafts.

I was living abroad when I had my daughter and it made my parents very sad that they were missing out, especially my mum. So I understand where you are coming from Regards to her missing out.
I moved back so they could have a close relationship with her. It was the best decision if that helps.

Ridiculous. My mother was 75 when my DD was born and she's still going strong, fit as a fiddle twelve years later.

Where does it say in the OP that her mother has poor health?

She says that her mum won't be one of the energetic/fit 70 year olds, but that doesn't necessarily mean she is in poor health.

DD was born more than 20 years after MIL's other grandchildren and probably spent more time with her granny than her cousins did. MIL was 71 when DD was born, and while she lived two and a half hours away she used to come and stay with us on a regular basis. DD and her granny were very close. I also think that becoming a grandmother again at 71 gave MIL a new lease of life.

I'm 30, my parents are 69 and 86. They would be older grandparents and would still love and value a grandchild and I would support that relationship. My own grandparents were older too and I still have good memories of them, including some hands on childcare when I was smaller.

My parents were older parents, they have been living with this possibility longer than I have lived with the realisation and have always been positive about me having children. I'm sure your mum will be, too.

My mum is 67 and I have a two year old. She looks after her two days a week and they have a lovely relationship. I take lots of photos and videos with my mum in, not just of my daughter, because I think that's what you want when they've gone. I hope to have her with us for a good while yet!

61 is young! A friend of mine just made her mother a first time grandmother at 82. That’s just the way things happened.

My late DMs lovely Mum died in her 50's, I still remember, her she was lovelly, unfortunately, very overweight,diabetic, etc. and I was 8 when she died. I had my first baby in my teens, last at 41, then became a GM at 42, My middle class friends didn't start having babies till they were around 40. Cannot remember who said it "age is just a number"I am fitter than my 50 year old daughter, and she says I make HER feel old!!

My grandmother was 59 when I was born. She's 97 now and one of the most important people in my life... and she got to know her great-granddaughter too!

Don’t forget OP that the current retirement age for women is 66. I’m in my mid sixties and retired just as my first grandchild was born. Great timing. I am local and available to help out.

What?! She’s on 61! YABU. 🙄

60 is young, I had my dc at 34 and 37, I'll be surprised if I became a grandmother at 60, good luck OP 🤞

To be honest I'd be a bit upset to be a grandma before I was 60. When I'm 60 my kids will be 31, 27 and 23 I would hope they wouldn't have children before then

Good grief, I thought you said she was old?
My son will be 16 when I’m 60.
I think you’re catastrophising unnecessarily so if you were my daughter, I’d be urging you to see a good therapist and to try and change your negative mindset.

My DH is 60 and father to our 13 year old!! I think 61 is fairly young to be a grandparent.

60 is young . Living in another country is a much bigger problem. Chances are your children will only see her once or twice a year and will not have much of a relationship. They will think of her fondly as they get older, if she keeps in touch with letters, phone calls etc, but there will be a distance and awkwardness there. From her point of view, the time she spends with them will be limited and she will not have chance to build a relationship. That's the sad reality - I speak from experience. The only way to remedy this is to arrange long periods of face to face contact on a regular basis.
Could your mum come and stay with you for an extended period such as a few months each year, or vice versa? Maybe when the children are older they can spend holidays with her.

My mother was 60 when DD1 was born, I was 32. Both my DDs have fond memories of her and yes, she lived in another country and didn't see them often. Nobody was robbed of anything, they had many good times and both my DDs remember them well.

It's normal for women to have children later these days, so it's normal for grandmotherhood to come later in life. Not worth agonising over.

I would absolutely agree with the PP that said it isn’t your mother’s age that will make the difference, it’s the fact that she lives in another country. Really hard to establish a strong and tight bond from afar.

It is what it is, though, and I wouldn’t spend time worrying about things you can’t control.

She is not old, and neither are you. My children’s grandparents are in their 70s (early and mid) and (pre-Covid), did a lot for them, had them to stay, have a great relationship, and so on. But we all live within about 45 mins of each other.

Good luck with conceiving, OP. I’m sorry it’s been so hard. I can relate

WTF?? I find this pretty offensive! I had my kids much later in life.... should I now be feeling bad that their grandparents are all well into their 70s? Ridiculous. Seriously, find something else to worry about. This is a non-issue.

I think your DM will be in a pretty average age bracket for being a grandparent so I wouldn't worry too much on that account, especially as it's something that is completely out of your control.

In terms of being in another country, that doesn't necessarily mean she can't have a close relationship with her GC. My DB lives in a different country and has 3 young children. My DM has Skyped them a couple of times a week their whole lives. She reads them stories, talks to them about their toys, sometimes she's just on screen in the room while they're pottering around playing. She has a lovely relationship with them considering she only sees them physically a couple of times a year (pre-COVID obviously). In fact, she has a better relationship with them than my PIL had with my DC when they were younger even though they live in the same country.

I'm 64 and don't anticipate being a grandmother yet awhile, if ever. I had my only child when I was 39 and so my mother became a grandmother in her 70th year. Nothing to see here!

My mum became a granny for the first time at 58 years old. My sister was very young when she had her first.

Then there's a gap until my other sister had the 2nd grandchild - mum was 71 at her birth.

The next three came along at 72, 75 and 78 (that was our DS - I had him, our only child, at the age of 44 years old).

Mum sadly died this year at 90 years old. She had dementia for the final 6 years but she still enjoyed the company of her grandchildren. She didn't always remember their names but she knew that one of her grandchildren preferred to shake hands to having a kiss. Always had, ever since they were little so it was part of their ritual, she was still doing it in the final week before her death.

Grans and grandads can enjoy their grandchildren at every stage. They may not always be able to do the running around but my best memories of my gran was snuggling up to hear her tell me a story of her childhood or helping her make fairy cakes.

Grandparents are supposed to be safe places, confidantes, supporters. Doesn't matter if they can't do a 100 metre dash or cycle around the country with you.

My last grandparent died when I was 25. Prior to that I was 13 by the time my 3rd grandparent had died. My sons were 15 when they lost their last grandparent. It’s very sad but not much any of us can do except try to stay fit and healthy. Enjoy the times you do have with your parents is all I can advise.