To feel sad my mother is going to be a grandmother so late?

[NoMoreMrNiceGaius]

Hello all, we have been actively trying for a baby for around 2 years but had to wait for 3-4 years before then for health reasons. Currently on 3rd IUI with hormones and feeling very down and fed up lately.

I have mostly come to terms with my own disappointment but lately I've been worrying about my mother. I'm 33 and she is almost 61. She lives in another country and because of Covid I haven't seen her in a year. Normally I see her at least twice a year.

She is my best friend and growing up I always imagined her constantly being there when I had a child/children. She was a teacher and loves kids and is really great with them. I always knew if I had children they were going to adore their grandma.

Now the reality is looking more like they are hardly going to get to know her, and by the time they are old enough to remember their memories, she is going to be close to 70, and she will definitely not be one of the energetic/fit 70 year olds.

I don't have siblings and she has no other grandchildren or other children in the family. She actually has very little family left at all where she lives.

AIBU to feel like I have stolen her best years of being a grandmother from her? To feel so sad and guilty that she will miss so many big moments, when their other grandparents will see them all the time? (And they already have 5 grandchildren) I deeply regret moving to another country and not thinking about how it would be for her when she gets older.

I'd love to hear any experiences, positive or negative, of people who had grandchildren after 65, or who live in another country and dont get to see them often.

What do you find easy or especially hard? Do you ever resent your children for you not being able to be more involved or not being a grandparent when you were younger? Would you ever tell your daughter/son if you did?

My dad is 84 and I'm 36..my parents had us late in life.. He adores being a grandad to my 2 year old.. No feelings of being robbed over here. You sound so lovely but I think you're really putting too much pressure on yourself. Your mum will probably just be ecstatic to have a grandchild when that time comes x

I'd be horrified to become a grandma any earlier than my 60s!

Totally agree!

My mother is in her mid 80's and her youngest grandchildren are in sixth form/university. They ring her regularly and see each other when they can. One is considering where to attend Uni and another where to go after finishing their degree. It is Grandma they talk through things with! She doesn't have the physical energy she used to have but with age she is much more able to help her grandchildren focus on what will make them happy and not meet the aspirations of others. Technology is brilliant for maintaining relationships, however you do sound like you would prefer to live nearer your mum and that she would be an amazing grandparent so I would follow your heart

Goodness my mum thinks she’s a young grandparent in her late 50s! MIL is late 60s and she’s wonderful with DS. They have a great relationship and she is very hands on.

My parents became grandparents to their only grandchild at 70-it’s not old! My Dad still works through choice and just did a new postgrad.
I can’t see the issue with age-just distance.

61 is young. Working age.

Hi OP ,

My family is spread over 4 countries ( my parents, 2 sister and me ) and I do get upset that my 2 DD (3 and 6 months) don't get to have the same relationship with their grandparents and cousins that I did growing up. However my older DD is of an age , and has been since she was about 1 , where she loves to FaceTime. We speak to my parents everyday and even my 6 month old smiles when she hears their voices! Of course this year isn't a normal year but usually we would see them 3 times a year for 3-4 weeks at a time and it's brilliant to get all that quality time together. One of those times is usually a full family affair so I can see my sisters and the cousins can all get together.
It is hard and I do feel guilty but really my parents always wanted us to travel ( and they did the same!) and with FaceTime and WhatsApp we can speak all the time and be able to see each other that way.
Age wise my parents are in their 60s and although fit and healthy now I do always have that what if in the back of my mind. I think that's more to do with the distance between us and what will that look like.
I hope that helps .

OP please be kind to yourself and stop feeling guilty about your mum. It’s not your fault it’s taking you a while to have children, and even if it was your decision to have them later than you could have done, that is a decision for you and your partner as when to become parents, you don’t have them for your mum.

Many people become grandparents at a much later age, and some never become them at all. You don’t owe it to your mum to make her a grandmother.

Fertility treatment is tough, and it’s natural that you’re feeling down, and your hormones are probably all over the place. I know it’s easy to say, but try not to put this additional pressure on yourself. It might be a good idea to talk to someone IRL about these feelings.

My mum became a grandmother at 50. When she was in a hectic full time job which also involved weekend work. She might have preferred to have become a grandmother later when she had more time. The eldest GC Is 14 and the youngest 6, and she’s still working full time and their contact is still limited. They have a very lovely relationship because she makes their time together count. As I’m sure your Mum will.

@TheNewLook

I honestly thought you were going to say she was in her 80s.

61 is nothing.

^ This

Christ! Your mum's only 61 - I'll have a daughter at uni when I'm that age! Grandchildren are a bonus - raising your own children to adulthood is the important thing. I'm certainly not looking to my DC to provide me with grandchildren when I'm older.

My mum was in her 60s who had my two eldest. She's in her late 70s now but still has a terrific relationship with my girls especially my eldest.
I have just had a little boy and I feel sad that he may not remember her or have many memories but on the other hand she could live e for another 10 years.
I don't think 60 is old at all, I don't even think 70 is that old either. If your mum was in her late 70s or 80s I'd see your point but I don't think you need to worry.

@TheNewLook

I honestly thought you were going to say she was in her 80s.

61 is nothing.

This

That is a fully normal age to become a grandmother.

My dc's grandmothers are 70 and 73, both perfectly active and involved in their lives.

I completely understand where you are coming from, my mum was a wonderful grandmother but she passed away at 64, which was really difficult, my eldest only had 7 years of her, and my younger ones even less, I was 34 when she died. Having said that, that's how life is. You said you waited 4 years for health reasons, and you have spent 2 years trying. All of that is out of your hands. The main thing is that your relationship with your mum is good, and regardless of if or when you have kids, you know she is your best friend. Instead of regretting what cannot be changed, and what sounds like it was out of your hands anyway, why not plan instead ways to make the most of what you do have, while you are trying etc. And if you are worried about your mum as she gets older and you are in another country, is there a way you can move closer to her? Covid aside, any practical ways you can see more of each other?

I’m 51 and still have my grandmother!
My children adore their great grandma.

She’ll be a great grandma soon enough

My parents live in a different country to me. I have a nearly 2 year old and I am due my second any day now. Obviously this year I have only seen my parents twice, but usually its every 8 weeks. I am not going to lie, it's hard at times, especially when your DPs parents will have a lot more involvement. I hold some resentment that my MIL doesnt realise how lucky she is to be around her family. My mom spends her time when she does visit trying to make up for lost time so she isnt the 'other' grandmother. It does make us value family time more. We speak a lot on portal and my DD now runs when she hears the ring. Speaking often makes a massive difference because she does know them.

Honestly, I hate it. I wish she lived 20 mins down the road. But it is what it is, so you always make the best of it and just live from one visit to another. Technology makes it easier, as does just valuing each other when you are around, and not being afraid to go on a plane with the kid. It can work ok, outside of a pandemic obviously.

My lovely Mum was a grandmother at 63 and a wonderful one at that. It’s perfectly normal.

My mum was a late child (my gran was 46 when she was born - shocking in 1950😊)

So she was late seventies when I was born. She and I were incredibly close - she died when I was 18 and I miss her terribly.

The distance will make a difference to the relation your children have with your mum - not her age (and she is young/normal age for a granny!)

61 is not old to become a grandmother! You have a strange concept of old. My mum was 75. Our parents were all in their seventies. Younger would have been good for them but not for me!

61 is a totally normal age, isn’t it? My mum was 54 and she was horrified lol, none of her friends are grandparents yet!

This is a very odd thread and I think more tied into the time it is taking you to conceive.

If you are "blaming" yourself for being 33 you may as well "blame" her for not having you until she was 28.

Our parents became grandparents 2 years ago, all 4 between 62 and 64. My in-laws weren't even retired yet. It is very rare in my social circle for anyone to become a grandmother before 60 and for anyone to have babies before 30.

I grew up in a different country to my grandmother and we had an amazing relationship. I used to spend summers on my own with her.

My mum was 71 when she became a grandmother and my dad was 68. I do have some regrets because he was diagnosed with lung cancer 5 months later and died when I was pregnant with dc2. My mum manages fine with the kids though.

DH was 29 and his dad 69 when we had our DS and our DD arrived 11 years later when DH was 40 and he was 80. Your mum isn't even old amongst our circle but locally it seems to be one extreme or the other. Young mums often becoming young grandparents. I remember a teacher being shocked that her granpa played a part in WW2 and her great grandpa being in WW1. Also a friend of DD has a grandma younger than I am.

My grandmother was 60 when I was born and died when I was 30 aged 89. My own mother was 51 when her first grandchild was born and died when the grandchild was two, they don’t remember their grandmother and the subsequent grandchildren never met her.