I probably am...about sitting on my own some evenings

[FortunesFave]

I like my own company a lot. So on some evenings, I choose to sit out in our sunroom (we're in Oz and it's a bit like a lean-to with windows) and just browse the internet.

I do this about 2-3 times per week.

Every time I do it, DH or the kids seem to take it in turns to come in and bother me about every 20 minutes.

one leaves and then the next one arrives. Kids are 16 and 12 so well old enough to understand people sometimes need solitude.

I DO spend one to one time with all of them...DH and I often sit in the garden together, have meals together, chat...the DD's also get time with me...I walk my younger part way to school every morning (her choice...yes, she's older than usual for that but we get a takeaway hot chocolate and I like the walk) We also spent quality time watching movies or just having a snack or shopping together...that goes for my older child.

WHY can't they fucking leave me alone on these nights then? I put up with it and then when I tell DH "I'd like to be on my own" he gets pissed off...without fail. He doesn't have a go but gets huffy.

The same with the kids. AIBU to want to spend some nights alone? YABU if I am and YANBU if I'm not.

Why? Because you're a woman. Women aren't allowed to do anything that doesnt revolve around caring for others

Well I don't think DH or the kids are misogynists. I just think they're bloody selfish.

I've been fantasizing about a sort of locked cubicle...soundproofed. I may be on the spectrum but that's by the by...what matters is that I get overwhelmed by a lot of noise and by ANY noise sometimes. I then need to be silent and I just can't seem to get that for longer than 20 minutes at a time.

I don’t think this is anything to do with misogyny or selfishness.
It’s thoughtlessness, they aren’t considering your feelings, and maybe themselves don’t need alone time in the way you do so find it harder to understand and feel rejected.
Tell them. And tell them they are not being rejected. And tell them it’s not ok for them to be huffy about it. If they don’t change their behaviour, then it’s selfish

How have you explained what you need?
Sometimes people don't seem to take in what you are saying and you have to say it another way.

As someone who needs her alone time, may I suggest threats. 😁

Seriously though, it's really shit of them. Ask your husband why he feels like you don't have the right to have some quiet time. Ask your kids the same. Then get a lock for the sun room and use it.

And maybe a flashing fuck off sign on the door

I think you need to be explicit and not expect them to be mind readers.

That sounds like me. I am lucky that DH is a lark and I'm a night owl so I get a couple of hours on my own each day.

We had those Myers Briggs tests at work and I was squished up at the furthest end of the introverted scale. One of the things the workshop leader mentioned was that introverts need quiet away from people to recharge.

Ironically, after that two-day teambuilding workshop, I felt like I had the flu and got the shakes I was so drained from the interaction!

Aw man! I get this pestering too.
Politely say you want time to yourself.
Yanbu.

I am struggling with a similar thing at the moment. Every time I come out of the shower there is someone in my bedroom - sometimes multiple people. They all seem to want to watch me put my knickers on for some reason. I have told them that I’d rather not have an audience while getting dressed but they don’t listen. If I shut the door they just open it! Dc are 12, 11 and 9, so definitely old enough to understand - dh is just as bloody bad!

Inspired by pp .. how about discussing introvert and extrovert types with your dc, it can be fun for them to understand some people blab blab constantly and others prefer p&q.

Before you go in there stand up and say does anyone need me, you'll get a no and confused faces. Ok then I'm going for a bit of peace/solitude/mindfulness time in the conservatory. Your dad is available if you need anything.

Then when they come in look confused, you said you didn't need me, so this can wait half an hour then surely.

Carving out some time for you is not selfish.

Spell it out before you go in there.

As in, "does anyone need to ask/tell me anything before I take a couple of hours for myself? No? Please don't disturb me when I am in there".

If they come in, remind them.

Might take a few goes but if you are firm, they will get it eventually.

I need my own space too.
I'm not on any spectrum, I just really enjoy my own head time.

I call it "MH time"😁

you need a sign on the door - something like

'do not disturb, if it is life or death call 999'

If you haven’t already maybe you should add a caveat to your family before you start? ‘Ok I’m going to chill out by myself in the sun room for a bit. If you could leave me to it and I’ll talk to you later’.

@littlepeas

I am struggling with a similar thing at the moment. Every time I come out of the shower there is someone in my bedroom - sometimes multiple people. They all seem to want to watch me put my knickers on for some reason. I have told them that I’d rather not have an audience while getting dressed but they don’t listen. If I shut the door they just open it! Dc are 12, 11 and 9, so definitely old enough to understand - dh is just as bloody bad!

I would erupt! You really need to tell them to leave you in peace. Its very rude to do this. My room is out of bounds, knock if its very urgent but no bothering while Im getting dressed.

I do tell them...I am clear...they just keep fucking coming in. I'm seriously thinking quite drastically...like, booking into a hotel once a week. Just to be alone.

Dh thinks he's also got a right to sit here...and he does really, around sunset it is quite a nice place. But I BET if I went into the bedroom, he'd find a reason to go there too.

The kids I can sort of forgive a bit...they remember something they wanted to tell me about school or whatever...but DH just parks himself on a chair and sits there! He says he zones out...then when he goes to bed, he's all "Aren't you coming?" and I feel like saying "If I was you'd bloody see me in there!!"

I end up staying up later just to be alone.

Assuming that you're not disappearing off to be alone during times when people do tend to need things - eg supper/bath/bed/homework etc, I think this is completely unacceptable.

DS is 9 but is a night owl so has a fairly late bedtime of 9:30. he knows that once I've put DD to bed and tidied up from dinner, he cannot ask me for any of the things that a 9 year old routinely wants from a parent - ie attention. I won't be watching him play, I won't be reading with him etc. I point out that it's adult time and the fact that he is awake is not really my problem. He can read his book, watch his iPad, game (until 9:00) or work on his dance routine. None of which require any intervention from me!!

I stay up late to be alone too. I have a nap the day DP is off work and stay up half the night it's worth 3 hours night sleep.
My peace never last more than 6 minutes during the day. I use to sit in the bathroom for some browsing now DD has developed a weak bladder. I swear she listens for the lock.

Just saw your update and I don't think you get to insist he can't use the room. So in that case I probably would go to the bedroom!

Baths are good for this. Lock the door.

Space yes...but it's his bedroom too...I just know he'll come in there. I don't honestly mind that much when the sun's going down...I'll chat back to him but then when I tell him I want to be alone he will get pissed off.

I mean it's the last comfy room in the house so it;s not like I'm being selfish. After the sun goes down it's chilly and there's a lot of spiders!

Also...re supper/bath/bed/homework...kids are 12 and 16! They manage their own homework and bath. Obviously DH or I cook...and I always spend ten mins at bedtime for a chat...but that's the end of the night. And I go to them. There's no need for them to come in...hassling me and looking at me. I feel quite claustrophobic...I adore them all honestly but just because you have a family does not mean you don't get any privacy!

Buy a small airhorn and whenever they come in blow it. And don't stop blowing it until they've gone.

Don't take my advice though, you'll probably end up divorced.

Iggy nah....I can't browse my PC in the bloody bath and also, we only have one bathroom.

Ignore them. Don’t respond.

For those who say this isn't about misogynist socialisation - how do you account for all the women who recount the same experience on threads like these? And all the men you probably know who don't?

Yes, it's selfish/thoughtlessness/insensitivity - but when that selfishness is only really directed at one sex, well... it's the patriarchy, innit?

People don't have to be shits to have internalised misogynist ways of thinking/doing.