I probably am...about sitting on my own some evenings

[FortunesFave]

I like my own company a lot. So on some evenings, I choose to sit out in our sunroom (we're in Oz and it's a bit like a lean-to with windows) and just browse the internet.

I do this about 2-3 times per week.

Every time I do it, DH or the kids seem to take it in turns to come in and bother me about every 20 minutes.

one leaves and then the next one arrives. Kids are 16 and 12 so well old enough to understand people sometimes need solitude.

I DO spend one to one time with all of them...DH and I often sit in the garden together, have meals together, chat...the DD's also get time with me...I walk my younger part way to school every morning (her choice...yes, she's older than usual for that but we get a takeaway hot chocolate and I like the walk) We also spent quality time watching movies or just having a snack or shopping together...that goes for my older child.

WHY can't they fucking leave me alone on these nights then? I put up with it and then when I tell DH "I'd like to be on my own" he gets pissed off...without fail. He doesn't have a go but gets huffy.

The same with the kids. AIBU to want to spend some nights alone? YABU if I am and YANBU if I'm not.

YANBU

There’s a massive difference between a parent being home and wanting to be alone for a bit vs a parent wanting some alone time and being out of the house.

You should be able to be in your own home without being disturbed unless there is an absolute emergency. Your children can go to their father or wait til after you’ve had your alone time. I bet if you bothered them every 20 minutes, your husband and kids would likely be annoyed too.

Could you go for walks instead, or would they want to join you?

So OP should leave the house just to get a moment for herself?

I’ve had to do that just to get a quiet moment to myself especially with lockdown and my husband wfh and it gets boring and tiring really quickly because you have to leave your home, your supposed safe haven just to get some time alone something that is an essential for most people. There is only so many routes one can walk and definitely more difficult now when it’s getting darker and colder.

They should be able to leave OP alone. I doubt they would like her coming over and bothering them when they’re doing something they enjoy. The children are more than old enough to do so and husband should already know her need to be alone since he married her knowing this.

@AmaryllisNightAndDay

Didn't Doris Lessing write a short story about this? The main character rented a room once a week and sat in it. People kept interfering. In the end she decided she was never ever going to be left alone and killed herself. OK a bit extreme(!) but Doris Lessing had it pinned as women always being expected to be available to others.

Well, true, but the solution isn't to be like the stereotypical MN cycling husband either.

I have already made it plain to my husband that I don't intend to be more than 50% of a parent to my children unless he dies. (If we divorced, I'd expect him to be a better resident parent than me - he'd be awfully lonely all by himself, whereas I'd relish the space.)

But I'm not having children AND choosing to opt out of family time for 9h a week. One long evening where she's guaranteed some solitude would be better.

(And I think extroverts need educating on how to relate to introverts, so it can double as training! The default mode pre-2020 was extroversion - it's shifted a bit now, but it won't do her kids harm to understand that she needs some alone time.)

Get a lock on the door, and maybe a sign. Tell them you are an introvert and you’ll be out when you’ve recharged your batteries. Or are going for a rest. Or writing a novel.

Has anyone else seen the Netflix series 'you'. Where he imprisoned someone in a soundproof box with books to read?

Heaven. Though not the kidnapping part.

We've recently moved and have a sunroom and I've claimed this at mine some nights. I can forgive my 2 and 5 year old but in the evenings when theyre in bed my DH constantly wanders in to chat to me. We've spent all day together, I just want some down time. He's started to improve after I said 'I just need some alone time' literally spelling it out for him and also closing the door seems to help- -he seems to recognise that as a sign to not bother.

Not really fair of me to comment on here as I’m an extrovert BUT this does seem like quite a lot of alone time for someone who is a spouse and parent. I think I’d have been quite hurt if either of my parents had wanted this much time away from me when I lived at home! And I’d be annoyed if DH was like that now!

@Conkergame there are 168 hours in a week I don’t think wanting 6-9 of those alone is asking much.

@FortunesFave My children get told in no uncertain terms that there are times when I NEED to be alone. Nothing bar a medical emergency or the house burning down can’t wait for a couple of hours.

The Doris Lessing story is "To Room Nineteen". Apparently it is "seminal"

OP do you have other opportunities to have time to yourself during the day (work from home or work outside home, children at school, husband away at work or at home)?

Or do you wait until everyone is there and then get away from them all?

Am I missing something, but where are some of you getting 9 hrs a week of OP wanting to be left alone?

She said 2-3 TIMES A WEEK she likes to be alone but is interrupted every 20 minutes while doing so.

Imagine wanting an hour to yourself and being interrupted every 20 minutes and without knowing how long each interruption is, they’ve interrupted her four times in one hour so she is not getting the full time. She has to stop what she’s doing and then go back to it. Surely if they stopped interrupting her she would be able to have the time she needs.

The children are 12 and 16 and there was is also a grown man. Are some of you really saying they can’t shouldn’t be expected to wait, what an hour maybe more (unless it’s an emergency) so that OP can be alone?

I’m quite glad to see some more recent messages, as to be honest I think it would be very hard to be the children in this situation.

Am I missing something, but where are some of you getting 9 hrs a week of OP wanting to be left alone?She said 2-3 TIMES A WEEK

She said 2 to 3 EVENINGS a week and would like to be left alone for the entire evening.

Bloody hell. Wanting 2 or 3 evenings out of 7 in a week to relax quietly. Burn the witch.

@EmeraldShamrock

what about my girls then? They've been brought up as feminists...they're both vocal and aware on the subject Have they been brought up with you doing the bulk for them, has Dad shared the load? Do they see you as primary care giver and dad your sidekick? They may be feminists are they seeing equality between their parents.

Have they been brought up with you doing the bulk for them, has Dad shared the load? Do they see you as primary care giver and dad your sidekick?

Yes, this is it. It's structural, not personal.

You need your own room. Either your own study if you have some kind of box room, or a garden room but something that is YOUR room.

You cannot tell your DH that he's not allowed in one of the communal rooms, that's just weird. If a man was telling his wife not to come in one of the family rooms and not to disrupt him whilst he's playing video games or something, he would be called abusive.

Alternatively, go for a walk or a jog, a bike ride on your own, you can get a good couple of hours of peace like that.

It's absolutely fine to want to spend 2 or 3 hours every evening with no disruption, but you need the right space. And before someone screams it's not normal, you wouldn't think twice if the OP had to work, was studying for some exams etc. The OP chose to be on the internet. It might not sound that productive, but as we currently all are on MN, no one is qualified to judge

@VettiyaIruken

Bloody hell. Wanting 2 or 3 evenings out of 7 in a week to relax quietly. Burn the witch.

Of course it’s nit ‘burn the witch’ but assuming during the day people are at work/school, it’s a hell of a big chunk of time to insist your own family leave you be.

@CrotchBurn

Why? Because you're a woman. Women aren't allowed to do anything that doesnt revolve around caring for others

I read this and I just sent help but think

“Grow up”

You cannot tell your DH that he's not allowed in one of the communal rooms, that's just weird.

"Taking turns" to use a communal room is not weird. The only reason the others are going in the sunroom is to bother interact with her.

I have already made it plain to my husband that I don't intend to be more than 50% of a parent to my children unless he dies.

Do you have children yet? The best laid plans....

But I'm not having children AND choosing to opt out of family time for 9h a week.

Well, you do you. People vary. Families vary too.

Well, true, but the solution isn't to be like the stereotypical MN cycling husband either.

Somewhere there is probably a happy medium. Unlike the OP, MN cycling husbands don't spend much of their non-cycling time interacting with their families either. You don't see the wives of MN cycling husbands saying "he always walks the children to school because that's what they prefer and we sit in the garden together" etc. It's more "he's away at work and does no housework and the kids barely know him and he goes cycling every spare day".

The default mode pre-2020 was extroversion

Not in my house it wasn't.

@VettiyaIruken

Bloody hell. Wanting 2 or 3 evenings out of 7 in a week to relax quietly. Burn the witch.

Nothing to do with that at all.

If someone came on here and said their husband wanted three evenings a week to themselves to hole up in the study and play video games, she'd be told he was a huge manchild and that he needed to get off his arse and spend time with his kids.

There's nothing wrong with wanting (or indeed needing) time alone but what OP's asking for is a lot considering she has a husband and children who obviously want to spend time with her.

I will never ever understand people who take someone saying, "I would like a little time to myself" as a personal insult. I'm with you OP, I don't get time on my own, my family will just follow me wherever I go. I can forgive it in my kids for now, while they are little, but my husband needs to stop it.

When I was a teen my mum was the same, and I knew to give her time and space. She was there if I needed her.

Which they can. 4 or 5 evenings a week. That's plenty of family time.

It really isn't a lot to ask for a few hours a week for yourself. For a hobby or for a quiet time.

If they ever let her have even a couple of solid hours to herself, she may even feel she doesn't want 3 evenings each week. But the more they refuse to let her have any downtime, the more she craves it.

It's no wonder today's young people are so fragile. They have obviously been helicopter mothered their whole lives: never had the chance to sort themselves out if they need something, deal with relieving their own boredom, interact on an equal footing with both parents. Looking after yourself and respecting the boundaries and needs of others is a life skill. One of OP's children is 16, ffs. He can legally get married, but can't leave his mum in peace for an hour.

If someone came on here and said their husband wanted three evenings a week to themselves to hole up in the study and play video games, she'd be told he was a huge manchild and that he needed to get off his arse and spend time with his kids.

And be told that he was out of order because it meant that he was making her the default parent, and did she get the same amount of 'alone' time every week.

The OP has asked her DH politely to give her space and as others have said she isnt ducking out of chores.
Sorry but I disagree completely with those saying she has to be available at all times in case the teenagers want to talk to her.
Umm they have 2 parents
A couple of hours of peace is not much to ask-which is why I was super strict about bedtimes when mine were little.
The DH should respect her needs and ask the DC not to disturb her, he is there so why cant he deal with them?
Of course he needs similar time out to do as he wishes and she is around then.
Teaching your DC that women, particularly mothers are not allowed to have their own needs is not on.

@BlueCatRedCat

It's no wonder today's young people are so fragile. They have obviously been helicopter mothered their whole lives: never had the chance to sort themselves out if they need something, deal with relieving their own boredom, interact on an equal footing with both parents. Looking after yourself and respecting the boundaries and needs of others is a life skill. One of OP's children is 16, ffs. He can legally get married, but can't leave his mum in peace for an hour.

Spot on!

@OwlBeThere yes but most of those hours are spent sleeping or working/at school so it’s actually about half the time she’s with them mon-Fri that she doesn’t want them talking to her