I probably am...about sitting on my own some evenings

[FortunesFave]

I like my own company a lot. So on some evenings, I choose to sit out in our sunroom (we're in Oz and it's a bit like a lean-to with windows) and just browse the internet.

I do this about 2-3 times per week.

Every time I do it, DH or the kids seem to take it in turns to come in and bother me about every 20 minutes.

one leaves and then the next one arrives. Kids are 16 and 12 so well old enough to understand people sometimes need solitude.

I DO spend one to one time with all of them...DH and I often sit in the garden together, have meals together, chat...the DD's also get time with me...I walk my younger part way to school every morning (her choice...yes, she's older than usual for that but we get a takeaway hot chocolate and I like the walk) We also spent quality time watching movies or just having a snack or shopping together...that goes for my older child.

WHY can't they fucking leave me alone on these nights then? I put up with it and then when I tell DH "I'd like to be on my own" he gets pissed off...without fail. He doesn't have a go but gets huffy.

The same with the kids. AIBU to want to spend some nights alone? YABU if I am and YANBU if I'm not.

"I'm torn, because I absolutely understand your need for solitude, I can't help but think that if a man said he needed 2-3 nights a week to devote the same amount of time to a hobby (god forbid, cycling!) then he'd be getting VERY different responses."

Accurate. ESPECIALLY if the "he takes himself away to another room to sit on his computer browsing the internet" there would be howls of he's either a manchild playing Fortnite like a 12 year old boy or on Pornhub wanking himself into a coma.

Not really fair of me to comment on here as I’m an extrovert BUT this does seem like quite a lot of alone time for someone who is a spouse and parent. I think I’d have been quite hurt if either of my parents had wanted this much time away from me when I lived at home! And I’d be annoyed if DH was like that now!

at the*

Its 930am and my almost 18 yo (Thursday) and my 12 yo has come into my sunroof 15 times since 8am. Im going to go buy a lock

It is misogyny. It's also internalised misgyny for me - even brought up by a 'feminist' family I still feel guilty if I sit down quietly on my own. I think I am on the spectrum too and I really need to recharge on my own sometimes. For me it means I don't like people sitting immediately beside me very much - I can't relax and watch telly like that, or if someone is behind me I can't bear it

I'm the same OP I'm never without someone talking at me. Two kids aged 8 and 3. It's relentless and sometimes I just want to cry if I have to speak to someone yet again. I just want an hour alone sometimes. We'll go upstairs for bath time and the kids will come into my room to play hide and seek or super heroes I just want to scream GO IN YOUR OWN FUCKING ROOM. Can't even have a shite in peace

@FortunesFave

I've been fantasizing about a sort of locked cubicle...soundproofed. I may be on the spectrum but that's by the by...what matters is that I get overwhelmed by a lot of noise and by ANY noise sometimes. I then need to be silent and I just can't seem to get that for longer than 20 minutes at a time.

Let me know if you find one. I'm like that about noise: too much and I can't process anything. But I like to listen to music loudly so maybe it's just too much inane rubbish.

I have today had the first whole day with my two ASD teenagers actually in school together since lockdown in March.
I had to make 2 hour-long business phonecalls during that, but still...
about 4 hours to myself. AMAZING (much as I love them)

Yes all mine think nothing of wandering in, even if I am in the shower / on the loo (dd actually forced the b'room door latch off) Grrr...

It's not clear that you ever told the kids DO NOT DISTURB

I think it's a mistake to discourage your kids, especially teenagers, from talking to you, but your risk to take

You seem upset that they like your attention or company

The message your husband hears is that you don't like his company

I could join in moaning about kids that never stop wanting attention even from grumpy introverted parents (like me) if this thread were light-hearted.. but it's not light-hearted, is it? :(

@EmilySpinach

I found this the hardest thing about lockdown. I started wearing a massive pair of headphones (proper ridiculous DJ things) for an hour or so in the evenings and everyone very quickly learned that they were a visual symbol that I was not to be disturbed unless it was an emergency. Could you wear headphones? They don't even have to be switched on.

I've had to do this at work to avoid a very needy colleague who would not get the VERY DIRECT mesage

Yanbu op. I like time to myself, I have a 5yo and 2yo so I know it's unlikely just now. Dh has saturdays away doing a hobby so on a sunday afternoon says he'll watch a film with the kids and I can have some peace but it never happens. I'm the default parent and get shouted at/ disturbed constantly even though dh is right there in the room with them

@BLASTPROCESSING. You've got a point, but I think the OP is probably still available if her family really need her, IYSWIM. Going on a long bike ride or doing something away from home 2-3 evenings a week would place the entire burden on her DH, whereas she's at home and can help out if needed. They just won't give her any peace!

@yeOldeTrout

It's not clear that you ever told the kids DO NOT DISTURB

I think it's a mistake to discourage your kids, especially teenagers, from talking to you, but your risk to take

You seem upset that they like your attention or company

The message your husband hears is that you don't like his company

I could join in moaning about kids that never stop wanting attention even from grumpy introverted parents (like me) if this thread were light-hearted.. but it's not light-hearted, is it? :(

You hear again and again on MN that 'when they're teenagers they need you more, not less'... but on this thread, we have people cheerleading OP to spend 6-9h of free time in complete isolation from her family.

It doesn't work like that. Heck, it doesn't work like that in my marriage, and he needs me decidedly less than a 12 and 16yo.

What I would be negotiating for is one solid uninterrupted evening - and probably try and coincide that with something for the kids and husband to occupy themselves.

(When I was an introverted preteen, my mum took my sister to church with her whilst I went fishing with my dad. Sometimes I'd fish too, or sometimes I'd just read quietly in the fresh air with him fishing. It was heaven.)

I'm really torn here, and I'm someone who loves my alone time too. In fact, I'm currently sat downstairs while DH is upstairs so we both get some space.

But, I have memories of my childhood when I just wanted to hang out with my parents and being told to go away, and it was hurtful. I do think what you're asking for is slightly unrealistic, especially when you effectively want to banish them from a room in their own house.

Children don't see things the way we do. The fact that you've spent 1-2-1 time with them both already won't matter - because they want to talk to you "now", or maybe they just want to spend time with their mum?

I also suspect if a woman came on here and said her partner wanted to spend 2-3 hours, several times a week holed up playing video games, she'd be told he was a complete man-child who needed to grow up and be a parent.

when I tell DH "I'd like to be on my own" he gets pissed off....without fail

I like my own company and am very fortunate to be married to a man who is the same. Often we are busy in separate rooms for hours at a time but exchanging a few words when we are both in the kitchen or whatever. I love this - companionably together yet apart! I like to hear the various noises that remind me he is there - computer printing, his voice on the phone to someone, kettle coming to the boil - that remind me he's there.

It's definitely a challenge finding a good balance.

Oh time alone is wonderful, isn't it!
I don't have a sun room (fat lot of use it'd be given our current pouring rain) but we are having a summer house built next year, which will be nice!

My 'quiet time' is sitting reading my book in the lounge. DP likes playing computer games so he will be in the study, and DSS is glued to his computer or console too, talking to his friends (and very occasionally doing college work!) so he doesn't normally spend time in the real world with us unless forced haha or unless we're doing something interesting like watching a film or sometimes we'll get Just Dance or Singstar out for a bit of a laugh and he'll join in with that ..

However, bloody hell, if he EVER wants to ask something, like what are we eating, can I do this, can we do that .. he walks straight past his dad's study and asks me. I know there's the funny thing of kids always wanting their mum rather than their dad - but I'm not his mum! And questions like that I normally have to respond with I'm sure it'll be fine but check with your dad .. so he'll have to go anyway!

And then, when the TV is off downstairs (because I'm trying to read!), he decides he simply HAS TO watch a film right there and then, in the living room, despite having a TV of his own and many ways to find decent films on it .. and because I'm not a complete monster, I cannot demand that he go back upstairs and leave me alone even though I probably would if he was my child haha .. so I can no longer concentrate on my book. Can't have a bath either as he will need to wee every 5 minutes, and the bedroom isn't comfy for reading really.

Ah they'll be gone soon and then you can sit all by yourself for hours on end, you could even get a rocking chair too

If you think it's ok to monopolise part of the house for yourself, put a lock on the door. If not, find a non-communal area to be alone. Go for a walk, maybe?

You shouldn't have to. They should respect your needs. If you're making them clear enough. Are you?

I'm properly on the fence with this. I'm exactly the same as you and need solitude, but that's one of the reasons I will never have children and probably won't ever cohabit again... it is a bit off to tell your family you don't want to see them several times a week.

Could you go for walks instead, or would they want to join you?

Didn't Doris Lessing write a short story about this? The main character rented a room once a week and sat in it. People kept interfering. In the end she decided she was never ever going to be left alone and killed herself. OK a bit extreme(!) but Doris Lessing had it pinned as women always being expected to be available to others.

I used to book a night in a Premier Inn once in a while just to get some downtime. The official line was I was staying with friends but DH and I knew the truth. I’d buy a picnic in M&S, check in as early as possible and just chill for an entire uninterrupted evening.

We now have a holiday flat in a seaside town and I came down yesterday. The official reason was checking it was OK after friends stayed last week but the truth was I wanted one peaceful night alone before lockdown keeps me home for ages.

I think that if you really want to be alone (and it is completely fair to want that), then you should probably try to find somewhere that is not in your (shared) house to do so.

Nope. If the house is big enough for everyone to have some alone time (you're not all permanently squashed into one room or something) then some alone time is just another need that should be respected and accommodated. Same as any other need.

Rather than renting a room once a week how about getting your husband to actively back you up and guard your privacy once a week? To head your children off if he sees them going your way?

It might be internalised misogyny but not necessarily. You're opting out of family life two to three nights per week. That's quite a lot and your DCs are both at ages where they still need support. I wouldn't be happy if DH was doing it and, in fact, we've had conversations about this very issue. By opting out you're expecting the other parent to pick everything up or you're expecting your DCs to fend for themselves, practically and emotionally, for hours.

For those who say this isn't about misogynist socialisation - how do you account for all the women who recount the same experience on threads like these? And all the men you probably know who don't?

Neither the men or women I know would get to hide away from every family member THREE nights a week, fgs. Oddly enough people who have kids don't get endless alone time where they can tell everyone else to fuck off.