I probably am...about sitting on my own some evenings

[FortunesFave]

I like my own company a lot. So on some evenings, I choose to sit out in our sunroom (we're in Oz and it's a bit like a lean-to with windows) and just browse the internet.

I do this about 2-3 times per week.

Every time I do it, DH or the kids seem to take it in turns to come in and bother me about every 20 minutes.

one leaves and then the next one arrives. Kids are 16 and 12 so well old enough to understand people sometimes need solitude.

I DO spend one to one time with all of them...DH and I often sit in the garden together, have meals together, chat...the DD's also get time with me...I walk my younger part way to school every morning (her choice...yes, she's older than usual for that but we get a takeaway hot chocolate and I like the walk) We also spent quality time watching movies or just having a snack or shopping together...that goes for my older child.

WHY can't they fucking leave me alone on these nights then? I put up with it and then when I tell DH "I'd like to be on my own" he gets pissed off...without fail. He doesn't have a go but gets huffy.

The same with the kids. AIBU to want to spend some nights alone? YABU if I am and YANBU if I'm not.

Vitreous what about my girls then? They've been brought up as feminists...they're both vocal and aware on the subject.

As long as you don't impose your company on them if they ever want to be away from you, yanbu. That said, parents making clear to their kids that they don't want their company can be hurtful, whether the kids are "well old enough to understand people sometimes need solitude" or not. When you have explained to your dc that it's not that you don't want or enjoy them, it's that you really want some alone time a few nights a week, what have they said?

When my kids were teenagers I often used to drive to a car park overlooking the sea, and sit with a flask of coffee and some chocolate, and read my book. maybe you just have to remove yourself from the house to get some peace.

Unmarked they just say "But I wanted to see you" or something like that. Or they get huffy too "Fine!" sort of thing. I do spend time with them on these days...I spent an hour with DD2 after school....one to one...sitting and talking. Then I spent an hour at least with DD1 in her bedroom as she showed me Ticktocks and talked about her troubles...we had a laugh. Then I cooked...ate dinner with them all.

I think they have enough to do...why not respect my needs? Just because I'm a parent doesn't mean I have to sacrifice ALL of my needs.

Byerley that sounds nice but not what I want to do...I like my PC and my desk and chair. I don't want to sit in the outdoors with a book. Or my phone.

I have younger kids who are a bit like this. I ask them if they want to play a game / bake / do a craft. I get a "no" as they find themselves something to do.

Fine. Off I takes myself to the bedroom or wherever to enjoy the solitude.

In they come after 5 mins trawling on and on about what they are doing/watching etc.

Ffs. You either want my attention or you don't.

I'm immersed in puppy training right now so everything on my mind is about positive reinforcement - could you reframe this as 'why don't they want to spend time away from me'? and then encourage them to - take up a hobby, read a book, something, reward that behaviour? I know it would be a bit more of a pain but it might be easier in the long run. You want them to leave you alone, but people struggle to understand a negative instruction, so maybe worth coming up with suggestions for alternative occupations.

Not sure about your dh, he ought to be able to entertain himself for an hour or two now and again.

People don't have to be shits to have internalised misogynist ways of thinking/doing I believe my DP is hands on but needs/expects direction he happily zones out luckily he has sense to zone back in when I bark. I shouldn't have to bark or give instruction. 🤷‍♀️
DC seem to "ask mam" in most families.

Arabella I can't encourage tweens and teens to take up a hobby...they do as they do at this age.

what about my girls then? They've been brought up as feminists...they're both vocal and aware on the subject Have they been brought up with you doing the bulk for them, has Dad shared the load? Do they see you as primary care giver and dad your sidekick?
They may be feminists are they seeing equality between their parents.

@littlepeas

I am struggling with a similar thing at the moment. Every time I come out of the shower there is someone in my bedroom - sometimes multiple people. They all seem to want to watch me put my knickers on for some reason. I have told them that I’d rather not have an audience while getting dressed but they don’t listen. If I shut the door they just open it! Dc are 12, 11 and 9, so definitely old enough to understand - dh is just as bloody bad!

I get this now because similar happens to me when I go for a pee or shower. Kinda my fault as I don't lock the door but lesson learned there However, I do remember loving hanging around in my parents room whilst my mum was getting ready.i think it's a time when the children don't feel focused on as they know you are doing something but feel it easier to talk to you about stuff.

I think they have enough to do...why not respect my needs? Just because I'm a parent doesn't mean I have to sacrifice ALL of my needs.

No one has said you have to sacrifice all your needs.

You sound transactional about this, which is fine, as long as you realise that not everyone else is. It sounds like in your mind, there's a balance sheet, you have Paid Them Attention and Spent Time with them, and now you're owed some alone time. Fine. In their mind, you are their mum and they really like you and it feels odd and weird that they can't just wander in and out on a whim as they please because you have a need for a defined, arranged period of solitude. Your way isn't better. Their way isn't better. You're just different people with different preferences.

My dad was like you, would get so offended when he wanted alone time and the people who loved and lived with him didn't have extreme respect for his desire for solitude and had the temerity to enter a room he was in and attempt to communicate with him. I'm an introvert myself and really value time on my own, but having experienced my dad's way of communicating it as a child, I try really hard not to deliver the message in the same way myself.

I don't think you're BU or doing something awful, but neither do I particularly think they are.

I don’t think you want a solution to your problem, you just want to have a moan, which is very legit! Moan away!

My mom is similar to you and one day sat us all down and made herself very, very clear. And because my dad was there too he had to set a good example and say ‘girls listen to your mother’. After that we knew she wouldn’t even respond if we came in unless we were dying or something. It worked. And we were pretty spoiled kids in terms of parental attention

I had this.

We all like our own time in this house, but very much on our individual terms, so my DD would strop and huff if I told her I wanted time on my own, DH would act wounded, you get the message.

I lost my shit one day when I had waited days for half an hour to do something in peace, had actually locked myself into the shed (miles across the garden) to do it, and they still followed me out.

I made it absolutely crystal clear that if I didn't get time on my own, in silence, I really felt miserable.

Then when any of them decided it was "their" alone time, I made a point of sitting in front of them talking at them.

They got the message

Get a do not disturb sign.
I'm the same, luckily DH is happy with it and is looking to put a summer house in the garden so I can go and read in peace and he can listen the tv loudly in the house.

People who like to be around people all the time, and those who like physical contact alot always think that their way is better and other people are rude for not wanting them around.

Your DH and kids need to respect that you need alone time, and you also need to respect that they want company and you need to find a fair balance where you provide company sometimes and have alone time sometimes. Although if they're that desperate for company they could talk to eachother!

3 nights a week where you don't want to talk to your family?

Seems legit

I found this the hardest thing about lockdown. I started wearing a massive pair of headphones (proper ridiculous DJ things) for an hour or so in the evenings and everyone very quickly learned that they were a visual symbol that I was not to be disturbed unless it was an emergency. Could you wear headphones? They don't even have to be switched on.

I'm torn, because I absolutely understand your need for solitude, I can't help but think that if a man said he needed 2-3 nights a week to devote the same amount of time to a hobby (god forbid, cycling!) then he'd be getting VERY different responses.

Then again, I think your need for uninterrupted time would be reduced if you got just that - UNINTERRUPTED time.

(Please don't think me unsympathetic - I'm an introvert myself, and my husband is an extrovert. We have to work hard to keep the balance fair. I don't owe him daily social interactions, but at the same time he doesn't owe me endless peace and quiet. My being frustrated and distracted doesn't trump his feeling rejected and lonely if I go too far off by myself. Having said that he's spending the evening out before lockdown and I can't wait!)

@unmarkedbythat

I think they have enough to do...why not respect my needs? Just because I'm a parent doesn't mean I have to sacrifice ALL of my needs.

No one has said you have to sacrifice all your needs.

You sound transactional about this, which is fine, as long as you realise that not everyone else is. It sounds like in your mind, there's a balance sheet, you have Paid Them Attention and Spent Time with them, and now you're owed some alone time. Fine. In their mind, you are their mum and they really like you and it feels odd and weird that they can't just wander in and out on a whim as they please because you have a need for a defined, arranged period of solitude. Your way isn't better. Their way isn't better. You're just different people with different preferences.

My dad was like you, would get so offended when he wanted alone time and the people who loved and lived with him didn't have extreme respect for his desire for solitude and had the temerity to enter a room he was in and attempt to communicate with him. I'm an introvert myself and really value time on my own, but having experienced my dad's way of communicating it as a child, I try really hard not to deliver the message in the same way myself.

I don't think you're BU or doing something awful, but neither do I particularly think they are.

This is an excellent response. From your perspective, you just want to be left alone in the room of your choice, which you think you should be able to as it is not the nicest room in the house. From their perspective, you are creating an area in their own home that is out of bounds to them at specific times, and you as a person are also out of bounds to them. I think that if you really want to be alone (and it is completely fair to want that), then you should probably try to find somewhere that is not in your (shared) house to do so.

Get a do not disturb sign.

In my experience, these are like fucking catnip to extroverts.

If I simply disappear offline from work, I don't get messaged, or come back to emails/teams messages asking for help. If I tell people I'm not to be disturbed, all it does is act as a reminder to tell me what they want to say...

then when I tell him I want to be alone he will get pissed off.

It won’t be popular but I think I would too, if I’m really honest. You’re basically watching the sunset with him then asking him to leave...

I think 2-3 hours to yourself three times a week would feel like you’re away from everyone a lot, and it seems your family do too. Given that you’re only getting 20 minutes or so now, could you try to find a compromise? Maybe an hour a night on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and see how you and they go?

Really it’s personalities rather than anything else, I think, but that’s my opinion - and I’m aware that people need different things, so if it’s definitely three hours three times a week; they need to support you in making that happen - but realistically you need to help them to help you, so maybe get a laptop and browse the internet in the car? Or go out somewhere if you’re allowed?

@FortunesFave

I've been fantasizing about a sort of locked cubicle...soundproofed. I may be on the spectrum but that's by the by...what matters is that I get overwhelmed by a lot of noise and by ANY noise sometimes. I then need to be silent and I just can't seem to get that for longer than 20 minutes at a time.

They are very selfish. Put on some headphones and tell them to come back in an hour. Or get one of these.

This is about consideration of others.

They don't have it of you OP, and they never will have, if you allow this to continue.

They all believe that THEIR needs trump yours at ALL times.

It really is as simple as that.

Somehow they have gotten that from you over the past 12-16 years.

@littlepeas....sorry,.... but that wouldn't happen twice in my house, because I would have hunted them out and told them to hop it and "respect my privacy".

Teach your children AND your husband, firmly.

Who else is going to teach them this if not YOU?

It starts when they are young.

When mine were young, very young... 3+ and I had fed them etc etc and then maybe sat down with a coffee.

If they would come to me asking for something, I would hold up my hand and say "No, this is mummy's time when she sits to eat, have a coffee etc., I will get that/chat when I'm finished".

This is so important to teach them.

I needed my 15 minutes of coffee/peace during the day.
I deserved it.
THEY needed to learn that I was worthy of consideration.

I believe Mother's, as mostly primary carer's,....are the first people to teach consideration of others, by teaching and insisting they are considerate of us.

No easy I know, but we have to insist upon it.

@unmarkedbythat said what I was clumsily trying to say so much better.

I would recommend getting some AirPods - of course, you'll have to use with an Apple device. I asked my DH for a pair for my birthday this year as I need some alone time and they're great, because you can either sit and relax or do chores, both in your own little bubble. It's pointless people talking to you, because you can't hear them properly! I often listen to an audiobook when I'm doing a boring chore and I usually get it done quicker as no one's bothering me. Plus I'm being entertained!

My children (15 and 12) quickly adjusted to the fact that Mum's doing her own thing when she's got her AirPods in and only come in and shout "Mum" if they really need something.