I probably am...about sitting on my own some evenings

[FortunesFave]

I like my own company a lot. So on some evenings, I choose to sit out in our sunroom (we're in Oz and it's a bit like a lean-to with windows) and just browse the internet.

I do this about 2-3 times per week.

Every time I do it, DH or the kids seem to take it in turns to come in and bother me about every 20 minutes.

one leaves and then the next one arrives. Kids are 16 and 12 so well old enough to understand people sometimes need solitude.

I DO spend one to one time with all of them...DH and I often sit in the garden together, have meals together, chat...the DD's also get time with me...I walk my younger part way to school every morning (her choice...yes, she's older than usual for that but we get a takeaway hot chocolate and I like the walk) We also spent quality time watching movies or just having a snack or shopping together...that goes for my older child.

WHY can't they fucking leave me alone on these nights then? I put up with it and then when I tell DH "I'd like to be on my own" he gets pissed off...without fail. He doesn't have a go but gets huffy.

The same with the kids. AIBU to want to spend some nights alone? YABU if I am and YANBU if I'm not.

@FortunesFave

I have had a word with them all and they've all promised to try to make more effort...it's like a poster said upthread, the more they interrupt, the longer I want to be alone...because I don't get that uninterrupted time.

I assured them all that it's nothing to do with them...they're wonderful...and they said that they all seem to just forget. They're so naturally sociable that they think of something and want to share it with me...but they'll stop.

If they manage it, I won't be out there for so long. An hour or two should be plenty of time for me to recharge.

Good luck OP. Hopefully it works and you finally get some quiet time. Odds are that if you actually manage it, not only will you be happier but also need less than "half the week". Maybe a gentle reminder before you go so they know you're "off " .

I totally get it.

I sympathise. I work too and after that and the washing, cooking cleaning etc I just need some down time. My 2 dds know this and allow me my reading time. They read the signals quite well but my husband is another matter entirely. If he sees me with a book that must mean I have nothing to do so that is like a welcome sign for him to come babbling on about stuff I'm not interested in. (Generally cricket related crap). He knows I couldn't give a stuff about it but thst doesn't stop him at all. I suppose he sees me on my own and wants to keep me company. I've tried explaining my need to unwind in this way but he seems unable to appreciate it. He doesn't enjoy books like I do. I can lose myself in a good book but he can't. He just reads the odd cricket biography and then has to tell me all about it. Bloody hate cricket.

Great update OP.

[quote SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]@LucillevsLowkee - are you saying that the OP only gets time to herself if she is doing something worthwhile with it? Does the same apply to everyone in the family, or just her?

We all need down time, and if we want to spend some of it doing something mindless - if that helps us relax - what is wrong with that?[/quote]
depends, do other members of the family get to tell the OP to go away and not disturb them for a few evenings a week, or a few days even?

Telling family member you simply don't want to see them is weird. The normal reply should be that she is free to move out if her own family is too mush hassle for her to deal with, not banning them from rooms in their own house.

I find it quite unpleasant to tell your own kids to go away for no other reason that you can't be bothered with them for a few hours. No wonder some people can't wait to move out as soon as they can, it's a rather toxic environment. I had roommates that were more pleasant.

@LolaSmiles

I completely agree with you on the punishment side.

However you seem a bit dismissive of OP's downtime because its "internet browsing". Would it be different if she was doing a workout, reading a book,knitting,doing a puzzle ,playing or learning to play a musical instrument etc?

I'm thinking of the message sent to a child.

For example, saying this evening you are sewing/rehearsing/etc and for the next hour you specifically want no interruptions communicates the importance of interests, the importance of down time, acknowledges that your downtime matters, and also sets clear boundaries. You can still do your hobby for the evening, the children learn the value of respect but it comes from a position of 'parent is specifically doing X activity'.

Saying you want the sun room to yourself several evenings a week and don't want to be disturbed whilst youre just scrolling the internet sends a very different message to me, that the primary focus is to get away from children or partner. The message that sends to me is 'right now the aim of me being in this room is to get away from you'. If someone starts adding in do not disturb signs, locks and any of the other suggestions on this thread then I think the whole overall message is quite negative.

The issue is OP resorted to the sun room, because she couldn't get that time otherwise. She's still not getting it, which is why she's attempting it 2/3 times a week.

The key here being attempting. Because day 1, they still had her time and attention,and day 2 and day 3. Repeat next week.

OP hasn't actually had that free time yet at all.

And if her hobby/passion is browsing the internet (or whatever else she does on the PC) ,it's just as important as whatever other hobby people use to unwind and have some down time.

I'm on my phone to unwind, I might be on here, read a book(or 5), play a game,watch funny cat videos. It's what I like to do. Do I need to do it? No. Do I need my downtime? Yes. Since I'm having it anyways ,might as well do something I enjoy.

@Weebleonaworkout

I sympathise. I work too and after that and the washing, cooking cleaning etc I just need some down time. My 2 dds know this and allow me my reading time. They read the signals quite well but my husband is another matter entirely. If he sees me with a book that must mean I have nothing to do so that is like a welcome sign for him to come babbling on about stuff I'm not interested in. (Generally cricket related crap). He knows I couldn't give a stuff about it but thst doesn't stop him at all. I suppose he sees me on my own and wants to keep me company. I've tried explaining my need to unwind in this way but he seems unable to appreciate it. He doesn't enjoy books like I do. I can lose myself in a good book but he can't. He just reads the odd cricket biography and then has to tell me all about it. Bloody hate cricket.

When he watches cricket loom over him and tell him about this great book you've read. In detail. With full excerpts,preferably dialogue . Bonus points if you act it out with sock puppets.

Glad to hear you're getting it sorted FortunesFave. Hope you get your peace and quiet.

YANBU for wanting time to yourself
YABU to call it OZ it’s Aus. Always has been.
Aussie Aussie Aussie Oy oy oy

I need alone time too, so I completely understand the need. However I think yabu to want to spend 3 evenings a week by yourself in the sun room when your dh and dc are around.
I used to go and have a bath every evening, lock the door and read a book for an hour. They still knocked on the door continually, however they coudnt come in!
Could you go for a walk or get DH to take them out and have the house to yourself for a couple of hours. Or as PP have said, say I'm going to the sunroom to chill by myself for a it please dont disturb me unless its important, Not wanting your dh to sit in same room with you in evenings could feel like rejection to him.

When my kids were that age I used to drive to a nearby beach, park up and sit there. I would study, read for pleasure or gaze into space. No iPhones back then so no scrolling through social media.

I'm not on the spectrum. I think everyone needs to chill time

Shew I'll call it Oz if I want thanks.

I had a friend who was forever grumbling about her kids and her husband not respecting her "alone time" she used to want to be able to "take herself off" have solitude and peace and quiet. Was always moaning about having to be there for everybody.
In time her kids didn't stick around much once they got to Uni, she was then forever moaning that they never rang, visited for weekends etc. Christmas and such they chose to spend with their partners or friends families.
Once the kids were of the age to leave home and were at Uni. She then had to deal with her husband leaving too. Her kids supported him.
She then moaned nobody bothered with her. Hardly surprising really though if you spend hours telling your family you want to be alone. Her kids were best friends with mine. They used to love coming to ours saying it was a family home with a good vibe. Kids only stand so much of being told to go away and be independent, and they do just that. Partners/Husbands too!
Now that same friend complains of being lonely, says she feels unwanted. I guess her family did too.
Sometimes it's best to be careful what you wish for, because one day you might just get it, but not how you expected to.
I work with kids and families, nowadays families seem to have the whole "doing their own thing" on screens, phones etc. The problem is people are also forgetting how to function as a family too.

As for hubby...you might have to resort to following him EVERYWHERE while he's home, even into the loo, if necessary, to underline your need for some private time. They're a bit thick, sometimes, men are.

Get a lock for the door. Post a sign that says, "Knock ONLY if someone is bleeding copiously, or the house is on fire. Penalty for ignoring...no cooking for one week. Except for myself." But you have to be prepared to carry this threat out. And they're ALL old enough to fend for themselves for a week.

I hear woman complain constantly about how much their partners spend gaming or on the internet and on here posters are told 'he is being unreasonable' 'maybe your DP is doing it to control you' (can't figure that one out myself)

I like my alone time so unless we have anything on I have it and let DH and DS have it too. I don't mind the odd come and ask me something but then DH brings me wine so after that I am not bothered

Sea I can understand them complaining if the DH isn't pulling his weight but there also seems to be a breed of person who wants 100% of their partner's attention when at home. It's WEIRD. As though when you're in a couple, you're no longer individual.

@seayork2020

I hear woman complain constantly about how much their partners spend gaming or on the internet and on here posters are told 'he is being unreasonable' 'maybe your DP is doing it to control you' (can't figure that one out myself)

I like my alone time so unless we have anything on I have it and let DH and DS have it too. I don't mind the odd come and ask me something but then DH brings me wine so after that I am not bothered

Me too. But in the posts are also a random selection of the following words and sentences.

Baby
Toddler
Leaves me to do everything
Won't deal with our young children
Stays up all night
Too tired to take care of the (small) children

The gaming issue is rarely about spending a couple of hours a couple of times a week doing something they enjoy. It's more often about every night, every weekend being spent ducking their responsibilities to their children and not pulling their weight domestically.

@FortunesFave

Sea I can understand them complaining if the DH isn't pulling his weight but there also seems to be a breed of person who wants 100% of their partner's attention when at home. It's WEIRD. As though when you're in a couple, you're no longer individual.

I must admit that always smacks of huge insecurity to me but I will admit I am remarkably introverted so perhaps extroverts ar define with constant interaction.

It feels very needy to me and would be a rather big deal breaker for me.

Treasure them, make the most of them being there, one day they may not be

Some give, others want to take and toys get airborne when they don't

All l read was me me me.....

The problem when you get married and have a family is, you stop being seen as an individual with your own personality and needs, and become part mum; this universal being whose life belongs to the family. Tell your family that you are a mum, but also a unique individual.

Hillary you seem to imply that I don't treasure my family which is a load of twaddle. You also sound incredibly patronising. As if I MUST ve a martyr in order to fully appreciate my family.

Load of old bollocks.

@FortunesFave

Hillary you seem to imply that I don't treasure my family which is a load of twaddle. You also sound incredibly patronising. As if I MUST ve a martyr in order to fully appreciate my family.

Load of old bollocks.

I 100% agree FortunesFaves.

I don't understand why once we become mother we are expected to martyr ourselves.

Anyway I hope they listened to you and give you the alone time you have asked for.

Oh I am sure your family feels treasured all right

Couldn't find a more loving message: go away, don't talk to me, and be grateful I tolerate having a snack with you when I feel like it. They need to understand their place in the house right!

Those acting like wanting alone time is somehow neglecting the kids don't seem to realise that the alternative to getting alone time isn't that the kids get a loving/ attentive mother 100% of the time. Personally I struggle with burn out if I don't get some alone time, and once I've reached that stage I'm not a great mum. I'm exhausted and irritable. Having that uninterrupted space means that the time my kids do get with me is quality time. Yes they might get slightly less of it - but it's worth more. I don't understand why anyone would want to spend time with someone who wasn't in the mood to be social? Who does it benefit? Everyone ends up upset that way.

Giving introverts a little bit of space benefits everyone in the long term.

@Groovinpeanut - I don't think it always follows that a mum wanting to have some personal space and alone time will mean that the kids never look back when they leave home.

My boys were fairly young when they learned that mummy needed a few quiet moments with a cup of coffee and the paper, before she was capable of complex sentences and proper engagement in family life. Rest assured, even in my caffeine-deprived state, I was making sure they were fed, clean and dressed - but once that was done, me and my coffee needed some alone-time.

The boys grew up knowing that it was OK for everyone in the family to have boundaries, and that, if they wanted to be alone for a while, this was fine, and should be respected (except in case of emergency/dire need).

They are now 23, 25 and 27, and have all left home, pretty much. Two have graduated and have their own homes and jobs, and ds3 is in his final year of university, living with his girlfriend. But they all phone home (and not just when they need money - ds3, I'm looking at you), but just for a chat and a catch up. They enjoy spending time at home, when covid allows - and during the first lockdown, ds3 was at home, and we had lots of really good conversations with him.

TL:DR - I think it is possible for parents to have boundaries, and some time to themselves, without destroying the relationship with their children. It's a question of balance.

All l read was me me me.....

Then your reading comprehension is surely lacking.

• Oh I am sure your family feels treasured all right grin

Couldn't find a more loving message: go away, don't talk to me, and be grateful I tolerate having a snack with you when I feel like it. They need to understand their place in the house right!

Wow. Were you actually there when OP talked to them? Are you a mind reader?